Taking timeout

I decided that I should go and take some timeout.

So I'm feeling slightly better. Have come down to Hastings to spend time with my cousins and family. Have a 21st birthday to go to tonight. So at the moment, I'm just flighting here and there. I miss my children, but I know that this is vital for me to be sane. I have been thinking about lots of things and trying to make more realistic life changing decisions that were near impossible for me to work out while at home. It was literally boiling up to me nearly having a nervous breakdown. But this is the whole process of being able to avoid that happening. So I'm glad that I'm doing this now rather than waiting till it's too late.

I had some thoughts of leaving and never coming back. I'm not sure why, it's just something that was going thru my mind and I couldnt seem to shake it. Things have started to be on the lookup and I'm going mental. Literally. It's not like it's not what I want, because i'm ready for the new phase of my life. But that doesnt mean that I'm over the grieving process. I'm still going thru it. My family don't seem to understand fully how much I hurt everyday. Mostly because I don't let them see it. I wait till in private before I let myself go. I would rather keep things to myself, because no one really knows exactly what I'm going thru, or what I'm really thinking.

You know how, in a relationship, you just want that person you're talking to to listen, not to try and fix anything because thats not what you neeed. All you need is someone just to listen, but to listen without making faces at something they don't agree with, and someone who will listen to the same problem over and over again because thats how many times i want to say it. Thats exactly what my husband was, he was that perfect man for me who did do all those things. And trying to find someone else to help substitute him is very frustrating. Especially when no one else knows me that well. My family don't know me that well. They just know the person I show them. And anyone else, know even less about me.

I guess thats one of my defensive mechanisms. I hate being hurt all the time. I don't like the feeling of being alone. At the moment, I'm kind of living in a fantasy world with the whole Twilight buzz. I'm wanting to be swept off my feet by a gorgeous man who will look after me and my children. Who won't judge me for being sealed to my eternal companion. Who is open to suggestion and compromise. I know that thats not the average guy because those kind of guys take years to be perfect. hehehe. But then again, it's taken me years and years to be perfect too. ah well. thats the complications of reality.

I'm feeling like everything around me is closing in. All I want to do is just take off. The only thing stopping me, is my kids. I'm trying to come up with a plan so that I can go and have some timeout just for myself for longer than 2 hours. Because the few hours that I get by myself isnt really cutting it when it comes to me being able to cope. I know that my kids will be fine but I do feel guilty about leaving them. They always seem like they depend on me to be happy and look after them how a good mother is supposed to look after her children. But I just really feel that I need to have this break. I think that I've talked about this for awhile. Today, I had the urge to just go and was about to. thats how close I was to losing my mind. The kids have been away from me for a total of 1 night since Tangi passed away. And then also, because I've got a new calling, I feel like I can't go either because of that because they need me to get everything set up properly so that they can function better. But I definately need a break. My social worker came over to see how I was doing. It was pretty good timing on her part because I was torn about just ditching the kids and going. She said that it was very good idea to go and have time out. Something more like 2 weeks is a good enough break without the kids. I had originally said 1 week but I think that 1 1/2 weeks will be a better break for me instead. At least I will be able to think a whole lot clearly and I can at least get some more of my assignments done as well.

I got my first assignment back yesterday and I got an A. So I'm pretty stoked about that. My social worker suggested to take a friend with me, so that it is an adventure for me. And to try and do something that is totally different to what i do now, and that doesnt remind me of Tangi.

I told her about me wanting to just move away somewhere where I can just escape. I said I was thinking about america but the process is quite complicated. And that I would need to work, but in order to get that sorted, I need to go over by myself, without the kids to set everything up properly. I can't just go over with no plans and just wing it. It's too big of a country to just go with no proper plans and things in place. Especially for the kids. I could do it by myself, I would be fine. But my kids, are another story. She told me that this is my way of saying that I just want a different scene, and that I just want to run away from all my problems. I said to her that yeah that was part of it. Everything around me reminds me of Tangi. Even this room that we're staying in. This whole house, this whole town.

She said that I'm going thru the post blues again. Everything is sinking in with whats happened with Tangi. I feel like I'm complaining too much and that I don't deserve to feel like this. That I'm just being selfish. I guess tho, if I don't this, then I am selfish. I need this break so that I can come back being a great mum, just not a good mum. So I'm trying to think up of things to do that are cost effective and fun. So, we'll see what happens.

Motherinlaw in hospital

I just found out tonight that my mother in law has been in hospital since Wednesday. So I was pretty ticked about that. Kinda made me wonder if I would find out after the funeral was finished. But hopefully not. I'm probably just jumping to conclusions.

So I asked my dad to come up with me to go and visit her. I didnt want to go on my own because it was pretty hard just to go to their house, let alone the exact same wards that Tangi were in, and walking the same halls that I had done everyday for 10 months. It was hard. I was close to crying when I saw a nurse who had treated Tangi and she remembered who I was. She gave me a huge hug and asked how things were going. After that we walked to Api's room. Got in their and then a big huge smiling face popped in. It was Laurie. She was one of the nurses who treated Tangi and was always so bubbly. We both enjoyed her coming in. She always made me feel like there was nothing wrong with the way that I acted, and always reminded me and Tangi that we still had to keep the intimacy going. Give each other hugs. She would even take the kids out for a little while just so we could have alone time. She was really awesome. The other nurses were awesome too but we absolutely loved Laurie.

Sometimes I wonder if I even matter when it comes to Tangi's family. I know I do when I'm with them, but I barely get any texts or phonecalls or anything. I know that they're got no credit and stuff but, it feels like it's a one way thing when it comes to wanting to know how everyone is.

I downloaded some songs from Robert Pattinson, he's got a very peculiar way of singing but I like it. I guess when I love a movie so much and I hear the music being played in the background. I love the soundtrack even better. hehehe. There I go again. Twilight. Gosh, I wonder when the hype will die down. I've already started rereading the series. there are certain parts that I really love. I love all the exciting bits that have Edward in it. hahaha. Ok, I'm so a Edward fan, not so much the Jacob fan, but definately the Edward fan. He's so much more fascinating.

But it's funny tho, Edward is the dangerous, don't know what you're getting into choice, whereas Jacob is the safer option. I've always been attracted to the Edwards. The more mature guys who still have a dangerous side to them. Tangi wasnt dangerous but he definately gave me a run for my money. He took my breath away constantly just by looking at him. He would surprise me with the things that he'd say. He was my Edward.