Christmas coming way too soon

I am getting excited because this year Dupri will be able to remember a little bit of what happened. but at the same time, it just feels empty and lonely.

Last year, Tangi was in hospital and not allowed out. So we had a little family thing at home, but the entire time i just wanted to go up to Tangi and spend the day with him. When we finally were able to go up, the kids were restless and everyone was tired. i hated doing that to Tangi, being tired and frustrated by the time i went up to see him. i was always happy to see him, and I always tried my best to make sure he could see that, but things just get you down so fast. It even just takes one little comment. The kids managed to open their pressies with their dad. he loved to be able to be a part of it, regardless of where he was. I ended up going up later that day to spend the rest of the day with Tangi. When the kids went back to NZ, I pretty much stayed up in the hospital the entire time with Tangi. Would only come home for a shower and then go back up to be with him. There wasnt much to do at all but it was still really good just to sleep with him, eat with him, talk with him.
Sometimes I wonder at how I will be when it comes to my kids, whether or not I will be too overprotective of them or not. I know it's just a natural thing, but will I be able to let them go..........
With the things that I've experienced over the past few years, I hope that I will be able to let them go and give them the space that they need to be able to find themselves. To make the mistakes that they need to to be able to learn the lessons that will help them through life. Will I be able to laugh again, and not just when I'm with my family and friends, but really laugh. Last time i laughed was when me and Tangi were watching Funniest home Videos. And Tangi just sat there and watched me laughing, because he couldnt remember the last time he saw me laugh so hard. It nearly made me cry to think that this whole time has been really hard and depressing. There are heaps of things that i will never tell anyone, because it's too private. i always have this fear that whenever i tell someone something, it's told to the next person, then the next person and then I'm a conversation not a person.
I've had a lot of comments come to me about people asking about how I am and stuff. I get annnoyed because these people that are asking, will never come up to me and actually have a conversation with me. They will never genuinely want to know thiings about me to get to know me. It makes me think that they're just plastic and offer fake promises.
I had one experience where someone had said to me, that if i needed anything then don't hesitate to ask. So, I needed someething, went to this person, and they just looked at me blankly and made an excuse as to why they couldnt help me. i just brushed it off as nothing, but when i thought about it later. it was like 'hang on', this person said that they would help me, so why arent they. So it clicked, this was one of the many many people who say the famous line ' IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, JUST CALL!!" The ones who say that don't leave me a number to call, don't come and visit me, don't make any effort to see if everything is ok. i must admit, I have done that a couple times, I like to think that I'm a good friend and that I try to give support to my friends whenever I can. But there are those times that you do say that, but never have any intentions of following thru.
I've been making an effort as of late to make sure that I follow thru with all my promises that I make. If i don't promise anything, it usually means that I just won't do it, or it will be a last minute thing, if i don't have anything else on.
Well now it feels like I'm babbling so I should stop for now, or until I can't sleep again. Ah well, I guess thats part of the whole process of going thru something so traumatic. My husband told me that I was described as a very strong woman, compared to the woman of old. I intend to prove him right.