Some things I've achieved thus far

Now, I've only gotten laughs and a little bit of mockery since telling my family, but I saw an advert in the local paper for a musical 'The Sound of Music' to be exact. I looked at it and just thought, 'i have no idea what i would sing and i wouldnt even be good enough'. But i was still curious about it. so i spoke about it to my dad and he just burst out that i should go and do it, it would be a good opportunity and it would be good to expose my children to that world. so i picked up the phone and booked an audition time.
apparently i hadn't till last minute to get an audition and so i couldn't get any songs or scripts sent to me. which was fine by me since this was a spur of the moment thing. but she said that she would be able to fit me in the next morning at 9am. So i was sweet with that. she asked me what role i was auditioning for, and i just said to her, well i don't know, whatever is available really. so she said that i would need to audition for the nuns chorus. so i was fine with that too.

so i went to the audition, and i was the second person to audition with them. it was weird because the person before me was a little girl who had a huge voice. she was really good. it was my turn and i gave them the song 'listen' by beyonce to sing and only got through 4 lines because the pianist couldn't find the next page. so they asked me to do scales instead. which i was fine with as well, they were easy as. and then they sent me on my way.

last thursday i got a letter, i opened it dreading the result and it said 'CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE BEEN CAST IN THE PRODUCTION OF THE SOUND OF MUSIC' My gosh, i got the part. This was my first ever audition for anything and i actually got the part. i'm actually going to be on stage singing and performing. so i'm excited about that part of things.

Also i've decided that i will write about my experiences and put it into a book. it's nowhere near where it should be in regards to being anywhere close to a proper story but i figured that i would be able to put something together and see how things go from there. so that'll be good.

i've been thinking lots about tangi. he would've been so proud at what i've achieved so far. He was always supportive of what i wanted to do. And now i feel sometimes, that even though the rest of my family are supportive, i still feel alone.

there's a YSA conference on next month and i want to go to it, but none of my single YSA friends have contacted me about going. or contacted me for anything actually. And i've been doing the ringing and stuff. it's so frustrating actually. I don't want to go because i'm looking for someone, i want to go so that i can socialise with other people my age. the huge difference is that i'm a solo mother who has been married and is still technically married. my mother pointed out that i don't fit anywhere and she's right. i don't fit into the young married groups because my husband isn't here anymore, i don't fit into YSA because they're mostly single and never been sealed before so are looking for an eternal companion and i don't fit into SA because they'r emostly 35 and older. And i don't fit into YW either since I'm over 18. Any other widow is over 50 so it's just a matter of time before i have another breakdown or something. or it seems that way. I'm trying my hardest to just get myself together, which i have done mostly on my own, but during that time when i was at my lowest, i must've pushed away my friends so much that they don't really want to hang out anymore. so i'm back at square one. But then again, i have spoken with a couple of YSA guys who i used to hang out with and they say that i should come along and hang out, which i don't mind becuase we all used to be mates before i was married. but i just don't want to have to go all alone to meet people there who probably won't be there until the very end, and everyone else are so cold and stick to themselves. i feel like an inactive or something with the entire place not wanting to welcome me and stuff. i don't know if that sounds stupid or not but in some ways, i'm now kind of experiencing what they experience. i'm experiencing what my husband felt when he first moved to hamilton. no one wanted to say hi to him, to make him feel welcome. i was the only person who made him feel like hamilton was worth it. he actually hated hamilton people because they were cold and stuck to themselves. but hey, most of these cats know who i am anyway so its no big secret or anything of who i am and what i've been through but it's still the same scene. but anyway, thats enough of my moaning.

things are going pretty good for me and i should just learn to stop complaining when things are going quite good despite the circumstances. anyways, i'm going to make my kids dinner. my son calls dinner 'mum can i have some cooking.' hahha. all because i told him i was cooking so now kai is cooking. hahha.

Internet and phone's back on

I've been disconnected for about 1 1/2 months due to non payment. Yes it was my fault but that is because i had the choice to either pay my phone bill or fix my car. and i chose to fix my car instead. Hence why it's taken me a whole month and a half to get my phone back on. but i'm so stoked now that i can just jump on the internet in the safety of my own room.

My parents internet is way too slow for me to sit there without trying to break the screen for making me wait so long, or having to drive to my brothers place to park in their driveway and use my laptop in the car while i'm trying to keep the kids quiet. It's definately been a learning curve.

I took my mum to a monument place and got a quote for headstone that i wanted. My dad is still trying to make the headstone but it's not going to come out in the colour that i want it to be. So I wanted to get prices to see how much fundraising i'm going to have to do to get this done the way that i want it done. But the around about price that the headstone is going to come to be is about $4000. Probably a little bit less than that. But thats a hell of a lot of fundraising to do just to get it done. I just spoke to my sister in law and she said that her dad wanted to know if his name and his wife's name will be on the headstone as well. I said to her that i wasn't planning on it because my name won't even be on it. Mostly because i don't see the point in putting my name on it since i'm going to be buried with him and it'l be on it on a later date. so yeah. But the only people who have the utmost privilige of having their names on the stone is going to be our children, Dupri and Pearl. but it's going to be interesting if there are any demands on what is to be on it. But i've asked my sister in law to organise some fundraising stuff for down there. because i need their help with coming up with four grand. And since its their son, i'm letting them be able to be a part of it. So thats what i wanted to do.

