Just a quick one

I'm writing this before I have to get ready for my meeting for tonight. So it's only a 5 minute write up of how i'm feeling at the moment.

There have been a few times where I've felt like such a huge burden on my family. One, a financial burden on my parents because I havent been paying our board. I should be, but that actually quite literally puts a strain on my head. Because it's yet another bill to pay with everything else. I think that I'm in the same boat as everyone else tho because I'm not exactly the most richest person in the world.
2nd, I feel like I'm a burden on everyone else who I ask to babysit my kids. My parents are the usual babysitters, and even tho they say yes, most of the time, i know that they're tired because of their committments and their age. haha. ok i had to put the age thing in there. yeah, they're getting old and tired. And they do have a whole lot on their plate. I feel like it's too big of a thing to ask my brothers to babysit much because one brother has a different schedule to me and the other has an overdose of commitments, that fitting me into his schedule is a huge ask as well. Sometimes i just wished it was easier. But i guess thats never going to happen aye. I've been trying to be a bit more proactive whilst still giving the kids their routine. They're soo happy just to be kids and my moods are sometimes a bit much for them.

Today, we went to the laundromat do dry some clothing. And before we had even gotten out of the car, i was already growling them. Told them to stay in the car so i could get the washing out and into the dryer so that we could do some other stuff while we waited for it to dry. Got the kids out, and dupri just took off while pearl was lagging behind. All I could do, was yell at dupri to 'get back here'. To everyone else, i know i look like a mental case because i'm always yelling at my kids or telling them off. But, it's not like many people come to help out with the disciplinary side of things. Or maybe it's just me being stupid yet again. I do overthink things. I've also been trying to clean out some of our stuff. and i came across the letters and cards from when tangi was in hospital and when he passed away. I couldnt bear to even open them up to read them, it was too painful to even hold them. so i put them back where they were for another time when i think i'm ready to go thru them again. It hasnt been that long since he died, its only been 5 months and it's still hard. I miss him still. Being in Tokoroa brings too many things back that it hurts to be there. All the pictures of him, the letters and even his old clothes are still there. How can someone do this alone. Everyone else have gone back to their normal everyday lives, where they worry about themselves. there's absolutely nothing wrong with that at all, because thats' what theyre suppoesd to do. I want someoen to share my burden with me, but I want it to be Tangi. Nobody else. I've been watching the Aussie time of 'home and away'. Martha, Tony and Rachel launched the boat that jack and tony were doing up. And martha saw jack just sitting on the boat. That was a really sad thing for me to see. Because even tho i didnt see Tangi, i definately felt him when his mum was leaving this world. He was there, he touched me. I felt it. I miss him soo much and i just wish this wasnt so hard and painful. I loved him a whole lot.
Some ladies at the funeral of my motherinlaw were giving me a hard time about tangi being buried here in hamilton and not in tokoroa with his mother. I didnt give two stuffs about it coming from those who werent LDS. But there were 2 ladies who were LDS and giving me a hard time about it. I couldnt get why they were saying this to me, becuase I wouldve thought they know better. But they obviously didnt. Because they said to me ' Tangi was her son, that was her sunshine, its sad that she's not able to be buried with him because that was her son'. I tried to tell them that he belongs to me and I belong to him, because we are sealed, but they were still persistant. What do u say to people like that. Nothing. Because no matter what u do say, they will still try to barge their thoughts and beliefs on you no matter what you think or say. But i've got to go and get ready, get my children ready for bed etc. Ok.