So, I've moved into this new place right above coyotes in town. It's a pretty primo location and everything but you have to get used to the music from downstairs on from Thurs to Sat. It's not too bad really, after about an hour you're sweet as to be able to sleep no worries.
And have been slowing down on going out too, which is suprising since I moved right into town and now don't really want to go out all the time. I think as well because I don't have much cash anymore so I'm on a really tight budget. My finances were already strapped but now its even more tighter. Can barely afford to buy any food every week. So I've been applying for jobs to try and get out of this rut that I'm in anyways. Had a few letdowns which really brought my spirits down a lot, but still applied for a couple more.
But I tell ya, writing freaking cover letters to suit the job I'm applying for totally sucks cause it takes so freaking long. You wonder why people on the dole (like myself) don't go to the effort to get a job. It's exhausting. But I'm getting bored at home without the kids being here. And I always keep thinking back to how independent I used to be and I miss it. I always want to know that I have enough income to cover all my expenses and then some to enjoy for a bit.
Goals at the moment: Number one thing is to get a job and go from there.
Getting my kids back is turning into more of a long term thing, I miss them so much but I do need to make sure I've got everything set up again for them to come back and everything run smoothly. I know that I'm going to struggle again with looking after them on my own, just need to breaks every now and then to just relax.
I looked after a mates daughter last weekend, and I found it was exhausting trying to entertain her the entire day and because she has a short attention span, having to change things all the time to keep her occupied, geez, that was a huge kick up my arse when i realised i had forgotten what it's like to look after kids that age. She was awesome to have around and love her asking questions like all kids do but it did make me miss my kids so much more. I want them home and i'm trying to do everything i can to get them back faster.
It's my daughter Pearls birthday in two weeks. Have to make sure I send over her present asap so she gets it in time. I would love to be able to see her face when she opens it up and celebrates her bday. I miss them so much. Kan't wait for them to come back in Christmas for the holidays and just grab them and hold them in my arms for as long as they'll let me. But anyways, I think this is enough for today.
Kiaora
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Latest Update
So its been a hell of a long as time since I've blogged. Since the last one, I've moved back home to mum and dads place out the back right next to the garage. The kids have moved over to Zappa and Karas place in Australia and they're loving it there. But I've spoken to them lately and they're asking to come home. My poor babies. Dupri is now 4 years old and Pearl is still 2. Turns 3 in September. Freaking awesome that they're growing up so fast. There's so much i want to do with them but finding it hard to even get myself into gear to be a better mother. I've gotten in touch with Fusion dance Company again and going to go and have a look at one of their practices. I know it'll take me awhile to get back into it properly becuase I'm so out of shape but hey, it's still a good start. And its a hobby, something other than just drinking every week. I will be doing soemthing i love to do which is dancing. But other than that, things are going ok I guess.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Moved house
I have now moved house and am now living in Enderly, Hamilton. It's a really awesome place and the neighbours aren't that bad. But now hopefully now I can get more of a break from my kids than before. i have asked to have more breaks because I am startin to get unhinged from barely any breaks and constantly hving my kids around. i love my kids to pieces and love them around. But tangi was my outlet and he worked really well. And my show has finished now and so now i'm trying to find something else to keep me busy. am now seeing a grief and loss counsellor. had a pretty rough couple of weeks and went a bit mental. so needed to get some help. so yeah, thats about it at the moment.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
An immature 20 something
Ok, now I realise that some people just don't grow up and I also realise that some people can be nasty. But oh my gosh, I have had a pretty catty saturday night.
Now what's happened is that there is a girl who I perform with who really likes my dance partner. My dance partner is a pretty average looking guy but I wouldn't look at him twice in the street. And I was getting ready to go out on the town in the changing rooms at the theatre and she comes up to me and says 'Are you dressing up to impress 'this guy' ' And I turned around and said to her 'Why would I want to impress 'this guy' if i have other guys around the place.' And she said to me 'Oh, do you have guys? Who are these guys Harmony?' I looked at her and turned around and walked out.
Now that was pretty catty. Apparently tho not many people like her at all because she is catty. She says it in a nice way but when you go over it in your head, it's really nasty.
And also today, I helped Amber clean her gross flatmates lounge/kitchen out. It was so disgusting. The fridge/freezer had mould all through it and everything. I was dry retching because it was so disgusting. But Amber went and bought a vacuum cleaner from Forlongs and we bumped into her mum. She was about to walk straight past me ignoring me, but I went right up to her and said 'Hi' and gave her a kiss on the cheek. And then she walked off. It felt so awkward but I said to Amber, I need to be nice to her because eventually, she's going to have to accept that I'm Amber's friend. But then again, she doesnt' have to either. I'm just not going ot be rude to her.
Well, overall I'm having quite a bit of fun and can't wait for the end of the year. I'm trying to get my butt into gear to finish Tangi's headstone so that it can get erected. I feel that I had my time with my husband and it felt really fulfilling. I was able to just relax and unwind next to him. And now I feel that I can accept his entire extended family to be a part of the actual unveiling. So, will see what happens. But if it's not ready on time, then I won't rush it. Becuase I want it looking perfect before it goes up
Now what's happened is that there is a girl who I perform with who really likes my dance partner. My dance partner is a pretty average looking guy but I wouldn't look at him twice in the street. And I was getting ready to go out on the town in the changing rooms at the theatre and she comes up to me and says 'Are you dressing up to impress 'this guy' ' And I turned around and said to her 'Why would I want to impress 'this guy' if i have other guys around the place.' And she said to me 'Oh, do you have guys? Who are these guys Harmony?' I looked at her and turned around and walked out.
Now that was pretty catty. Apparently tho not many people like her at all because she is catty. She says it in a nice way but when you go over it in your head, it's really nasty.
And also today, I helped Amber clean her gross flatmates lounge/kitchen out. It was so disgusting. The fridge/freezer had mould all through it and everything. I was dry retching because it was so disgusting. But Amber went and bought a vacuum cleaner from Forlongs and we bumped into her mum. She was about to walk straight past me ignoring me, but I went right up to her and said 'Hi' and gave her a kiss on the cheek. And then she walked off. It felt so awkward but I said to Amber, I need to be nice to her because eventually, she's going to have to accept that I'm Amber's friend. But then again, she doesnt' have to either. I'm just not going ot be rude to her.
Well, overall I'm having quite a bit of fun and can't wait for the end of the year. I'm trying to get my butt into gear to finish Tangi's headstone so that it can get erected. I feel that I had my time with my husband and it felt really fulfilling. I was able to just relax and unwind next to him. And now I feel that I can accept his entire extended family to be a part of the actual unveiling. So, will see what happens. But if it's not ready on time, then I won't rush it. Becuase I want it looking perfect before it goes up
Saturday, September 26, 2009
MMM
Do you ever feel like your chest is crushing.
It's been feeling a little bit weird lately. My mood swings have been pretty massive. So when I'm having a really low day, which consists of constant snapping and just sitting there sulking and then the littlest thing that I usually would just brush off just sends me over the edge. I had that feeling yesterday. And to try to pull myself out of it, I took a caffiene pill to perk me up. And because I needed to get my head in a space ready to perform.
