I am feeling a whole lot better and am thinking about ending this blog. It's more because I feel like I've come thru everything that I was feeling and going thru. I feel like I don't have this heavy weight pressed down on me anymore. I actually feel like I am moving on with all the issues that I have written about. The issues that had me for the last few years. I'm not over my husband but I do know that I have a life to get on with. I'm not going keep putting things on hold because I'm feeling sad. Getting out there for me has been the best thing, because it's helped to stop be so selfish and worry about whats really important. I've got the same ideas and perspectives but have just added onto what I already thought and felt. I don't resent those that I had a bit of conflict with, I don't feel that I have to please everyone, I don't feel that I have to be so angry all the time. I actually feel really happy with what I have achieved. I feel like I can do whatever I want. I had accomplished a really important goal just recently and it was something that I have been working on for quite a while. And I achieved it. It was exhilirating to know that I have come so far and I wanted to celebrate with my family and friends. But came to the conclusion that this was my happy news and I will share it with my children. Yes, I am trying to make some new friends so that I can get back out into the socialising circle. Will be a little bit difficult but hey, I think it's going to be worth it and worthwhile. I know that what I'm going to experience in the next 15-20 years are going to be a brand new chapter on my life. I just feel so wonderful.

My grown up kids

Here are my two grown up kiddies. I tied Pearls hair up but she keeps pulling the hairtie out. She'll get used to it. She's 20months. So I guess that makes her 1 year and 7 months old. Dupri with his short haircut and smooth looks. hahaha. I am going to have trouble with him, he'll be bringing home all the girls.

The kids doing their head to the side, cutie look. haha. Well, it's actually Pearl's move but Dupri thought it'd be kool to do it for the camera too.

This is is nice photo of them. And what's even cooler, is that both me and Tangi are in the background. See, our family photo.

This is a really nice brother sister photo. I love it!!!! He looks really protective of his sister, which he is by the way. And Pearl knowing her big brother is there for her. What little cuties!!

Not much has been happening lately. Just the same ol. Still feeling tired but also feeling lighter and happier than I've been in a long time. Feels good to smile again for real. Not to have to fake smile so that no one knows whats going on inside. It's actually a genuine smile. But yeah, right now, my eyes are getting heavy, my kids are sleeping. So maybe I should follow suit. Get a power nap in.

a lot done

Okay, well I havent done too much lately but it's enough for me to feel like I've achieved something. I have nearly finished sorting thru our stuff in our room. When we moved in, I just chucked everything in and it was cluttered and stuff everywhere. Now it's a whole lot more room in here, or it feels like there's more room. But I havent quite finished it yet tho. And it's not that I'm lazy or anything about doing it, for some reason I'm trying to prolong it. I guess I'm trying to make this project last a little longer.
I was talking to someone the other day and said to them that I'm wanting to take something else on to keep me busy. They asked me what have I got going in my life. And that person listed nearly everything for me, like kids, parents, YWs calling, school etc. It's a lot that I've got, but I still want more. He thought I meant in the literal sense of wanting to move on, but for me, no it's not that. I think that I want more to do. So that I feel that I'm constantly busy all the time. It makes me feel a bit more important and keeps me more focused. I don't really know what it is, but the more I have nothing to do, the lazier I get and the crankier i get too. I like having goals that I'm passionate about. And usually I find that when I make a decision, I make sure that I follow thru with what I've decided. And it's because I've decided that it's what I want to do. Not because anyone else told me that I should do it. People can always give me advice but it's my choice whether or not I want do it. And it always ends up being my decision. No one makes me do anything.
I've enjoyed spending my time with my kids. I still have to work on my tone that I use. I've been told that I have a harsh way of talking. hahaha. I believe it too. I guess it was because thats how I was brought up, was with the harsh word. hahaha. A goal that I'm trying to work on that needs to be achieved within the next year and a half, is to get our own place again, downgrade our car to a little one (since it's only us 3 for a while), get a parttime job and get dupri into more daycare, get pearl into parttime daycare. I have a few others, but I think most of these are achievable so I'm working hard on the last 3 goals. Hopefully get pearl into daycare the same hours as dupri and then I've got 3 mornings with no children at all. And then I've got more time to get my schoolwork done. I can't concentrate with them around at all. I get too distracted and it's pointless for me to even study because nothing is soaking into my cranium with the kids running in and out all the time. So yeah, that should hopefully keep me busy.
Went to the movies last week with a couple mums. We went and saw 'the women', its got like, meg ryan as the lead. it's a crackup movie. it had the funniest birthing scene. i couldnt stop cracking up at it.

