hmm

I signed up with this book club called Doubleday. Man, I just love buying books for some reason. Just being able to look at the different things I can make and who to share them with, reading about different facts, or even just stuff that isnt even real. I'm a bit of a nerd, or so Tangi called me. He was the geek and I was the nerd. hahahaha. There were a lot of times when he wasnt sure of a meaning of a word or how certain things or procedures worked. Every time he started a new job, he got me to read thru his contract to make sure that it was ok. Mostly because he couldnt be bothered thru it himself and he knew that I would read thru it just cause I wanted to know the details. hahaha. Tangi knew me inside out. He knew exactly what I would say or think about anythiing and everything. Sometimes before I even knew I would.

This has taken me at least 3 hours to write because all I seem to be doing is telling the kids, 'stop touching that' 'shut up' 'be quiet'. And it's driving me nuts. Usually I will just laugh about what they're doing and saying but just lately, all I can hear is Pearl doing tantrums and Dupri teaching her how to do the things that he's getting in trouble for. I've even been going out and trying to keep myself busy but these two just keep fighting with each other too. i've made them pull each others ears for not listening and they both ended up crying. But hoping that they end up listening, and even as i'm writing this I've growled them 4 times. Ridiculous aye. Just the frustrations of not being able to get Tangi to deal with it and having him take over for a bit so I can have a break from their fighting and crying. I always wish he was here. Even when I reminesce on how we were and everything, people are trying to get me to make goals about where my life is headed, what i want for the kids. It's hard to think about that. We had goals and dreams until he got sick. Then all of a sudden, we couldnt plan for anything, our lives were put on hold just waiting and hoping that he would get better and things would go back to normal. We were even being asked what we wanted to do, like did we want to move, am i going to go to work. If you could ask yourself, what would u do in my shoes. You wouldnt be able to honestly say that you would know what to do. Because everything changes when it does happen to you. You just freeze and all of a sudden you can't think straight, you can't deal with anything. All you want is for someone to be there to tell you that everything will be alright and that things will be ok. It was the exact opposite when Tangi was diagnosed. Things were ok at first where our ward had jumped in and pretty much organised everything for us eg food and babysitting. They were absolutely awesome. I dont' know what we wouldve done if they werent there for us at that time. Later on, both the mothers came over to help out. Me and Tangi had been going through so much stuff, mostly with selfish family. I just just given birth to our daughter pearl and everything was falling apart. I had one mum saying that I backstab and need to stop doing it and another mum telling me i was useless mum and wife. I had other people telling me what I should be doing. I had a couple friends who were trying to be there for me as much as they could, and a sisterinlaw who was doing the best she could too. But it still was sooo overwhelming that I was going up to the hospital everyday crying to my husband about how everyone was treating me and how it was making me feel. That there was no way that i would ever make them feel so low when they were at their lowest. We ended up sending our kids back to New Zealand while me and Tangi stayed in Sydney so that he could finish his treatments. It wasnt till a month later that the Dr it was ok for us to travel in between treatments so that we could come back to NZ to be with our kids. We were both relieved. Yet I was still being hassled for not doing enough and I'm not doing what I'm doing. Someone even went to my husband to tell him what he thought about what I was doing. and that I need to be doing more and that I'm making everyone else do everything for me and that i'm too spoilt and always get my way. Tangi sat there and listened and was getting really confused because I had already told him what was going on. When I went in later that night to see him, he told me what this person had been saying about me and boy I just let Tangi have it. I was blaming him for his sickness and for dragging us all with him. I was blaming him for letting this person and his family and my family talk to him about how useless they thought I was. I kept on blaming for everything that was happening. How selfish was I tho, to blame my husband who was already blaming himself for something that neither of us could control. How selfish of all these other people to start putting blame on me and making me feel worthless at such a crucial time. But I can say, that this has made me stronger and more willing to stand up for myself. I hated going thru such a hard trial where EVERYTHING was falling apart. But I just say, No matter how many times you and your partner talk about how you would handle things if this happened to you, no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you would do things differently, You will never know until it does happen to you. So who are we to judge on what everyone else is going thru.