Kids are funny!!!
My kids are so cute and funny, my daughter is trying to talk a couple words at a time, but she has her own language too. And Dupri is toilet training. He's doing pretty good actually. A couple times, I have overheard them arguing with each other about what a drink is called. Pearl calls a drink 'dubidoo' and dupri knows its a 'drink'. So pearl is yelling at him saying 'dubidoo' and dupri yelling back ' no its drink'. hahaha. Its a pretty funny thing to see.
The argue with me quite a lot. Its pretty annoying how much they can disobey you before you lose it with them.
I think I'm on top of the nits situation. I've been dousiing all our hair every 2 days just to kill off any of the newly hatched eggs and stuff. My hair is wayyy too thick to comb thru, dupri's tangles up way too much to actually do a good job. Pearl's hair is the only one out of us three that can actually get rid of every single egg and nit. Gross huh. So literally, me and dupri will have to cut most of it out or something. Well, thats why most of my childhood I had short hair. Because I was always catching nits. It was soo annoying. But ah well.
there were at least 3 cockroaches in our room yesterday and last night. 2 on my pillow, but one got away cause I felt it on my arm and i swished it away and felt it fall by my leg, so i kicked it away and then ran to turn the light on. And there was one right next to the light switch. but the one i kicked had disappeared. So now i'm just freaking out when my skin tingles. i think it's just tingling cause it knows i'm scared of cockroaches.
hahaha, well this blog was just full of gross stuff. hahaha. lucky you wont ever read what me and tangi used to talk about hahahahaha.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
not sure
I'm not too sure on what to say about what it felt like before I left here.
Someone asked me ' What did it feel like? and would I recognise the feeling again?? For me, I guess when I try to explain something or some way that I'm feeling. it kinda comes out and sounds stupid. But it feels a whole lot more than stupid. Ok I will try to explain the feeling that made me decide to take some 'ME' time.
Have you ever felt like you couldnt breathe, and then the room starts spinning and just doesnt stop. And then your vision just goes blurry from endless tears. Your chest is crushing from the heavy sobbing and your head is throbbing from the endless sleepless nights and constant worrying and contemplating. There is a never ending weight over your eyes and the front of your head. Nothing seems to shake it. I guess thats more or less what I was feeling. Some people could call it a 'mental breakdown', or a 'panic attack'. But I wouldnt know what to call it. It's not like this is unusual for me. I'm constantly feeling like this, but I guess enough was enough for me and I needed to try to get my mind out of it. It's a hell of a lot harder than you realise to convince your mind that it's ok to let it go.
I got a chance to talk to a few different people while on my holiday. Each of them have their own way of interpretating my situation. they're not all wrong, but they're not all right either. Because its their interpretation. I guess, if I were to have a mental breakdown, I would be literally not coping at all. I would be lifeless, not doing anything to help me or my kids, not speaking to anyone, pretty much not wanting to live. I would class that as a mental breakdown. A panic attack, usually only lasts in short bursts before it dies down and it's more of a physical response to stress than mental but it still relates to each other. I definately feel like my world is closing in on me, and I'm trying my best to keep it at bay, at least until I have finally fiigured out exactly what I want to do. I know for one thing, that I will pursue a career now. I don't really have much of a choice in the aspect of getting a job, but a career is different. I want to do something where I get to travel the worlds destinations and be able to promote the destinations. And I want to be able to do it once I'm qualified to do it.
I also thought about the whole marriage thing again, about if I will marry again. I decided that if the opportunity comes again, then yeah I will do it. Obviously explaining beforehand to the man who wants me, what I'm offering and thats only till death do us part. But I won't look around for it. Not anytime soon anyways. I must admit, that while I was in Hastings, I did want to meet up with someone. Only because I've been feeling quite lonely for awhile and thats the only reason. I had a few opportunities to do it but decided not to do anything. So I'm pretty proud of myself with that aspect of how things went. All I could think about was that, I have a lot more on the line at the moment than just the mere few moments with someone.