Do you think that a mother should feel hopeless??

Well thats how I feel sometimes. Even though there is all this praise and things to help motivate you, I can't help but feel hopeless most days. My kids are being kids and I still can't keep my kool. Now, I have had a couple talks about where I'm at and that with professionals and they don't think that I'm depressed. Just that I'm having a bad time. Because my head is actually in a good head space. I can think clearly and I'm not thinking anything suicidal. I was like that when Tangi was sick because I thought that if I left, then it'd make it easier on everyone else becaues I always felt like such a burden. Even now I feel like a burden but it's not in the same way. It's kinda like, those who don't know me that well and think I'm a dork are the ones who don't really care too much obviously, but those who actually do really care about what happens to me, are being really supportive. I would never hold my life over anybody because that would be the most selfish thing to do.
There was something that was said when I was down in Tokoroa. It wasnt anything that was degrading or anything but someone mentioned that there were a few people hating on me. And I do have some qualities in me that would invoke a little hating but from what she said, it sounded like it was a bit more than that. And I didnt let it bother me much, but i have been thinking about it a little bit, like what have I done to make a few people think that I'm unbearable to be with. There's one person for certain that I don't get along with that well and thats my little sisterinlaw Temaru. We kinda got along at first until she came to live with us in sydney, and then I actually saw who she really was. But she's showing that side of herself a lot more openly. She does have a few good reasons to act that way but not enough for me to feel sorry for her. She made her choices at how she wants to treat those close to her and I've pretty much made the decision that I would rather not have much to do with her. I don't have any time for her other than the necessary. I tried a little bit during the funeral but I still found myself getting ticked off at her attitude and laziness. But she does have a big heart but not a very smart brain. But Other than most of Tokoroa who Api vented onto, then I guess there would be a lot of people who would not like me that much. Man, it's like as if they've all gotten onto the wrong side of me to have to make that judgement that they dont like me. But I guess thats what immature people do when they make a judgement based on what other people say and not their own experiences. But oh well. That's what I have to live with, is the consequence of what my attitude has done. It's my own doing.
Today I was feeling lonely quite a bit. And everytime I feel lonely I start to ring people up to see if they're busy and if they want to hang out. I've found that usually people are too busy to just hang out. So, thats my own fault to not having any close close girlfriends. I've been over to my brothers place a couple times and hung out with Jax and Dionte and man, it's been exactly what I needed just to get me thru the rest of the day. I guess I miss those days of when I was single and able to just turn up at someones place and chilll out without feeling like my kids were being a nuisance or that I have to get a babysitter just to be able to hang out. But I'm blabbing a bit tho.
I've had a lot of mixed feelings about moving on and trying to just get out there again. I want to because I miss the socialising and the chilling out with mates and stuff, but then I dont because I've got my two kids. I just feel that unless I've got something actually on, I have to take them with me. I should be more thankful that I do have a lot of people that I can ask to look after my kids for me. I just never saw myself ever that I would have to ask my family to take care of my children at times. Mostly because I never thought I would ever be a solo mother. I never dreamed that this would happen to me. Because I knew that whoever I chose, I would never divorce them, or if things got bad, i would try my best to make it work. so I never thought that this would happen to me. But it did in one way or another. I still miss Tangi a lot. I still love him. I can't take my wedding ring off because I'm not even near ready. He's my eternal companion. I am going to be with him when I die and no one else. Which reminds me. I have to make a will which states that no matter who I end up with, I am to be buried with Tangi. I know that it will hurt whoever I'm with but I will make sure that they know this before we get together. Which makes it that much harder to even want to be with someone else. Because how can I say to them that yeah, I want to be with them but not give them all of me. Becuase I dont want to give much to them. I gave it all to Tangi. He has everything of me. Why would I bother giving it to someone else.

