Now that I've decided that starving myself hasn't worked that well with losing weight, I've decided to do it the proper way and the way that I know works. Mostly because I've done it before and it was awesome.
I've gone back onto my Healthpoint plan diet which is only 100grams of carbs per day and more protein, which helps to make you fell full. And last night went for a brisk walk, which is all I can manage at the moment, and it felt really good. I actually think that excercise is also a really good way for me to strenghten my lungs for singing as well. But it felt good excercising and now that I've got an excercise buddy, it's not too bad. It's a lot more enjoyable.
Rehearsals are really fun. The tutors are really pushing for us to get to know each other. And because I'm quite shy, it's a good morale booster when these people come up to me and ask how i'm doing. I get suprised when they call out my name, becuase I don't really remember many of their names. But it's definately interesting.
Well at the moment, I still can't get in contact with the Tarai family down in Tokoroa.
The headstone has been plastered and it looks really nice. It's actually turning out a lot better than I thought it would actually so it's a real big bonus. The guy who plastered it for me just returned it this morning. It's a dark red and it feels really warm which is the feel I'm going for. Something that is warm and cosy feeling, just how he was. And me too. haha. But I hate looking at everyone elses headstones at the cemetary because most of them feel cold and empty so I wanted something that feels warm and loving. And at the moment, that's what I'm achieving with the headstone. I've been trying to look for some fonts for the lettering.
In some ways I just want this over and done with, just so I don't have to deal with it anymore. But then I don't want it to happen just yet, because it kind of feels like this is the end of trying to hold onto my husband. It feels like this is going to the final farewell and I don't want to do that.
So for breakfast I had one egg on one wholegrain toast. For morning tea I will have half an apple, for lunch I'm having dijon mustard chicken salad, afternoon tea, the other half of the apple, dinner hamburgers. And yes, I make it all myself. It's quite easy to make small portions. But yes of course being a maori, you think that you need bigger portions to satisfy your hunger but you don't. Just make sure you keep eating all day, don't wait till your hunger because by then you are already starved. just the same as, if you don't have a drink till you're thirsty becuase you're already dehydrated. So, I'm making extra effort to make sure that I stay with this plan longer than last time.
Last night I made baked basil chicken and salad for me and the kids. The chicken just had lemon juice, garlic, basil and pepper wrapped in foil then baked in oven for 20 minutes. the salad was just lettuce and cucumber. Nothing fancy. But it was really nice. and then topped it off with half a cup of rockmelon. The kids just wanted to eat the salad which suprised me more than anything. But I'm glad they enjoyed it, becuase I'm going to make them eat what I eat. hahaha
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Hyperventilating AGAIN!!!!!
Why is it that everytime I think about all the things that Tangi left me to deal with that I just want to curl up and end things.!!! Just when I feel really good about something, or enjoying life, a black mood just overcomes me and I can't breathe properly, I can't even keep a straight face without wanting to cry. But I can't stop thinking about him. I've been reading the Twilight books again and crying over the fact that Tangi was just as perfect as the main character. He was just as understanding, if not more, he was just as patient, he was just as compassionate, he loved me just as much as the Edward did with Bella and vice versa. So why is it that I was left behind to deal with crap. And what's worse, I can't help but feel really scared to even step foot in his hometown. I've felt really rotten about my inlaws. Only because I've been making a huge effort to try to keep in contact and I haven't heard a word from them. I don't know if they have made any effort to see if we're alright, but I've constantly felt like it's been a one way thing. I'm actually thinking about giving up on them and moving on instead of worrying about them.
I don't know what Tangi would've done. whether or not he would keep trying or not. There are somethings that really tick me off. Well with the amount of moaning I do, it must come across that a hell of a lot of things tick me off. Which is true I guess.
But to find that one person who knows everything about you, who knows what your favourite things are, who knows what you dislike the most, who knows how to press your buttons, who knows your darkest fears, who knows your crazy ambitions, who knows what kind of walk you have, who knows what colour your eyes are, who knows what mood you are in once they see you, who knows how to cheer you up, who knows when you need space, who knows what to say to you to get their way, who knows how much you love them. How can you keep on living life when that one person is taken from you. For whatver reason it was that they were taken, how can i live with the fact that the one person who knew me the best, i have to live without them from now on.