As for the musical, the shows have been going pretty good. I've recognised some people in the audience, if they're in the front then I can see them pretty clearly. But only once did it throw me completely off. Luckily my dance partner had a good hold of me and kept me up. Geez. But on the other hand I am having a blast. But the dramas and gossip going on backstage makes me feel like I'm back at high school. With the adults acting like teenagers. And it's only one or two of them. Whereas the actual immature people are 17. So yeah. It's definately an experience. But I have an inkling that I am loved. hahahaha.
Anyways, I better start getting ready because I have 2 shows to do today so it's going to be a very long day.
It's been feeling a little bit weird lately. My mood swings have been pretty massive. So when I'm having a really low day, which consists of constant snapping and just sitting there sulking and then the littlest thing that I usually would just brush off just sends me over the edge. I had that feeling yesterday. And to try to pull myself out of it, I took a caffiene pill to perk me up. And because I needed to get my head in a space ready to perform.
As for the musical, the shows have been going pretty good. I've recognised some people in the audience, if they're in the front then I can see them pretty clearly. But only once did it throw me completely off. Luckily my dance partner had a good hold of me and kept me up. Geez. But on the other hand I am having a blast. But the dramas and gossip going on backstage makes me feel like I'm back at high school. With the adults acting like teenagers. And it's only one or two of them. Whereas the actual immature people are 17. So yeah. It's definately an experience. But I have an inkling that I am loved. hahahaha.
Anyways, I better start getting ready because I have 2 shows to do today so it's going to be a very long day.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Need to get into the game faster
I have calculated that I have lost 15kgs so far since Christmas. And I still have another 15kgs to lose. Now I know that my fat stomach and bits here and there need a definate toning and should be as easy as just cutting it right off. But hey, along with the weightloss is the browning up as well that needs to be done. One summer, I did sun capsules so that when I did go to the beach, I was already brown and also so that my skin wouldn't sizzle. It would've been already used to the sun so I would get a little red but not lobster red. Which usually happens when you go to the beach for a whole day and forget to keep reappling the sun lotion. hahahaha.
Anyways, Opening night for the musical was awesome as. I had so much fun. We got a standing ovation and overheard guests praising the show and our performance. So it was really good.
I have just printed out 2 sets of photocopies of certificates and stuff to send to the the other 2 superannuation places to see if I can claim back on them. So hopefully it works. But now I need to follow up on the first one I sent stuff to to see if they recieved the documents because i havent' recieved any word yet. So hopefully i can get some cash soon and get this headstone finished.
I'm seriously contemplating making a joint unveiling. Mostly because I have had my private day with Tangi. And now I don't mind sharing the day. So, I think that it's going to make his side of the family very happy if i do include them both. And my bro Zappa and Kara will be able to be there for it as well. So yeah. The only dumb thing about the date is that it's exactly at the same time as the auditions for Miss Saigon. So, I'm hoping I can get a time that will be in the morning or mid morning sometime just to get it out of the way.
Life is ok but htings are a bit hard but trying to work through them as best as I can.
Anyways, Opening night for the musical was awesome as. I had so much fun. We got a standing ovation and overheard guests praising the show and our performance. So it was really good.
I have just printed out 2 sets of photocopies of certificates and stuff to send to the the other 2 superannuation places to see if I can claim back on them. So hopefully it works. But now I need to follow up on the first one I sent stuff to to see if they recieved the documents because i havent' recieved any word yet. So hopefully i can get some cash soon and get this headstone finished.
I'm seriously contemplating making a joint unveiling. Mostly because I have had my private day with Tangi. And now I don't mind sharing the day. So, I think that it's going to make his side of the family very happy if i do include them both. And my bro Zappa and Kara will be able to be there for it as well. So yeah. The only dumb thing about the date is that it's exactly at the same time as the auditions for Miss Saigon. So, I'm hoping I can get a time that will be in the morning or mid morning sometime just to get it out of the way.
Life is ok but htings are a bit hard but trying to work through them as best as I can.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Having no internet sucks
Well now that I have officially disconnected my phone and internet, I feel like I'm cut off from the world. LOL!!!!!!
That's overexageration hard out. But oh well. I can be a drama queen if I really want to.
But this was just to check base to let you know that I am still alive and kicking. Ain't nothing happened yet that I can't handle. And I can handle a hell of a lot I've discovered. Just after having a HUGE VENT and then a whoooosaaaaahhhhh then I'm all good. hahahahha.
That's overexageration hard out. But oh well. I can be a drama queen if I really want to.
But this was just to check base to let you know that I am still alive and kicking. Ain't nothing happened yet that I can't handle. And I can handle a hell of a lot I've discovered. Just after having a HUGE VENT and then a whoooosaaaaahhhhh then I'm all good. hahahahha.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Unveiling Postponed
Ok, so now I've postponed the unveiling, some of the stress has kind of come off. But the financial side of things are still looking the same. Am just trying to suss out as many ways to save money but still being realistic. But hey, that's an every day struggle.
Pearl has started daycare and absolutely loves it. It's good but now I feel at a loss when they're both gone. And they're growing up way too fast now. But it's good.
Dupri needs a haircut, it's looking too ugly now. Just a big boff on the top of his head. But he's a good big brother to his little sister.. Looks after her really well.
Luckily I have disconnected my phone and internet especially now that my car is due for another WOF and rego which includes, 2 new tyres and a headlight plus fix the back brake light. I'm due for another car but that's a luxury for the rich and famous.
Well i better go now anyways.
Pearl has started daycare and absolutely loves it. It's good but now I feel at a loss when they're both gone. And they're growing up way too fast now. But it's good.
Dupri needs a haircut, it's looking too ugly now. Just a big boff on the top of his head. But he's a good big brother to his little sister.. Looks after her really well.
Luckily I have disconnected my phone and internet especially now that my car is due for another WOF and rego which includes, 2 new tyres and a headlight plus fix the back brake light. I'm due for another car but that's a luxury for the rich and famous.
Well i better go now anyways.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Breakthrough
Yahhh!!!!!
Ok since my whine in my last post I have now got a solution. I went to someone's place last night to have a look at signage. And they said that I could actually use it to put onto the stone as well so long as it's smooth enough for the signage to stick to it. So my dad was hard out trying to get the plaster as smooth as he possibly could all tonight since he got home. The headstone finish is looking pretty good the more my dad works on it. So tomorrow, I'm going to make sure that I get these stupid super papers certified and then post them off. And then get the permit paid for and handed in so the process can start on time. So hopefully that takes a bit of strain off of everything especially my insane moans. But yeah,my dad is sweet as with what I think and is just waiting for the plaster to dry so that we can see what it looks like.
Ok since my whine in my last post I have now got a solution. I went to someone's place last night to have a look at signage. And they said that I could actually use it to put onto the stone as well so long as it's smooth enough for the signage to stick to it. So my dad was hard out trying to get the plaster as smooth as he possibly could all tonight since he got home. The headstone finish is looking pretty good the more my dad works on it. So tomorrow, I'm going to make sure that I get these stupid super papers certified and then post them off. And then get the permit paid for and handed in so the process can start on time. So hopefully that takes a bit of strain off of everything especially my insane moans. But yeah,my dad is sweet as with what I think and is just waiting for the plaster to dry so that we can see what it looks like.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Coming up a bit too fast
Now I'm starting to get people asking me what's happening with the unveiling so they can make their plans to come to it. I don't mind too much but I don't even know what's happening. It's not because i don't want it to happen, it's just that I've been finding it real hard to even do anything about it. It's like as if everything is just final. Like that's it. And I don't want that feeling but I can't shake it and it's just getting harder and harder every single day.
