Feeling tired

I really dont know what it is, I feel so tired. maybe its to do with me staying up til 4.30am watching Greys Anatomy. So it's been quite a lazy day.

But I do have good news. I have an Xbox now. hahaha. Just for me and the kids when we get too bored. I'm more of a computer games person but oh well, this will be a different break. It even keeps kajsa occupied when she's bored while she's here. I can barely keep my eyes open, my kids are disappearing all the time, not sure if they go out the back or if they're going into the house or onto the road. but I've got Dupris Christmas pressie already. i've hid it in the shed so he doesnt see it. It's a second hand Bob the Builder bike from Trade Me. It was an awesome find actually. because Dupri LOVES bob the builder and he's been wanting a bike. it only cost me $34.00 too. That meke bargain. I've got my sights on a paddling pool for the kids. Will have to wait till next year for a proper back yard pool, just don't have the cash at the moment with saving up for Christmas and for a headstone. I've still got a couple things to do on this place out the back before it's to how i want it. Definately want more room for pictures, but there isnt any. Don't want to get our own place again because I can save more being here. Ah well, i better start putting more pics up before this get boring to look at. hahaha.

hmm

I signed up with this book club called Doubleday. Man, I just love buying books for some reason. Just being able to look at the different things I can make and who to share them with, reading about different facts, or even just stuff that isnt even real. I'm a bit of a nerd, or so Tangi called me. He was the geek and I was the nerd. hahahaha. There were a lot of times when he wasnt sure of a meaning of a word or how certain things or procedures worked. Every time he started a new job, he got me to read thru his contract to make sure that it was ok. Mostly because he couldnt be bothered thru it himself and he knew that I would read thru it just cause I wanted to know the details. hahaha. Tangi knew me inside out. He knew exactly what I would say or think about anythiing and everything. Sometimes before I even knew I would.

This has taken me at least 3 hours to write because all I seem to be doing is telling the kids, 'stop touching that' 'shut up' 'be quiet'. And it's driving me nuts. Usually I will just laugh about what they're doing and saying but just lately, all I can hear is Pearl doing tantrums and Dupri teaching her how to do the things that he's getting in trouble for. I've even been going out and trying to keep myself busy but these two just keep fighting with each other too. i've made them pull each others ears for not listening and they both ended up crying. But hoping that they end up listening, and even as i'm writing this I've growled them 4 times. Ridiculous aye. Just the frustrations of not being able to get Tangi to deal with it and having him take over for a bit so I can have a break from their fighting and crying. I always wish he was here. Even when I reminesce on how we were and everything, people are trying to get me to make goals about where my life is headed, what i want for the kids. It's hard to think about that. We had goals and dreams until he got sick. Then all of a sudden, we couldnt plan for anything, our lives were put on hold just waiting and hoping that he would get better and things would go back to normal. We were even being asked what we wanted to do, like did we want to move, am i going to go to work. If you could ask yourself, what would u do in my shoes. You wouldnt be able to honestly say that you would know what to do. Because everything changes when it does happen to you. You just freeze and all of a sudden you can't think straight, you can't deal with anything. All you want is for someone to be there to tell you that everything will be alright and that things will be ok. It was the exact opposite when Tangi was diagnosed. Things were ok at first where our ward had jumped in and pretty much organised everything for us eg food and babysitting. They were absolutely awesome. I dont' know what we wouldve done if they werent there for us at that time. Later on, both the mothers came over to help out. Me and Tangi had been going through so much stuff, mostly with selfish family. I just just given birth to our daughter pearl and everything was falling apart. I had one mum saying that I backstab and need to stop doing it and another mum telling me i was useless mum and wife. I had other people telling me what I should be doing. I had a couple friends who were trying to be there for me as much as they could, and a sisterinlaw who was doing the best she could too. But it still was sooo overwhelming that I was going up to the hospital everyday crying to my husband about how everyone was treating me and how it was making me feel. That there was no way that i would ever make them feel so low when they were at their lowest. We ended up sending our kids back to New Zealand while me and Tangi stayed in Sydney so that he could finish his treatments. It wasnt till a month later that the Dr it was ok for us to travel in between treatments so that we could come back to NZ to be with our kids. We were both relieved. Yet I was still being hassled for not doing enough and I'm not doing what I'm doing. Someone even went to my husband to tell him what he thought about what I was doing. and that I need to be doing more and that I'm making everyone else do everything for me and that i'm too spoilt and always get my way. Tangi sat there and listened and was getting really confused because I had already told him what was going on. When I went in later that night to see him, he told me what this person had been saying about me and boy I just let Tangi have it. I was blaming him for his sickness and for dragging us all with him. I was blaming him for letting this person and his family and my family talk to him about how useless they thought I was. I kept on blaming for everything that was happening. How selfish was I tho, to blame my husband who was already blaming himself for something that neither of us could control. How selfish of all these other people to start putting blame on me and making me feel worthless at such a crucial time. But I can say, that this has made me stronger and more willing to stand up for myself. I hated going thru such a hard trial where EVERYTHING was falling apart. But I just say, No matter how many times you and your partner talk about how you would handle things if this happened to you, no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you would do things differently, You will never know until it does happen to you. So who are we to judge on what everyone else is going thru.

