My thoughts

I guess I just wanted to update everyone on some feelings that I've been having and just a little insight into my late husband. His name is Tangi Junior Tarai. He was born 20 May 1980 in Tokoroa, New Zealand. He is the only boy and has 2 sisters. Tangi and I were married 17 September 2005 and we moved over to Sydney, Australia 24 September 2005. Tangi was a really really great man. I guess he was one of those romantic old fashioned men that you could only dream about having. And I'm not joking about this either. He would send texts just to say 'have a good sleep' or 'thinking about you'. He would open doors for you no matter who was watching. He would listen to everything you had to say without judging you. There were many many times when I felt soo frustrated at things that were happening to us, at our families comments and actions, at money issues, at who didnt pick up their plate. And he was there to listen to every single bit of it without prejudice. I really felt like I could trust him. And I could trust him. He always told me that my opinion was important to him, anything that I had to say was important to him no matter how silly or unimportant I thought it was. I feel that that was what made our communication and our relationship very strong. We always enjoyed talking to one another. We would talk about when we first met to politics to our neighbours arguments to our families in New Zealand. And we would never tire from talking from each other. About 2 weeks before Tangi was diagnosed with Leukemia he had been sick. We both thought it was the flu because he had sore joints, cold sweats, feeling weak and sick. Just the common flu symptoms. About a week later, his gums swelled up. So he went to the dentist to see what was going on but they had said there was no infection in his mouth whatsoever and that whatever it was, was nothing to do with his mouth. So we got a bloodtest done at the Drs, and got a phonecall the next day saying that it was urgent that we come in straight away. Tangi was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia on 14th December 2007, right before Christmas. We had always thought that he would get better, we hoped that he would get better but always thought of the possibility of him never able to make it. We were told that the Chemo treatment was lethal in itself, there have been many patients who have died just from the treatment and because it's cancer of the blood, it needs to be that intensity to try to get rid of it. That scared us to pieces but what could we do. We wanted to do everything we could to get him better. Once the chemo started, Tangi just went downhill. He would get better but would always get sick again. He would catch any little bug. What would make me angry was visitors coming in to see him, who would cry and cry and get their snot on Tangi. We were trying to stay hopeful and positive but the visitors were the ones who would throw us back into that dark place. I was really affected by Tangi's visitors. I was never warm when they came. Firstly becuase we had asked for no one to come see him becuase he was very tired, sick and can catch anything. Yet they still came, and tangi invited them in anyways. Tangi would end up consoling them and telling them that it's ok and not to worry. I know that they had good intentions, but selfish intentions. Tangi started lighting up when the sacrament was brought to him every sunday, when me and the kids would come visit him, when our home teachers went to see him, when our immediate family came to see him. Even some friends who came just to chat about stuff not even to do with him. It was uplifting and we felt good after those visits. I've said that I have no regrets with my life with Tangi. My only regret is that we didnt get married sooner and that I didnt spend my time being angry. I had wished that I was there for him more. I literally had to choose between my husband and my children. And as much as I tried my best to have both, one of them was going to have to go without my attention. Tangi passed away 11 October 2008 in my arms. It was the most heartbreaking and hurtful time that I have ever had to deal with. Wanting to do something to make it all better but helpless to do anything. I kept my ear to his heart, hoping that it would keep beating. But at 10.16pm everything just went silent. I couldnt hear his heart beating anymore. I just wish that we had more time together. The next time I see him will be when I join him. And in case any of you are getting worried I might commit suicide, I won't. Mostly because I have 2 things in my life that I'm more than willing to live for. That's my son and my daughter who I love more than anything.