Already in the Christmas spirit!!! hahahaha Cute aye

........

Today wasn't too bade of a day. i'm getting ticked off at all these flies that don't seem to go away, because I'm looking at about 12 flies right now flying around in my room. I've tried the fly spray, but they still fly around. They don't die till 10 minutes later. Mortein should get their Cockroach spray over in Aussie to be brought over here. Then we won't be wasting our time trying to chase after these dumb flies. Instead they will be 'dropping like flies' should. hahahaha.

Now it's been a couple days without updating how we have been. Dupri is drinking a lot now that I'm filling up the bottles with water every half hour, since that's how long it takes for him to drink it. hhahahaha. He's pretty clever. I put him and his sister in the backyard and locked the gate so that they can't escape. hahaha. But about 2 minutes later, they both come running back into the house. I couldnt figure it out thinking that I didnt lock it properly so I put them out the back again. And lo and behold, they got out again. So again I put them out back and this time I watched from the window. I saw Dupri jump up onto the gate and then unhook the lock and Pearl swinged the gate open. .................................. Clever huh!!!! I'm definately in for trouble with these two.

Pearl is pulling tantrums now. And she hasn't even hit the terrible twos yet. So I'm guessing the attitude will get worse when she does hit the two stage. Her and Dupri fight so much. He will be doing something, and she'll come along and start screaming trying to take that thing that he's playing with off him. But she won't stop screaming, so I go and have a look at whats going on. All I can see is Dupri not sharing, but man, she's learnt pretty fast how to get her own way. Pearl will be doing something that she's not supposed to be doing, and Dupri will come along and start growling her yelling 'Don't touch that, don't touch that'. Kids huh......

I got my first papers for my course, I managed to read thru the first assignment and lesson, but it was a bit of a struggle with the kids wanting attention and fighting with each other. I've been yelling all day. My patience is not even anywhere near where it used to be. I can control it, but I don't want to control it. Even tho I can see what its teaching my kids, I just don't want to change. And I know that it will help lots to try a different way of thinking and speaking, but trying to get my kids to that is pretty tough too. When a certain way, like talkiing softer means nothing to them, it's just a joke. But when you start getting sterner, they kind of listen. It actually takes for you to stand up and start walking over to them for them to stop what they're being growled for. It's soooo annoying. And now that they have that 'no smacking' law in, You feel like you can't discipline your kids in public. I have had heaps of times that my son plays up on me while in public and I talking to him softly is not going ot work, because he's doing a massive tantrum and all you want to do is take him to the car to give him the laying on of hands. I've asked about parenting classes but havent heard back from any of them.
I think it's more the frustration of not being able to have Tangi to lighten the load, Missing him more than anything. There are days where my body literally aches for him, where I don't have any control over it. All I can do is cry. I havent been to the cemetary for a couple weeks now because my car is not drivable at the moment. I'm definately going to spend New Years with my babe at least.

Just now, my daughter Pearl walked across our VERY BUSY road. I didn't know she had done that at all till my mum called out for me. Man, that scared me. Thinking that if these people didn't slow down for her, I couldve lost her.

The annoying dramas of the funeral

Have you ever thought that one day you will marry someone other than your better half???? If you're with someone at the moment, I don't think you can. At the funeral, I had someone say to me that I had to think about the future and that I'm going to move on and Tangi will be by himself so I should let him go to Tokoroa and I forget him now.
Man, just that there what that person said, I was soo angry at this comment, because who would think about moving on at a time like that. You would think that a funeral would bring people together to enjoy each others company and to give support to the partner left behind. Now just letting you know first, Yeah I still really bitter about what happened, actually I'm still feeling pretty angry but I'm slowly getting over it. I guess I just want whoever does read this, to not feel like they're alone if and when this happens to them.