Do you ever wonder about if your loved ones are really watching over you. My sisinlaw and a friend were talking to me about a book. It's called 'The Message'. I've never read it but they were just telling me about it. the guy who wrote it isnt an author at all but just felt that he needed to write this book so he did. It's a real life experience where this guy goes into a coma for a few weeks and while he's in this coma, he experiences the other life and sees what its like there. And his grandfather takes him to see his family, his grandfather walks up to this guys dad, who was int he middle of a meeting or something. Whispered in his ear that he will be late for his plane if he doesnt finish up now. And the dad just had a face like he remembered something and finished up the meeting saying that he has a plane to catch. One of the messages that came out of this book was that our family who have passed on, havent forgotten about us. They still are around us, and the Holy Ghost, is quite literally our family helping us out. Giving us that guidance that we need. Being that little conscience in our head or that thing that just pops into our minds. whats it called , an epiphany. hahaha. I actually thought that was quite interesting. Especially when my friend who rang me last wednesday, while i was at the cemetary, about ot leave and coaxing me to go over to her place for dinner and to hang out. I could honestly feel Tangi there whispering for me to just accept the invitation and go. I felt him there with me while she was asking me over the phone. I was really trying to hard to come up with excuses not to go, but just felt warm and safe with going over to this friends place. The whole time, just how she was asking ' was like as if it was Tangi's voice coming thru asking me to go. It was definately a spiritual experience for me. I've never felt Tangi so close to me since he passed away.
There's never been a day that I don't think about my husband. Even while he was sick, all I could think about was how he was, if we would get thru it, if he will survive, what will we do when he comes home, how will the kids be, will we have more children. There were just too many things to think about. I always thought about everything. and then when I got to the hospital, a million more questions came into my head. What do the dr's think is going on, how fast will this chemo treatment cure him, will it cure him, wil the cancer come back, why couldnt this have happened to someoen else. I really miss my husband.
One thing I was thinking about, is that I've been a few places with my children. And I've felt the stares and heard the whispers. Even with family around, I still feel it. Sometimes I just think that, man, they're lucky that I'm even here. That I'm not balled up in my room crying everyday and refusing to get up. That I'm at least trying to get out there, to continue with my life and try to carry on. Even if it is by myself, I'm sweet as with trying my best to make my kids happy. I've had to learn the hard way to accept peoples help. Especially when it comes to my kids. I actually despise letting anyone have my kids because it makes me feel like i'm a bad mother, for not able to take care of them all by myself. That i should be stronger but arent.
I loved my babe, he was my best friend. I always felt safe with him, I could always depend on him to make me feel better, to let me know that everything will be ok. He was my rock in my life. He would always tell me that he loved me everyday, he would always walkin and kiss me everyday. My cousin was telling that when we went ot pick her up in hastings a couple days before our wedding. That she was dry wretching at us, hahahaha. She couldnt stand that Tangi would run around to open my door for me, and that we were always holding hands, and that he would always look at me like he loved me. I just cracked up and said, 'hey, thats the guy he was, he wasnt shy to show me and anyone else how he felt about me' 'He was my Edward cullen' hehehe. The perfect gentlemen!!!!!
Someone asked me ' What did it feel like? and would I recognise the feeling again?? For me, I guess when I try to explain something or some way that I'm feeling. it kinda comes out and sounds stupid. But it feels a whole lot more than stupid. Ok I will try to explain the feeling that made me decide to take some 'ME' time.
Have you ever felt like you couldnt breathe, and then the room starts spinning and just doesnt stop. And then your vision just goes blurry from endless tears. Your chest is crushing from the heavy sobbing and your head is throbbing from the endless sleepless nights and constant worrying and contemplating. There is a never ending weight over your eyes and the front of your head. Nothing seems to shake it. I guess thats more or less what I was feeling. Some people could call it a 'mental breakdown', or a 'panic attack'. But I wouldnt know what to call it. It's not like this is unusual for me. I'm constantly feeling like this, but I guess enough was enough for me and I needed to try to get my mind out of it. It's a hell of a lot harder than you realise to convince your mind that it's ok to let it go.
I got a chance to talk to a few different people while on my holiday. Each of them have their own way of interpretating my situation. they're not all wrong, but they're not all right either. Because its their interpretation. I guess, if I were to have a mental breakdown, I would be literally not coping at all. I would be lifeless, not doing anything to help me or my kids, not speaking to anyone, pretty much not wanting to live. I would class that as a mental breakdown. A panic attack, usually only lasts in short bursts before it dies down and it's more of a physical response to stress than mental but it still relates to each other. I definately feel like my world is closing in on me, and I'm trying my best to keep it at bay, at least until I have finally fiigured out exactly what I want to do. I know for one thing, that I will pursue a career now. I don't really have much of a choice in the aspect of getting a job, but a career is different. I want to do something where I get to travel the worlds destinations and be able to promote the destinations. And I want to be able to do it once I'm qualified to do it.