How we met and the lead up to us getting married

i was a Stake YSA Representative Secretary at the time. And we had put on a 'get to know you' activity for all the Ward YSA Reps in our stake. So me and the male and female reps decided to do a putt putt golf thing. It was pretty exciting because I was meeting people that I had never met before. So I was giving everyone who came a huge kiss and hug to welcome them to the activity and introduced myself and everything. And then there was this guy who looked shorter than me (only cause I used to guys towering over me) and he had driven one of the ward reps to the activity. He had curly brown hair, a small and pointy nose, dark skin, pretty toned body, and the hugest smile you could ever see. I gave him a kiss and hug and introduced myself and he said that his name was Tangi. Well, let me tell you now, I thought he was pretty cute and that I would see if he was single. hhaahaha. Talk about eager. Well to honest, I always thought I wasnt too bad looking myself, but wondered why I didnt have much dates with guys from church. I was pretty toned and skinny cause I was going to the gym, I had darkened up because of the sun capsules, I was dancing every week with Fusion, I was really looking after myself and going to church every sunday, going to every activity and yet, there was still no one asking me out. I was baffled and annoyed at the dumb idiots who were too scared to ask anyone out. So I tried a little searching myself instead. Tangi was one of the many guys that I checked out, being a YSA who just wanted to get out there. The next time that I saw Tangi was at a YSA dance in Huntly. I was with a few of my friends there, and was just dancing how I normally did. And he walked in....... with someone on his arm. And man, I was taken back by this. I watched him for a bit, didnt go up to him to say hi in case his girlfriend got a bit jealous of me. And i noticed that he was watching me the whole night too. After a couple months we would just see each other every now and then at activities or dances and stuff. But then, me and my flatmates had a falling out and I decided to move back to my parents place. My parents told me that someone else was moving in at the same time too. So I was sweet with that. I found out later that it was Tangi who had moved in a week before I was going to move back iin with my parents. crack up. We would talk occasionnally on his way out or my way out. But he was constantly going back to Tokoroa every weekend. the Weekdays were busy for me, cause i was working then straight to the gym then out with my friends. Until the weekends, then it was sleep in on saturdays, get up, go out with friends and do whatever. It wasnt until one particular saturday that Tangi decided that he would just stay and try it out for one weekend here in Hamilton. thats when we just talked for hours and hours. it felt pretty good to have someone to talk to because at the time, my friends werent reliable in that aspect. We were getting really close, that a couple times, he'd be in his room, I'd be in my room and we'd text each other to see if the other was hungry and then decide to grab something to eat just cuase we could. And then we'd talk some more. It was pretty awesome. The entire time this was going on, he was still dating his girlfriend. And he was loyal to her right up until they broke up. It took him about 5 -6 months to get over that relationship. We were both living at my folks house for about 6 months and me and my mum were hitting heads too much so I decided that I would move out again. But this time to Temple View. Tangi would still keep in touch through texting and tell me that he missed me being around. Him and my bro Jax would hang out heaps and they'd both ring me up to come over to my folks place for dinner. I started going thru a pretty dark time, I ended up not going to church and I was drinking and smoking. I was seeing a couple non member guys but was getting more and more depressed each day. I'm still not sure why it was that I was getting like that. I think it mayve been to do with, I needed to do something to fill this space inside but nothing was working. I stopped eating for about a month and a half. Would only eat once a day, and I was dropping weight fast. Me and Tangi had gone to the beach, I was telling him that I was ready to move on with my life, to start a family and settle down, I was sick of being single and having no one reliable to talk to. I wanted kids and a husband to share my life with. Then started complaining that the only guys who wanted to date me were inactive guys who I wasnt interested in anyways. Tangi was like ' but there are guys who like you' and i asked him ' so tell me one guy who