I haven't even done the permit to be able to install the headstone yet, I've got to wait for my dad to finish the headstone so that we can take it in to the engravers to get it done and then I have to wait for my brother to put a tamoko on the back of it. All the while, I have no money to get any of it done. And even tho I've had people ask me if I need anything, I can't bring myself to ask them for money especially with so much stuff happening at the moment. It just feels like it's getting a bit suffocating. I don't even have an ounce of courage to get these forms off to the superannuation companies that Tangi was with. Because once again, it's erasing him bit by bit. But it's like, I put on this brave face hoping that no one knows whats really going on and I must be doing a really great job because other than my dad, no one has come to say what they can do to help. It's still put back on me, which sounds lazy when i read back on it, but it's not that I'm lazy because i could get it all done in one day if i really wanted to. But it's just physically and emotionally hard for me to deal with any of it. And then on top of that, I've got my show which starts in a couple weeks so I've been trying to focus on being a convincing performer.
i had a talk with one of my mates the other day and i told him what i've been getting up to. It's not a lot of good stuff but I just told him that it numbs this feeling of feeling useless and worthless. It helps me to forget about whats happening and makes me happy for a little while. And he just listened. I told him about my need to help everyone el se around me and he jsut said, 'maybe you need to help yourself. stop focusing on how everyone else is coping with their things, focus on yourself and make yourself better first.' For me, I just told him that hey, i'm fine. i'm working through things alright. everyone else seems to think so. they don't think i'm grieving anymore and that i have some special superpower where i can push all of my feelings behind me. It's not true. But sometimes it feels like that when I'm trying to raise my two kids plus do my calling, plus do my show, plus try to organise my husbands unveiling, plus sort out my finances to try to help out my brother as much as i can, plus try to look at our own place to move into next year. It's not all that bad though. I am having fun. I can feel myself slipping tho.
I haven't even done the permit to be able to install the headstone yet, I've got to wait for my dad to finish the headstone so that we can take it in to the engravers to get it done and then I have to wait for my brother to put a tamoko on the back of it. All the while, I have no money to get any of it done. And even tho I've had people ask me if I need anything, I can't bring myself to ask them for money especially with so much stuff happening at the moment. It just feels like it's getting a bit suffocating. I don't even have an ounce of courage to get these forms off to the superannuation companies that Tangi was with. Because once again, it's erasing him bit by bit. But it's like, I put on this brave face hoping that no one knows whats really going on and I must be doing a really great job because other than my dad, no one has come to say what they can do to help. It's still put back on me, which sounds lazy when i read back on it, but it's not that I'm lazy because i could get it all done in one day if i really wanted to. But it's just physically and emotionally hard for me to deal with any of it. And then on top of that, I've got my show which starts in a couple weeks so I've been trying to focus on being a convincing performer.
i had a talk with one of my mates the other day and i told him what i've been getting up to. It's not a lot of good stuff but I just told him that it numbs this feeling of feeling useless and worthless. It helps me to forget about whats happening and makes me happy for a little while. And he just listened. I told him about my need to help everyone el se around me and he jsut said, 'maybe you need to help yourself. stop focusing on how everyone else is coping with their things, focus on yourself and make yourself better first.' For me, I just told him that hey, i'm fine. i'm working through things alright. everyone else seems to think so. they don't think i'm grieving anymore and that i have some special superpower where i can push all of my feelings behind me. It's not true. But sometimes it feels like that when I'm trying to raise my two kids plus do my calling, plus do my show, plus try to organise my husbands unveiling, plus sort out my finances to try to help out my brother as much as i can, plus try to look at our own place to move into next year. It's not all that bad though. I am having fun. I can feel myself slipping tho.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Stay away from all men
Now that's something to think about. hahaha
Well, I was told this by my mum. It just sounded funny coming from her. But hey, it is good advice.
Well, I was told this by my mum. It just sounded funny coming from her. But hey, it is good advice.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Jumping on the band wagon
hahaha
So I thought, man all these kats have got massive backgrounds and I couldn't find them. So I thought, what the hell I'll just go get one where everyone else is. So I decided on a grungey butterfly theme. Pretty kool colours and textures I think. lol.
The time is 10am and my children are already asking for chocolate icecream. Man, what little junk eaters. hahaha. It's only cause they saw that there was some icecream in the freezer and I bought them some icecream cones so they think they can have it whenever they want. Just as kids do.
Don't you hate it when you've just cleaned up and then they come along and just make a huge mess and make it look like you didn't clean up in the first place. Geez. I can't wait till they're a little older so the place can stay clean for at least a whole day or two.
hmmm
So I thought, man all these kats have got massive backgrounds and I couldn't find them. So I thought, what the hell I'll just go get one where everyone else is. So I decided on a grungey butterfly theme. Pretty kool colours and textures I think. lol.
The time is 10am and my children are already asking for chocolate icecream. Man, what little junk eaters. hahaha. It's only cause they saw that there was some icecream in the freezer and I bought them some icecream cones so they think they can have it whenever they want. Just as kids do.
Don't you hate it when you've just cleaned up and then they come along and just make a huge mess and make it look like you didn't clean up in the first place. Geez. I can't wait till they're a little older so the place can stay clean for at least a whole day or two.
hmmm
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Saying goodnight to my kiddies
Saying goodnight to my kiddies consists of a hug, then a kiss, then wiggling our noses together, then giving each other butterfly kisses then another kiss and another hug then a string of 'goodnight mummy, goodnight my darling, i love you mummy, i love you my darling.' and then again with Pearl but instead of calling her darling, i call her my beautiful. And she repeats it as peu-fu-fuill. She's so gorgeous and so is dupri.
Now Im into the hard out rehearsals now where we sit and watch the entire show go through now. But because there are 2 casts of children we adults have to do it twice as much. Which I don't mind so much because it is quite fun to be there with everyone and just mingle. But i just have to make sure that i take my music with me so that i've got something to occupy me whilst rehearsals are on.
Today in Relief Society, I only went to about 15 minutes of it but one thing that stuck in my mind is that there are some parents who think that their child can do no wrong. that they would never go wayward, that there is no way they would ever do those things at all. And that as parents we need to just be there for them, because an angry reaction to what's being done may be the make or break of what that child ends up doing. Now I'm 25 and I feel the pressures of trying to live my life accordingly and that if I choose to do something that I want to do, I will be looked at as a failure to my parents and family. It's not that I don't want to go to church or anything like that, i really enjoy it, but I also enjoy everything else too. So I'm coming up with a delima. What is it that I have to do to be able to enjoy both worlds. Is it possible to do? How long before many people find out and I'm back to where I was before, a gossip subject. How long before everything in my life crumbles for good.