I also thought about the whole marriage thing again, about if I will marry again. I decided that if the opportunity comes again, then yeah I will do it. Obviously explaining beforehand to the man who wants me, what I'm offering and thats only till death do us part. But I won't look around for it. Not anytime soon anyways. I must admit, that while I was in Hastings, I did want to meet up with someone. Only because I've been feeling quite lonely for awhile and thats the only reason. I had a few opportunities to do it but decided not to do anything. So I'm pretty proud of myself with that aspect of how things went. All I could think about was that, I have a lot more on the line at the moment than just the mere few moments with someone.
Do you ever wonder about if your loved ones are really watching over you. My sisinlaw and a friend were talking to me about a book. It's called 'The Message'. I've never read it but they were just telling me about it. the guy who wrote it isnt an author at all but just felt that he needed to write this book so he did. It's a real life experience where this guy goes into a coma for a few weeks and while he's in this coma, he experiences the other life and sees what its like there. And his grandfather takes him to see his family, his grandfather walks up to this guys dad, who was int he middle of a meeting or something. Whispered in his ear that he will be late for his plane if he doesnt finish up now. And the dad just had a face like he remembered something and finished up the meeting saying that he has a plane to catch. One of the messages that came out of this book was that our family who have passed on, havent forgotten about us. They still are around us, and the Holy Ghost, is quite literally our family helping us out. Giving us that guidance that we need. Being that little conscience in our head or that thing that just pops into our minds. whats it called , an epiphany. hahaha. I actually thought that was quite interesting. Especially when my friend who rang me last wednesday, while i was at the cemetary, about ot leave and coaxing me to go over to her place for dinner and to hang out. I could honestly feel Tangi there whispering for me to just accept the invitation and go. I felt him there with me while she was asking me over the phone. I was really trying to hard to come up with excuses not to go, but just felt warm and safe with going over to this friends place. The whole time, just how she was asking ' was like as if it was Tangi's voice coming thru asking me to go. It was definately a spiritual experience for me. I've never felt Tangi so close to me since he passed away.
There's never been a day that I don't think about my husband. Even while he was sick, all I could think about was how he was, if we would get thru it, if he will survive, what will we do when he comes home, how will the kids be, will we have more children. There were just too many things to think about. I always thought about everything. and then when I got to the hospital, a million more questions came into my head. What do the dr's think is going on, how fast will this chemo treatment cure him, will it cure him, wil the cancer come back, why couldnt this have happened to someoen else. I really miss my husband.
One thing I was thinking about, is that I've been a few places with my children. And I've felt the stares and heard the whispers. Even with family around, I still feel it. Sometimes I just think that, man, they're lucky that I'm even here. That I'm not balled up in my room crying everyday and refusing to get up. That I'm at least trying to get out there, to continue with my life and try to carry on. Even if it is by myself, I'm sweet as with trying my best to make my kids happy. I've had to learn the hard way to accept peoples help. Especially when it comes to my kids. I actually despise letting anyone have my kids because it makes me feel like i'm a bad mother, for not able to take care of them all by myself. That i should be stronger but arent.