does like me then' and he was like ' oh umm well i ' and i said to him ' see there is no one, you're wrong, they all just pussies, too scared of rejection'. We worked in the same building in the centre of Hamilton. Different floors and different companies. We would email each other and it was pretty sweet. One day, my car broke down and I needed a new battery but couldnt afford to get one but still needed to get into work somehow. So I rang up my friend who lived down the road, but he would purposefully go straight past my house saying he forgot about me and couldnt turn around. So I rang up Tangi to see if he could take me to work. He didnt hesitate at all. So he dropped me off at work, he started at 12.30pm so we would meet up at lunch time and he'd give me the keys to take the car home and then come and pick him after work. that was a pretty sweet agreement. We were hanging out a lot more, after i would pick him up, we'd get something to eat and then he'd drop me off at my house. I asked him if he wanted to hang out first, and Tangi was sweet as with it. The first night, we were talking about what we would do if we had someone to love. Tangi blew me away with all the things he would do with the person he loved. He said' I will make sure that she knew she was the most important person to me, that she wouldnt hesitate to say that i'm his number one and no one else. I will want her to talk to me about everything and anything and that what she has to say is very important to me. I want her to feel safe with me, to know that everythings going to be alright. I will love her and kiss her and cuddle her cause thats what I like too' When he said all that, I was like ' dayemmmmm what a guy!!!!!!! He's a keeper this one'. haha. The next day, we would email each other once he got to work, until it was time for me to knock off, then go pick him up. I told him about me not being able to eat much, because I felt like I didnt deserve it. He made me promise to eat a whole banana for breakfast, we were looking up at the stars and he showed me his star. We were out on the balcony of my house, and he came up and stood right next to me so that he was touching my arm with his arm. For me ' i was like hold up, is this guy doing what I think he's doing'. so i took a step away from him. Waited, and then he took a step closer to me so that he was touching me again. Man, did my skin tingle like anything. I couldnt beleive that Tangi had feelings for me. the next day my car was working so I didnt need to catch a ride, I had parked my car. We did the usual email each other at work. I finished work and was walking to my car, and i saw a piece of paper on my windshield. I honestly thought that it was a ticket. Ripped it off my windscreen and saw that it was a note from Tangi saying that because I had a banana, he will treat me to tim tams and hot chocolate on a cold night and that i needed to ring him to collect my reward. so i rang him once i got home and left a message on his phone since he was working. he rang me back straight away and all i could do was giggle...uncontrollably. He started laughing while talking to me sexy as because i was giggling. We confirmed time and place and everything. Man i felt like a dork who was still in high school because of how i reacted when he was talking to me. After we hung up, I started making him a card. I cut up a piece of card, glued some flax onto it and some paua shells and it looked pretty flash. Write in it just saying how much i appreciate him and what he does for me and that we seem to awesome times with each other. i had to crawl over everything in his room (which was the garage outside my folks place) to get ot his bed to put the card on it. He picked me up later that night and took me to the hill behind my folks place. Its called Tills Lookout. Tangi told me to wait in the car, while he went and did something. He came back and said ok lets go. So got out of the car and started to walk around the bush to get to the base of the hill. Where it gets steep, Tangi says ' hop on my back' me ' i'm not hopping on your back, i'll break your back or worse, you'll drop me' But tangi kept insisting so i jumped on his back and he piggy backed me all the way up this steep hill. man, what stamina and strength to carry me up that hill. hahahaha. At the top of the hill, there was a picnic laid out with hot chocolate and tim tams. it was wonderful and it was under the stars and it was definately cold. he also had an extra blanket there just for us. It was awesome. And he definately got my letter, and thats all he could talk about. hehehe. By the end of the week, I was gushing hard out for him. but thats enough for now, will have to continue this story later. hahaha.

