A New Day...... I guess

So, I've moved into this new place right above coyotes in town. It's a pretty primo location and everything but you have to get used to the music from downstairs on from Thurs to Sat. It's not too bad really, after about an hour you're sweet as to be able to sleep no worries.

And have been slowing down on going out too, which is suprising since I moved right into town and now don't really want to go out all the time. I think as well because I don't have much cash anymore so I'm on a really tight budget. My finances were already strapped but now its even more tighter. Can barely afford to buy any food every week. So I've been applying for jobs to try and get out of this rut that I'm in anyways. Had a few letdowns which really brought my spirits down a lot, but still applied for a couple more.

But I tell ya, writing freaking cover letters to suit the job I'm applying for totally sucks cause it takes so freaking long. You wonder why people on the dole (like myself) don't go to the effort to get a job. It's exhausting. But I'm getting bored at home without the kids being here. And I always keep thinking back to how independent I used to be and I miss it. I always want to know that I have enough income to cover all my expenses and then some to enjoy for a bit.

Goals at the moment: Number one thing is to get a job and go from there.

Getting my kids back is turning into more of a long term thing, I miss them so much but I do need to make sure I've got everything set up again for them to come back and everything run smoothly. I know that I'm going to struggle again with looking after them on my own, just need to breaks every now and then to just relax.

I looked after a mates daughter last weekend, and I found it was exhausting trying to entertain her the entire day and because she has a short attention span, having to change things all the time to keep her occupied, geez, that was a huge kick up my arse when i realised i had forgotten what it's like to look after kids that age. She was awesome to have around and love her asking questions like all kids do but it did make me miss my kids so much more. I want them home and i'm trying to do everything i can to get them back faster.

It's my daughter Pearls birthday in two weeks. Have to make sure I send over her present asap so she gets it in time. I would love to be able to see her face when she opens it up and celebrates her bday. I miss them so much. Kan't wait for them to come back in Christmas for the holidays and just grab them and hold them in my arms for as long as they'll let me. But anyways, I think this is enough for today.

Kiaora

Latest Update

So its been a hell of a long as time since I've blogged. Since the last one, I've moved back home to mum and dads place out the back right next to the garage. The kids have moved over to Zappa and Karas place in Australia and they're loving it there. But I've spoken to them lately and they're asking to come home. My poor babies. Dupri is now 4 years old and Pearl is still 2. Turns 3 in September. Freaking awesome that they're growing up so fast. There's so much i want to do with them but finding it hard to even get myself into gear to be a better mother. I've gotten in touch with Fusion dance Company again and going to go and have a look at one of their practices. I know it'll take me awhile to get back into it properly becuase I'm so out of shape but hey, it's still a good start. And its a hobby, something other than just drinking every week. I will be doing soemthing i love to do which is dancing. But other than that, things are going ok I guess.

Moved house

I have now moved house and am now living in Enderly, Hamilton. It's a really awesome place and the neighbours aren't that bad. But now hopefully now I can get more of a break from my kids than before. i have asked to have more breaks because I am startin to get unhinged from barely any breaks and constantly hving my kids around. i love my kids to pieces and love them around. But tangi was my outlet and he worked really well. And my show has finished now and so now i'm trying to find something else to keep me busy. am now seeing a grief and loss counsellor. had a pretty rough couple of weeks and went a bit mental. so needed to get some help. so yeah, thats about it at the moment.

An immature 20 something

Ok, now I realise that some people just don't grow up and I also realise that some people can be nasty. But oh my gosh, I have had a pretty catty saturday night.

Now what's happened is that there is a girl who I perform with who really likes my dance partner. My dance partner is a pretty average looking guy but I wouldn't look at him twice in the street. And I was getting ready to go out on the town in the changing rooms at the theatre and she comes up to me and says 'Are you dressing up to impress 'this guy' ' And I turned around and said to her 'Why would I want to impress 'this guy' if i have other guys around the place.' And she said to me 'Oh, do you have guys? Who are these guys Harmony?' I looked at her and turned around and walked out.
Now that was pretty catty. Apparently tho not many people like her at all because she is catty. She says it in a nice way but when you go over it in your head, it's really nasty.

