Ranting and Raving yet again.....

Man, I moan a whole lot but this thing helps to me just vent and get it out. Otherwise I spend hours in my room talking to myself about how much I want to strangle someone or whatever it is that I'm upset about.

Right now, what I'm upset about is I'm predicting how the unvieling will play out. I'm predicting that if I continue to let these unvielings go ahead as a combined thing that when it comes to the hakari, that we will once again be outsiders, when I'm the person who allowed it all to happen. So I'm predicting that these dumb Tokoroa CI's are going to get up on the mic and start saying how much they loved my mother in law and my husband, not say anything about how they're thankful that i let them have the opportunity to be there and they will say it all in CI so me and my family can't understand any of it. I am predicting that this is going to be a total CI function and that's it.

Now, I had to figure out exactly what I was angry about. Was I angry at the Cook Island culture in general or the Tokoroa community. And i figured out that I am totally accepting of the Cook Island culture, I've got no qualms with it at all. I'm pissed at the Tokoroa community because I have not met any other CI's who are selfish like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who are such aggresive backstabbers like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who openly shun everyone else who isn't CI other than the Tokoroa community. Now, I have family who are half CI, and they don't act like that, I have another family who my brother is marrying and they're not like that. I also have friends who are CI who are from Hastings who weren't like that. So why is it, that Tokoroa being in their own little bubble get off saying that all this negativity is a part of their culture. That's how they do things, that's a part of who they are as a culture. bull crap!!! It's just an excuse for them to blame everything on their culture and not taking responsibility for what bullshizzers they really are.

It's nearly been a year since the funeral and I still see red everytime I think about how that community treated me and my family. And it wasn't just a couple of them, it was the entire community. One of the leaders of their community even came into my own home and disrespected me. Didn't even say hi to me for one, didn't acknowledge me as Tangi's wife, even though he was stepping into mine and Tangi's home and didn't even talk english so that i could understand what they were saying. And this was one of their community leaders, on behalf of the entire community. Yeah what a great way to represent an entire community. And what's worse is that the majority of the people who were there at the funeral, were there for me ie my family who ALL turned up, mine and Tangi's close friends and they weren't Cook Island. We were mostly maori, so it didn't make any sense to me that they had made themselves think that this funeral was all about them. That this was just a Cook Island function and no one else was allowed to be involved.
And for some strange reason I just have a feeling that this is what it's going to be like for theunveiling. I would rather not invite anyone other than the people who actually do care about us. At least it would make it a proper event where it's happy and I'm not nearly wanting to kill somebody. Even just before Tangi died, I told him that I had a really bad feeling that something was brewing with his funeral. And sure enough, had the threats coming in with taking Tangi's body away from me and also the dumb islanders talking island in front of me and my family saying really nasty stuff. and i only know this because some of the islanders there are actually friends of our family and they were really upset by it.

But anyways, I'm trying to focus on making this a memorable and happy farewell to my hubby, so just trying to breath normally without hyperventalating at the stress I'm putting myself under just thinking about it.

Which comes to my other thing, I've been trying to get in contact with the inlaws in Tokoroa to see if they've done anything with their mums headstone, because I don't know exactly what to organise if I don't know what they're doing. And because I need everything to finish early so that I can make it back to my rehearsal for the musical. But anyways, I'm still ringing everyday to see if I might actually get through or not. But I'm going down to Hastings next weekend, so I might stop in on my way down or back or something to see what they're doing.

Ok, thats my rant for the day. See how the rest of the day goes.