I dont know what it is exactly that makes me feel like I'm doing too much yet not enough. I like to feel constantly busy but i dont seem to have much to do. Weird.!
Anyways, havent done much other than pay bills and more bills. I really want to start getting into fundraising. i've decided that saving for the money is going to be wayy too hard and that I would much rather use that money to be able to go on a holiday or even to fix my car or put a deposit down on a new car. But of course i can't afford a new car, or a holiday. I'm trying to pay off some outstanding debts and then I will have more money to play around with. Having another person to take half the bills did make it easier but harder at the same time. its like as if, when u have a partner or somethng, your bills getting tripled because of whatever debt that they had. And also because of the extra food, power etc. But in reality you do get more money overall. So why is it that you still arent able to save much. Damn life and its never ending bills.
I have had a recurring dream of being on Ellen as a guest for writing a book. I'm still working on that side of things. My dad has always told me that I'm a good short story writer. I'm just working on a couple projects at the moment but can't seem to keep my mind on one track. so im' writing all over hte place and seeing how that goes and then will go back and tidy it up. And I've already got a line of people ready and willing to read what i've written. I've even had an offer for someone to be my publicist. So i'm hoping that I have enough motivation to just finish this book and then see if any publishers are interested in it and see what kinds of pointers they have to offer to make the book better and exciting for people to read. So yeah, i'm a bit tired. so i better get off and try to have a little bit of a rest.
its my dads birthday today he's 59. Geez what a fossilised old hogey he is. And he still bikes too and from work. And cause it's Hastings Stake temple week this week, we've got a house full of people, and my bro fro Aussie is coming over for song fest to be a judge. so much going on yet it feels boring at the same time. how ironic.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Follow up on my diet
Ok, so I've slipped up a couple times but I am honestly losing mass. The weight is staying at the same for the last 2 weeks which is awesome, at least it isnt increasing. hahaha. But my belly is getting slowly smaller, well either that or i'm getting stronger stomach musceles to hold the flab in a little bit better. Either way, I can fit into these jeans that were a whole lot too tight at one stage. So hopefully its not the denim thats stretching either. I've had comments that my face is getting skinnier which is good. But still have a long way to go.
Pearl has finally been able to stay in nursery for the entire 2 hours for the last 2 weeks. Just waited until she was completely immersed in playing with the toys and then I would sneak out which was better than saying bye to her. Because otherwise she packs up a huge fuss and no one can calm her down. She's getting better at it tho, ot learn to go outside her comfort zone.
I had a dream the other night of me being interviewed by Ellen Degeneres over in America. And that I had written a book that blew up all over the world. And then she asked me ot get up and sing. And I was mega awesome and everyone was clapping and cheering. hahaha, still it was only a dream. For some reason, I've been having this feeling that something really huge is missing in my life. That even though I'm happy where I am, I don't feel whole.
And then I know that this will never happen, but I always wonder what it wouldve been like if I never had kids, I would be able to totally immerse myself in self pity and just work and work until I could go over to America and lose myself in everything over there. Oh well, I have been having pretty strong thoughts about seeing what its like over in America. Even for a couple months to a year and see if its a place that i would be happy, a different atmosphere and culture. I don't know. But in regards to having a job to be able to support us, its a little bit different. Or i could jsut have one of those arranged marriages for convenience to an american and then i can fly to and from america whenever i wanted and it wouldnt matter. hahaha. far out, what crazy stuff huh! I've been missing the adventure of life and also missing my hubby who shared that adventure with me. My kids are too young to enjoy it just yet and I don't really have anyone else who can come along for hte ride. It sometimes gets frustrating that all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and disappear. But I can't.
I love my calling, it keeps me busy and the ladies that i work with, they're pretty amazing. We've all had our trials and some of us are still going thru some, but they're so awesome to work with. they are really good for the girls. I've had to slow myself down a few times so that i'm doing my calling and not eveyrone elses. hahaha. but more so, i keep reminding myself that i'm only the secretary and nothing else. I havnt done much with my schoolwork., but tried to finish the second assignment. which is getting harder since i can't concentrate that well with the kids at home with me. So i'm still waiting for pearl to get a place in the daycare down the road so i can commit more time to schoolwork. And then i'll have less cleaning ot do throughout the day. oh the joys of motherhood.
Sometimes i wonder if I really felt like this with Tangi alive and healthy. And to be honest, yeah i did feel like i wasnt completely whole, like i needed to do something more with myself but just couldnt figure out exactly what it was. Tangi knew there was something a little off but i just want to experience more of life. My goals at the moment is trying ot finish my certificate in Travel Consultant. Then once i'm finished that I might look at going to school fulltime or partime and getting a partime/fulltime job. But i definatley want to be able to travel with my kids. So that they can say that they had an awesome childhood wth lots of fun and laughter. Its the memories that matter the most to me. Nothing else is really a priority but the memories.
Pearl has finally been able to stay in nursery for the entire 2 hours for the last 2 weeks. Just waited until she was completely immersed in playing with the toys and then I would sneak out which was better than saying bye to her. Because otherwise she packs up a huge fuss and no one can calm her down. She's getting better at it tho, ot learn to go outside her comfort zone.
I had a dream the other night of me being interviewed by Ellen Degeneres over in America. And that I had written a book that blew up all over the world. And then she asked me ot get up and sing. And I was mega awesome and everyone was clapping and cheering. hahaha, still it was only a dream. For some reason, I've been having this feeling that something really huge is missing in my life. That even though I'm happy where I am, I don't feel whole.
And then I know that this will never happen, but I always wonder what it wouldve been like if I never had kids, I would be able to totally immerse myself in self pity and just work and work until I could go over to America and lose myself in everything over there. Oh well, I have been having pretty strong thoughts about seeing what its like over in America. Even for a couple months to a year and see if its a place that i would be happy, a different atmosphere and culture. I don't know. But in regards to having a job to be able to support us, its a little bit different. Or i could jsut have one of those arranged marriages for convenience to an american and then i can fly to and from america whenever i wanted and it wouldnt matter. hahaha. far out, what crazy stuff huh! I've been missing the adventure of life and also missing my hubby who shared that adventure with me. My kids are too young to enjoy it just yet and I don't really have anyone else who can come along for hte ride. It sometimes gets frustrating that all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and disappear. But I can't.
I love my calling, it keeps me busy and the ladies that i work with, they're pretty amazing. We've all had our trials and some of us are still going thru some, but they're so awesome to work with. they are really good for the girls. I've had to slow myself down a few times so that i'm doing my calling and not eveyrone elses. hahaha. but more so, i keep reminding myself that i'm only the secretary and nothing else. I havnt done much with my schoolwork., but tried to finish the second assignment. which is getting harder since i can't concentrate that well with the kids at home with me. So i'm still waiting for pearl to get a place in the daycare down the road so i can commit more time to schoolwork. And then i'll have less cleaning ot do throughout the day. oh the joys of motherhood.
Sometimes i wonder if I really felt like this with Tangi alive and healthy. And to be honest, yeah i did feel like i wasnt completely whole, like i needed to do something more with myself but just couldnt figure out exactly what it was. Tangi knew there was something a little off but i just want to experience more of life. My goals at the moment is trying ot finish my certificate in Travel Consultant. Then once i'm finished that I might look at going to school fulltime or partime and getting a partime/fulltime job. But i definatley want to be able to travel with my kids. So that they can say that they had an awesome childhood wth lots of fun and laughter. Its the memories that matter the most to me. Nothing else is really a priority but the memories.
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