I've just been listening to Earth, Wind and Fire. Found the videos on Youtube from their 'Live By Request' DVD. Tangi really got into them when we were in Sydney. My brother and Kara went away to Perth on their last Christmas holiday, so me and Tangi went thru their DVDs to see if there was anything interesting to watch. Came across this one, and Tangi just couldnt stop watching it. He pretty much fell in love with them. His favourite song was 'Serpentine Fire' because he loved how it sounded and the beat and everything on the stereo. But he loved this version, not the original, because you can hear the band sound a lot clearer and it does sound a lot better than the original. More fuller I reckon. So I've put the videos on his bebo page. So anybody can go and watch them.

I've been feeling quite busy lately. With my Young Womens calling, the kids, my motherinlaw and my study. Hasnt really left much time for me to think much. But have had some awesome breaks this week as well tho. It's been good. Went to my sisterinlaws sister wedding yesterday. It was raining thruout the day, but cleared up half an hour before the wedding started. And stayed clear for the rest of the day. so it ended up being ok anyways. And the reception was good, wouldve picked a better venue, but it ended up being great for what they needed to do. The food was yum and was full as. It was a good wedding to be at. And had no kids all day. yaaahhheeee. hehehe. so yeah, I had a bit more fun not having to run after them at all. Everyone knew who I was, but didnt really find any friends. I'm still too shy.

Havent cried for about a day. That's pretty good I think. There's always something that gets me going again. At the wedding yesterday, the song she walked into was one of mine and tangi's songs. I wouldve cried, except I was wearing eye liner, and didnt want it to run. but yeah.

I miss Tangi heaps. I'm slowly getting used to the fact that he's not coming back. I just hate the idea that i'm a solo mum, which i never thought i would have to go thru ever. And that Tangi wont be back to look after me again. Well not physically anyways. It's dumb to think that even tho this wasnt part of my lifes plan, i was dealt this card. Me and Tangi wondered who this test was for. If it was for him, was it for me, was it for our friends and family. is it for our kids??? I know that I'm going to teach them as best as I can, but I can't guarantee that they wont play up without their father around. It's hard to predict the future, because we dont know whats in store.

One thing I'm definately and most grateful about, is that Leukemia is not hereditary. So, unless of some freak coincidence, my kids shouldnt have to experience what their father went thru. i'm really grateful about that part. The children are really growing up fast. Dupri is running around even faster than ever, jumping off higher things, and speaking a lot more freely. He's even running off when i take him to Daycare, he doesnt mind just taking off and playing instead of freaking out that i'm leaving. Pearl, has a lot more hair, won't be long before i can tie it up in a ponytail, and she'll look more like a girl, she already loves makeup and jewellery and is talking a whole lot more too. She even has an attitude, just like every girl has. hahaha. So the kids are doing very well. They miss their dad, everytime they see his photo, they know exactly who he is. I wish I got more videos of him, so that they could what kind of person he was. Just for some visualisation, rather than just me telling them.

Now, I don't know if this is a really random thought or not but I thought I'd just put it on anyways. It just seems that there are a lot of deaths lately. And not just adults. In the last 2 years, I know of 6 children, from people I know, who've passed away as well. So what if, part of the gathering of the saints, is to make them crossover so that they can't be tainted here. What if, the meaning of taking them off the earth is literally them dying. I don't know?? It was pretty random but its been on my mind the last week or so. Only because I know of a few really really good people who have just died out of nowhere, or gotten sick from a disease that has no trigger or reason. But obviously the gathering of saints, isnt limited to here on earth. Anyways, thats a thought.

Things are a little bit calmer now. There's just soo much to think about. So I guess the easiest thing is just to list them all out and then it won't sound so dramatic.

