I'm feeling like everything around me is closing in. All I want to do is just take off. The only thing stopping me, is my kids. I'm trying to come up with a plan so that I can go and have some timeout just for myself for longer than 2 hours. Because the few hours that I get by myself isnt really cutting it when it comes to me being able to cope. I know that my kids will be fine but I do feel guilty about leaving them. They always seem like they depend on me to be happy and look after them how a good mother is supposed to look after her children. But I just really feel that I need to have this break. I think that I've talked about this for awhile. Today, I had the urge to just go and was about to. thats how close I was to losing my mind. The kids have been away from me for a total of 1 night since Tangi passed away. And then also, because I've got a new calling, I feel like I can't go either because of that because they need me to get everything set up properly so that they can function better. But I definately need a break. My social worker came over to see how I was doing. It was pretty good timing on her part because I was torn about just ditching the kids and going. She said that it was very good idea to go and have time out. Something more like 2 weeks is a good enough break without the kids. I had originally said 1 week but I think that 1 1/2 weeks will be a better break for me instead. At least I will be able to think a whole lot clearly and I can at least get some more of my assignments done as well.

I got my first assignment back yesterday and I got an A. So I'm pretty stoked about that. My social worker suggested to take a friend with me, so that it is an adventure for me. And to try and do something that is totally different to what i do now, and that doesnt remind me of Tangi.

I told her about me wanting to just move away somewhere where I can just escape. I said I was thinking about america but the process is quite complicated. And that I would need to work, but in order to get that sorted, I need to go over by myself, without the kids to set everything up properly. I can't just go over with no plans and just wing it. It's too big of a country to just go with no proper plans and things in place. Especially for the kids. I could do it by myself, I would be fine. But my kids, are another story. She told me that this is my way of saying that I just want a different scene, and that I just want to run away from all my problems. I said to her that yeah that was part of it. Everything around me reminds me of Tangi. Even this room that we're staying in. This whole house, this whole town.

She said that I'm going thru the post blues again. Everything is sinking in with whats happened with Tangi. I feel like I'm complaining too much and that I don't deserve to feel like this. That I'm just being selfish. I guess tho, if I don't this, then I am selfish. I need this break so that I can come back being a great mum, just not a good mum. So I'm trying to think up of things to do that are cost effective and fun. So, we'll see what happens.