I have a friend, we've had our really rough times and have found each other to be friends once again. She's going through a hell of a time with her family, she also was seriously sick and just having a lot of personal issues, and she's choosing to do things on her own for awhile. But she's got friends who are really worried for her and care about what happens to her. they even come over and see how she is. I had to tell her that she is soo lucky that she has friends who do actually care about her, and that I never had that. The only person who really made an effort to make sure I was ok was Tangi. And it was an ongoing effort from him too. So much so that I reciprocated that effort and we became really good friends.
But it's definately made me think that maybe I wasn't really liked at all. Or maybe I'm an obsessive person. Well actually no i don't think i am but just with the past experiences of my friend history, I've seemed to have quite shallow friends. I'm already used to thinking and feeling that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Tangi was bestest friend and husband to me.
so far since Tangi has died, I have only met 2 single people who don't mind if my kids come and hang out with us. No one else has done that at all. other than my family. I love hanging out with my family. they're pretty kool. But i guess, there's always something that's different about friends and family.
One thing I can't wait to do, is go on at least one dinner with my sisterinlaw. I've been hanging out for it for ages. hahahaha. and if you're reading this yeah u know who u are. But this time, it's going to a cheap dinner and stuff. hahahaha. No $80 later crap again.
I've been to the Dr anyway, and he said that I should go back on anti depression pills just to see if it'll work. I haven't taken any yet but I should.
Who knows what I'm supposed to be doing. It feels a little weird at the moment.
Anyways, I have to take my daughter back into the Dr's to get the last injection for her immunisations. They didn't have one particular vaccine and were waiting for it to be sent in. So she'll be annoyed at me for putting her through that again.
Now Im into the hard out rehearsals now where we sit and watch the entire show go through now. But because there are 2 casts of children we adults have to do it twice as much. Which I don't mind so much because it is quite fun to be there with everyone and just mingle. But i just have to make sure that i take my music with me so that i've got something to occupy me whilst rehearsals are on.
Today in Relief Society, I only went to about 15 minutes of it but one thing that stuck in my mind is that there are some parents who think that their child can do no wrong. that they would never go wayward, that there is no way they would ever do those things at all. And that as parents we need to just be there for them, because an angry reaction to what's being done may be the make or break of what that child ends up doing. Now I'm 25 and I feel the pressures of trying to live my life accordingly and that if I choose to do something that I want to do, I will be looked at as a failure to my parents and family. It's not that I don't want to go to church or anything like that, i really enjoy it, but I also enjoy everything else too. So I'm coming up with a delima. What is it that I have to do to be able to enjoy both worlds. Is it possible to do? How long before many people find out and I'm back to where I was before, a gossip subject. How long before everything in my life crumbles for good.
I have a friend, we've had our really rough times and have found each other to be friends once again. She's going through a hell of a time with her family, she also was seriously sick and just having a lot of personal issues, and she's choosing to do things on her own for awhile. But she's got friends who are really worried for her and care about what happens to her. they even come over and see how she is. I had to tell her that she is soo lucky that she has friends who do actually care about her, and that I never had that. The only person who really made an effort to make sure I was ok was Tangi. And it was an ongoing effort from him too. So much so that I reciprocated that effort and we became really good friends.
But it's definately made me think that maybe I wasn't really liked at all. Or maybe I'm an obsessive person. Well actually no i don't think i am but just with the past experiences of my friend history, I've seemed to have quite shallow friends. I'm already used to thinking and feeling that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Tangi was bestest friend and husband to me.
so far since Tangi has died, I have only met 2 single people who don't mind if my kids come and hang out with us. No one else has done that at all. other than my family. I love hanging out with my family. they're pretty kool. But i guess, there's always something that's different about friends and family.
One thing I can't wait to do, is go on at least one dinner with my sisterinlaw. I've been hanging out for it for ages. hahahaha. and if you're reading this yeah u know who u are. But this time, it's going to a cheap dinner and stuff. hahahaha. No $80 later crap again.
I've been to the Dr anyway, and he said that I should go back on anti depression pills just to see if it'll work. I haven't taken any yet but I should.
Who knows what I'm supposed to be doing. It feels a little weird at the moment.
Anyways, I have to take my daughter back into the Dr's to get the last injection for her immunisations. They didn't have one particular vaccine and were waiting for it to be sent in. So she'll be annoyed at me for putting her through that again.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Waiting
Well I'm just waiting till it's time to go and pick up Dupri from daycare. He enjoys it a whole lot. I think he's ready to move onto something more structured now that has singing time and actual class time with the kids. He will be really good at it. And I got a phonecall last week saying that Pearl can start daycare once she turns 2. Which i'm stoked as for. She will be doing the same days and hours as Dupri which is a good start. It'll be good for her to interact with the other kids. And give her a break from only hanging out with her brother. But anyways, they're both doing really well.
Apparently Pearl is doing extremely well because she can say whole sentences together. But I think that's just because she's a girl and has quicker brain responses to boys. Whereas Dupri is picking up things a lot faster at the moment too. Actually they're both really clever.
OK, I still don't have much money for the unveiling. I'm just trying to keep things balanced and going I guess. I have been procrastinating getting everything done. Mostly because I really don't want it to happen. But I can't change the date anyway because I don't have any time and there's no special day coming up anytime soon anyways. And I wanted it on our wedding anniversary. This would've been our 4th year wedding anniversary. I really miss Tangi. He was such a wonderful man and I just really miss him. I being looked after by him. He was so kind and attentive and treated me really well.
I've started doing excercise classes/boxing/kickboxing classes with my sisinlaws sister. She's doing classes from out of her garage which is decked out with the weights, punching bags, kick bag, pads, etc. Today will be my 2nd class that I've gone to. But I'm enjoying it already anyways. I try to keep pushing myself because I want to be a size 12 by the time it's my brothers wedding. And pretty much the only that says I'm a size 16 is my fat stomach. Yeah ok, I have lost quite a bit of weight since Christmas but still, I need to lose even more for this fat thing to turn into a skinny toned and tanned thing. But there is something about losing weight that gives you more confidence and makes you feel better about yourself.
Well, even tho Tangi thought that I was beautiful even when I was fat, I didn't feel that good about myself. But he was really kool.
Rehearsals for Sound of Music is going pretty good. We're up to blocking now, which is the acting side of things. Just putting the musical together now. So there's lots of sitting around and watching and waiting all the time. Which I don't mind at all. So I just have to keep remembering to take my MP3 player to listen to sounds while I'm waiting. We can't really talk in between because the other actors are doing their parts. so something that doesn't require much noise is always a good thing i guess for waiting. But I'm enjoying it heaps anyways. Getting to know eveyrone pretty good. Can't wait for the show to start. But I don't know how much the tickets cost. I haven't even looked up on the website for it but will have to do that when I get back. It's now time for me to go and pick up Dupri from daycare. Or as he calls it 'skool'.
Cya
Apparently Pearl is doing extremely well because she can say whole sentences together. But I think that's just because she's a girl and has quicker brain responses to boys. Whereas Dupri is picking up things a lot faster at the moment too. Actually they're both really clever.