Ok, first thing, My family over in Australia are ok I've heard. The fire is moving away from them thankfully but they're still not out of danger yet. Not until the rain comes or the weather starts cooling down. January and February are usually the most hottest months of the year. Dec is not too bad but never anything compared to the other two months. Especially in Australia where temperatures soar around 35+ for a few weeks at a time. Therefore causing massive electrical storms often, usually comes directly after a massively hot day. It's quite fascinating to watch actually, one time, We saw a storm where there was no rain at all yet, it was thundering and lightening. There was even a massive cloud, just rolling and rolling in the sky. It was scary to watch because it kinda reminded me of those alien movies where the clouds go dark and lightening coming thru them and then the spaceship appears thru the clouds. Yeah, more like Independence Day. haha. So yeah, My brother and his family are safe for now. Thank goodness.

Second thing, is that my motherinlaw is still in the hospital. The Dr's havent said anything about what they're going to do. She's basically been in hospital since yesterday and they've said nothing so far. It's quite frustrating actually. Especially when they don't have a time limit on their life. But yes I do realise that they have a lot of work to do considering how much of a workload they have to do and the majority of their work is problem solving. My motherinlaw has a massive hole in her lungs, which was caused by the drain they put in last time she went into hospital to drain the fluid from her lungs. And now, she's finding it even harder to breathe and it hurts when she coughs or moves suddenly. I suggested that she put a claim thru with ACC filing for 'Medical Misadventure' becuase it was the surgeon/Dr fault that she now has a hole in her lungs. So at the moment, jsut trying to go and spend time with her. It has been quite nice just to visit, it feels different for some reason. In some ways, I can feel Tangi there looking out for her. Took her a watermelon and some grapes today. The watermelon is $3.00 each and they are ripe and juicy as. Yummm!!!!!

Third thing, Even tho I've had comments that I look good, I still feel quite tired and stressed. I've been trying to get more sleep but it doesnt usually happen for me unless i'm absolutely exhausted. Which is nearly alll the time. And when I finally get into bed, I can't sleep anyway. And then by about 2 or 3am I'm starting ot feel exhausted enough to go to sleep. And of course, makes me feel even more tired thruout the day because my kids wake me up at 8am now. which still isnt enough rest but ah well, better than nothing i reckon.

So I think thats the 'Have heaps of things on my mind" thing. hahaha. See, I told you that when I write it out it just sounds stupid. But having it in your head at one time gets quite overwhelming. I've got a meeting tonight, then another one on Friday for YW. And a meeting tomorrow for personal things. And a wedding on Saturday. And I still have to make sure that i have time for my motherinlaw too as well as get everything else done and sorted. Funny how, if I was to get paid for this, it'll be a good job. hahaha. Oh well.

Anyway, I'm trying to make sure that I'm OK. doing the best I can at the moment. A lot of things to keep me busy and not think about my selfpity.

Stress and hectic.

Well yesterday was a special day. Me and the kids went to Hiran's baptism and birthday. It was a real nice experience, especially for my kids to see. Was able to tell Dupri a little bit about what baptism is. So that was special.

I also got a phonecall from one of Tangi's family saying that their mum isnt doing too good. So have been up at the hospital most of the day, came back to put the kids to bed and hopefully wait for someone to come and look after the kids for me. While I go back up there and make sure the Dr's and that are doing the right thing for her. And relay the info back to her family. So, here's hoping. She will be going home for good, and it's literally going to be anytime now. Api had a few times where she felt like she was slipping away. But she's holding on with everything she has. Sometimes you wonder why, when you're so close to death that you still try to hold on. Wouldnt it be more wonderful on the other side. I know that for me, i would be constantly worried about my kids. Because right now, they do need me. But when the time comes, would i be trying to hold on as much as Api is, or would I accept it and move on like Tangi. I hope that I'll make the right decision either way.

Well I need to get off here and start getting things ready because it looks like we'll be in Tok for a week or two.