Me and Tangi talked about everything, and one of the things we talked about was his funeral. The main thing that we had talked about is where we both wanted to be buried. Now as you know, I'm from Hastings and Tangi is from Tokoroa. I'm maori and Tangi is Cook Island. Just that in itself was a huge clash. Me and Tangi had spoken about if we had everything in Hastings because there's the family marae and everythiing would be taken care of, except thats not Tangi's hometown. And then Tokoroa had all the facilities there to cater for a huge funeral as well and it was Tangi's hometown. The only problem is that I didnt want to go to Tokoroa. So we decided that since we met in Hamilton and we got married in Hamilton and that he got treated for cancer in Hamilton, why not stay here in Hamiton. It was neutral grounds for both families and we would be happy to have the services and everything here in Hamilton. So thats what we had decided.
Now when it came to telling Tangi's mum. I left him to do it. I don't know the exact conversation but I do know that she was very upset. And that they both ended up arguing about it because she wanted him to go to Tokoroa.
When Tangi told me what had happened, I was really upset that his mum acted how she did yet I was not suprised. I had already seen the impact that his parents especially his mother played on our marriage. It got to the point for me that I didnt want anything to do with her. Tangi would listen to a lot of things to do with her.
There was a rumour that went around that Tangi had passed away. It had started from a friend who came in to see him at the hospital (but because there was another Tangi Tarai from Tokoroa who passed away) they mistook him for the wrong person. So it went around Tokoroa that he passed away and they had automatically arranged everything to be done down there. When I heard about what had happened, I was pretty angry. I was angry at the friend for jumping to conclusions, I was angry at the receptionist who had told the friend, I was angry at Tangi's mum, I was angry at the Tokoroa people, I was angry at the Cook Island community. I told Tangi about how I was feeling and that not one person, not even his sisters, had picked up the phone to see if it was true for one, and hadn't even asked me, what I wanted to do. Not one person.
Because to be quite honest, I always felt that I was pretty insignificant in Tangi's life when it came to his family and friends. That no one really acknowledged me as the person that he devoted his life to and the woman that he married. so I was pretty upset. I was appreciative of the effort that went into everything, but not of the fat that no one spoke to me about it. So at least that was only a preview of what was to come.
We had a meeting the morning that Tangi passed away. Me and Tangi were talking to our family who had come to express our views and concerns of what was to come in regards to Tangi's health and supplies that we needed. Tangi's Dad spoke up and said that he wanted Tangi to go down to Tokoroa, even just for one night. Automatically I was thinking 'heyill no', but I thought about it. So after the meeting finished, it was just me and Tangi in the room, and we talked about how the meeting went, and what we would do with his Dad's comment. I told Tangi that I didnt have a good feeling about him going down to Tokoroa because I felt very strongly that he wouldnt come back to me. And that if he went down there, only those from Tokoroa would be able to pay respects and no one else. So I said to him that i thought that EVERYTHING should stay in Hamilton. Tangi agreed that that was the best idea. Unfortunately Tangi passed away before he was able to tell his family what we had discussed with each other.
Tangi passed away later that night and his family came into the room, after his mum finished her initial grieving, the first she asked was when would he be going down to Tokoroa. I had to tell her that he's not going at all. He is to stay here in Hamilton. She was upset so I told her about our conversation right before he went to sleep. And she seemed ok about it but still upset. Tangi's sister's looked ok with the decision and so did his father. My family were already setting everything up for the funeral and it was going ahead here in Hamilton. What suprised me was that I had a feeling that they thought it was all about my family. they never said anything but that was the feeling i got. An Uncle rang up, now this is the Uncle that Tangi really looked up to. He was the Uncle that Tangi made sure that I met him, He was the Uncle that brought Tangi and his family into the church, this was the Uncle that tangi called his 2nd dad. so I had a lot of respect for this man because of how Tangi felt about him. When he was talking on the phone to Tangi's mum, he was insisting that Tangi go to Tokoroa. She explained to him that no he is staying here. But he kept insisting that the facilities were already there and that is his home.
