Christmas Tree

This was the end result of the kids christmas tree. It's proudly sitting on top of the TV. The kids did this one all by themselves. We weren't going to have anything but Dad told Mum that the tree should be put just for the kids. Dupri and Pearl were so excited with all the new things that they could touch, that it was hard just to get them to focus on putting things on the tree. I say that's the Cook Island them. hahahaha.

They were trying to help Nanny Gayle with the big tree but ended up just wanting to rummage through the box full of decorations

Dupri helping Nanny sort through the decorations. the kids lasted for about half an hour before I had to take them out to the room to go to bed. They did pretty well. They helped Nanny decorate the big tree too. It looks pretty good with some tweaking from me and Nanny.

Right now

I am enjoying some chocolate almonds and sparkling grape juice, compliments of Ari. Thanks Ari. It went to a good cause. hahaha.

Has anyone seen 'Twilight' at the movies. Now if you don't know already, I love to read. But I especially love to read about Vampires. I don't know what fascinates me about them, the fact that they are mysterious, have mind powers, super strength, beautiful, etc. My sisinlaw kara was telling me about this movie and apparently it's a series of books. So I have already ordered the books so that I can get straight onto reading them. Just so you know how much I read, I can read about 800 pages within 6 hours. And that's with toilet breaks and eating. So yeah, I love to read. It just gets your imagination going and whatever is described in the book, you can see it play out in your mind. I tried to tell Tangi about the experience of a good book, but he could never get it. He wasnt a reader. But he was glad that I was happy. Sometimes, I think that reading a book is so much better than watching a movie about it, because you get to see into the persons mind, not just try and imagine what they're thinking. You get to visualise that they see, not what the screen lets you see. So yeah the author is Stephenie Meyer. I got into the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice. They were some pretty good books. If you know the movies 'Queen of the Damned' and the other one with Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, they were firstly written by Anne Rice. Blade is also a favourite of mine. Anything that is written well and captures my imagination, I will read it. I hope at least one of my children will love reading and that they continue to do it throughout their life.
I broke my tooth the other day, it was already damaged when we were in Sydney, but I had it repaired while we were over there. And I was eating icecream the other day, and piece of it just broke off. I'm still thinking about whether I should try to get it repaired again or just pull it out. The Greening side don't have good teeth, so I have been blessed with bad teeth too. I have fillings in nearly every tooth, I have 2 teeth missing already and 2 teeth that need repairing. I think that I will have to seriuosly look into false teeth by the time I'm 30. shame!!!!! I keep trying to make sure my kids look after their teeth. So here's hoping they got Tangi's genes with their teeth. He had pretty good teeth, only thing was gaps in his teeth. They obviously got my looks hahahahha. Well I think they look a whole lot like Tangi.

I was kind of thinking how long it will take me to become Supermum. By the time both of my children get to school I need to have a career to support my children. To be able to pay for their schooling, to pay for their birthdays, for their wants and musthaves, for Dupri's mission and Pearl's wedding. All these things me and Tangi had talked about us doing. Making sure that we had the money to be able to do all of these. And to still have enough for us to buy a house and retire on. I will still be trying to make that happen as best as I can. At the moment, I'm not working, just focusing on my children and studies. Then next year will up the game a bit by adding something else into the equation. Not sure what tho yet. But we'll see how things go. It's 8 days till Christmas.

My sisinlaw Kara and Ryen and Tiarns arrived yesterday from Australia. I havent caught up much since they've come in but it feels really good to have them here. It's always good to have them around. My Brother Zappa gets in on Friday. But probably won't see him till Saturday when we wake up.