OK, I still don't have much money for the unveiling. I'm just trying to keep things balanced and going I guess. I have been procrastinating getting everything done. Mostly because I really don't want it to happen. But I can't change the date anyway because I don't have any time and there's no special day coming up anytime soon anyways. And I wanted it on our wedding anniversary. This would've been our 4th year wedding anniversary. I really miss Tangi. He was such a wonderful man and I just really miss him. I being looked after by him. He was so kind and attentive and treated me really well.
I've started doing excercise classes/boxing/kickboxing classes with my sisinlaws sister. She's doing classes from out of her garage which is decked out with the weights, punching bags, kick bag, pads, etc. Today will be my 2nd class that I've gone to. But I'm enjoying it already anyways. I try to keep pushing myself because I want to be a size 12 by the time it's my brothers wedding. And pretty much the only that says I'm a size 16 is my fat stomach. Yeah ok, I have lost quite a bit of weight since Christmas but still, I need to lose even more for this fat thing to turn into a skinny toned and tanned thing. But there is something about losing weight that gives you more confidence and makes you feel better about yourself.
Well, even tho Tangi thought that I was beautiful even when I was fat, I didn't feel that good about myself. But he was really kool.
Rehearsals for Sound of Music is going pretty good. We're up to blocking now, which is the acting side of things. Just putting the musical together now. So there's lots of sitting around and watching and waiting all the time. Which I don't mind at all. So I just have to keep remembering to take my MP3 player to listen to sounds while I'm waiting. We can't really talk in between because the other actors are doing their parts. so something that doesn't require much noise is always a good thing i guess for waiting. But I'm enjoying it heaps anyways. Getting to know eveyrone pretty good. Can't wait for the show to start. But I don't know how much the tickets cost. I haven't even looked up on the website for it but will have to do that when I get back. It's now time for me to go and pick up Dupri from daycare. Or as he calls it 'skool'.
Cya
Monday, August 10, 2009
Slipping
What I feel right now is just numbness.
The closer to the unvieling it is, the more unsteady I feel, the more I think about him the more it's hurting. I don't know why it's getting harder. I guess in some ways I've learnt to bottle everything in or to only let as little out as I possibly can just to make me be able to handle things. I quite literally feel like i'm falling apart. I'm not feeling as decisive about my actions as I should be. All the stuff that I did before is looking more and more appealing. so much so that I've even started making plans to go away for awhile. What is there here for me.
I miss my husband so much that it hurts to know that this unveiling is going to be the final thing. I know that we're sealed but it still hurts knowing that I can't hug him. But I need to make some decisions or I feel I'm going to lose it.
I don't want to complete the headstone because it brings it that much closer. It makes me feel like crying everytime I see it, and it doesnt have any lettering or anyting other than the colour on it.
I'm hurting. And I don't know how to make it better.
I just want to curl up and just stay in my little hole and not come out. That's what I want.
The closer to the unvieling it is, the more unsteady I feel, the more I think about him the more it's hurting. I don't know why it's getting harder. I guess in some ways I've learnt to bottle everything in or to only let as little out as I possibly can just to make me be able to handle things. I quite literally feel like i'm falling apart. I'm not feeling as decisive about my actions as I should be. All the stuff that I did before is looking more and more appealing. so much so that I've even started making plans to go away for awhile. What is there here for me.
I miss my husband so much that it hurts to know that this unveiling is going to be the final thing. I know that we're sealed but it still hurts knowing that I can't hug him. But I need to make some decisions or I feel I'm going to lose it.
I don't want to complete the headstone because it brings it that much closer. It makes me feel like crying everytime I see it, and it doesnt have any lettering or anyting other than the colour on it.
I'm hurting. And I don't know how to make it better.
I just want to curl up and just stay in my little hole and not come out. That's what I want.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Eating and excercise
Now that I've decided that starving myself hasn't worked that well with losing weight, I've decided to do it the proper way and the way that I know works. Mostly because I've done it before and it was awesome.
I've gone back onto my Healthpoint plan diet which is only 100grams of carbs per day and more protein, which helps to make you fell full. And last night went for a brisk walk, which is all I can manage at the moment, and it felt really good. I actually think that excercise is also a really good way for me to strenghten my lungs for singing as well. But it felt good excercising and now that I've got an excercise buddy, it's not too bad. It's a lot more enjoyable.
Rehearsals are really fun. The tutors are really pushing for us to get to know each other. And because I'm quite shy, it's a good morale booster when these people come up to me and ask how i'm doing. I get suprised when they call out my name, becuase I don't really remember many of their names. But it's definately interesting.
Well at the moment, I still can't get in contact with the Tarai family down in Tokoroa.
The headstone has been plastered and it looks really nice. It's actually turning out a lot better than I thought it would actually so it's a real big bonus. The guy who plastered it for me just returned it this morning. It's a dark red and it feels really warm which is the feel I'm going for. Something that is warm and cosy feeling, just how he was. And me too. haha. But I hate looking at everyone elses headstones at the cemetary because most of them feel cold and empty so I wanted something that feels warm and loving. And at the moment, that's what I'm achieving with the headstone. I've been trying to look for some fonts for the lettering.
In some ways I just want this over and done with, just so I don't have to deal with it anymore. But then I don't want it to happen just yet, because it kind of feels like this is the end of trying to hold onto my husband. It feels like this is going to the final farewell and I don't want to do that.
So for breakfast I had one egg on one wholegrain toast. For morning tea I will have half an apple, for lunch I'm having dijon mustard chicken salad, afternoon tea, the other half of the apple, dinner hamburgers. And yes, I make it all myself. It's quite easy to make small portions. But yes of course being a maori, you think that you need bigger portions to satisfy your hunger but you don't. Just make sure you keep eating all day, don't wait till your hunger because by then you are already starved. just the same as, if you don't have a drink till you're thirsty becuase you're already dehydrated. So, I'm making extra effort to make sure that I stay with this plan longer than last time.
Last night I made baked basil chicken and salad for me and the kids. The chicken just had lemon juice, garlic, basil and pepper wrapped in foil then baked in oven for 20 minutes. the salad was just lettuce and cucumber. Nothing fancy. But it was really nice. and then topped it off with half a cup of rockmelon. The kids just wanted to eat the salad which suprised me more than anything. But I'm glad they enjoyed it, becuase I'm going to make them eat what I eat. hahaha
I've gone back onto my Healthpoint plan diet which is only 100grams of carbs per day and more protein, which helps to make you fell full. And last night went for a brisk walk, which is all I can manage at the moment, and it felt really good. I actually think that excercise is also a really good way for me to strenghten my lungs for singing as well. But it felt good excercising and now that I've got an excercise buddy, it's not too bad. It's a lot more enjoyable.
Rehearsals are really fun. The tutors are really pushing for us to get to know each other. And because I'm quite shy, it's a good morale booster when these people come up to me and ask how i'm doing. I get suprised when they call out my name, becuase I don't really remember many of their names. But it's definately interesting.
Well at the moment, I still can't get in contact with the Tarai family down in Tokoroa.
The headstone has been plastered and it looks really nice. It's actually turning out a lot better than I thought it would actually so it's a real big bonus. The guy who plastered it for me just returned it this morning. It's a dark red and it feels really warm which is the feel I'm going for. Something that is warm and cosy feeling, just how he was. And me too. haha. But I hate looking at everyone elses headstones at the cemetary because most of them feel cold and empty so I wanted something that feels warm and loving. And at the moment, that's what I'm achieving with the headstone. I've been trying to look for some fonts for the lettering.