Summer time makeshift pool

Isnt it funny. Mum told me to fill some buckets up with water and let the kids play with it out the back. I was like' nah thats dumb' As soon as she left, I thought. thats a good idea. hahaha. So, here's the kids today with their makeshift pool until they get a proper one.

Crashed my Car

Well, now just before you freak out. No one in my car was hurt. Don't know about the other car because it took off, but everyone in my vehicle was ok. It was just me and my niece Kajsa in the car. We were going to pick up Dionte from the gym cause it was raining but decided to go down past the temple down Collins Road way to Melville because it would cut all the traffic out. On the way, before we got to the railway lines, we were following a car with a trailer on the back. Now it was still day time but raining so the roads were slick anyways. We were getting closer to the railway lines and had slowed down a bit. Then the lights on the railway lines starrted flashing. And the car in front of us just stopped out of nowhere. You couldnt see any back lights on and you couldnt tell it was stopping until it had stopped. There was no where for me to go but rear end this car. My car ended up pushing the car onto the railway tracks so they speed up and went onto the other side of tracks and this all happened before the gates had even come down. The train came, I checked to make sure that Kajsa was ok and hopped out of the car to inspect the damage. The bonnet was bent up, one light smashed, one had popped out, the front of the car had been pushed inwards. I turned around to see where the other was, and they had already started driving. I didnt even get the licence plate or anything. Just a kinda description of the car. Drove to my brothers house to call the police and report the accident. Rang around and told the family what had happened. Checked again to make sure Kajsa was ok. I was soo ticked off that this happened right before Christmas. I take responsibility for me not stopping sooner, funny thing was, i had my eyes on the car in front of me the entire time, i wasnt tailgating, speeding or anything. But i still couldnt gage that they hadnt stopped until it was too late. So now, its waiwai express all the way.

Family Trip to Raglan

Well, we went to the beach yesterday. It was so hot that we just had to make the most of it. Me, Dupri, Pearl, Jaxon, Dionte, Kajsa, Tuaite and Tyler all went. Had a pretty good time. Pearl did not want to touch the water. She was fine if u took her out but once she touched the water, the legs would go up and the hands would dig into yours and her face screwed up and tears pouring out of her eyes. hahahaha. She enjoyed the beach tho. Jax had just gone for a surf, the waves were pretty small, excellent for learners. So it was a good day all round. I had another pic of Dionte scoping herself out on her camera. hahaha. couldnt fit it into this blog. stink. but i will tho so watch out Dionte. hahahaha.

Dupri kept on asking me 'mum, eyes, MUM EYES!!!!" I couldnt figure out what he meant till I saw the goggles. haha. Told him what they were called and put them on him. He didnt want to take them off at all.

Dionte and Tuaite took Pearl out to the water. She still didnt like it. Oh well, one of these days she will be a water baby.

Dupri didnt want to wear anything for his togs, so he was all commando. He cracked me up. Would run up to the water and when the next wave came, he would take off. And then run back, wave came and he would take off again. hahaha. Thats pretty much how his day went. I made sure that they wouldnt burn, packed them with sunscreen and what do i do, I forgot about the hard to reach places on my back. So now, I'm the one with the sunburn and not anyone else. It doesnt hurt at all tho, so thats good. Or maybe my pain threshold has gone up again. We were all so tired when it was time to go. I couldve stayed for another couple hours but the kids needed some sleep and quiet time. I wanted to at least have a swim, but of course, now the outings are no longer about me, but just to make sure that the kids are having fun.

So that was pretty much our day, it was heaps of fun. Man my flab really comes out when I'm wearing my swimmers. Gosh, definately need to get the gym a really good go. And my eating. thats just in the pits. hahaha. Ah well, Beach was fun. Was kool hanging out with the family.

