Feeling frustrated and angry

It's like since I woke up, I can't shake this feeling and emotion. And it's not helping anyone else because they're all avoiding me because I keep snapping at everyone. I'm angry because we will no longer have Tangi to share Christmas with again. We will never be able to open our gifts with him. We will never be able to do our little Christmas devotionals again. We will never be able to go christmas shopping with each other. We will never be able to have any more family photos.

Even tho I've got family around and I hang out with a couple people. I can never express how I'm really feeling, because one) they don't have the time or energy to hear it, two) they've got kids and husbands that need attention too, three) it just sounds like i'm complaining most of the time four) I will probably just go on and on and on. I have tried to talk to a couple people but it's just not the same. I can't talk as freely as I did with Tangi. I can't feel the same way as I did with Tangi.

I'm so frustrated today that everything that my kids and my nieces are doing are pissing me off. All I can hear is 'dupri, stop doing that! dupri, don't touch that, pearl get out of there, pearl stop touching that' It just feels like my kids can never really have fun with any of their cousins because they're the youngest. All they get are growlings from their older cousins and it really pisses me off that they don't just play with them. So I have to take my kids away just so they can have a break. Which leaves me with no break once again. I hate talking about anything because those who I say a little bit to, can't comprehend what and how I'm feeling because it's so much to deal with. Sometimes I try to say it out loud what I'm feeling and sometimes it just feels stupid doing that. But oh well. I don't know if Tangi can read my mind now or what. If he can, then primo. Cause at least he still knows what I'm going thru but its just hard that I can't get anyone else to understand it either. I'm crying constantly yet no one knows what to say, no one lets me tell them why I'm crying, even tho they think they know. I'm excited but dreading the reunion with my family because I'm going to feel even worse. Happy that I'm with my family but hurting so much because I couldnt bring Tangi to meet any of them. Because he couldnt share this with me and the kids. Because we couldnt go as a family like the rest are. I'm despising the fact that I'm in this little torn family and everyone gets to still play happy families and I'm left in the dark.

Now just so you know, if it does sound like I'm babbling and talking about crap, well it's probably because I can't think straight right now. I really need a holiday. I need to get away from everyone and just have my own space. Even away from my children. I've been wanting to get a massage for ages and so I was going to save for a holiday just to relax and try to get my head around a couple things.

My son has a christmas party at 6 tonight and hopefully that goes well. He'll be singing and stuff. so that'll be fun to watch.

I just wish that when people say that they're here for me, then to be there for me. I just can't handle much more. Maybe I need to go and talk to someone else about all this. Yeah, i think that's what I'll do.