I loved my babe, he was my best friend. I always felt safe with him, I could always depend on him to make me feel better, to let me know that everything will be ok. He was my rock in my life. He would always tell me that he loved me everyday, he would always walkin and kiss me everyday. My cousin was telling that when we went ot pick her up in hastings a couple days before our wedding. That she was dry wretching at us, hahahaha. She couldnt stand that Tangi would run around to open my door for me, and that we were always holding hands, and that he would always look at me like he loved me. I just cracked up and said, 'hey, thats the guy he was, he wasnt shy to show me and anyone else how he felt about me' 'He was my Edward cullen' hehehe. The perfect gentlemen!!!!!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Eating Lambtails
These pics of my family eating and cooking the lambtails. I didnt eat any only because, the last time I had one was literally years and years ago. It's been awhile and the last one that I ate, was disgusting. So havent had any since. But I was more than happy to help cook them. which i only attempted once. The boys were pretty good at doing it. This was all at the back of my grandparents place. right next to the river. The kids were having fun running in and out of the river water. hahaha.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Bits of my holiday so far
I put this on a timer and took a pic of me in an orchard. This was where I stayed for the first 2 days of my holiday. It was pretty good timing actually. I was in the cemetary visiting Tangi before I left and I got a phonecall from a friend. she was saying that she was thinking about me all day and asked if I wanted to go have dinner that night. I was trying to tell her that I was about to go and have my holiday. But she was persistent and I kind of figured that Tangi must want me to go over so I agreed to it. When I turned up, she was giving someone a massage. I didnt know that she was a masseuse. And so she said that it was my turn next. It felt like a resort. Only because she was making me breakfast, lunch and dinner, and I was having a really good relaxing time. These are a couple pics of the place where I stayed. It was pretty beautiful and peaceful. Had a good sleep and felt safe I knew Tangi was there with me.
This was where I got my massage. Awesome spot huh!!
This was one of the little gardens around the place. It's just so beautiful.
This was where I got my massage. Awesome spot huh!!
This was one of the little gardens around the place. It's just so beautiful.Saturday, January 24, 2009
Taking timeout
I decided that I should go and take some timeout.
So I'm feeling slightly better. Have come down to Hastings to spend time with my cousins and family. Have a 21st birthday to go to tonight. So at the moment, I'm just flighting here and there. I miss my children, but I know that this is vital for me to be sane. I have been thinking about lots of things and trying to make more realistic life changing decisions that were near impossible for me to work out while at home. It was literally boiling up to me nearly having a nervous breakdown. But this is the whole process of being able to avoid that happening. So I'm glad that I'm doing this now rather than waiting till it's too late.
I had some thoughts of leaving and never coming back. I'm not sure why, it's just something that was going thru my mind and I couldnt seem to shake it. Things have started to be on the lookup and I'm going mental. Literally. It's not like it's not what I want, because i'm ready for the new phase of my life. But that doesnt mean that I'm over the grieving process. I'm still going thru it. My family don't seem to understand fully how much I hurt everyday. Mostly because I don't let them see it. I wait till in private before I let myself go. I would rather keep things to myself, because no one really knows exactly what I'm going thru, or what I'm really thinking.
You know how, in a relationship, you just want that person you're talking to to listen, not to try and fix anything because thats not what you neeed. All you need is someone just to listen, but to listen without making faces at something they don't agree with, and someone who will listen to the same problem over and over again because thats how many times i want to say it. Thats exactly what my husband was, he was that perfect man for me who did do all those things. And trying to find someone else to help substitute him is very frustrating. Especially when no one else knows me that well. My family don't know me that well. They just know the person I show them. And anyone else, know even less about me.
I guess thats one of my defensive mechanisms. I hate being hurt all the time. I don't like the feeling of being alone. At the moment, I'm kind of living in a fantasy world with the whole Twilight buzz. I'm wanting to be swept off my feet by a gorgeous man who will look after me and my children. Who won't judge me for being sealed to my eternal companion. Who is open to suggestion and compromise. I know that thats not the average guy because those kind of guys take years to be perfect. hehehe. But then again, it's taken me years and years to be perfect too. ah well. thats the complications of reality.
So I'm feeling slightly better. Have come down to Hastings to spend time with my cousins and family. Have a 21st birthday to go to tonight. So at the moment, I'm just flighting here and there. I miss my children, but I know that this is vital for me to be sane. I have been thinking about lots of things and trying to make more realistic life changing decisions that were near impossible for me to work out while at home. It was literally boiling up to me nearly having a nervous breakdown. But this is the whole process of being able to avoid that happening. So I'm glad that I'm doing this now rather than waiting till it's too late.
I had some thoughts of leaving and never coming back. I'm not sure why, it's just something that was going thru my mind and I couldnt seem to shake it. Things have started to be on the lookup and I'm going mental. Literally. It's not like it's not what I want, because i'm ready for the new phase of my life. But that doesnt mean that I'm over the grieving process. I'm still going thru it. My family don't seem to understand fully how much I hurt everyday. Mostly because I don't let them see it. I wait till in private before I let myself go. I would rather keep things to myself, because no one really knows exactly what I'm going thru, or what I'm really thinking.
