Superman and Batman

Pearl had eaten her yoghurt and then made a start onto Dupri's one too. What a piggy!! She was enjoying it like crazy tho.

Superman and Batman LOL

Mannnnn both my kids think that they are either Batman, Superman or Spiderman. Pearl gets into it because Dupri is. So made them some capes yesterday and they went for gold with their capes. The last couple days have been a rollercoaster of feelings. A bit of everything at the moment. I was talking with my sisinlaw yesterday Dionte about what people didnt know about what me and Tangi had to deal with while he was sick.Yeah there was the physical aspect to everything with having to deal with the Leukemia itself. But noone, not even the nurses (only 2 of them) understood that we still had a marriage to try to keep alive. It was hard to have intimacy, I couldnt even hug my husband because he was either too sick, too tired or nurses coming in because they're doing their job, or visitors just not going away. It was really annoying when I would come up to see him and he was tired from the visitors who had come to see him. And he had no energy left for me and the kids. It was hard for a wife, going throughout your marriage of never letting each other go, being able to go to bed with each other and then all of a sudden, he has to stay somewheree else and u can't touch him because he was too sore or too sick to even touch the bed. It even got soo bad with me and Tangi that we both had thoughts about leaving each other thinking that it'll be easier on both of us to apart. Tangi didnt want us to see him go thru his pain, and I didnt want to be alone anymore. We ended up just leaving it for awhile and seeing how things go. My motherinlaw decided that she wanted to stay up with Tangi, that was really hard. She would take the kids out every now and then so that we could have alone time, but compared to having all day with him to only being able to have 5 minutes, it would make me angry. Wanting to talk to him just on my own but always having someoen just sitting there in the room with us. We werent able to have any couple time for a few weeks. No one understood that ourr marriage was still important. I was being told not to talk to my husband anymore because he shouldnt be bothered with anything. For me, it waas like, who the hell are you telling me what i can and cant' do in my own marriage. Get the hell out!!!!!

Me and Tangi spoke about it when he got a bit better. We would have occasional hugs and kisses, but even then it was really hard. Trying to make sure that he could try to bond iwth the kids but he found it really really hard, especially when he couldnt move at all. He couldnt hold the kids, he couldnt lift them up onto the bed himself, he couldnt even console them when they were crying. Most people just dont realise the stresses on a marriage when someone is sick for such a long time. and how hard it is to feel that intimacy which is vital to keeping a marriage alive. I was fine with not being able to have sex ever again. Because I knew it wasnt an option anymore, but to not have ANY intimacy was really hard. I wish things couldve been different. That certain people couldve listened more to us when we told them to leave and to give us space. I would get annoyed at the nurses too because a couple of them were really cold. I got soo annoyed at these few nurses that I asked for them not to anywhere near Tangi. The Physios were really kool, They were very flexible that when we had just arrived to see Tangi, he was able to ask them to come back so that we could have alone time. Tangi was only able to give me the time and energy on his better days, but he always tried his best when he wasnt feeling his best. Our last night together was the bestest feeling that I have ever had in such a long time. Its been almost a year and that was the best time I had with my husband since he got sick. Being able to lie with him again in our own home. It just felt right and I felt safe again. I'm hoping that whoever reads this, can understand some of the feelings that I've had. And the reasons why I was a pretty cold person at times.

Our house

This is our place. I put up these shelves all on my own. Theyre good and fixed into place with my ol Bob the Builder handyman skills. hahahahaha. So yeah, we're behind the house in our little sleepout next to the garage. its good in that, dont have to get into each others faces all the time. Hated living inside with mum cause all it was, why havent u cleaned up after the kids. and this is like 10 seconds after they made a mess and i was busy doing something. But its good being outside, can make our mess like little kids do and just throw a bucket of water on it to wash it away. hahahaha.

Trip to Hastings

Okay so now i've finally got my photos to upload onto my computer so here are some pics

This is my cuz's boy and Dupri hanging out in whakatu. And they were trying their best to get Dupri to take one of the puppies home. Man, I was like heyiiilllll no. Not until dupri can feed it and pick up its poos. Not me.

