The annoying dramas of the funeral

Have you ever thought that one day you will marry someone other than your better half???? If you're with someone at the moment, I don't think you can. At the funeral, I had someone say to me that I had to think about the future and that I'm going to move on and Tangi will be by himself so I should let him go to Tokoroa and I forget him now.
Man, just that there what that person said, I was soo angry at this comment, because who would think about moving on at a time like that. You would think that a funeral would bring people together to enjoy each others company and to give support to the partner left behind. Now just letting you know first, Yeah I still really bitter about what happened, actually I'm still feeling pretty angry but I'm slowly getting over it. I guess I just want whoever does read this, to not feel like they're alone if and when this happens to them.

Me and Tangi talked about everything, and one of the things we talked about was his funeral. The main thing that we had talked about is where we both wanted to be buried. Now as you know, I'm from Hastings and Tangi is from Tokoroa. I'm maori and Tangi is Cook Island. Just that in itself was a huge clash. Me and Tangi had spoken about if we had everything in Hastings because there's the family marae and everythiing would be taken care of, except thats not Tangi's hometown. And then Tokoroa had all the facilities there to cater for a huge funeral as well and it was Tangi's hometown. The only problem is that I didnt want to go to Tokoroa. So we decided that since we met in Hamilton and we got married in Hamilton and that he got treated for cancer in Hamilton, why not stay here in Hamiton. It was neutral grounds for both families and we would be happy to have the services and everything here in Hamilton. So thats what we had decided.
Now when it came to telling Tangi's mum. I left him to do it. I don't know the exact conversation but I do know that she was very upset. And that they both ended up arguing about it because she wanted him to go to Tokoroa.
When Tangi told me what had happened, I was really upset that his mum acted how she did yet I was not suprised. I had already seen the impact that his parents especially his mother played on our marriage. It got to the point for me that I didnt want anything to do with her. Tangi would listen to a lot of things to do with her.
There was a rumour that went around that Tangi had passed away. It had started from a friend who came in to see him at the hospital (but because there was another Tangi Tarai from Tokoroa who passed away) they mistook him for the wrong person. So it went around Tokoroa that he passed away and they had automatically arranged everything to be done down there. When I heard about what had happened, I was pretty angry. I was angry at the friend for jumping to conclusions, I was angry at the receptionist who had told the friend, I was angry at Tangi's mum, I was angry at the Tokoroa people, I was angry at the Cook Island community. I told Tangi about how I was feeling and that not one person, not even his sisters, had picked up the phone to see if it was true for one, and hadn't even asked me, what I wanted to do. Not one person.
Because to be quite honest, I always felt that I was pretty insignificant in Tangi's life when it came to his family and friends. That no one really acknowledged me as the person that he devoted his life to and the woman that he married. so I was pretty upset. I was appreciative of the effort that went into everything, but not of the fat that no one spoke to me about it. So at least that was only a preview of what was to come.
We had a meeting the morning that Tangi passed away. Me and Tangi were talking to our family who had come to express our views and concerns of what was to come in regards to Tangi's health and supplies that we needed. Tangi's Dad spoke up and said that he wanted Tangi to go down to Tokoroa, even just for one night. Automatically I was thinking 'heyill no', but I thought about it. So after the meeting finished, it was just me and Tangi in the room, and we talked about how the meeting went, and what we would do with his Dad's comment. I told Tangi that I didnt have a good feeling about him going down to Tokoroa because I felt very strongly that he wouldnt come back to me. And that if he went down there, only those from Tokoroa would be able to pay respects and no one else. So I said to him that i thought that EVERYTHING should stay in Hamilton. Tangi agreed that that was the best idea. Unfortunately Tangi passed away before he was able to tell his family what we had discussed with each other.
Tangi passed away later that night and his family came into the room, after his mum finished her initial grieving, the first she asked was when would he be going down to Tokoroa. I had to tell her that he's not going at all. He is to stay here in Hamilton. She was upset so I told her about our conversation right before he went to sleep. And she seemed ok about it but still upset. Tangi's sister's looked ok with the decision and so did his father. My family were already setting everything up for the funeral and it was going ahead here in Hamilton. What suprised me was that I had a feeling that they thought it was all about my family. they never said anything but that was the feeling i got. An Uncle rang up, now this is the Uncle that Tangi really looked up to. He was the Uncle that Tangi made sure that I met him, He was the Uncle that brought Tangi and his family into the church, this was the Uncle that tangi called his 2nd dad. so I had a lot of respect for this man because of how Tangi felt about him. When he was talking on the phone to Tangi's mum, he was insisting that Tangi go to Tokoroa. She explained to him that no he is staying here. But he kept insisting that the facilities were already there and that is his home.