I cry watching the kids see their dad in our home videos and that's the only memory they have of him, being sick in the hospital. When we have been up to the hospital, they yell out for daddy thinking that they're going up to visit him. Even 9 months down the track, they still do it. And when I tell them that Daddy is no longer there, they yell out for their nanny api. I cry thinking of all the Daddy talks that could've happened but won't. I cry thinking about how I'm never going to feel his arms around again, I'm not going to hear him whispering to me, I'm not going to him laugh at my craziness, i'm not going to see him play with his kids and run them around trying to catch the seagulls. And what pisses me off more than anything, is people thinking that they know how i feel. that some people think that they have more of a right than i do.
Nobody will ever know exactly how I feel and what I put up with everyday. It's crazy but I've put up with a lot of hurtful and crazy stuff. Maybe nothing physical but a lot of emotional stuff. whether if anyone else went through what I did and what i still am dealing with, I wonder how long they would last. How long would I last in someone elses shoes.
I tried to explain to one my mates, that what might seem like a big thing to me, may not be for me but that doesn't mean that it's not worth feeling something about. That you still have a right to feel hurt.
but today hasn't been that great of a day as you can probably see. But who cares right!!!
Actually thats wrong, there are a lot of people who care. I know that for a fact. But sometimes feeling lonelier than I should is maybe something that helps me to not supress my feelings. Who knows. I sure am trying to understand myself all the time.
I don't know what Tangi would've done. whether or not he would keep trying or not. There are somethings that really tick me off. Well with the amount of moaning I do, it must come across that a hell of a lot of things tick me off. Which is true I guess.
But to find that one person who knows everything about you, who knows what your favourite things are, who knows what you dislike the most, who knows how to press your buttons, who knows your darkest fears, who knows your crazy ambitions, who knows what kind of walk you have, who knows what colour your eyes are, who knows what mood you are in once they see you, who knows how to cheer you up, who knows when you need space, who knows what to say to you to get their way, who knows how much you love them. How can you keep on living life when that one person is taken from you. For whatver reason it was that they were taken, how can i live with the fact that the one person who knew me the best, i have to live without them from now on.
I cry watching the kids see their dad in our home videos and that's the only memory they have of him, being sick in the hospital. When we have been up to the hospital, they yell out for daddy thinking that they're going up to visit him. Even 9 months down the track, they still do it. And when I tell them that Daddy is no longer there, they yell out for their nanny api. I cry thinking of all the Daddy talks that could've happened but won't. I cry thinking about how I'm never going to feel his arms around again, I'm not going to hear him whispering to me, I'm not going to him laugh at my craziness, i'm not going to see him play with his kids and run them around trying to catch the seagulls. And what pisses me off more than anything, is people thinking that they know how i feel. that some people think that they have more of a right than i do.
Nobody will ever know exactly how I feel and what I put up with everyday. It's crazy but I've put up with a lot of hurtful and crazy stuff. Maybe nothing physical but a lot of emotional stuff. whether if anyone else went through what I did and what i still am dealing with, I wonder how long they would last. How long would I last in someone elses shoes.
I tried to explain to one my mates, that what might seem like a big thing to me, may not be for me but that doesn't mean that it's not worth feeling something about. That you still have a right to feel hurt.
but today hasn't been that great of a day as you can probably see. But who cares right!!!
Actually thats wrong, there are a lot of people who care. I know that for a fact. But sometimes feeling lonelier than I should is maybe something that helps me to not supress my feelings. Who knows. I sure am trying to understand myself all the time.
Ranting and Raving yet again.....
Man, I moan a whole lot but this thing helps to me just vent and get it out. Otherwise I spend hours in my room talking to myself about how much I want to strangle someone or whatever it is that I'm upset about.
