Hyperventilating AGAIN!!!!!

Why is it that everytime I think about all the things that Tangi left me to deal with that I just want to curl up and end things.!!! Just when I feel really good about something, or enjoying life, a black mood just overcomes me and I can't breathe properly, I can't even keep a straight face without wanting to cry. But I can't stop thinking about him. I've been reading the Twilight books again and crying over the fact that Tangi was just as perfect as the main character. He was just as understanding, if not more, he was just as patient, he was just as compassionate, he loved me just as much as the Edward did with Bella and vice versa. So why is it that I was left behind to deal with crap. And what's worse, I can't help but feel really scared to even step foot in his hometown. I've felt really rotten about my inlaws. Only because I've been making a huge effort to try to keep in contact and I haven't heard a word from them. I don't know if they have made any effort to see if we're alright, but I've constantly felt like it's been a one way thing. I'm actually thinking about giving up on them and moving on instead of worrying about them.
I don't know what Tangi would've done. whether or not he would keep trying or not. There are somethings that really tick me off. Well with the amount of moaning I do, it must come across that a hell of a lot of things tick me off. Which is true I guess.
But to find that one person who knows everything about you, who knows what your favourite things are, who knows what you dislike the most, who knows how to press your buttons, who knows your darkest fears, who knows your crazy ambitions, who knows what kind of walk you have, who knows what colour your eyes are, who knows what mood you are in once they see you, who knows how to cheer you up, who knows when you need space, who knows what to say to you to get their way, who knows how much you love them. How can you keep on living life when that one person is taken from you. For whatver reason it was that they were taken, how can i live with the fact that the one person who knew me the best, i have to live without them from now on.
I cry watching the kids see their dad in our home videos and that's the only memory they have of him, being sick in the hospital. When we have been up to the hospital, they yell out for daddy thinking that they're going up to visit him. Even 9 months down the track, they still do it. And when I tell them that Daddy is no longer there, they yell out for their nanny api. I cry thinking of all the Daddy talks that could've happened but won't. I cry thinking about how I'm never going to feel his arms around again, I'm not going to hear him whispering to me, I'm not going to him laugh at my craziness, i'm not going to see him play with his kids and run them around trying to catch the seagulls. And what pisses me off more than anything, is people thinking that they know how i feel. that some people think that they have more of a right than i do.

Nobody will ever know exactly how I feel and what I put up with everyday. It's crazy but I've put up with a lot of hurtful and crazy stuff. Maybe nothing physical but a lot of emotional stuff. whether if anyone else went through what I did and what i still am dealing with, I wonder how long they would last. How long would I last in someone elses shoes.
I tried to explain to one my mates, that what might seem like a big thing to me, may not be for me but that doesn't mean that it's not worth feeling something about. That you still have a right to feel hurt.

but today hasn't been that great of a day as you can probably see. But who cares right!!!

Actually thats wrong, there are a lot of people who care. I know that for a fact. But sometimes feeling lonelier than I should is maybe something that helps me to not supress my feelings. Who knows. I sure am trying to understand myself all the time.