Trip to Hastings

Ive been trying to load on some photos that i took in hastings. they're pretty kool. Ah well. Well we went down to Hastings becuase my sisinlaw Tatiana, her mother passed away. She was a very lovely lady, she always had a story to tell about how she raised her kids to what she used to do. On the drive down, I couldnt stop crying. I kept thinking about how wonderful she must feel. Because last time I saw her, she was in a lot of pain. I was thinking about how Tangi and what Tangi was doing. I was getting massive jealous that my niece, and everyone else got to spend time with him. hahaha. I was thinking about a lot of things, but mostly that I missed my husband. I wished he was here to come down to Hastings with me. Im still pretty tired. Ive been tired quite a lot. In need of a power nap in the middle of the day. And that is regardless of if my day is busy or not. I just dont have that extra energy. Ive been snapping at the kids, for being kids. And even tho mum and dad are just inside, I still find it tough beiing a single mum. I've pretty much been a solo mother since Tangi was diagnosed with Leukemia. Trying to figure strategies that suit only me is hard. Not having anyone to take the load everyday is difficult. Even just so I can have a sleep. Trying to make sure they eat, even when i'm not eating. Making sure that its healthy food for them to eat and not just junk. Sometimes I wonder if I can even be bothered with anything. Sometimes all i want to do is just cry and do nothing. But these kids make me have to get up and do things. Just to make sure that theyre ok. dupri and Pearl still dont know much has happened. I will have to tell them when theyre old enough to understand. But at the moment, just making sure they recognise their dad when they see his picture. I miss my love, my babe

Its American time

And just in case you didnt notice. The time on the blogs is actually American time, Cause it's Monday 10.20am.

We're living with Mum and Dad at the back of their place in a sleepout next to the garage. It's pretty kool and private too. Still feel like we have some sort of independence. And don't have to be in each others faces so much. So it's pretty good. The kids enjoy it a lot, cause they get to run inside as much as they want and can come home when they want too. And they got more choice to run around. Whereas when we were inside, they didnt get much outside time. I'm trying to save for a few things that are happening Christmas and next year. My mums family, the Povey family are having a family Reunion at christmas, so we're flying down to Balclutha, which is south of dunedin for it. I havent seen my family for years. And then Tangi's unveiling will be next year. I'm still deciding on the date to have it and what kind of headstone. Something that will resemble both of us together. But i'm thinking that I want to go on a holiday, with either only myself or me and the kids. Like Fiji or somewhere like that. It would be kool just to relax and stuff. I think I do want to go somewhere that has a day spa definately. Help to unwind and relax, at least for a little while. But in the meantime, will check up on Jason's down in Taupo and see what I can do down there instead.

The kids were helping Nanny and Papa with their gardening. They were passing papa the branches. Dupri and Pearl were very good helpers on Saturday that they were soo tired, they went straight to bed.

These photos were taken at Dionte's Cook Island Avaiki Dance Practice. Pearl got up and was dancing with them. The group is pretty small and they need lots of work. Dionte was saying that they used to be a huge group but have dwindled over the year. The kids were excited when they heard the drums start up. So they ended up just running thru and around the dancers.

This is dupri's spiderman pose. So when he says Pidaman. That what he's saying. hahahahaa.

This is the usual cheesy grin. He's got the most crack up facials and always makes me laugh with his antics. Pearl's is a screwed up cheesy face. hahahaa.

These were good days to experience with my little family.

My Best Friend

I miss my best friend more than anything. I miss being able to talk to him and him talking back and giving me his opinion. I miss him just sitting there and looking at me. I miss being home with kids and hearing him walk thru the door from work. I miss being able to ask him if I can go and buy something just for me. I miss having close cuddles. I miss all his kisses. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss the kids faces everytime they see their dad. I miss his smell. I miss his wisdom and his sense of humour. I miss eating with him. I miss him enjoying what I've cooked for him. I miss going for swims with him. I miss being a family. I miss showing him off to everyone. I miss buying him clothes that I like, knowing that he'll like them too. I miss waking him up in the middle of the night. I miss his smile. I miss his kind and caring heart. I miss going places with him. I miss him introducing me to his friends and family. I miss his stories and dreams. I miss being able to plan our life together. I miss being able to raise our kids together. I wish my husband was here to be with me. I miss my best friend.