You know how, in a relationship, you just want that person you're talking to to listen, not to try and fix anything because thats not what you neeed. All you need is someone just to listen, but to listen without making faces at something they don't agree with, and someone who will listen to the same problem over and over again because thats how many times i want to say it. Thats exactly what my husband was, he was that perfect man for me who did do all those things. And trying to find someone else to help substitute him is very frustrating. Especially when no one else knows me that well. My family don't know me that well. They just know the person I show them. And anyone else, know even less about me.
I guess thats one of my defensive mechanisms. I hate being hurt all the time. I don't like the feeling of being alone. At the moment, I'm kind of living in a fantasy world with the whole Twilight buzz. I'm wanting to be swept off my feet by a gorgeous man who will look after me and my children. Who won't judge me for being sealed to my eternal companion. Who is open to suggestion and compromise. I know that thats not the average guy because those kind of guys take years to be perfect. hehehe. But then again, it's taken me years and years to be perfect too. ah well. thats the complications of reality.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I'm feeling like everything around me is closing in. All I want to do is just take off. The only thing stopping me, is my kids. I'm trying to come up with a plan so that I can go and have some timeout just for myself for longer than 2 hours. Because the few hours that I get by myself isnt really cutting it when it comes to me being able to cope. I know that my kids will be fine but I do feel guilty about leaving them. They always seem like they depend on me to be happy and look after them how a good mother is supposed to look after her children. But I just really feel that I need to have this break. I think that I've talked about this for awhile. Today, I had the urge to just go and was about to. thats how close I was to losing my mind. The kids have been away from me for a total of 1 night since Tangi passed away. And then also, because I've got a new calling, I feel like I can't go either because of that because they need me to get everything set up properly so that they can function better. But I definately need a break. My social worker came over to see how I was doing. It was pretty good timing on her part because I was torn about just ditching the kids and going. She said that it was very good idea to go and have time out. Something more like 2 weeks is a good enough break without the kids. I had originally said 1 week but I think that 1 1/2 weeks will be a better break for me instead. At least I will be able to think a whole lot clearly and I can at least get some more of my assignments done as well.
I got my first assignment back yesterday and I got an A. So I'm pretty stoked about that. My social worker suggested to take a friend with me, so that it is an adventure for me. And to try and do something that is totally different to what i do now, and that doesnt remind me of Tangi.
I told her about me wanting to just move away somewhere where I can just escape. I said I was thinking about america but the process is quite complicated. And that I would need to work, but in order to get that sorted, I need to go over by myself, without the kids to set everything up properly. I can't just go over with no plans and just wing it. It's too big of a country to just go with no proper plans and things in place. Especially for the kids. I could do it by myself, I would be fine. But my kids, are another story. She told me that this is my way of saying that I just want a different scene, and that I just want to run away from all my problems. I said to her that yeah that was part of it. Everything around me reminds me of Tangi. Even this room that we're staying in. This whole house, this whole town.
She said that I'm going thru the post blues again. Everything is sinking in with whats happened with Tangi. I feel like I'm complaining too much and that I don't deserve to feel like this. That I'm just being selfish. I guess tho, if I don't this, then I am selfish. I need this break so that I can come back being a great mum, just not a good mum. So I'm trying to think up of things to do that are cost effective and fun. So, we'll see what happens.
I got my first assignment back yesterday and I got an A. So I'm pretty stoked about that. My social worker suggested to take a friend with me, so that it is an adventure for me. And to try and do something that is totally different to what i do now, and that doesnt remind me of Tangi.
I told her about me wanting to just move away somewhere where I can just escape. I said I was thinking about america but the process is quite complicated. And that I would need to work, but in order to get that sorted, I need to go over by myself, without the kids to set everything up properly. I can't just go over with no plans and just wing it. It's too big of a country to just go with no proper plans and things in place. Especially for the kids. I could do it by myself, I would be fine. But my kids, are another story. She told me that this is my way of saying that I just want a different scene, and that I just want to run away from all my problems. I said to her that yeah that was part of it. Everything around me reminds me of Tangi. Even this room that we're staying in. This whole house, this whole town.