I'm still trying to get my head around a few things, especially finances. I've got a lot to learn about saving and book keeping. Even though i can do it no problems, i have a problem with sticking to budgets. especially if there's any spare money lying around. but thats something that i'm definately working on anyway.

I feel like i've got more of a positive outlook on life. It's definately a lot easier to deal with. But i still miss my babe. But one thing that i did for fun was that i auditioned for THE SOUND OF MUSIC. Crazy huh. I've never done anything like that before, i havent from the producers yet if i got any part. i tried out to be a nun. But then again, the sound of music isn't my genre that i like. but at least i went and did it. so i'm happy that i stepped out of my comfort zone and tried it.

well thats me for now, i need to go and pick up my son and then start working on my calling as YW secretary and get all our typing and office work stuff sorted. So either way, i'm busy which is good. I know that I made the decision to stay in church and stuff, but that doesn't mean that i don't have urges to drop it all and go buckwild. So i'm glad that i've got my calling to keep me focused on what i want. I find that i get distracted very easily, regardless of if i'm doing the right thing or not. there are things that still appeal to me. my dad said that it goes away after a while, the appeal and the urge to do those things that we shouldn't but it does go away after a while, its whether or not we want to stick it out depends on our success of overcoming those temptations.

so yeah, have a nice day

mouth watering recipes

Ok, so protein shakes and bars arent the most appetizing. So i thought that if i could come up with 3 new recipes that were absolutely healthy in every way yet tasted so awesome that i would love ot eat it a lot. then that would be a success.

so i will start my journey for 3 mouth watering recipes.

if you have any suggestions, i will try it out and see what happens.

mmm

NEW MOON

Ok so since i'm a twilight fanatic. hahaha. yes i am coming out of the closet. well i never was in there but hey, the expression fits.

so i watched the "new moon' trailer which is the sequel to twilight. for those who don't follow the latest craze. And it's soooo awesome. Seeing Jacob turn into a werewolf is MADDD!@!!! hahahaa. i stay in my seat. i'm sooo excited. i cannot wait

i dont know how many times i can say that i love it. but hten again, i'm hooked on vampires, especially these vampires.

dream

I had a dream the other night. or maybe it was more of a nightmare than anything.

I had woken up and looked over at my son who was lying very still. I assumed he was asleep until i saw how pale he looked. I rushed out of bed and called out ot him. Dupri wake up. he just shook under my arms. i kept shaking him but he wouldnt wake up. the nightmare then cut to the funeral. But i was putting him on top of his dad. and then i could see that i was broken, torn, a mess. i couldn't deal with the loss of my husband and one of my children. i had to send pearl away because i couldnt even look after myself.

i woke up for real and pearl was already awake. i looked over ot dupri and he was pale and very still. i told pearl to go and wake him up. she went over to him 'pri wake up' she shook him. he didnt move. 'pri wake up' a little louder. and then his eyes fluttered. man was i happy. i was so relieved that the dream wasn't true. i didnt want it to be true. i couldnt stand it. i just got up and gave dupri a really big hug.

so yeah tha was my dream. not a very nice one for a parent.

its too cold here

Well now that it's fully into winter we have had our heaters on full bore. But at least the kids are warm. At least until Dupri wants to go to the toilet and then he refuses to get up and would rather pee the bed instead. Geez. but when it's nice and warm he'll happily get up and walk himself to the toilet.

I just printed off last years blog entries. It came to about 30 pages without the photos. Pretty impressive i must say.

Ah well my kids are tired and so am i. so need to put them ot bed.

Feeling a tiny bit drained but ok

I dont know what it is exactly that makes me feel like I'm doing too much yet not enough. I like to feel constantly busy but i dont seem to have much to do. Weird.!

Anyways, havent done much other than pay bills and more bills. I really want to start getting into fundraising. i've decided that saving for the money is going to be wayy too hard and that I would much rather use that money to be able to go on a holiday or even to fix my car or put a deposit down on a new car. But of course i can't afford a new car, or a holiday. I'm trying to pay off some outstanding debts and then I will have more money to play around with. Having another person to take half the bills did make it easier but harder at the same time. its like as if, when u have a partner or somethng, your bills getting tripled because of whatever debt that they had. And also because of the extra food, power etc. But in reality you do get more money overall. So why is it that you still arent able to save much. Damn life and its never ending bills.

I have had a recurring dream of being on Ellen as a guest for writing a book. I'm still working on that side of things. My dad has always told me that I'm a good short story writer. I'm just working on a couple projects at the moment but can't seem to keep my mind on one track. so im' writing all over hte place and seeing how that goes and then will go back and tidy it up. And I've already got a line of people ready and willing to read what i've written. I've even had an offer for someone to be my publicist. So i'm hoping that I have enough motivation to just finish this book and then see if any publishers are interested in it and see what kinds of pointers they have to offer to make the book better and exciting for people to read. So yeah, i'm a bit tired. so i better get off and try to have a little bit of a rest.

its my dads birthday today he's 59. Geez what a fossilised old hogey he is. And he still bikes too and from work. And cause it's Hastings Stake temple week this week, we've got a house full of people, and my bro fro Aussie is coming over for song fest to be a judge. so much going on yet it feels boring at the same time. how ironic.