And also today, I helped Amber clean her gross flatmates lounge/kitchen out. It was so disgusting. The fridge/freezer had mould all through it and everything. I was dry retching because it was so disgusting. But Amber went and bought a vacuum cleaner from Forlongs and we bumped into her mum. She was about to walk straight past me ignoring me, but I went right up to her and said 'Hi' and gave her a kiss on the cheek. And then she walked off. It felt so awkward but I said to Amber, I need to be nice to her because eventually, she's going to have to accept that I'm Amber's friend. But then again, she doesnt' have to either. I'm just not going ot be rude to her.

Well, overall I'm having quite a bit of fun and can't wait for the end of the year. I'm trying to get my butt into gear to finish Tangi's headstone so that it can get erected. I feel that I had my time with my husband and it felt really fulfilling. I was able to just relax and unwind next to him. And now I feel that I can accept his entire extended family to be a part of the actual unveiling. So, will see what happens. But if it's not ready on time, then I won't rush it. Becuase I want it looking perfect before it goes up

MMM

Do you ever feel like your chest is crushing.

It's been feeling a little bit weird lately. My mood swings have been pretty massive. So when I'm having a really low day, which consists of constant snapping and just sitting there sulking and then the littlest thing that I usually would just brush off just sends me over the edge. I had that feeling yesterday. And to try to pull myself out of it, I took a caffiene pill to perk me up. And because I needed to get my head in a space ready to perform.

As for the musical, the shows have been going pretty good. I've recognised some people in the audience, if they're in the front then I can see them pretty clearly. But only once did it throw me completely off. Luckily my dance partner had a good hold of me and kept me up. Geez. But on the other hand I am having a blast. But the dramas and gossip going on backstage makes me feel like I'm back at high school. With the adults acting like teenagers. And it's only one or two of them. Whereas the actual immature people are 17. So yeah. It's definately an experience. But I have an inkling that I am loved. hahahaha.

Anyways, I better start getting ready because I have 2 shows to do today so it's going to be a very long day.

Need to get into the game faster

I have calculated that I have lost 15kgs so far since Christmas. And I still have another 15kgs to lose. Now I know that my fat stomach and bits here and there need a definate toning and should be as easy as just cutting it right off. But hey, along with the weightloss is the browning up as well that needs to be done. One summer, I did sun capsules so that when I did go to the beach, I was already brown and also so that my skin wouldn't sizzle. It would've been already used to the sun so I would get a little red but not lobster red. Which usually happens when you go to the beach for a whole day and forget to keep reappling the sun lotion. hahahaha.

Anyways, Opening night for the musical was awesome as. I had so much fun. We got a standing ovation and overheard guests praising the show and our performance. So it was really good.

I have just printed out 2 sets of photocopies of certificates and stuff to send to the the other 2 superannuation places to see if I can claim back on them. So hopefully it works. But now I need to follow up on the first one I sent stuff to to see if they recieved the documents because i havent' recieved any word yet. So hopefully i can get some cash soon and get this headstone finished.

I'm seriously contemplating making a joint unveiling. Mostly because I have had my private day with Tangi. And now I don't mind sharing the day. So, I think that it's going to make his side of the family very happy if i do include them both. And my bro Zappa and Kara will be able to be there for it as well. So yeah. The only dumb thing about the date is that it's exactly at the same time as the auditions for Miss Saigon. So, I'm hoping I can get a time that will be in the morning or mid morning sometime just to get it out of the way.

Life is ok but htings are a bit hard but trying to work through them as best as I can.

Having no internet sucks

Well now that I have officially disconnected my phone and internet, I feel like I'm cut off from the world. LOL!!!!!!

That's overexageration hard out. But oh well. I can be a drama queen if I really want to.

But this was just to check base to let you know that I am still alive and kicking. Ain't nothing happened yet that I can't handle. And I can handle a hell of a lot I've discovered. Just after having a HUGE VENT and then a whoooosaaaaahhhhh then I'm all good. hahahahha.