Right now, what I'm upset about is I'm predicting how the unvieling will play out. I'm predicting that if I continue to let these unvielings go ahead as a combined thing that when it comes to the hakari, that we will once again be outsiders, when I'm the person who allowed it all to happen. So I'm predicting that these dumb Tokoroa CI's are going to get up on the mic and start saying how much they loved my mother in law and my husband, not say anything about how they're thankful that i let them have the opportunity to be there and they will say it all in CI so me and my family can't understand any of it. I am predicting that this is going to be a total CI function and that's it.
Now, I had to figure out exactly what I was angry about. Was I angry at the Cook Island culture in general or the Tokoroa community. And i figured out that I am totally accepting of the Cook Island culture, I've got no qualms with it at all. I'm pissed at the Tokoroa community because I have not met any other CI's who are selfish like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who are such aggresive backstabbers like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who openly shun everyone else who isn't CI other than the Tokoroa community. Now, I have family who are half CI, and they don't act like that, I have another family who my brother is marrying and they're not like that. I also have friends who are CI who are from Hastings who weren't like that. So why is it, that Tokoroa being in their own little bubble get off saying that all this negativity is a part of their culture. That's how they do things, that's a part of who they are as a culture. bull crap!!! It's just an excuse for them to blame everything on their culture and not taking responsibility for what bullshizzers they really are.
It's nearly been a year since the funeral and I still see red everytime I think about how that community treated me and my family. And it wasn't just a couple of them, it was the entire community. One of the leaders of their community even came into my own home and disrespected me. Didn't even say hi to me for one, didn't acknowledge me as Tangi's wife, even though he was stepping into mine and Tangi's home and didn't even talk english so that i could understand what they were saying. And this was one of their community leaders, on behalf of the entire community. Yeah what a great way to represent an entire community. And what's worse is that the majority of the people who were there at the funeral, were there for me ie my family who ALL turned up, mine and Tangi's close friends and they weren't Cook Island. We were mostly maori, so it didn't make any sense to me that they had made themselves think that this funeral was all about them. That this was just a Cook Island function and no one else was allowed to be involved.
And for some strange reason I just have a feeling that this is what it's going to be like for theunveiling. I would rather not invite anyone other than the people who actually do care about us. At least it would make it a proper event where it's happy and I'm not nearly wanting to kill somebody. Even just before Tangi died, I told him that I had a really bad feeling that something was brewing with his funeral. And sure enough, had the threats coming in with taking Tangi's body away from me and also the dumb islanders talking island in front of me and my family saying really nasty stuff. and i only know this because some of the islanders there are actually friends of our family and they were really upset by it.
But anyways, I'm trying to focus on making this a memorable and happy farewell to my hubby, so just trying to breath normally without hyperventalating at the stress I'm putting myself under just thinking about it.
Which comes to my other thing, I've been trying to get in contact with the inlaws in Tokoroa to see if they've done anything with their mums headstone, because I don't know exactly what to organise if I don't know what they're doing. And because I need everything to finish early so that I can make it back to my rehearsal for the musical. But anyways, I'm still ringing everyday to see if I might actually get through or not. But I'm going down to Hastings next weekend, so I might stop in on my way down or back or something to see what they're doing.
Ok, thats my rant for the day. See how the rest of the day goes.
Right now, what I'm upset about is I'm predicting how the unvieling will play out. I'm predicting that if I continue to let these unvielings go ahead as a combined thing that when it comes to the hakari, that we will once again be outsiders, when I'm the person who allowed it all to happen. So I'm predicting that these dumb Tokoroa CI's are going to get up on the mic and start saying how much they loved my mother in law and my husband, not say anything about how they're thankful that i let them have the opportunity to be there and they will say it all in CI so me and my family can't understand any of it. I am predicting that this is going to be a total CI function and that's it.
Now, I had to figure out exactly what I was angry about. Was I angry at the Cook Island culture in general or the Tokoroa community. And i figured out that I am totally accepting of the Cook Island culture, I've got no qualms with it at all. I'm pissed at the Tokoroa community because I have not met any other CI's who are selfish like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who are such aggresive backstabbers like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who openly shun everyone else who isn't CI other than the Tokoroa community. Now, I have family who are half CI, and they don't act like that, I have another family who my brother is marrying and they're not like that. I also have friends who are CI who are from Hastings who weren't like that. So why is it, that Tokoroa being in their own little bubble get off saying that all this negativity is a part of their culture. That's how they do things, that's a part of who they are as a culture. bull crap!!! It's just an excuse for them to blame everything on their culture and not taking responsibility for what bullshizzers they really are.
