Can't sleep

It's now 1.12am Monday and I feel the heaviness in my eyes, but not anything else. I have tried closing my eyes, in fear that I would go to sleep. Not for the rest, but I seem to not be able to remember any of my dreams lately. I imagine that when i'm dreaming, Tangi comes to me and we sit and talk. I think that thats what happening but I can't remember anything. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be because I know that I would be asking Tangi what it's like there and who he's seen and if he's talked to our baby yet or our 2 nieces. We had a miscarriage in between Dupri and Pearl. Yes it was devastating but when we were pregnant with Pearl, that hole was filled up with the joy that we are able to have another baby. Right before Tangi started his Chemotherapy treatments, we were told that it could leave Tangi infertile. That was pretty scary for me especially, because I saw us having at least 2 or 3 more kids. So we got the Dr's to organise for us to store some of Tangi's (soldiers). Now because it's Australia, yes they do do that because they have different laws to NZ. One thing thats been on my mind for quite a while is that I still want another baby. The pro's of it, is that Me and Tangi have 3 kids, I get another baby to keep me company. The cons of it, Tangi won't be there still to help raise the child, I won't get any rest from night feeds, the other 2 will keep waking up from the crying, I have to go thru pregnancy again, mood swings, bad attitude, more fatness, and possible postnatal depression. There's a lot more con's than pros. Do I really think I'm ready for this. To actually go thru with not being able to depend on my husband for strength during my labour. He's the reason why I made it through both of the births. With Dupri, I was getting too weak to continue, with Pearl, I gave birth to her in our van. In both instances, Tangi was there to keep me focused, his touch was welcomed whereas everyone else felt like razors.
I know that this is all over the place with what I'm writing, maybe it's the tiredness finally setting in, i don't know.
Me and Tangi read a book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. What was good in there, was that it made me realise that women (myself) just talk our problems through until we figure out what the real reason is. Whereas guys, will just either hold it in but when ready to let it out, get straight to the point and thats it. I would talk to Tangi for hours complaining about one little thing and end up figuring out 4 hours later why I'm angry. The power of a womans mind. Man.
Sometimes I have thoughts about what wouldve happened if it was me who got the cancer. What would Tangi have done. He said that he wouldve sent the kids away and dealt with me himself. He wouldve brought me home and taken care of me himself. And you know what!!! I know he wouldve, because thats how much he loves me. So why couldnt I do that for him. I was too busy worrying about the kids and trying to make sure that their foundations were set. For me, it was important that their early years had me or him in it. I never ever wanted anyone else to raise my kids for me. I even agreed at one point to let the Dr's send Tangi to a resthome because it was better for all of us. I have always beat myself up for agreeing with Tangi with that decision. I had told him that no i want him to come home, but he told me that no, it wasnt fair on me, to look after him and both of the kids. I had even thought about getting rid of the kids myself so that I could focus on Tangi. But it was the kids that has pulled me through all this. I knew that Tangi was being looked after, but it was me and the kids that needed a bit of looking too. Me, well i'm looking after myself.
Well it's 1.31am and my eyes are finally getting tired now. had a 3 minute sleep in between paragraphs ahhahaha.
So good news anyways, I have signed up for an online course doing Travel Consultant Course. Which will lead me to a complete Tavel and Tourism Certificate. And it should all be completed by the time I am ready to go back to work. Which won't be for another 2 maybe 3 years. I'm going to make sure that my children have the best mother until they start school. Then I will be officially SUPERMUM!!!!! I just need a few more years to accomplish that title.