Bored, frustrated and airy

Well now that we've finished our holiday, it's back to doing nothing all day. But I'm still trying to save to get my car fixed. The thing is, is that it does go. Nothings wrong with it, I just can't drive without any lights on the front of my car and to do that, I have to get the metal that holds the entire bumper onto the car. Just havent gotten around to it yet.

So like I said a blog or two ago, I went and saw 'Twilight'. I am becoming obsessed with it. I have already ordered the series and just want more of it. Man, this is what happened before me and Tangi got married, is that when a really good book came out, I couldnt think about anything else. Then the movie would come out and then I'd get even more obsessed with it. But then, the kids kind of distracted me from that because they're always so noisy.

Dad's finished the gate now, so it's good that the kids can run around and I'm not freaking out that my kids will run onto the road. so now, they run straight inside to my parents place and stay in there for ages. They're allowed to come and go as they please. And then I take them out to their new play swing set which has a swing, slide, tramp and a double swing. It's pretty kool. Uncle Zappa, Aunty Kara and mum and dad got it for the kids. Dupri and Pearl have to get used to it though.

I'm still waiting for the inlaws to say that they want to take the kids. they're still asking when I'm coming down. hmmmm.

I'm still missing Tangi. I still cry when I'm alone. But when there are people around me, I just put on a 'I'm ok' face. Because no matter how I feel at that moment, I won't deal with it until I'm alone and can think better. Me and Dad were talking about Tangi the other night, Dad keeps on saying that I was lucky to have him. I know that I was lucky to him, because I don't think that I wouldve found a man anywhere as near as perfect as he was. Our marriage went so smoothly because Tangi was willing to understand me, and if he didnt understand me, he would ask me how I was feeling. He always wanted to know what I was thinking. Even if the thing I was thinking was hurtful. But it worked, our communication was actually really good, that no one could to us without the other one knowing. We would literally stay up to all hours of the morning just talking about how we're feeling, our goals, our dreams etc. And this would be about 2 or 3 times a week we would do this.

The last night we spent together, he had come home from hospital the day before. I had asked for the hospital bed to be brought home because I couldnt exactly put the bed on a tilt by myself and it made things a bit easier. He really wanted to sleep with me in our bed. I really wanted him to too, but me being logical and thinking about everything else instead, I didnt want him to be uncomfortable because he was lying completely flat. So he slept in his bed, and I slept in ours. We both had a little sleep and Tangi woke up and was calling for me. So I woke up and asked him what he wanted, He just wanted a drink so I went and got him one. And then we spent the rest of the night talking about how good it felt with him being home. It felt like we were a family again, after so long of being apart, we felt like a couple. It felt really good just to have him in the room where I was comfortable and the kids were comfortable and me and tangi were able to just talk without anyone coming in and interrupting us. Tangi had no pain since he came into our home.

Now if you were to try to imagine the type of pain that Tangi was in every single day. His back was in pain 24/7. It had these sharp pains constantly going thru his back like as if they were extreme pins and needles. And he had needle pains in his hands and feet. Nothing that he could do would make it go away. Nothing the medications would do would make it go away. He was soo painful that for awhile, you could barely touch him because it was too painful for him. Just to change him and shower him was agonizing for him and the nurses, and for me watching and trying to help.

So he came home, and the pain left. He had never felt so comfortable for such a long time. Everything just felt right for him and me. His sleep was the most rested he felt in a long time. He just felt at peace with being home with his family. I had bought him some really kool clothes back in March from hallensteins. I only had the inclination to go and buy him clothes just that one time. Not because I didnt want to, but because I just felt there wasnt a need for them. So, he decided to wear the shorts and shirt I had bought him, he really liked it. I'm so bummed that I never took a photo of him in them. That was the first time in such a long time that he looked normal. With nothing coming out of him, with normal clothes on and not the hospital stuff on. I almost forgot that he was sick when I saw him all dressed. He really wanted to have a shave tho, and I really wanted him to have one. But we ended up spending most of the morning jsut talking to each other. We spent pretty much every moment since he got home together.

Now, I think near the beginning of all these blogs I had mentioned that we had stored Tangi's soldiers over in Sydney. Well, I decided to do nothing with them. Because I would be making it so much harder for myself if I was to bring a child into this world without their father. I already have a tough enough time as it if, let alone being pregnant and everything that goes with it. As well as early morning feeds and tired eyes etc. So, they've probably chuckd it out now, so there's nothing I can do about it anyway.

Sometimes being at home, makes me feel like I'm an adolescent with children. As if I got pregnant young and then my boyfriend left me. But I didnt. I still feel like I'm married, regardless of where my husband is. When we were down south island, I introduced my family as Me, Dupri and Pearl and Tangi was off doing something else better. Which is true. They all knew what had happened but I just didnt want to say it at all. I'm constantly feeling like there's something missing. I know exactly what it is. And thats for me to deal with. I don't have any goals written out yet, so am still getting there with those. Will have to think of them in between all my sleeps and stuff.