My feelings on the holiday

Now that I've put up some photos of what we got up to down in Kaitangata it's only fair that I write about how I felt about the whole experience.

There were a few times where I wanted to burst out crying because Tangi wasnt here to share it with me. But the thing was, was that I could feel him the entire time there with me. So I introduced my family to Tangi and vice versa. Showed a couple of them the video of Tangi and showed some photos that I had on my laptop. They had never met him but they were touched and felt the loss that I felt. When I told them about the kind of man that he was, they were couldnt believe it. That Tangi was such an honourable, kindhearted and awesome husband and man. I felt so proud to be able to say that I married him and that I loved him.

We stopped off at Tangi's folks place on the way thru to Hamilton, but they werent home. When we got back to Hamilton, Dad just turned off and went straight to see Tangi. I didnt have to ask or say anything. Because for me, I feel like a burden when I ask anyone if I can go and see him. But it was really special. Me and Dad spoke about what kind of headstone I was thinking of. I have a few ideas and I know that Tangi would like all of them. I just have to make a definate decision by Dupri's birthday at least. Just so that they have time to get it done.

Every time I felt like crying down south, I just looked around and knew that everyone else were going thru their own things too. I had a Aunty who is going thru breast cancer, and uncle who lost his best friend and sister, a few cousin having relationship problems etc. there is just so many things that everyone else is going thru that they have trouble dealing with. We did a fireside/Family Home Evening on the Sunday night. When we sang the last song, the family who were left were crying. They were touched by whatever we were singing. It was really kool.

This past year and a half have been the toughest I've had to experience so far. I've had to deal with the burden of looking after an adolescent while being pregnant, deal with my husband getting sick to the point that he couldnt move and then to lose him. To a normal person that would've been all too much. For me it was all too much. And then all the while in between all of that, having to deal with both sides of the families and their demands and pressures. And still trying to raise up 2 beautiful children who you want to grow up into respectful and well mannered adults. Do you really think that you would be able to endure what I've gone thru. I must be a really strong individual to still be standing today. There must be a reason to why I had to go thru this and no one else. Obviously I was able to handle this, I was able to deal with this. Otherwise I wouldve been given a different challenge to endure. Now tomorrow being a new year, a new start ( I Hope), hopefully me and the children can move onto better things. I'm still working towards going back to the temple. I had to battle with a lot of emotions and feelings towards other people and myself that I couldnt handle. One thing that I found during our marriage is that you take offense to things that inlaws say or do a lot easier than if it was your family that did it. It's easier to get offended and angry at the things that inlaws do and say because you never grew up with them. You don't know them. You're still learning to get to know them. There were things and still are things that tick me off about my inlaws, but there were definately a lot of stuff that would tick Tangi off about my family too. When he would get angry at them, I would just say to him ' Well thats just them, thats what they do." He would still be angry, and it was the same for me. He'd say to me that thats just them, thats what they do. Yet, if it was my family doing the exact same thing, I'm a lot more willing and quicker to forgive them.

As I was talking with my dad on the way home from hastings, we spoke about other people who have and are still going thru a similar situation as ours. I got really annoyed at the disrespect and selfishness of those who don't have a clue. One of my old skool teachers just lost her husband to the same cancer as my husband. I wanted to go see them to show my love but because I've been thru this, I knew that wasnt the best thing to do. Because all you want to do is just be together and not have to entertain everyone else who just want to feel better about themselves and say that yes, they visited. Can you ask yourself ' If this person wasn't sick, would you still be visiting them as frequently as do when they are sick. Would you care as much when things are going just fine. And what about when they're gone, do you help and support the family that is left behind, do you visit them, do you become friends with them, do you pick up their kids to mingle with your own. Because at the end of the day, you can't rely on anyone else but yourself because it's always everyone else, that lets you down. And even tho you may have family around, they're not always the best people to help you. i've found that people try to put their wishes and beliefs onto me as if I should listen to them. Like I have to feel how they feel, do what they do. I have never done anything that I didnt want to do. Everything that I've done has been my choice. And it will always be my choice and no one elses.