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I can't remember exactly when i started this blog but it was definately after Tangi passed away which would make it going on 9 months since he left. Which isn't that long ago. One minute I relive everything that we went through and the next minute, it feels like it was so long ago.

The amount of time that passed since he was diagnosed is 19 months. So I guess I really count it from when he was diagnosed because that's when the nightmare started. I can still remember vividly how everything happened, how I felt, what his face looked like and our horror at the news. Well he was fine with the news but I wasn't. I remember one night when we were watching tv together, and i turned and asked him. 'Why is it, that you find it hard to fight this babe?' He just turned to me and replied 'It was easy at the beginning, until I started feeling the pain. The pain is what makes it nearly unbearable to deal with.'.
Now one thing that the nurses said was that guys were usually the big babies compared to the girls and Tangi didn't want to be put into that catergory but he was in so much pain. And to be in so much pain for such a long time.

Even when he didn't have cancer, he would have pins and needles in his back and had to sleep on the floor just to feel a bit more comfortable. There were days up at the hospital that when I brushed his skin, it really hurt him and he flinched his hand away immediately. I always wonder if going through labour and childbirth is anything compared to the pain that cancer patients feel. The difference between the two is that you know for a fact that the labour will stop whereas you don't know when the cancer pain will end, or if it ever will.