Now something that I hadnt spoken to anyone about is that, Tangi always felt safe and at home with me. So wherever I was, that was his home. And he felt comfortable in the home that I had made for our family. There were a few requests that Tangi made that he wanted of his Uncle. But his Uncle couldnt meet most of those requests. I started losing respect for this Uncle. He had explained that because he lived all the way up north, that he couldnt come empty handed and needed to go diving to get some kaimoana. When I look at it in hindsight, I see what he was saying, but at the time, I was furious that he would deny his nephews request.
The next day was a whole nother drama. A couple people came to pay their respects, 2 men came in who were representing the Cook Island Community. Now when they came in, they went over and kissed Tangi's mum and her friend first, and then after she pointed to me saying that I was his wife, they came over and acknowledged my mother but not me. Man I was reaching boiling point. And then to top it off, they were only speaking Island so I didnt understand anything that they were saying. So by that time, I was nearly about to throw them out of mine and Tangi's home. My Dad did the whole welcoming thing and they went back to speaking Island. How disrespectfal, to come into my home and not even acknowledge me for one and then to not even acknowledge my father. Then I saw the CI women point to me talking to this guy. And so he started mumbling to me, and i couldnt understand what he was saying because it was a very quiet mumble. Yet when he was talking CI, it was very loud and clear. It had to take someone else, my sister in law, who is CI to explain to me what was going on and this was after they had all left. I lost a hell of a lot of respect for the CI community and culture. I was very disappointed that because I was only a maori that I didnt deserve any acknowledgment regardless of my marriage to Tangi. Later that night, we had a meeting to discuss the particulars about what and where exactly everything would be. I wanted Tangi to stay where he was that everyone will just have to sit outside and listen in instead of being transported from place to place. It was a lot of unnecessary travel and stress. Tangi's mum spoke up and said that the Uncle from up North had already said that if nothing is organised to his standard that they would take Tangi whether I like it or not. What a nerve, really !!!!! To threaten me with that. And then one of my brothers spoke up about the sleeping arrangements, that he wasn't happy with them. And then I had a cousin sitting next to me complaining about where they're going to sleep. How do you react to that. I literally wanted to go into the bathroom and slice my wrists so that I could be with Tangi instead of putting up with all this crap. Having to put up with everyone else demands and no thought into how this would affect me, HIS WIFE. I had said that everybody was welcome to come and pay respects, that they could sing and talk and mingle with him, but it had to be in Hamilton. But obviously that was just waayyyy too much to ask of anybody.
The next day, the threats were still there, they were still being said, and so was the complaining of the marae that was organised for those who needed a place to stay. At one point, my cousin came and told me that she was going to take me to the Marae so that I could have a look at it. I hadnt been to see nor did I care. Because I had put all my trust into my Brother Roman and my Dad to make sure everything was organised that I didnt have to oversee everything, so that I could just stay and be with Tangi. Tangi's parents were trying their best to get Tangi's side to understand why Tangi was staying here in Hamilton. And in the end, they managed to convince them and no one actually came to take Tangi away from me.
Those people who were total eggs apologised for how they acted and reacted except for one person. I'm still trying to get over it and this has been really therapeutic but I still feel a bit angry about it. I have lost respect for a couple people during that time. One thing I know is that Tangi will want me to just move on from those things and not to dwell on it for too long. I hope that it does happen soon because I still feel the hurt that I felt when all those things were being said.

One thing I do definately want to say, Is thank you to those who did stay and support me, and not because they felt sorry for me, but because they were there for me ever since we found out about Tangi's Cancer. They have helped me to keep going and have and are still trying to keep me sane. I'm sure that it's not very easy being in their shoes but I'm grateful for everything that they've done. All the help that was given during the funeral was amazing and we wouldnt have been able to pull it off without your help.