Taking timeout

I decided that I should go and take some timeout.

So I'm feeling slightly better. Have come down to Hastings to spend time with my cousins and family. Have a 21st birthday to go to tonight. So at the moment, I'm just flighting here and there. I miss my children, but I know that this is vital for me to be sane. I have been thinking about lots of things and trying to make more realistic life changing decisions that were near impossible for me to work out while at home. It was literally boiling up to me nearly having a nervous breakdown. But this is the whole process of being able to avoid that happening. So I'm glad that I'm doing this now rather than waiting till it's too late.

I had some thoughts of leaving and never coming back. I'm not sure why, it's just something that was going thru my mind and I couldnt seem to shake it. Things have started to be on the lookup and I'm going mental. Literally. It's not like it's not what I want, because i'm ready for the new phase of my life. But that doesnt mean that I'm over the grieving process. I'm still going thru it. My family don't seem to understand fully how much I hurt everyday. Mostly because I don't let them see it. I wait till in private before I let myself go. I would rather keep things to myself, because no one really knows exactly what I'm going thru, or what I'm really thinking.

You know how, in a relationship, you just want that person you're talking to to listen, not to try and fix anything because thats not what you neeed. All you need is someone just to listen, but to listen without making faces at something they don't agree with, and someone who will listen to the same problem over and over again because thats how many times i want to say it. Thats exactly what my husband was, he was that perfect man for me who did do all those things. And trying to find someone else to help substitute him is very frustrating. Especially when no one else knows me that well. My family don't know me that well. They just know the person I show them. And anyone else, know even less about me.

I guess thats one of my defensive mechanisms. I hate being hurt all the time. I don't like the feeling of being alone. At the moment, I'm kind of living in a fantasy world with the whole Twilight buzz. I'm wanting to be swept off my feet by a gorgeous man who will look after me and my children. Who won't judge me for being sealed to my eternal companion. Who is open to suggestion and compromise. I know that thats not the average guy because those kind of guys take years to be perfect. hehehe. But then again, it's taken me years and years to be perfect too. ah well. thats the complications of reality.