OK

Ok now, just so you know about what happened yesterday. I have been having an uphill battle with my niece. She's an awesome young lady but chooses to act younger than she is yet expects respect in return. So yeah, yesterday she was really getting on my nerves and a couple times, made me feel inadequate as a mother. She would bring my daughter into me saying ' there's your mum there ok, she's right there go to her' in that tone which says, there's your irresponsible mother. now my neice is 11years old and i let myself get angry at a comment that came from a girl who has NO IDEA what its like to have children. So that was my fault that I got so angry but even more angry that no matter what I said to her, she would still treat my kids like they were hers and that she could treat them badly with no repercussions. There was one time during the day where I was walking to give her a hiding because she had tipped me over the edge but she took off before I got there. Now for all those who have a teenager in their homes or who have looked after them. Dont' take crap from them. I have quite literally had enough of teenagers. Yeah I used to be one, Yeah I drove my mum up the wall. But the whole process of getting growled for my attitude and everything else was good for me. It helped me to learn what I was doing was wrong. And it got me ready for when it came to me looking after teenagers. I'm usually all sweet until they start treating my kids like their pests. And then they start talking to me as if I'm the problem.

I had asked Tangi one time if I was too hard. He never thought I was. He just thought that because I did everything and I remember how it felt. That I'm more on the ball now in picking up where the action and attitude will lead. One thing that I've always wanted my kids to know, and anyone else that comes to stay with me. Is that trust is a huge thing for me. If I can trust you, you can pretty much do what you want. If I don't trust you, You're not going to get away with anything at all and I will make your life hell. Well thats what I said to one person in particular. But it's funny how, even someone who is smart enough to scheme about what they're going to do to get away with something, isn't smart enough to figure out the trust thing. They just don't get it. My niece is just like that.

One thing I'm dreading is my son and daughter hitting that stage. My daughter already has attitude but can usually do her sad eyes and cute grin to get out of anything. My son just gets in trouble then turns around and says ' I'm sorry mummy'. How can you stay angry at that. man.

Now, while I've been writing this blog, There's been a few things that have upset me a whole lot and I try my best not to say who it is. But then people, who it's not about are asking me if it's about them. So I just want you to know that even if I am talking about someone in particular or a particular situation, I still only want those who are involved to know who it was and not everyone else to know who it was. Because I was thinking that if and when they were to read this, they won't be too happy that I've put it in this blog. But at the same time, it's something thats been eating at me for such a long time and at such an intensity that I need to get it out somehow and this is the only way I know how at the moment without going overboard with it. This is my way of coping at the moment, it's my way of trying to deal with everything, of trying to put things into perspective. I would love to specify exactly who it is that I am talking about, but if I'm only writing it to prove a point when I've already gotten over it, then why mention their name anyways. you know what I'm saying i'm pretty sure.

I am dreading going to my family reunion and introducing my family. I am dreading this whole holiday. I am dreading this coming year. I am dreading going to my inlaws place. Now the inlaws. they are wonderful people and are really kind and thoughtful. But just lack in the 'need to back off' department. I'm not ready to go and spend the night at their place. Not because of anything that they've done, only because I'm not ready to go into the room that me and Tangi shared, I'm not ready to go thru his things. I'm not ready to have to deal with all of that yet. Yet, they have been pressuring me to spend a whole week with them and to stay in his room. His mum at one point pulled out his hair from his first haircut and was trying to give it to me to hold, but I just pulled back and was just looking at her like 'Are you mad or something' . I wasn't ready. I want my kids to go and spend some time with them, I want them to spend time wth the kids but I still need some time. I have told them this but it's still not registering. His mum has breast cancer, but the cancer has developed so much that it's spread massively, into her lungs so she has trouble breathing, it really close to her heart. She won't have long.

Tangi told me that his mum had come to him in the hospital and told him that she didnt have long, but the Dr's couldnt say much else. He was crying when he told me that. My reaction wasnt the same, I said to him ' oh ok'. Tangi got angry at me because he expected the same reaction from me that he had when he heard about it. After he calmed down a bit, I told him that I'm sorry that I don't feel exactly the same way as you, but I am sad about it. Tangi had a totally different relationship to his mum that I did, so of course he was a whole lot closer and felt a greater loss than I did. At first I felt bad that I didnt feel as strongly, but Tangi said to me, that he understood why I don't feel exactly the same way as him. That my experiences were totally different to his. So yes, I am sad that this is happening to his family. I guess in most ways tho, I am pretty jealous too, like I've always been. Because when she does go, she gets to spend that time with him anyways, and yet, I'm still here and have to wait. why does that happen aye?? That you have to wait for that something great.

I was telling Tangi one time, that when the time is right, just have to wait a little bit longer and then the reward will be a whole lot greater. So, thats just one of those things. And here I am just babbling again. I'm not so tired today anyways. Which is good. I'm a lot happier because I got to talk about it to my sisinlaw last night. And my other sisinlaw this morning. So yeah, my mum wants to go carolling at tangi's grave tomorrow night, which should be ok cause Dupri knows Jingle bells. hahaha.