Would you believe at all that if Heavenly Father said ' Who wants to come home early to help with the work here?' Do you reckon that many people wouldve said yes. Do you think that all those kids who died with cot death were the ones who said yes. What about those who died in car crashes or even cancer??
In some ways, I could believe that that's what Tangi wouldve agreed to. That he wouldve said yes, before he came here. Well, it's something thats nice to think about. It would anser a few questions, especially about why he was taken from me. Not that I owned him or anything, but dying as an old wrinkly smelly person sounded a lot better than dying earlier. Actually, I told Tangi one time, that I want to die young, cause then at least I'll still look semi good. hahaha. But, who knows. No one ever knows when their time is up.
I've been observing my motherinlaw. She doesnt have long to go, but you can't really tell how long she actually has because she has some pretty good days, and then some pretty bad days. But you can't really tell. She's been told by her specialist that they're going to start her on chemo again, but she's going to say no to them, because she can't handle it anymore. She actually thinks that the chemo killed Tangi. I honestly don't know what to think. I think a lot of things killed him, but I won't absolutely say it was the chemo. Because, we always knew that there wasnt actually any cure for Leukemia. It's just something that helps to keep it at bay, by trying to give them a chance. But it's definately a nice thought, that those who have died while they're young, that they offered to do it for something greater.

I'm actually freaking out a little bit because my brother and his family live in Victoria. And they live pretty much in a forest area. And there are forest fires over there at the moment. Last time we spoke to them, was that the fire is about 20ks away but they need to get their houses ready in case it comes closer. They constantly have to watch out for embers so that they don't start any extra fires. So, theyre cleaning out the gutters to put water in them and if the fire gets closer then they'll start spraying the house to help save it. Man, its so scary thinking that they've got to do this just to survive. They've had 40+ heat for the last few weeks so everything is absolutely flammable as. There's already been some fatalities and I'm just hoping that it doesnt happen to them. They've got masks and everything that they need. Filling up their car, if they need to run for it. that's just soooo scary. But they said that they'll ring if it gets closer to them. It sounds like the locals are helping them out a bit because this'll be their first forest fire and they know that they'll be freaking out a lot.

i love listening to the Twilight soundtrack. Mostly because it's quite relaxing at times. The kids love it too. Dupri sings along to it and Pearl just dances at the first note being played. hahaha. she has a shoulder thing going on which is cute as. Ah well better go

Do you know what you want in life?????

I know that everyone will say, you want to be happy, you want to be financially independant, you want a house, you want a family, you want to be successful. But is that really what you want??

I constantly keep asking myself this question all the time. Because sometimes, trying to answer this question really puts a strain on the brain. Over the last couple months, it's opened my eyes as to what's really out there in the world to experience. I really want to experience the world and it's many different facets of life. I've been wanting to see how different jobs shape each person. Who actually does want they love?? Thats what I want my life to be from now on, is to do something that I love. And at the moment, just trying to make sure that my kids are ok and that I can support us while doing what I love. So that work doesnt feel like work. That it feels like a happy working holiday. But i guess, thats just something that I need to find out for myself. At the moment, I'm still liking the idea of doing promotional work in tourism. So, I'm going to have to step my game up after I've finished my Travel Consultancy Course. Or even now, If I can get any sort of tourism job at the moment, will make my CV just look awesome. I've even thought about acting, but I think it's a bit too late for me to get into that, especially when I'm a bit fat. hahaha. Well, I've contacted my fitness instructor again to finally get my workout schedule finalised so that I lose the weight really fast and can keep it off. And I do Body Balance classes to keep my muscles elongated and toned. hahaha. It's worth it i reckon. When you feel good, you look good. And feeling good for me is having excercise and eating well. Helps my vision be a lot clearer anyways. I still have the heavy feeling over the top of my head and over my eyes. Somedays its a bit clearer, but it still feels quite heavy. Like as if i'm constantly tired, which i am, but my body needs to be awake and moving. hmm, i think its just weird how a person can feel like this.

I've been trying to save as much as i can, which is totally useless some weeks. but i'm still trying to do it. So i've saved a little bit anyways, a little bit is better than nothing. just so that by April, I can get the stones for the headstone and have it started with the carving. The design should be finished by then and finalised so that my dad and bro can just get into carving it from April onwards.