It's nearly been a year since the funeral and I still see red everytime I think about how that community treated me and my family. And it wasn't just a couple of them, it was the entire community. One of the leaders of their community even came into my own home and disrespected me. Didn't even say hi to me for one, didn't acknowledge me as Tangi's wife, even though he was stepping into mine and Tangi's home and didn't even talk english so that i could understand what they were saying. And this was one of their community leaders, on behalf of the entire community. Yeah what a great way to represent an entire community. And what's worse is that the majority of the people who were there at the funeral, were there for me ie my family who ALL turned up, mine and Tangi's close friends and they weren't Cook Island. We were mostly maori, so it didn't make any sense to me that they had made themselves think that this funeral was all about them. That this was just a Cook Island function and no one else was allowed to be involved.
And for some strange reason I just have a feeling that this is what it's going to be like for theunveiling. I would rather not invite anyone other than the people who actually do care about us. At least it would make it a proper event where it's happy and I'm not nearly wanting to kill somebody. Even just before Tangi died, I told him that I had a really bad feeling that something was brewing with his funeral. And sure enough, had the threats coming in with taking Tangi's body away from me and also the dumb islanders talking island in front of me and my family saying really nasty stuff. and i only know this because some of the islanders there are actually friends of our family and they were really upset by it.
But anyways, I'm trying to focus on making this a memorable and happy farewell to my hubby, so just trying to breath normally without hyperventalating at the stress I'm putting myself under just thinking about it.
Which comes to my other thing, I've been trying to get in contact with the inlaws in Tokoroa to see if they've done anything with their mums headstone, because I don't know exactly what to organise if I don't know what they're doing. And because I need everything to finish early so that I can make it back to my rehearsal for the musical. But anyways, I'm still ringing everyday to see if I might actually get through or not. But I'm going down to Hastings next weekend, so I might stop in on my way down or back or something to see what they're doing.
Ok, thats my rant for the day. See how the rest of the day goes.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Just some stuff around
Well, Rehearsals for my musical is going really well. I'm a soprano II which gives me some pretty high notes. I had to explain to someone who knew me at school that yes I was an alto then and that's mostly because i didn't push myself. Whereas now, I am a whole lot more versatile and confident so I can hit the notes easily. So I'm enjoying it a lot. I actually figured out that I'm the only maori in the production. Everyone is white. But I don't really care anyway because about 120 people auditioned and i got a part. So I'm stoked as anyways.
the kids are just a headache. Well they're actually really good kids until they get grumpy. Dupri just has one volume and that's loud and keeps on going and going and going with his crying. Pearl is alright until she gets into her spastic modes where she just works herself up. But other than that, they're really good. Don't have many problems with them.
My mum has gotten off her meds and is now going cold turkey. So it's been a little bumpy with her. Just trying ot stay out of her way a lot more. I would love to move out of here and into our own place again but I can't afford it. Not at themoment anyways. I've been focusing on paying this loan that i got a few years ago. So I just want to get rid of it and then I won't feel like I owe anyone. But in order to keep up my payments for it, I need to stay at the back of my parents place and just take any crappy mood my mum dishes out. It's part and parcel of being here. So it ends up being an ok compromise.
on Sunday, had someone talk in church. He started off saying that we go thru life, probably loving life, nothings going wrong, everything is perfect and then we get a phonecall that just turns our lives upside down. And that we can try to empathise with that person but we should never say that we know how they feel because we don't. each of our circumstances and experiences are all unique and never the same. I can probably guarantee that there wouldn't be one person who went thru the exact same experiences as i did. Yes, there are similar situations but it's not the same. But i couldn't help balling my eyes in the middle of church because it was really hard for me. Even now things are still feeling lonely and just missing Tangi heaps.