Now something that I hadnt spoken to anyone about is that, Tangi always felt safe and at home with me. So wherever I was, that was his home. And he felt comfortable in the home that I had made for our family. There were a few requests that Tangi made that he wanted of his Uncle. But his Uncle couldnt meet most of those requests. I started losing respect for this Uncle. He had explained that because he lived all the way up north, that he couldnt come empty handed and needed to go diving to get some kaimoana. When I look at it in hindsight, I see what he was saying, but at the time, I was furious that he would deny his nephews request.
The next day was a whole nother drama. A couple people came to pay their respects, 2 men came in who were representing the Cook Island Community. Now when they came in, they went over and kissed Tangi's mum and her friend first, and then after she pointed to me saying that I was his wife, they came over and acknowledged my mother but not me. Man I was reaching boiling point. And then to top it off, they were only speaking Island so I didnt understand anything that they were saying. So by that time, I was nearly about to throw them out of mine and Tangi's home. My Dad did the whole welcoming thing and they went back to speaking Island. How disrespectfal, to come into my home and not even acknowledge me for one and then to not even acknowledge my father. Then I saw the CI women point to me talking to this guy. And so he started mumbling to me, and i couldnt understand what he was saying because it was a very quiet mumble. Yet when he was talking CI, it was very loud and clear. It had to take someone else, my sister in law, who is CI to explain to me what was going on and this was after they had all left. I lost a hell of a lot of respect for the CI community and culture. I was very disappointed that because I was only a maori that I didnt deserve any acknowledgment regardless of my marriage to Tangi. Later that night, we had a meeting to discuss the particulars about what and where exactly everything would be. I wanted Tangi to stay where he was that everyone will just have to sit outside and listen in instead of being transported from place to place. It was a lot of unnecessary travel and stress. Tangi's mum spoke up and said that the Uncle from up North had already said that if nothing is organised to his standard that they would take Tangi whether I like it or not. What a nerve, really !!!!! To threaten me with that. And then one of my brothers spoke up about the sleeping arrangements, that he wasn't happy with them. And then I had a cousin sitting next to me complaining about where they're going to sleep. How do you react to that. I literally wanted to go into the bathroom and slice my wrists so that I could be with Tangi instead of putting up with all this crap. Having to put up with everyone else demands and no thought into how this would affect me, HIS WIFE. I had said that everybody was welcome to come and pay respects, that they could sing and talk and mingle with him, but it had to be in Hamilton. But obviously that was just waayyyy too much to ask of anybody.
The next day, the threats were still there, they were still being said, and so was the complaining of the marae that was organised for those who needed a place to stay. At one point, my cousin came and told me that she was going to take me to the Marae so that I could have a look at it. I hadnt been to see nor did I care. Because I had put all my trust into my Brother Roman and my Dad to make sure everything was organised that I didnt have to oversee everything, so that I could just stay and be with Tangi. Tangi's parents were trying their best to get Tangi's side to understand why Tangi was staying here in Hamilton. And in the end, they managed to convince them and no one actually came to take Tangi away from me.
Those people who were total eggs apologised for how they acted and reacted except for one person. I'm still trying to get over it and this has been really therapeutic but I still feel a bit angry about it. I have lost respect for a couple people during that time. One thing I know is that Tangi will want me to just move on from those things and not to dwell on it for too long. I hope that it does happen soon because I still feel the hurt that I felt when all those things were being said.