I've decided that I just want the immediate family for the unveiling. And even tho thats what I want, I'm guessing that it will turn into a huge thing again. Mostly because all the family that wnat to show their support and be there. It's not that I don't want everyone to be there, but its more that I want it more intimate and special. It kinda doesnt become special with hordes of people there that you barely know anyways. I kinda already told a couple cousins in hastings about how i was feeling, they did look a little hurt but i think they understood. But I was really overwhelmed with the funeral, and all the crap that went on with that. And even tho I tried to include everyone in the whole thing, A whole lot still complained that it wasnt good enough. And i feel that it might end up being the same with Tangi's unveiling. That that wont be good enough for everyone else as well. That it will turn into another big deal and that they think they will have a say or something. i don't know. as you can tell, i'm still a little bit sour about what happend at the funeral. but slowly getting over it. I guess i just don't want to experience it again. And if it does end up being a medium sized unveiling, I want it to be a happy time, not something where I'm constantly wanting to strangle everyone there. I want to be happy, I want to feel happy, I want my kids to feel happy too. I guess it just takes a lot of self discipline to not let things get you down, to try to make a good thing out of a bad situation. Well, thats exactly what Tangi did. He was pretty good with trying to find the good things in everything and everyone.

Kids

Kids are funny!!!

My kids are so cute and funny, my daughter is trying to talk a couple words at a time, but she has her own language too. And Dupri is toilet training. He's doing pretty good actually. A couple times, I have overheard them arguing with each other about what a drink is called. Pearl calls a drink 'dubidoo' and dupri knows its a 'drink'. So pearl is yelling at him saying 'dubidoo' and dupri yelling back ' no its drink'. hahaha. Its a pretty funny thing to see.

The argue with me quite a lot. Its pretty annoying how much they can disobey you before you lose it with them.

I think I'm on top of the nits situation. I've been dousiing all our hair every 2 days just to kill off any of the newly hatched eggs and stuff. My hair is wayyy too thick to comb thru, dupri's tangles up way too much to actually do a good job. Pearl's hair is the only one out of us three that can actually get rid of every single egg and nit. Gross huh. So literally, me and dupri will have to cut most of it out or something. Well, thats why most of my childhood I had short hair. Because I was always catching nits. It was soo annoying. But ah well.

there were at least 3 cockroaches in our room yesterday and last night. 2 on my pillow, but one got away cause I felt it on my arm and i swished it away and felt it fall by my leg, so i kicked it away and then ran to turn the light on. And there was one right next to the light switch. but the one i kicked had disappeared. So now i'm just freaking out when my skin tingles. i think it's just tingling cause it knows i'm scared of cockroaches.

hahaha, well this blog was just full of gross stuff. hahaha. lucky you wont ever read what me and tangi used to talk about hahahahaha.

not sure

I'm not too sure on what to say about what it felt like before I left here.

Someone asked me ' What did it feel like? and would I recognise the feeling again?? For me, I guess when I try to explain something or some way that I'm feeling. it kinda comes out and sounds stupid. But it feels a whole lot more than stupid. Ok I will try to explain the feeling that made me decide to take some 'ME' time.

Have you ever felt like you couldnt breathe, and then the room starts spinning and just doesnt stop. And then your vision just goes blurry from endless tears. Your chest is crushing from the heavy sobbing and your head is throbbing from the endless sleepless nights and constant worrying and contemplating. There is a never ending weight over your eyes and the front of your head. Nothing seems to shake it. I guess thats more or less what I was feeling. Some people could call it a 'mental breakdown', or a 'panic attack'. But I wouldnt know what to call it. It's not like this is unusual for me. I'm constantly feeling like this, but I guess enough was enough for me and I needed to try to get my mind out of it. It's a hell of a lot harder than you realise to convince your mind that it's ok to let it go.

I got a chance to talk to a few different people while on my holiday. Each of them have their own way of interpretating my situation. they're not all wrong, but they're not all right either. Because its their interpretation. I guess, if I were to have a mental breakdown, I would be literally not coping at all. I would be lifeless, not doing anything to help me or my kids, not speaking to anyone, pretty much not wanting to live. I would class that as a mental breakdown. A panic attack, usually only lasts in short bursts before it dies down and it's more of a physical response to stress than mental but it still relates to each other. I definately feel like my world is closing in on me, and I'm trying my best to keep it at bay, at least until I have finally fiigured out exactly what I want to do. I know for one thing, that I will pursue a career now. I don't really have much of a choice in the aspect of getting a job, but a career is different. I want to do something where I get to travel the worlds destinations and be able to promote the destinations. And I want to be able to do it once I'm qualified to do it.