I always wonder, will I be single for the rest of my life. Maybe, I don't know. All I know at the moment, is I'm going to take my time. If it takes me 20 years, then it'll take me 20 years. One thing that worries me tho, is that if there was someone who was willing to take on a widow with two children, what happens if we have children. Who do those children go to, becuase there's no way that I'm going to be sealed to anyone else. If I do end up with someone, I'm going to make sure that I'm never going to leave Tangi. If another man makes a committment to me, it'll literally be till death do us part. And not for time and eternity. I told tangi that I want noone but him. so maybe being single for the rest of my life is going to be what I need to do. Who knows.....because I don't. I never knew that I would marry a wonderful one in a million man and then lose him to cancer. No one knew that would happen....but it did. I know he follows me wherever I go. I can feel him. Just a bit hard to talk to him when you can't hear what he's saying to you.

Comparison of Tangi

If you wanted to see the kind of person was, I mean the funny wacky side. Just get a DVD of hi5 and watch Nathan. He has the same mannerisms and energy that Tangi had. Tangi always had all the energy in the world. So yeah, Nathan off Hi5 is the perfect person that reminds of Tangi. hahah. Just go and have a look.

Christmas coming way too soon

I am getting excited because this year Dupri will be able to remember a little bit of what happened. but at the same time, it just feels empty and lonely.

Last year, Tangi was in hospital and not allowed out. So we had a little family thing at home, but the entire time i just wanted to go up to Tangi and spend the day with him. When we finally were able to go up, the kids were restless and everyone was tired. i hated doing that to Tangi, being tired and frustrated by the time i went up to see him. i was always happy to see him, and I always tried my best to make sure he could see that, but things just get you down so fast. It even just takes one little comment. The kids managed to open their pressies with their dad. he loved to be able to be a part of it, regardless of where he was. I ended up going up later that day to spend the rest of the day with Tangi. When the kids went back to NZ, I pretty much stayed up in the hospital the entire time with Tangi. Would only come home for a shower and then go back up to be with him. There wasnt much to do at all but it was still really good just to sleep with him, eat with him, talk with him.
Sometimes I wonder at how I will be when it comes to my kids, whether or not I will be too overprotective of them or not. I know it's just a natural thing, but will I be able to let them go..........
With the things that I've experienced over the past few years, I hope that I will be able to let them go and give them the space that they need to be able to find themselves. To make the mistakes that they need to to be able to learn the lessons that will help them through life. Will I be able to laugh again, and not just when I'm with my family and friends, but really laugh. Last time i laughed was when me and Tangi were watching Funniest home Videos. And Tangi just sat there and watched me laughing, because he couldnt remember the last time he saw me laugh so hard. It nearly made me cry to think that this whole time has been really hard and depressing. There are heaps of things that i will never tell anyone, because it's too private. i always have this fear that whenever i tell someone something, it's told to the next person, then the next person and then I'm a conversation not a person.
I've had a lot of comments come to me about people asking about how I am and stuff. I get annnoyed because these people that are asking, will never come up to me and actually have a conversation with me. They will never genuinely want to know thiings about me to get to know me. It makes me think that they're just plastic and offer fake promises.
I had one experience where someone had said to me, that if i needed anything then don't hesitate to ask. So, I needed someething, went to this person, and they just looked at me blankly and made an excuse as to why they couldnt help me. i just brushed it off as nothing, but when i thought about it later. it was like 'hang on', this person said that they would help me, so why arent they. So it clicked, this was one of the many many people who say the famous line ' IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, JUST CALL!!" The ones who say that don't leave me a number to call, don't come and visit me, don't make any effort to see if everything is ok. i must admit, I have done that a couple times, I like to think that I'm a good friend and that I try to give support to my friends whenever I can. But there are those times that you do say that, but never have any intentions of following thru.
I've been making an effort as of late to make sure that I follow thru with all my promises that I make. If i don't promise anything, it usually means that I just won't do it, or it will be a last minute thing, if i don't have anything else on.
Well now it feels like I'm babbling so I should stop for now, or until I can't sleep again. Ah well, I guess thats part of the whole process of going thru something so traumatic. My husband told me that I was described as a very strong woman, compared to the woman of old. I intend to prove him right.

bleh

I feel like I'm writing the same things over and over on here, but I still feel the same way, just because this is a blog doesnt mean that I feel differently every single day and that I have to find something different to write. I'm going to write whatever I'm feeling that day because that is what this blog is for.

