Do you know what you want in life?????

I know that everyone will say, you want to be happy, you want to be financially independant, you want a house, you want a family, you want to be successful. But is that really what you want??

I constantly keep asking myself this question all the time. Because sometimes, trying to answer this question really puts a strain on the brain. Over the last couple months, it's opened my eyes as to what's really out there in the world to experience. I really want to experience the world and it's many different facets of life. I've been wanting to see how different jobs shape each person. Who actually does want they love?? Thats what I want my life to be from now on, is to do something that I love. And at the moment, just trying to make sure that my kids are ok and that I can support us while doing what I love. So that work doesnt feel like work. That it feels like a happy working holiday. But i guess, thats just something that I need to find out for myself. At the moment, I'm still liking the idea of doing promotional work in tourism. So, I'm going to have to step my game up after I've finished my Travel Consultancy Course. Or even now, If I can get any sort of tourism job at the moment, will make my CV just look awesome. I've even thought about acting, but I think it's a bit too late for me to get into that, especially when I'm a bit fat. hahaha. Well, I've contacted my fitness instructor again to finally get my workout schedule finalised so that I lose the weight really fast and can keep it off. And I do Body Balance classes to keep my muscles elongated and toned. hahaha. It's worth it i reckon. When you feel good, you look good. And feeling good for me is having excercise and eating well. Helps my vision be a lot clearer anyways. I still have the heavy feeling over the top of my head and over my eyes. Somedays its a bit clearer, but it still feels quite heavy. Like as if i'm constantly tired, which i am, but my body needs to be awake and moving. hmm, i think its just weird how a person can feel like this.

I've been trying to save as much as i can, which is totally useless some weeks. but i'm still trying to do it. So i've saved a little bit anyways, a little bit is better than nothing. just so that by April, I can get the stones for the headstone and have it started with the carving. The design should be finished by then and finalised so that my dad and bro can just get into carving it from April onwards.

I've decided that I just want the immediate family for the unveiling. And even tho thats what I want, I'm guessing that it will turn into a huge thing again. Mostly because all the family that wnat to show their support and be there. It's not that I don't want everyone to be there, but its more that I want it more intimate and special. It kinda doesnt become special with hordes of people there that you barely know anyways. I kinda already told a couple cousins in hastings about how i was feeling, they did look a little hurt but i think they understood. But I was really overwhelmed with the funeral, and all the crap that went on with that. And even tho I tried to include everyone in the whole thing, A whole lot still complained that it wasnt good enough. And i feel that it might end up being the same with Tangi's unveiling. That that wont be good enough for everyone else as well. That it will turn into another big deal and that they think they will have a say or something. i don't know. as you can tell, i'm still a little bit sour about what happend at the funeral. but slowly getting over it. I guess i just don't want to experience it again. And if it does end up being a medium sized unveiling, I want it to be a happy time, not something where I'm constantly wanting to strangle everyone there. I want to be happy, I want to feel happy, I want my kids to feel happy too. I guess it just takes a lot of self discipline to not let things get you down, to try to make a good thing out of a bad situation. Well, thats exactly what Tangi did. He was pretty good with trying to find the good things in everything and everyone.