I also thought about the whole marriage thing again, about if I will marry again. I decided that if the opportunity comes again, then yeah I will do it. Obviously explaining beforehand to the man who wants me, what I'm offering and thats only till death do us part. But I won't look around for it. Not anytime soon anyways. I must admit, that while I was in Hastings, I did want to meet up with someone. Only because I've been feeling quite lonely for awhile and thats the only reason. I had a few opportunities to do it but decided not to do anything. So I'm pretty proud of myself with that aspect of how things went. All I could think about was that, I have a lot more on the line at the moment than just the mere few moments with someone.

Do you ever wonder about if your loved ones are really watching over you. My sisinlaw and a friend were talking to me about a book. It's called 'The Message'. I've never read it but they were just telling me about it. the guy who wrote it isnt an author at all but just felt that he needed to write this book so he did. It's a real life experience where this guy goes into a coma for a few weeks and while he's in this coma, he experiences the other life and sees what its like there. And his grandfather takes him to see his family, his grandfather walks up to this guys dad, who was int he middle of a meeting or something. Whispered in his ear that he will be late for his plane if he doesnt finish up now. And the dad just had a face like he remembered something and finished up the meeting saying that he has a plane to catch. One of the messages that came out of this book was that our family who have passed on, havent forgotten about us. They still are around us, and the Holy Ghost, is quite literally our family helping us out. Giving us that guidance that we need. Being that little conscience in our head or that thing that just pops into our minds. whats it called , an epiphany. hahaha. I actually thought that was quite interesting. Especially when my friend who rang me last wednesday, while i was at the cemetary, about ot leave and coaxing me to go over to her place for dinner and to hang out. I could honestly feel Tangi there whispering for me to just accept the invitation and go. I felt him there with me while she was asking me over the phone. I was really trying to hard to come up with excuses not to go, but just felt warm and safe with going over to this friends place. The whole time, just how she was asking ' was like as if it was Tangi's voice coming thru asking me to go. It was definately a spiritual experience for me. I've never felt Tangi so close to me since he passed away.

There's never been a day that I don't think about my husband. Even while he was sick, all I could think about was how he was, if we would get thru it, if he will survive, what will we do when he comes home, how will the kids be, will we have more children. There were just too many things to think about. I always thought about everything. and then when I got to the hospital, a million more questions came into my head. What do the dr's think is going on, how fast will this chemo treatment cure him, will it cure him, wil the cancer come back, why couldnt this have happened to someoen else. I really miss my husband.

One thing I was thinking about, is that I've been a few places with my children. And I've felt the stares and heard the whispers. Even with family around, I still feel it. Sometimes I just think that, man, they're lucky that I'm even here. That I'm not balled up in my room crying everyday and refusing to get up. That I'm at least trying to get out there, to continue with my life and try to carry on. Even if it is by myself, I'm sweet as with trying my best to make my kids happy. I've had to learn the hard way to accept peoples help. Especially when it comes to my kids. I actually despise letting anyone have my kids because it makes me feel like i'm a bad mother, for not able to take care of them all by myself. That i should be stronger but arent.

I loved my babe, he was my best friend. I always felt safe with him, I could always depend on him to make me feel better, to let me know that everything will be ok. He was my rock in my life. He would always tell me that he loved me everyday, he would always walkin and kiss me everyday. My cousin was telling that when we went ot pick her up in hastings a couple days before our wedding. That she was dry wretching at us, hahahaha. She couldnt stand that Tangi would run around to open my door for me, and that we were always holding hands, and that he would always look at me like he loved me. I just cracked up and said, 'hey, thats the guy he was, he wasnt shy to show me and anyone else how he felt about me' 'He was my Edward cullen' hehehe. The perfect gentlemen!!!!!