Finally went down to Tokoroa

Okay, it was pretty hard for me to go down there. But I went. They came back and picked me up to go down there.

We got there and I was really tired so decided to go to bed straight away. Got up the next day and ended up going into town to try and find some sunglasses, but to no avail. Tried to find some tshirts for Pearl but there werent any. So just went and bought some fruit. At least I didnt go back empty handed. It was quite boring, so had to do stuff to make it a bit more constructive. Like trying to come up with things to make it more exciting for the kids. In the end, the kids made their own fun. It was Tangi's Parents, and both his sisters. We had a meeting to talk about whats going to happen with the funeral arrangements and stuff. Who's doing what and stuff. I warned them that if it's anything like Tangi's funeral, then to expect everyone to try and walk all over them once she's gone. Hope it doesnt happen, but anything that has to do with me, they will come and have a go at me. Only because I'm married into the family and for them, it'll be their time to say whatever they want to say about me to my face. Api has asked that she wants me included in the organising of her funeral arrangements and everything else up to it and even after. She wants me to be included in all of it. She actually wants to be buried next to Tangi. But her husband said no, she will go here in Tokoroa. So she said ok. I told her that it doesnt matter where you get buried, becuase you don't linger around the cemetary. You're actually doing stuff to help prepare for the millenium. And that Tangi will be there to come and get her when the time comes. She will be able to see him still. So she felt a bit better with that and agreed with her husband that she'll stay in Tokoroa. One thing that will have to happen, is to get her to put it on video saying whats going to happen with certain things, so that if anybody contests it, then we can just play it to them and that will hopefully shut them up and just try to support the family.

I was thinking about what were all the good things that came out of the funeral of Tangi's. And it saddens me to say that I can't really recall much of it. I was sooo angry. I was angry at the reactions of people, I was angry at the attitude of people as well, I was angry at comments made by people. I was even angry at the fact that yeah at different times there were different people coming to see if I was ok, which was kool and really good and stuff. But I just felt that there wasnt someone there for me, the entire time, just one person to stay with me the entire time. There were a lot of times where I was alone, I had to go out and get my own food, I had to go and get my own clothes. Just reading this, it looks stupid that I'm complaining about this, but it really did matter. Especially when you don't want to leave your husbands side, you jsut want to stay there. But I guess I expected too much and that was my downfall, that I expected too much of anyone to do that for me. I did have everyone there for me which I really appreciate and everything. But I now know that what I really needed, was someone to be with me the entire time. To go and help me to get ready for the day, to make sure that I ate and that I got some rest. But yeah, thats enoug gripeing for one day I think.

So yeah, while down in Tokoroa, Api made it known to us that we are responsible for what happens to her and that she does want me included in everything. She's even asked for me to help dress her but that I will ultimately be the one to deal with the female religious side of things. So hopefully the extended family will understand and be supportive.