Day 3

Last night I had a pretty good sleep. Was able to just put my head on the pillow and out i went. So that was pretty good. I passed on the gentle excercise session today and just relaxed in the room. I finished the book ' to kill a mockingbird'. It was pretty good. Went into the ballroom and had a 'clay' session. made a couple things but nothing that great. then we went out into the garden and had to write to ourselves in the future. I dated mine 17 september 2010. Just so that I could be more realistic as to how things would be in a years time. So that was a good excercise. Then lunch, had toasted sandwiches, which had veges and tofu in it. mmm. and then had a long break so had a little nap and read a little bit and then i went for another massage. Today's one felt really good, she had a different style to the lady on monday. so it felt really good. had a nice long hot shower afterwards to get the oils off my skin, cause my skin is already oily and adding more just makes me break out. Had dinner which was quite nice and started on a 1000 piece puzzle, which i'm thinking about just packing up because I wont be finished by friday. I rang Dupri and Pearl this evening because I miss them. And knowing me, when I get home it'll be 'go away' gosh. hahaha. Man, i miss those two gremlins. they really make my day. Every night when i put them to bed, pearl comes and gives me endless kisses and always ends it with a 'lav yooo'. hehehe translation means 'love you'. and dupri always chucks in a 'nose' which is nudge each others noses before he says love you and hops into bed. I really miss giving them cuddles. i make them cuddle me haha because i love it. they bring so much hapiness into my life, even when most days i just cant get out of my crabby mood. so yeah thats pretty much been my day today so far. not that much going on, just relax, relax, relax and oh, did i say relax. yeah. well.

2nd day at the monastery

Day 2

Last night I didnt sleep that well at all. First of all, I couldnt even get to sleep. It took a few attempts to even be able to keep my eyes closed because I was already exhausted but obviously my body didnt want to sleep. When I did finally get to sleep I kept waking up. So I had a pretty restless night last night. The bed was really comfortable tho. So this morning, had toast and homemade organic jam. Had an excercise workshop which was basically just a theory based excercise thing. It was good. Trying to find ways in how I can get more excercise at home to help me feel a whole lot better. And then straight after that had a nutrition workshop which was talking about what foods have what things in them. And what not to eat so much of and how to balance our nutrician. It was really informative. We had lunch, which was vegetarian burrito's. I had about 4 because i was starving by about then. I'm still trying to get used to this diet because I think my body is cleansing itself out with all this organic and healthy diet that they give. I then had reflexology on my feet and the therapist said that I have tense shoulders and neck area and my back is tender because of my posture. And she gave me some stuff that might help me to sleep. It's lavendar, rose and gold and they put it on a cloth and when i'm about to go to sleep to put it on my heart. They say that gold is what the sun is made out of and our body draws its strength from the sun so it makes sense to put that nearer to our hearts to help cleanse it. So, i'm going to try it out tonight. After that I had a little time to myself and then had a counselling session. It was really good to just talk about myself for a change and have someone actually listen to what i'm saying. she said that I am doing well with coping with whats happened in my life and that my way of thinking is extremely good. My head is in a good place and I've learnt a whole lot thru my experiences. And despite what others have done to me, i'm still trying to maintain my relationship with those people. so i thought that was pretty kool that she saw that from what i told her. Told her about my sleeping, which hasnt been that good for about a year, well since tangi was diagnosed. Actually i think a month or two before that but yeah, about a year. And she suggested to have a bath before, so the staff are getting a lavendar bath ready for me with candles and everything. awesome huh!!!! I'm reading the book ' To kill a mocking bird'. I've heard lots of people refer to this book in various things and thought, well since i'm here, i might as well read it since i won't hire it out at a library. And I must say that it is an interesting book. set in the 1930s in South Alabama when the blacks were slaves. its' interesting and not what i thought it would be like. so if you pick it up at all, then i suggest that you have a go at it. it's nothing like 'twilight' but hey, its still interesting. hahaha.