Superman and Batman

Pearl had eaten her yoghurt and then made a start onto Dupri's one too. What a piggy!! She was enjoying it like crazy tho.

Superman and Batman LOL

Mannnnn both my kids think that they are either Batman, Superman or Spiderman. Pearl gets into it because Dupri is. So made them some capes yesterday and they went for gold with their capes. The last couple days have been a rollercoaster of feelings. A bit of everything at the moment. I was talking with my sisinlaw yesterday Dionte about what people didnt know about what me and Tangi had to deal with while he was sick.Yeah there was the physical aspect to everything with having to deal with the Leukemia itself. But noone, not even the nurses (only 2 of them) understood that we still had a marriage to try to keep alive. It was hard to have intimacy, I couldnt even hug my husband because he was either too sick, too tired or nurses coming in because they're doing their job, or visitors just not going away. It was really annoying when I would come up to see him and he was tired from the visitors who had come to see him. And he had no energy left for me and the kids. It was hard for a wife, going throughout your marriage of never letting each other go, being able to go to bed with each other and then all of a sudden, he has to stay somewheree else and u can't touch him because he was too sore or too sick to even touch the bed. It even got soo bad with me and Tangi that we both had thoughts about leaving each other thinking that it'll be easier on both of us to apart. Tangi didnt want us to see him go thru his pain, and I didnt want to be alone anymore. We ended up just leaving it for awhile and seeing how things go. My motherinlaw decided that she wanted to stay up with Tangi, that was really hard. She would take the kids out every now and then so that we could have alone time, but compared to having all day with him to only being able to have 5 minutes, it would make me angry. Wanting to talk to him just on my own but always having someoen just sitting there in the room with us. We werent able to have any couple time for a few weeks. No one understood that ourr marriage was still important. I was being told not to talk to my husband anymore because he shouldnt be bothered with anything. For me, it waas like, who the hell are you telling me what i can and cant' do in my own marriage. Get the hell out!!!!!

Me and Tangi spoke about it when he got a bit better. We would have occasional hugs and kisses, but even then it was really hard. Trying to make sure that he could try to bond iwth the kids but he found it really really hard, especially when he couldnt move at all. He couldnt hold the kids, he couldnt lift them up onto the bed himself, he couldnt even console them when they were crying. Most people just dont realise the stresses on a marriage when someone is sick for such a long time. and how hard it is to feel that intimacy which is vital to keeping a marriage alive. I was fine with not being able to have sex ever again. Because I knew it wasnt an option anymore, but to not have ANY intimacy was really hard. I wish things couldve been different. That certain people couldve listened more to us when we told them to leave and to give us space. I would get annoyed at the nurses too because a couple of them were really cold. I got soo annoyed at these few nurses that I asked for them not to anywhere near Tangi. The Physios were really kool, They were very flexible that when we had just arrived to see Tangi, he was able to ask them to come back so that we could have alone time. Tangi was only able to give me the time and energy on his better days, but he always tried his best when he wasnt feeling his best. Our last night together was the bestest feeling that I have ever had in such a long time. Its been almost a year and that was the best time I had with my husband since he got sick. Being able to lie with him again in our own home. It just felt right and I felt safe again. I'm hoping that whoever reads this, can understand some of the feelings that I've had. And the reasons why I was a pretty cold person at times.

Our house

This is our place. I put up these shelves all on my own. Theyre good and fixed into place with my ol Bob the Builder handyman skills. hahahahaha. So yeah, we're behind the house in our little sleepout next to the garage. its good in that, dont have to get into each others faces all the time. Hated living inside with mum cause all it was, why havent u cleaned up after the kids. and this is like 10 seconds after they made a mess and i was busy doing something. But its good being outside, can make our mess like little kids do and just throw a bucket of water on it to wash it away. hahahaha.

Trip to Hastings

Okay so now i've finally got my photos to upload onto my computer so here are some pics

This is my cuz's boy and Dupri hanging out in whakatu. And they were trying their best to get Dupri to take one of the puppies home. Man, I was like heyiiilllll no. Not until dupri can feed it and pick up its poos. Not me.