His unveiling is in 2 months, and I'm just feeling a pull towards him. sometimes i feel really crazy because I've tried to do things totally different to how i did them so that I'm not falling back into depression. It's helped keeping busy and talking to various people. even though they don't understand fuly what i'm going thru andstill going thru, it still helps to talk to them. But it's definately going to take me a long time to feel completely ok.
I do wish that i could start all over again. It's selfish yes, but i do wish that i can just pack everything up and start brand new. But I don't think i'm strong enough to do that on my own. Or to do it with my children. But I know that realistically, having my family around is the best support that i can have.
One thing I was thinking about was my brother and the kinds of thiings that he went thru. Because I know that us as a family werent there for him how he needed us to be. But one hting my family know how to do is to back off when we know we're not wanted. We won't turn up at each others places just because we feel like it, i'm the exception of course, but it doesnt happen with the rest of us. My parents don't turn up unannounced, or even announced. It has to be a formal gathering for them to feel like they're welcome or something. i don't know. And i dont know about my other brother, but I've definately been making a huge effort to make sure that i visit both my brothers. But going back to thinking about my brother. Just the fact that he was literally alone when he going thru his hard time. It may've not been exactly the same as what happened to me but it still hurts regardless. For me, it's been my family that's gotten me thru the worst of it. I explained to one of my friends, that during everything I had no choice but to suck it up and get on with it. For my kids, because there was no one else to take on that responsibility. She had said that I've been so strong with everything especially the funeral and that. I told her that I could've just let myeslf get numb and unresponsive, but I knew better. I knew that if I didn't pick myself up, there was no one else who could do that for me. So thats how I've been facing things, that I have to just deal with it, it's the mature thing to do. So why mope about it. Well I do mope still but not as long as usual. I've still got a whole lot more to learn about life and how things work and that. So yeah.
Going back to the musical. I don't know if i've written it already but I'm in 'The Sound of Music'. Ok, I'm not actually a fan of the musical but it's better than nothing. And I'm a nun in the nun's chorus. It's not a lead but that doesnt bother me. I'm happy that I'm on stage and performing. that's all that matters to me. I've always loved performing. But I never got nervous until a minute before I walked onto the stage. And then the nerves turned into adrennaline and I pushed harder. So it was really kool.
the kids are just a headache. Well they're actually really good kids until they get grumpy. Dupri just has one volume and that's loud and keeps on going and going and going with his crying. Pearl is alright until she gets into her spastic modes where she just works herself up. But other than that, they're really good. Don't have many problems with them.
My mum has gotten off her meds and is now going cold turkey. So it's been a little bumpy with her. Just trying ot stay out of her way a lot more. I would love to move out of here and into our own place again but I can't afford it. Not at themoment anyways. I've been focusing on paying this loan that i got a few years ago. So I just want to get rid of it and then I won't feel like I owe anyone. But in order to keep up my payments for it, I need to stay at the back of my parents place and just take any crappy mood my mum dishes out. It's part and parcel of being here. So it ends up being an ok compromise.
on Sunday, had someone talk in church. He started off saying that we go thru life, probably loving life, nothings going wrong, everything is perfect and then we get a phonecall that just turns our lives upside down. And that we can try to empathise with that person but we should never say that we know how they feel because we don't. each of our circumstances and experiences are all unique and never the same. I can probably guarantee that there wouldn't be one person who went thru the exact same experiences as i did. Yes, there are similar situations but it's not the same. But i couldn't help balling my eyes in the middle of church because it was really hard for me. Even now things are still feeling lonely and just missing Tangi heaps.
His unveiling is in 2 months, and I'm just feeling a pull towards him. sometimes i feel really crazy because I've tried to do things totally different to how i did them so that I'm not falling back into depression. It's helped keeping busy and talking to various people. even though they don't understand fuly what i'm going thru andstill going thru, it still helps to talk to them. But it's definately going to take me a long time to feel completely ok.
I do wish that i could start all over again. It's selfish yes, but i do wish that i can just pack everything up and start brand new. But I don't think i'm strong enough to do that on my own. Or to do it with my children. But I know that realistically, having my family around is the best support that i can have.