She said that I'm going thru the post blues again. Everything is sinking in with whats happened with Tangi. I feel like I'm complaining too much and that I don't deserve to feel like this. That I'm just being selfish. I guess tho, if I don't this, then I am selfish. I need this break so that I can come back being a great mum, just not a good mum. So I'm trying to think up of things to do that are cost effective and fun. So, we'll see what happens.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Motherinlaw in hospital
I just found out tonight that my mother in law has been in hospital since Wednesday. So I was pretty ticked about that. Kinda made me wonder if I would find out after the funeral was finished. But hopefully not. I'm probably just jumping to conclusions.
So I asked my dad to come up with me to go and visit her. I didnt want to go on my own because it was pretty hard just to go to their house, let alone the exact same wards that Tangi were in, and walking the same halls that I had done everyday for 10 months. It was hard. I was close to crying when I saw a nurse who had treated Tangi and she remembered who I was. She gave me a huge hug and asked how things were going. After that we walked to Api's room. Got in their and then a big huge smiling face popped in. It was Laurie. She was one of the nurses who treated Tangi and was always so bubbly. We both enjoyed her coming in. She always made me feel like there was nothing wrong with the way that I acted, and always reminded me and Tangi that we still had to keep the intimacy going. Give each other hugs. She would even take the kids out for a little while just so we could have alone time. She was really awesome. The other nurses were awesome too but we absolutely loved Laurie.
Sometimes I wonder if I even matter when it comes to Tangi's family. I know I do when I'm with them, but I barely get any texts or phonecalls or anything. I know that they're got no credit and stuff but, it feels like it's a one way thing when it comes to wanting to know how everyone is.
I downloaded some songs from Robert Pattinson, he's got a very peculiar way of singing but I like it. I guess when I love a movie so much and I hear the music being played in the background. I love the soundtrack even better. hehehe. There I go again. Twilight. Gosh, I wonder when the hype will die down. I've already started rereading the series. there are certain parts that I really love. I love all the exciting bits that have Edward in it. hahaha. Ok, I'm so a Edward fan, not so much the Jacob fan, but definately the Edward fan. He's so much more fascinating.
But it's funny tho, Edward is the dangerous, don't know what you're getting into choice, whereas Jacob is the safer option. I've always been attracted to the Edwards. The more mature guys who still have a dangerous side to them. Tangi wasnt dangerous but he definately gave me a run for my money. He took my breath away constantly just by looking at him. He would surprise me with the things that he'd say. He was my Edward.
So I asked my dad to come up with me to go and visit her. I didnt want to go on my own because it was pretty hard just to go to their house, let alone the exact same wards that Tangi were in, and walking the same halls that I had done everyday for 10 months. It was hard. I was close to crying when I saw a nurse who had treated Tangi and she remembered who I was. She gave me a huge hug and asked how things were going. After that we walked to Api's room. Got in their and then a big huge smiling face popped in. It was Laurie. She was one of the nurses who treated Tangi and was always so bubbly. We both enjoyed her coming in. She always made me feel like there was nothing wrong with the way that I acted, and always reminded me and Tangi that we still had to keep the intimacy going. Give each other hugs. She would even take the kids out for a little while just so we could have alone time. She was really awesome. The other nurses were awesome too but we absolutely loved Laurie.
Sometimes I wonder if I even matter when it comes to Tangi's family. I know I do when I'm with them, but I barely get any texts or phonecalls or anything. I know that they're got no credit and stuff but, it feels like it's a one way thing when it comes to wanting to know how everyone is.
I downloaded some songs from Robert Pattinson, he's got a very peculiar way of singing but I like it. I guess when I love a movie so much and I hear the music being played in the background. I love the soundtrack even better. hehehe. There I go again. Twilight. Gosh, I wonder when the hype will die down. I've already started rereading the series. there are certain parts that I really love. I love all the exciting bits that have Edward in it. hahaha. Ok, I'm so a Edward fan, not so much the Jacob fan, but definately the Edward fan. He's so much more fascinating.
But it's funny tho, Edward is the dangerous, don't know what you're getting into choice, whereas Jacob is the safer option. I've always been attracted to the Edwards. The more mature guys who still have a dangerous side to them. Tangi wasnt dangerous but he definately gave me a run for my money. He took my breath away constantly just by looking at him. He would surprise me with the things that he'd say. He was my Edward.
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