My first day at the Monastery

I got here at about 10am. I drove down the driveway and it actually has quite a sharp turn and it goes down to the house. The driveway is lined with beautiful huge trees and shrubs everywhere. I got to the house and was greeted by one of the awesome staff here. They are soo friendly and understanding. She showed me to my room. It's called the 'Kingfisher' Room becuase of the portrait of a kingfisher in it. I've got my own ensuite which is awesome. They had morning tea waiting for me and a footbath. Man, it smelt like lavendar and something else that just smelt soooo yum. so i had a 15 minute footbath and just relaxing in the sun on this comfy as seat in my room. And then after that, we got to have a talk about what to expect throughout the rest of the day and also for the rest of the week. And just to utilise this time here as time especially for me. So I'm already feeling blown away by what we'd done already. Lunch was served and it was 'lentil and bean soup'. It was quite yum, it was accompanied with wheat bread and gluten-free bread (for the other guest here, yes there is only two of us. awesome aye!!) with pesto which was yum. I think i ate most of the pesto. And then there was a salad for afterwards with vinigrette dressing. I went and had a nap after lunch becuase I was feeling a bit exhausted and weathered. Someone came in and woke me up becuase it was 4pm. So I got up and had a little chat with one of the staff, and she just made sure that I still wanted what I had asked for at my first assessment. I said yes, i still want to have a relaxing time and unwind and have me time. She told me that i was booked into a massage this afternoon. So the massage therapist did an assessment with me and then we went into the 'Rose room'. The massage was quite sore in some parts, but felt awesome when she was finished. She said that I had a lot of tension in my shoulders. Its apparently the most common place for women to hold their stress. It sounds right that!! And then dinner was ready. We had 3 courses, roast vegetables (capsicum, and other stuff), this wheat stuff with salmon and bean sprouts, carrots and beans. Pudding was Pear with Ricotta cheese and a bit of chocolate. It was yum, and yes, they cook vegan which i dont mind. i'm all for experiencing a different thing at the moment. So I had a shower and then came into the 'Ballroom' and had a meditation session which was for about 10 minutes and now i'm on here writing about it. The rest of the week is quite full on with the schedule that they gave us but I don't have to do every single thing if i don't want to. It still will be relaxing as ever and also beneficial to my wellbeing, so i dont mind doing it to help me come home as a better and more aware person. Even just having a 10 minute chat to the other lady that is here has been nice. She's an elderly woman and feeling the strain of being lonely. She's actually quite an independent woman but has experienced a lot of grief in her life and it's all catching up with her. It's the same with me. I just feel that my outlets havent been that beneficial but that i've been bottling most of it up because i have no choice but to move on for the sake of my children. and the pressures from other people for me to move on. Even tho i can see where they're coming from, it still doesnt seem right becuase they havent gone thru this yet. And it'll be interesting to see what happens when it is their turn. Because it is going to happen to every single one of us, losing the person you love most in the world. It's just that, my time has come a whole lot earlier than everyone else. Even my own family. Only my nanny can relate to me. Well, I can honestly say that yes, i am enjoying myself thus far. The building is really beautiful and the grounds are beautiful too. I'm going to take some photos tomorrow to take home and put on here. But won't put anything up until i get home on Friday. I'm not missing my kids yet, but mostly because i know that they're ok.