One thing I was thinking about was my brother and the kinds of thiings that he went thru. Because I know that us as a family werent there for him how he needed us to be. But one hting my family know how to do is to back off when we know we're not wanted. We won't turn up at each others places just because we feel like it, i'm the exception of course, but it doesnt happen with the rest of us. My parents don't turn up unannounced, or even announced. It has to be a formal gathering for them to feel like they're welcome or something. i don't know. And i dont know about my other brother, but I've definately been making a huge effort to make sure that i visit both my brothers. But going back to thinking about my brother. Just the fact that he was literally alone when he going thru his hard time. It may've not been exactly the same as what happened to me but it still hurts regardless. For me, it's been my family that's gotten me thru the worst of it. I explained to one of my friends, that during everything I had no choice but to suck it up and get on with it. For my kids, because there was no one else to take on that responsibility. She had said that I've been so strong with everything especially the funeral and that. I told her that I could've just let myeslf get numb and unresponsive, but I knew better. I knew that if I didn't pick myself up, there was no one else who could do that for me. So thats how I've been facing things, that I have to just deal with it, it's the mature thing to do. So why mope about it. Well I do mope still but not as long as usual. I've still got a whole lot more to learn about life and how things work and that. So yeah.
Going back to the musical. I don't know if i've written it already but I'm in 'The Sound of Music'. Ok, I'm not actually a fan of the musical but it's better than nothing. And I'm a nun in the nun's chorus. It's not a lead but that doesnt bother me. I'm happy that I'm on stage and performing. that's all that matters to me. I've always loved performing. But I never got nervous until a minute before I walked onto the stage. And then the nerves turned into adrennaline and I pushed harder. So it was really kool.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Just some pics
Well since I haven't put any pics up lately here are some. The kids got into my $40 liquid eye liner. My son watched me put my makeup on last night and so he thought he would replicate what i was doing
Thiis is what my hair looks like now. Its the new cut but it looks a bit wierd. i'm going to have to straighten it so that i can get a really good look at what it looks like.
The kids being crack up
My hair from the front position. Yes I look like a zombie or some ugly beast. hahaha.
The kids giving me their evil eyes. hahhaha.
Thiis is what my hair looks like now. Its the new cut but it looks a bit wierd. i'm going to have to straighten it so that i can get a really good look at what it looks like.
The kids being crack up
My hair from the front position. Yes I look like a zombie or some ugly beast. hahaha.
The kids giving me their evil eyes. hahhaha.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Waiting and waiting
I cut my hair today, it was just a trim really but it's just past my shoulders now and I did it in layers. So it's pretty snazzy looking for my own cutting. And yes, it was all on my own. One side is slightly longer than the other side but thats sweet as. It'll make it easier to tidy up and do up and I might be bothered to even brush it a bit more often. Man, i swear, if i don't brush my hair at least twice a day, a few dreadlocks evolve. it's bionic my hair.
Now about that waiting part. Ok, i'm waiting for the YSA dance to start and also for my kids to go to sleep. Just so tat i can go. I'm tired and about to fall asleep but i actually want to go and socialise for a couple hours. But i'm waiting for the kids to go to sleep so that i can get ready and then jump in the car and take off. My mum is inside so she'll be able to keep an ear out for them if they wake up. But otherwise, the kids are pretty good sleepers.
Okay, now I have watched Michael Jackson's funeral several times as well as search out his 30th anniversary concert, all of his mini movies, moonwalker, thriller, ghost etc and i even watched his interviews with oprah and this other guy. And after all of that, I finally understood a bit better. I still don't think that it was appropriate to have other people's kids sleep in your room with you when you're an adult, but just listening to how he explained it. Was that he treated it like a normal sleepover with mates. Even though he was a grown adult, but he had become like a child. He even said in an interview that he didn't think he was god. he just tried to be godlike. to become like a little child, be innocent minded like a child. And that's what he adapted into his everyday life. So, I think I understand him just a little bit better, but I would've loved to have gotten to know him personally, he actually looked like a really fun guy to be around.
And yes I balled my eyes out when his daughter got up and said her piece. I think it would've made people realise that he was a father too.