One of the things that I keep thinking about is why did this have to happen to my family. Why couldnt this happen to someone else. I know thats selfish, but we are both young. Tangi was only 27, we just started our family. I'm 24 and already a widow with two children under the age of 3. I would always tell Tangi ' Why couldnt we have been given us something else, why did it have to be this.'
I was trying to think of so many reasons to why Tangi was better use in heaven than here on earth. I thought about all the things that he did. He was a convert to the church, he served a mission and we got sealed in the temple. We were doing our best with everything. One thing his extended family said when Tangi first got diagnosed was that he was being cursed for how we treated his sister. What bull!!!! Seriously!!!!! There's a reason to why we didnt want much of a cultural influence in our wedding etc. Because there's so much crap that's being told as if it's truth. Even on the maori culture side of things, yeah it's traditional and so you respect that, but to try and get other people to believe it. Me and Tangi always put our religion as our main culture. Not the cook island culture and not the maori culture. We did want to have a little bit of those in our lives so our children knew where they came from but not to have it influence their decisions. Only the gospel should be influencing their decisions and thats it.
Now if you're wondering about the sister thing, well I will touch base on a little bit of what happened.
We had asked for Tangi's lil sister to come and live with us because she wasnt doing well at home. Her parents agreed with us that there was more opportunities for her and that we were able to give her those opportunities. Well her being as stubborn as she is, decided that she thought she knew better and didnt want to listen and did nothing with the opportunities that were there. So after about 6 months with her not listening, I had given birth to our daughter, Dupri was getting into the terrible two stage and it was just too much to deal with all at once. She was getting even worse with her behaviour and attitude towards us so we sent her away. Twice actually. So thats the gyst of what happened. Hopefully she has learnt from what happened over there in Sydney but wished that it didnt happen in the first place.
So I'm 24 and I've already experienced a hell of lot that other people don't experience until they're mid 40's or something.

But yeah, thats just how i've been feeling today. Is why couldnt this have happened to someone else.

Gardens

I just wanted to put these pics up of us at the gardens. hahaha. We went to the gardens straight after going to the Cemetary. It was pretty kool, havent been there since 2005. So a little bit has changed and all the flowers are blooming so it was good to see the changes.

Sunday 14th Dec

This is where Tangi lies. Today was the first time since I crashed my car that I've been able to come and see Tangi. Jax and Dionte thought it would be nice to bring me. It was really awesome to be able to have that gift. At least until I can get out here on my own with my car fixed.

This is the tree that's behind him. It's going to grow into such a beautiful tree.

I had to clean it up a bit. He had additional flowers. I had to remove a couple stuff, there was a bag of sand and dirt that was just plonked there. It was pretty ugly and couldnt get why it was there. So put some of the the sand and stuff into the vases and then removed the rest. It looks a whole lot prettier. I'm really grateful for my Brother and Sis-in-law, they just come over just to say hi, they help me out quite a lot. They were mainly the reason why I stayed sane during the funeral. Dionte and Jax talked me into keeping my head and trying to make that I was ok. Out of all my brothers, I'm closest with Jaxon. Mostly because we were pretty much brought up together. Our big brothers had gone off to boarding school and it was just me and Jax. He would always take me out with him, let me hang out with him and his friends. When I was old enough, I would try to make sure that I looked out for him. Not that I don't love all my brothers, cause I've got a lot. But he's always been my closest brother. I'm really glad that he chose to be with an awesome girl who I get along with and we click just like that. Dionte gets me a lot too. So yeah, today it was a real special gift that they gave me, and I really appreciate them for it. Thanks guys!!!!!