the books have finally arrived

Okay, all three of the twilight books arrived today and I have already finished the first book ' twilight'. Crazy huh. ah well, it's actually quite a bit different to the movie but you know, there is no way that they would be able to get all the details into a movie, like how she felt when she saw him or when he is near her. You can't ever get a clear enough picture on a movie like when you read it in a book. because in a book, you can actually see and hear what the person is thinking. Not so, in a movie. and heaps of it was cut out too. i still love the movie, but i also love the book.

Dupri was supposed to start daycare on monday, (yesterday) but i've been too lazy and he doesnt wake up till 8am anyways, so I havent bothered taking him. Probably will just wait till end of the month and take him, or maybe get him started next monday.

It's been pretty lonely without my sisinlaws being home for me to ring them and just talk. Dionte and jax went ot a wedding for what seemed like forever, and my other sisinlaw kara was in wellington for what seemed like forever too. hahahahaa. So, now they're home, I feel better. hahaha. Today, I pretty much was engrossed with reading the twilight book, couldnt even look at the kids, let alone put the book down. I really should stop and give them the whole day tomorrow with mummy actually taking notice of them. They do have a brand new gym thing that i keep kicking them out of the house to use. but usually, they just want to play on it if I'm out there with them, or they go and make a mess outside with all the plastic bottles in those green bins. kids will be kids aye. well i'm just waiting till they're a little bit older to fully be a bit more independent. And then knowing me, I'll wish they never moved on so fast.

Well, as far as my schooling is going. I have already posted my first assignment, just waiting for my results. Going thru the second lesson and have gotten about half way, and i'm already confused. Trying to get the differrent codes and the relevance of certain things is quite tricky when I have to figure it all out for myself just by reading. It is easier when there is someone telling you, or standing there teaching you, because they're right there to put it into a different context just os you understand it, whereas correspondence, its all up to your own interpretation. So, yeah, it does have its challenges so far, like finding the time to do it. I find it easier to study when the kids arent home. I can get a whole lot more done and can concentrate a whole lot better. As you do, with no distractions. lol.

I really miss tangi. I was talking to my dad about what happens to any kids that i may have in the future. that if they're automatically sealed to me, are they sealed to tangi too. He just said, that I need to make my decision now, whether or not I'm even going to go down that road of someone else to spend my life with. And if I would be sealed to them instead.
I'm not quite ready to think that far yet, but I do know, that I don't want anyone else but Tangi. I know that I am willing to spend the rest of my life alone if thats what it takes to avoid having to feel the guilt of bringing another child into this world. And I don't actually want to have another family to worry about either. It gets a bit much thinking about all the many families that I have. hahaha. And I have a lot. gosh, its a headache just to think about it.

I'm still crying at little things, like remembering a date, or something that happened in the hospital. I'm even crying in certain parts of movies, or songs. hmmmm. I'm definately not finding this easy at all. But there's no other way around it but to try to deal with my feelings of grief. and regardless of how I feel, I still can't change the fact that he's gone.