So I'm still waiting. I can see that one child is nearly asleep and the other one is just lying htere quietly. I don't think he's near asleep yet but it doesn't matter. He's pretty good with putting himself to sleep. It's been really cold the last few nights. I've even let Pearl snuggle up to me just so that she can stay warm at night. Dupri actually have all our blankets on his bed just to keep his little body warm, and we have a 4 fin oil heater to heat this room. But it's still chily. Might have to pull out the other oil heater as well. I have them going all day and night and it's still really cold. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to wear tonight to the dance becuase i don't want to go and be freezing cold and not be able to move because i'm cold as. Anyways, I better get off and figure out my wardrobe, not that i care too much on how i look but it's more about the comfort and still being able to feel my toes at the end of the night. and hopefully my toes haven't fallen off from frostbite in the gloomy hamilton weather.
Now about that waiting part. Ok, i'm waiting for the YSA dance to start and also for my kids to go to sleep. Just so tat i can go. I'm tired and about to fall asleep but i actually want to go and socialise for a couple hours. But i'm waiting for the kids to go to sleep so that i can get ready and then jump in the car and take off. My mum is inside so she'll be able to keep an ear out for them if they wake up. But otherwise, the kids are pretty good sleepers.
Okay, now I have watched Michael Jackson's funeral several times as well as search out his 30th anniversary concert, all of his mini movies, moonwalker, thriller, ghost etc and i even watched his interviews with oprah and this other guy. And after all of that, I finally understood a bit better. I still don't think that it was appropriate to have other people's kids sleep in your room with you when you're an adult, but just listening to how he explained it. Was that he treated it like a normal sleepover with mates. Even though he was a grown adult, but he had become like a child. He even said in an interview that he didn't think he was god. he just tried to be godlike. to become like a little child, be innocent minded like a child. And that's what he adapted into his everyday life. So, I think I understand him just a little bit better, but I would've loved to have gotten to know him personally, he actually looked like a really fun guy to be around.
And yes I balled my eyes out when his daughter got up and said her piece. I think it would've made people realise that he was a father too.
So I'm still waiting. I can see that one child is nearly asleep and the other one is just lying htere quietly. I don't think he's near asleep yet but it doesn't matter. He's pretty good with putting himself to sleep. It's been really cold the last few nights. I've even let Pearl snuggle up to me just so that she can stay warm at night. Dupri actually have all our blankets on his bed just to keep his little body warm, and we have a 4 fin oil heater to heat this room. But it's still chily. Might have to pull out the other oil heater as well. I have them going all day and night and it's still really cold. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to wear tonight to the dance becuase i don't want to go and be freezing cold and not be able to move because i'm cold as. Anyways, I better get off and figure out my wardrobe, not that i care too much on how i look but it's more about the comfort and still being able to feel my toes at the end of the night. and hopefully my toes haven't fallen off from frostbite in the gloomy hamilton weather.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Being Busy - Theory Time
Now does being busy necessarily mean being happy. I know that for me being busy definately helps me to be happy with my situation than if I wasn't busy. Especially if I wasn't busy enough to take my mind off of annoying things. And does being happy mean that you are happy with the life you're living or that you love life in general.
I know of a lot of people who love life but aren't happy. Also, I know a few people who are really busy but aren't happy. So to be happy, what does one self have to do to achieve it.
Ok, here's an example.
I got married to the most amazing guy in the world and had an amazingly awesome marriage. But I wasn't entirely happy, not because of my husband but because I didn't feel like I had achieved much up to that point. I didn't have a career, I wasn't a homemaker, I wasn't crafty or anything, wasn't in any clubs and didn't have any achievements or goals. I felt like I was stuck in the same place.
At the moment, I am busy with my calling at church, going out a little bit more to socialise, writing a book, in a musical and I feel really happy. I feel like I'm actually achieving something great.
So if these two had been combined and happened at the exact same time, I think I would've been so euphoric. But it didn't happen at the same time did it.
I just got off the phone to a friend, who is in YSA who says that she's not happy with her life. She needs a change and being a YSA in Hamilton is too repetitive and boring. And that a couple other YSA are feeling the same too. So I wondered to myself. If I hadn't gotten married and had children, would I have been stuck in that vicious YSA cycle where you don't progress. where your life just goes around and around in circles and living from one paycheck to the other. With no goals but to socialise with each other. I think I would be really unhappy at the monotomus lifestyle.