In some ways I just want this over and done with, just so I don't have to deal with it anymore. But then I don't want it to happen just yet, because it kind of feels like this is the end of trying to hold onto my husband. It feels like this is going to the final farewell and I don't want to do that.
So for breakfast I had one egg on one wholegrain toast. For morning tea I will have half an apple, for lunch I'm having dijon mustard chicken salad, afternoon tea, the other half of the apple, dinner hamburgers. And yes, I make it all myself. It's quite easy to make small portions. But yes of course being a maori, you think that you need bigger portions to satisfy your hunger but you don't. Just make sure you keep eating all day, don't wait till your hunger because by then you are already starved. just the same as, if you don't have a drink till you're thirsty becuase you're already dehydrated. So, I'm making extra effort to make sure that I stay with this plan longer than last time.
Last night I made baked basil chicken and salad for me and the kids. The chicken just had lemon juice, garlic, basil and pepper wrapped in foil then baked in oven for 20 minutes. the salad was just lettuce and cucumber. Nothing fancy. But it was really nice. and then topped it off with half a cup of rockmelon. The kids just wanted to eat the salad which suprised me more than anything. But I'm glad they enjoyed it, becuase I'm going to make them eat what I eat. hahaha
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Hyperventilating AGAIN!!!!!
Why is it that everytime I think about all the things that Tangi left me to deal with that I just want to curl up and end things.!!! Just when I feel really good about something, or enjoying life, a black mood just overcomes me and I can't breathe properly, I can't even keep a straight face without wanting to cry. But I can't stop thinking about him. I've been reading the Twilight books again and crying over the fact that Tangi was just as perfect as the main character. He was just as understanding, if not more, he was just as patient, he was just as compassionate, he loved me just as much as the Edward did with Bella and vice versa. So why is it that I was left behind to deal with crap. And what's worse, I can't help but feel really scared to even step foot in his hometown. I've felt really rotten about my inlaws. Only because I've been making a huge effort to try to keep in contact and I haven't heard a word from them. I don't know if they have made any effort to see if we're alright, but I've constantly felt like it's been a one way thing. I'm actually thinking about giving up on them and moving on instead of worrying about them.
I don't know what Tangi would've done. whether or not he would keep trying or not. There are somethings that really tick me off. Well with the amount of moaning I do, it must come across that a hell of a lot of things tick me off. Which is true I guess.
But to find that one person who knows everything about you, who knows what your favourite things are, who knows what you dislike the most, who knows how to press your buttons, who knows your darkest fears, who knows your crazy ambitions, who knows what kind of walk you have, who knows what colour your eyes are, who knows what mood you are in once they see you, who knows how to cheer you up, who knows when you need space, who knows what to say to you to get their way, who knows how much you love them. How can you keep on living life when that one person is taken from you. For whatver reason it was that they were taken, how can i live with the fact that the one person who knew me the best, i have to live without them from now on.
I cry watching the kids see their dad in our home videos and that's the only memory they have of him, being sick in the hospital. When we have been up to the hospital, they yell out for daddy thinking that they're going up to visit him. Even 9 months down the track, they still do it. And when I tell them that Daddy is no longer there, they yell out for their nanny api. I cry thinking of all the Daddy talks that could've happened but won't. I cry thinking about how I'm never going to feel his arms around again, I'm not going to hear him whispering to me, I'm not going to him laugh at my craziness, i'm not going to see him play with his kids and run them around trying to catch the seagulls. And what pisses me off more than anything, is people thinking that they know how i feel. that some people think that they have more of a right than i do.
Nobody will ever know exactly how I feel and what I put up with everyday. It's crazy but I've put up with a lot of hurtful and crazy stuff. Maybe nothing physical but a lot of emotional stuff. whether if anyone else went through what I did and what i still am dealing with, I wonder how long they would last. How long would I last in someone elses shoes.
I tried to explain to one my mates, that what might seem like a big thing to me, may not be for me but that doesn't mean that it's not worth feeling something about. That you still have a right to feel hurt.
but today hasn't been that great of a day as you can probably see. But who cares right!!!
Actually thats wrong, there are a lot of people who care. I know that for a fact. But sometimes feeling lonelier than I should is maybe something that helps me to not supress my feelings. Who knows. I sure am trying to understand myself all the time.
I don't know what Tangi would've done. whether or not he would keep trying or not. There are somethings that really tick me off. Well with the amount of moaning I do, it must come across that a hell of a lot of things tick me off. Which is true I guess.
But to find that one person who knows everything about you, who knows what your favourite things are, who knows what you dislike the most, who knows how to press your buttons, who knows your darkest fears, who knows your crazy ambitions, who knows what kind of walk you have, who knows what colour your eyes are, who knows what mood you are in once they see you, who knows how to cheer you up, who knows when you need space, who knows what to say to you to get their way, who knows how much you love them. How can you keep on living life when that one person is taken from you. For whatver reason it was that they were taken, how can i live with the fact that the one person who knew me the best, i have to live without them from now on.
I cry watching the kids see their dad in our home videos and that's the only memory they have of him, being sick in the hospital. When we have been up to the hospital, they yell out for daddy thinking that they're going up to visit him. Even 9 months down the track, they still do it. And when I tell them that Daddy is no longer there, they yell out for their nanny api. I cry thinking of all the Daddy talks that could've happened but won't. I cry thinking about how I'm never going to feel his arms around again, I'm not going to hear him whispering to me, I'm not going to him laugh at my craziness, i'm not going to see him play with his kids and run them around trying to catch the seagulls. And what pisses me off more than anything, is people thinking that they know how i feel. that some people think that they have more of a right than i do.
Nobody will ever know exactly how I feel and what I put up with everyday. It's crazy but I've put up with a lot of hurtful and crazy stuff. Maybe nothing physical but a lot of emotional stuff. whether if anyone else went through what I did and what i still am dealing with, I wonder how long they would last. How long would I last in someone elses shoes.
I tried to explain to one my mates, that what might seem like a big thing to me, may not be for me but that doesn't mean that it's not worth feeling something about. That you still have a right to feel hurt.
but today hasn't been that great of a day as you can probably see. But who cares right!!!
Actually thats wrong, there are a lot of people who care. I know that for a fact. But sometimes feeling lonelier than I should is maybe something that helps me to not supress my feelings. Who knows. I sure am trying to understand myself all the time.
Ranting and Raving yet again.....
Man, I moan a whole lot but this thing helps to me just vent and get it out. Otherwise I spend hours in my room talking to myself about how much I want to strangle someone or whatever it is that I'm upset about.
Right now, what I'm upset about is I'm predicting how the unvieling will play out. I'm predicting that if I continue to let these unvielings go ahead as a combined thing that when it comes to the hakari, that we will once again be outsiders, when I'm the person who allowed it all to happen. So I'm predicting that these dumb Tokoroa CI's are going to get up on the mic and start saying how much they loved my mother in law and my husband, not say anything about how they're thankful that i let them have the opportunity to be there and they will say it all in CI so me and my family can't understand any of it. I am predicting that this is going to be a total CI function and that's it.
