Having a couple nightmares

A few nights ago I couldnt get to sleep. So I ended up staying up till really late. And then all I could see was my husbands face right when he died. And seeing his mums face when she died. I couldnt get it out of my head and it was really frightening. Sometimes I feel like I'm immune when it comes to my feelings about how everything really is. Because I'm good at supressing everything so that no one else knows exactly whats going on. It's not a good coping mechanism but it helps me to think things through easier.
But yeah, I was having a couple nightmares and it freaked me out a bit. I ended up crying so hard that my daughter woke up next to me, and she saw me crying and was patting my arm saying ' its alrite mum'. She's only 1 and she was trying to reassure me and make me feel better.

I had one nightmare while I was at my inlaws place when Api was sick. It 2 nights before she passed away. And I saw her standing in front of me bleeding from her nose, eyes, mouth and ears gasping for breath. I was terrified that I woke up. I didnt know what to make of it.

I started thinking about career options and if I'd actually be good at being a nurse. I think I'm good when it's an emergency, I find that all my adrenalin just pushes me into action because I know what to do. But I dont think I want to deal with all the sickness. Yeah there are the patients that go and dont' come back to the hospital. But to see the regular patients and then getting the news that they passed away. Or even trying to resuscitate them but its no use. How can Doctors do that, live with that kind of thing. They get used to it, it just becomes the norm for them. They try not to get too close to the patient so that it doesnt affect them as badly. hmm