I guess at the same time, I don't work so I've been treating my calling as a part time job. Now, because I'm the secretary in YW, I have made up templates for every single thing that is needed in YW. On Sunday, someone asked who the secretary for YW was, I turned to her and said that it was me. She just replied, Oh, I didn't realise. I thought you were a counsellor or the President. I just laughed and said 'Well, that's only cause I act like it. I boss everyone around.'. She laughed and so did one of the counsellor who was standing with me. But it hit me, that I had no idea how important my role in this calling was. And that the reason why I've made such a huge effort to do my best with it, it shows in my attitude toward the other leaders and the girls. I really enjoy my calling. I know what my calling is, and i'm doing exactly that. I don't overstep on anything, I take the minutes for all the meetings, i do the agenda for that meeting, i give out the assignments to everyone, do up the calendars, update all the records, take the rolls etc. But just typing everything up takes quite a bit of time. Even with my speed typing off 75wpm it still takes me at least a day to type everything up and emailed out to everyone, as well as printing them out to have a hardcopy of them. And then on top of that, I'm expected to help out with the activities as well if i'm needed. And with most of the combined activities, i am required to be there, either for transport or even just for support.
So my theory, at the end of all of this, is that, if you find something that you really enjoy, stick to it and you will be happy. espeically when you feel that life is going good for you. But to just enjoy it.
I know of a lot of people who love life but aren't happy. Also, I know a few people who are really busy but aren't happy. So to be happy, what does one self have to do to achieve it.
Ok, here's an example.
I got married to the most amazing guy in the world and had an amazingly awesome marriage. But I wasn't entirely happy, not because of my husband but because I didn't feel like I had achieved much up to that point. I didn't have a career, I wasn't a homemaker, I wasn't crafty or anything, wasn't in any clubs and didn't have any achievements or goals. I felt like I was stuck in the same place.
At the moment, I am busy with my calling at church, going out a little bit more to socialise, writing a book, in a musical and I feel really happy. I feel like I'm actually achieving something great.
So if these two had been combined and happened at the exact same time, I think I would've been so euphoric. But it didn't happen at the same time did it.
I just got off the phone to a friend, who is in YSA who says that she's not happy with her life. She needs a change and being a YSA in Hamilton is too repetitive and boring. And that a couple other YSA are feeling the same too. So I wondered to myself. If I hadn't gotten married and had children, would I have been stuck in that vicious YSA cycle where you don't progress. where your life just goes around and around in circles and living from one paycheck to the other. With no goals but to socialise with each other. I think I would be really unhappy at the monotomus lifestyle.
I guess at the same time, I don't work so I've been treating my calling as a part time job. Now, because I'm the secretary in YW, I have made up templates for every single thing that is needed in YW. On Sunday, someone asked who the secretary for YW was, I turned to her and said that it was me. She just replied, Oh, I didn't realise. I thought you were a counsellor or the President. I just laughed and said 'Well, that's only cause I act like it. I boss everyone around.'. She laughed and so did one of the counsellor who was standing with me. But it hit me, that I had no idea how important my role in this calling was. And that the reason why I've made such a huge effort to do my best with it, it shows in my attitude toward the other leaders and the girls. I really enjoy my calling. I know what my calling is, and i'm doing exactly that. I don't overstep on anything, I take the minutes for all the meetings, i do the agenda for that meeting, i give out the assignments to everyone, do up the calendars, update all the records, take the rolls etc. But just typing everything up takes quite a bit of time. Even with my speed typing off 75wpm it still takes me at least a day to type everything up and emailed out to everyone, as well as printing them out to have a hardcopy of them. And then on top of that, I'm expected to help out with the activities as well if i'm needed. And with most of the combined activities, i am required to be there, either for transport or even just for support.
So my theory, at the end of all of this, is that, if you find something that you really enjoy, stick to it and you will be happy. espeically when you feel that life is going good for you. But to just enjoy it.
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