Now, I had to figure out exactly what I was angry about. Was I angry at the Cook Island culture in general or the Tokoroa community. And i figured out that I am totally accepting of the Cook Island culture, I've got no qualms with it at all. I'm pissed at the Tokoroa community because I have not met any other CI's who are selfish like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who are such aggresive backstabbers like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who openly shun everyone else who isn't CI other than the Tokoroa community. Now, I have family who are half CI, and they don't act like that, I have another family who my brother is marrying and they're not like that. I also have friends who are CI who are from Hastings who weren't like that. So why is it, that Tokoroa being in their own little bubble get off saying that all this negativity is a part of their culture. That's how they do things, that's a part of who they are as a culture. bull crap!!! It's just an excuse for them to blame everything on their culture and not taking responsibility for what bullshizzers they really are.
It's nearly been a year since the funeral and I still see red everytime I think about how that community treated me and my family. And it wasn't just a couple of them, it was the entire community. One of the leaders of their community even came into my own home and disrespected me. Didn't even say hi to me for one, didn't acknowledge me as Tangi's wife, even though he was stepping into mine and Tangi's home and didn't even talk english so that i could understand what they were saying. And this was one of their community leaders, on behalf of the entire community. Yeah what a great way to represent an entire community. And what's worse is that the majority of the people who were there at the funeral, were there for me ie my family who ALL turned up, mine and Tangi's close friends and they weren't Cook Island. We were mostly maori, so it didn't make any sense to me that they had made themselves think that this funeral was all about them. That this was just a Cook Island function and no one else was allowed to be involved.
And for some strange reason I just have a feeling that this is what it's going to be like for theunveiling. I would rather not invite anyone other than the people who actually do care about us. At least it would make it a proper event where it's happy and I'm not nearly wanting to kill somebody. Even just before Tangi died, I told him that I had a really bad feeling that something was brewing with his funeral. And sure enough, had the threats coming in with taking Tangi's body away from me and also the dumb islanders talking island in front of me and my family saying really nasty stuff. and i only know this because some of the islanders there are actually friends of our family and they were really upset by it.
But anyways, I'm trying to focus on making this a memorable and happy farewell to my hubby, so just trying to breath normally without hyperventalating at the stress I'm putting myself under just thinking about it.
Which comes to my other thing, I've been trying to get in contact with the inlaws in Tokoroa to see if they've done anything with their mums headstone, because I don't know exactly what to organise if I don't know what they're doing. And because I need everything to finish early so that I can make it back to my rehearsal for the musical. But anyways, I'm still ringing everyday to see if I might actually get through or not. But I'm going down to Hastings next weekend, so I might stop in on my way down or back or something to see what they're doing.
Ok, thats my rant for the day. See how the rest of the day goes.
Right now, what I'm upset about is I'm predicting how the unvieling will play out. I'm predicting that if I continue to let these unvielings go ahead as a combined thing that when it comes to the hakari, that we will once again be outsiders, when I'm the person who allowed it all to happen. So I'm predicting that these dumb Tokoroa CI's are going to get up on the mic and start saying how much they loved my mother in law and my husband, not say anything about how they're thankful that i let them have the opportunity to be there and they will say it all in CI so me and my family can't understand any of it. I am predicting that this is going to be a total CI function and that's it.
Now, I had to figure out exactly what I was angry about. Was I angry at the Cook Island culture in general or the Tokoroa community. And i figured out that I am totally accepting of the Cook Island culture, I've got no qualms with it at all. I'm pissed at the Tokoroa community because I have not met any other CI's who are selfish like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who are such aggresive backstabbers like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who openly shun everyone else who isn't CI other than the Tokoroa community. Now, I have family who are half CI, and they don't act like that, I have another family who my brother is marrying and they're not like that. I also have friends who are CI who are from Hastings who weren't like that. So why is it, that Tokoroa being in their own little bubble get off saying that all this negativity is a part of their culture. That's how they do things, that's a part of who they are as a culture. bull crap!!! It's just an excuse for them to blame everything on their culture and not taking responsibility for what bullshizzers they really are.
It's nearly been a year since the funeral and I still see red everytime I think about how that community treated me and my family. And it wasn't just a couple of them, it was the entire community. One of the leaders of their community even came into my own home and disrespected me. Didn't even say hi to me for one, didn't acknowledge me as Tangi's wife, even though he was stepping into mine and Tangi's home and didn't even talk english so that i could understand what they were saying. And this was one of their community leaders, on behalf of the entire community. Yeah what a great way to represent an entire community. And what's worse is that the majority of the people who were there at the funeral, were there for me ie my family who ALL turned up, mine and Tangi's close friends and they weren't Cook Island. We were mostly maori, so it didn't make any sense to me that they had made themselves think that this funeral was all about them. That this was just a Cook Island function and no one else was allowed to be involved.
And for some strange reason I just have a feeling that this is what it's going to be like for theunveiling. I would rather not invite anyone other than the people who actually do care about us. At least it would make it a proper event where it's happy and I'm not nearly wanting to kill somebody. Even just before Tangi died, I told him that I had a really bad feeling that something was brewing with his funeral. And sure enough, had the threats coming in with taking Tangi's body away from me and also the dumb islanders talking island in front of me and my family saying really nasty stuff. and i only know this because some of the islanders there are actually friends of our family and they were really upset by it.
But anyways, I'm trying to focus on making this a memorable and happy farewell to my hubby, so just trying to breath normally without hyperventalating at the stress I'm putting myself under just thinking about it.
Which comes to my other thing, I've been trying to get in contact with the inlaws in Tokoroa to see if they've done anything with their mums headstone, because I don't know exactly what to organise if I don't know what they're doing. And because I need everything to finish early so that I can make it back to my rehearsal for the musical. But anyways, I'm still ringing everyday to see if I might actually get through or not. But I'm going down to Hastings next weekend, so I might stop in on my way down or back or something to see what they're doing.
Ok, thats my rant for the day. See how the rest of the day goes.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Just some stuff around
Well, Rehearsals for my musical is going really well. I'm a soprano II which gives me some pretty high notes. I had to explain to someone who knew me at school that yes I was an alto then and that's mostly because i didn't push myself. Whereas now, I am a whole lot more versatile and confident so I can hit the notes easily. So I'm enjoying it a lot. I actually figured out that I'm the only maori in the production. Everyone is white. But I don't really care anyway because about 120 people auditioned and i got a part. So I'm stoked as anyways.
the kids are just a headache. Well they're actually really good kids until they get grumpy. Dupri just has one volume and that's loud and keeps on going and going and going with his crying. Pearl is alright until she gets into her spastic modes where she just works herself up. But other than that, they're really good. Don't have many problems with them.
My mum has gotten off her meds and is now going cold turkey. So it's been a little bumpy with her. Just trying ot stay out of her way a lot more. I would love to move out of here and into our own place again but I can't afford it. Not at themoment anyways. I've been focusing on paying this loan that i got a few years ago. So I just want to get rid of it and then I won't feel like I owe anyone. But in order to keep up my payments for it, I need to stay at the back of my parents place and just take any crappy mood my mum dishes out. It's part and parcel of being here. So it ends up being an ok compromise.
on Sunday, had someone talk in church. He started off saying that we go thru life, probably loving life, nothings going wrong, everything is perfect and then we get a phonecall that just turns our lives upside down. And that we can try to empathise with that person but we should never say that we know how they feel because we don't. each of our circumstances and experiences are all unique and never the same. I can probably guarantee that there wouldn't be one person who went thru the exact same experiences as i did. Yes, there are similar situations but it's not the same. But i couldn't help balling my eyes in the middle of church because it was really hard for me. Even now things are still feeling lonely and just missing Tangi heaps.
His unveiling is in 2 months, and I'm just feeling a pull towards him. sometimes i feel really crazy because I've tried to do things totally different to how i did them so that I'm not falling back into depression. It's helped keeping busy and talking to various people. even though they don't understand fuly what i'm going thru andstill going thru, it still helps to talk to them. But it's definately going to take me a long time to feel completely ok.
I do wish that i could start all over again. It's selfish yes, but i do wish that i can just pack everything up and start brand new. But I don't think i'm strong enough to do that on my own. Or to do it with my children. But I know that realistically, having my family around is the best support that i can have.
One thing I was thinking about was my brother and the kinds of thiings that he went thru. Because I know that us as a family werent there for him how he needed us to be. But one hting my family know how to do is to back off when we know we're not wanted. We won't turn up at each others places just because we feel like it, i'm the exception of course, but it doesnt happen with the rest of us. My parents don't turn up unannounced, or even announced. It has to be a formal gathering for them to feel like they're welcome or something. i don't know. And i dont know about my other brother, but I've definately been making a huge effort to make sure that i visit both my brothers. But going back to thinking about my brother. Just the fact that he was literally alone when he going thru his hard time. It may've not been exactly the same as what happened to me but it still hurts regardless. For me, it's been my family that's gotten me thru the worst of it. I explained to one of my friends, that during everything I had no choice but to suck it up and get on with it. For my kids, because there was no one else to take on that responsibility. She had said that I've been so strong with everything especially the funeral and that. I told her that I could've just let myeslf get numb and unresponsive, but I knew better. I knew that if I didn't pick myself up, there was no one else who could do that for me. So thats how I've been facing things, that I have to just deal with it, it's the mature thing to do. So why mope about it. Well I do mope still but not as long as usual. I've still got a whole lot more to learn about life and how things work and that. So yeah.
Going back to the musical. I don't know if i've written it already but I'm in 'The Sound of Music'. Ok, I'm not actually a fan of the musical but it's better than nothing. And I'm a nun in the nun's chorus. It's not a lead but that doesnt bother me. I'm happy that I'm on stage and performing. that's all that matters to me. I've always loved performing. But I never got nervous until a minute before I walked onto the stage. And then the nerves turned into adrennaline and I pushed harder. So it was really kool.
the kids are just a headache. Well they're actually really good kids until they get grumpy. Dupri just has one volume and that's loud and keeps on going and going and going with his crying. Pearl is alright until she gets into her spastic modes where she just works herself up. But other than that, they're really good. Don't have many problems with them.
My mum has gotten off her meds and is now going cold turkey. So it's been a little bumpy with her. Just trying ot stay out of her way a lot more. I would love to move out of here and into our own place again but I can't afford it. Not at themoment anyways. I've been focusing on paying this loan that i got a few years ago. So I just want to get rid of it and then I won't feel like I owe anyone. But in order to keep up my payments for it, I need to stay at the back of my parents place and just take any crappy mood my mum dishes out. It's part and parcel of being here. So it ends up being an ok compromise.
on Sunday, had someone talk in church. He started off saying that we go thru life, probably loving life, nothings going wrong, everything is perfect and then we get a phonecall that just turns our lives upside down. And that we can try to empathise with that person but we should never say that we know how they feel because we don't. each of our circumstances and experiences are all unique and never the same. I can probably guarantee that there wouldn't be one person who went thru the exact same experiences as i did. Yes, there are similar situations but it's not the same. But i couldn't help balling my eyes in the middle of church because it was really hard for me. Even now things are still feeling lonely and just missing Tangi heaps.
His unveiling is in 2 months, and I'm just feeling a pull towards him. sometimes i feel really crazy because I've tried to do things totally different to how i did them so that I'm not falling back into depression. It's helped keeping busy and talking to various people. even though they don't understand fuly what i'm going thru andstill going thru, it still helps to talk to them. But it's definately going to take me a long time to feel completely ok.
I do wish that i could start all over again. It's selfish yes, but i do wish that i can just pack everything up and start brand new. But I don't think i'm strong enough to do that on my own. Or to do it with my children. But I know that realistically, having my family around is the best support that i can have.
One thing I was thinking about was my brother and the kinds of thiings that he went thru. Because I know that us as a family werent there for him how he needed us to be. But one hting my family know how to do is to back off when we know we're not wanted. We won't turn up at each others places just because we feel like it, i'm the exception of course, but it doesnt happen with the rest of us. My parents don't turn up unannounced, or even announced. It has to be a formal gathering for them to feel like they're welcome or something. i don't know. And i dont know about my other brother, but I've definately been making a huge effort to make sure that i visit both my brothers. But going back to thinking about my brother. Just the fact that he was literally alone when he going thru his hard time. It may've not been exactly the same as what happened to me but it still hurts regardless. For me, it's been my family that's gotten me thru the worst of it. I explained to one of my friends, that during everything I had no choice but to suck it up and get on with it. For my kids, because there was no one else to take on that responsibility. She had said that I've been so strong with everything especially the funeral and that. I told her that I could've just let myeslf get numb and unresponsive, but I knew better. I knew that if I didn't pick myself up, there was no one else who could do that for me. So thats how I've been facing things, that I have to just deal with it, it's the mature thing to do. So why mope about it. Well I do mope still but not as long as usual. I've still got a whole lot more to learn about life and how things work and that. So yeah.
Going back to the musical. I don't know if i've written it already but I'm in 'The Sound of Music'. Ok, I'm not actually a fan of the musical but it's better than nothing. And I'm a nun in the nun's chorus. It's not a lead but that doesnt bother me. I'm happy that I'm on stage and performing. that's all that matters to me. I've always loved performing. But I never got nervous until a minute before I walked onto the stage. And then the nerves turned into adrennaline and I pushed harder. So it was really kool.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Just some pics
Well since I haven't put any pics up lately here are some. The kids got into my $40 liquid eye liner. My son watched me put my makeup on last night and so he thought he would replicate what i was doing
Thiis is what my hair looks like now. Its the new cut but it looks a bit wierd. i'm going to have to straighten it so that i can get a really good look at what it looks like.
The kids being crack up
My hair from the front position. Yes I look like a zombie or some ugly beast. hahaha.
The kids giving me their evil eyes. hahhaha.
Thiis is what my hair looks like now. Its the new cut but it looks a bit wierd. i'm going to have to straighten it so that i can get a really good look at what it looks like.
The kids being crack up
My hair from the front position. Yes I look like a zombie or some ugly beast. hahaha.
The kids giving me their evil eyes. hahhaha.
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