One thing I do definately want to say, Is thank you to those who did stay and support me, and not because they felt sorry for me, but because they were there for me ever since we found out about Tangi's Cancer. They have helped me to keep going and have and are still trying to keep me sane. I'm sure that it's not very easy being in their shoes but I'm grateful for everything that they've done. All the help that was given during the funeral was amazing and we wouldnt have been able to pull it off without your help.

Can't sleep

It's now 1.12am Monday and I feel the heaviness in my eyes, but not anything else. I have tried closing my eyes, in fear that I would go to sleep. Not for the rest, but I seem to not be able to remember any of my dreams lately. I imagine that when i'm dreaming, Tangi comes to me and we sit and talk. I think that thats what happening but I can't remember anything. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be because I know that I would be asking Tangi what it's like there and who he's seen and if he's talked to our baby yet or our 2 nieces. We had a miscarriage in between Dupri and Pearl. Yes it was devastating but when we were pregnant with Pearl, that hole was filled up with the joy that we are able to have another baby. Right before Tangi started his Chemotherapy treatments, we were told that it could leave Tangi infertile. That was pretty scary for me especially, because I saw us having at least 2 or 3 more kids. So we got the Dr's to organise for us to store some of Tangi's (soldiers). Now because it's Australia, yes they do do that because they have different laws to NZ. One thing thats been on my mind for quite a while is that I still want another baby. The pro's of it, is that Me and Tangi have 3 kids, I get another baby to keep me company. The cons of it, Tangi won't be there still to help raise the child, I won't get any rest from night feeds, the other 2 will keep waking up from the crying, I have to go thru pregnancy again, mood swings, bad attitude, more fatness, and possible postnatal depression. There's a lot more con's than pros. Do I really think I'm ready for this. To actually go thru with not being able to depend on my husband for strength during my labour. He's the reason why I made it through both of the births. With Dupri, I was getting too weak to continue, with Pearl, I gave birth to her in our van. In both instances, Tangi was there to keep me focused, his touch was welcomed whereas everyone else felt like razors.
I know that this is all over the place with what I'm writing, maybe it's the tiredness finally setting in, i don't know.
Me and Tangi read a book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. What was good in there, was that it made me realise that women (myself) just talk our problems through until we figure out what the real reason is. Whereas guys, will just either hold it in but when ready to let it out, get straight to the point and thats it. I would talk to Tangi for hours complaining about one little thing and end up figuring out 4 hours later why I'm angry. The power of a womans mind. Man.
Sometimes I have thoughts about what wouldve happened if it was me who got the cancer. What would Tangi have done. He said that he wouldve sent the kids away and dealt with me himself. He wouldve brought me home and taken care of me himself. And you know what!!! I know he wouldve, because thats how much he loves me. So why couldnt I do that for him. I was too busy worrying about the kids and trying to make sure that their foundations were set. For me, it was important that their early years had me or him in it. I never ever wanted anyone else to raise my kids for me. I even agreed at one point to let the Dr's send Tangi to a resthome because it was better for all of us. I have always beat myself up for agreeing with Tangi with that decision. I had told him that no i want him to come home, but he told me that no, it wasnt fair on me, to look after him and both of the kids. I had even thought about getting rid of the kids myself so that I could focus on Tangi. But it was the kids that has pulled me through all this. I knew that Tangi was being looked after, but it was me and the kids that needed a bit of looking too. Me, well i'm looking after myself.
Well it's 1.31am and my eyes are finally getting tired now. had a 3 minute sleep in between paragraphs ahhahaha.
So good news anyways, I have signed up for an online course doing Travel Consultant Course. Which will lead me to a complete Tavel and Tourism Certificate. And it should all be completed by the time I am ready to go back to work. Which won't be for another 2 maybe 3 years. I'm going to make sure that my children have the best mother until they start school. Then I will be officially SUPERMUM!!!!! I just need a few more years to accomplish that title.

Ok me back in good mood again

This was our first picture together. It was taken outside the ASB building in Hamilton City. I worked on level 4 and Tangi on level 6. This was our lunchbreak.

Now that i'm feeling a bit better today, i'm still spazzing at the kids but at least the frustration isn't staying allllll day.

So as I was saying in my blog below about how me and Tangi ended up hooking up.

Ok It was a Sunday, and me and a couple friends decided to make dinner for the boys. It was really kool. Us girls, we made salmon on crackers, nuts and fruit for entree and then mains was the traditional roasties with a summer salad on the side. And dessert was a humungus icecream sundae. YUMMMM!!!! And the boys thought so too. Tangi was one of those boys that had come for dinner. We kept on looking at each other across the table. One of our mates, Albie knew that we liked each other and he was making of Tangi. Albie would nudge Tangi in the arm and go 'cher bro' hahaha. Tangi was confused as, didnt know what Albie was going on about but all i could do was stifle a giggle. We all ended up just sitting and laughing after everything finished and just enjoyed everyones company. I went out and was looking for Tangi cause he wasnt where we were. And he was sitting out on the deck outside. So i went out and sat with him. We started talking about the stars and how beautiful they looked. We spoke about the dinner and what everyone was doing and saying. We talked about the week leading up this day. I kept tellling him that I felt safe with him, that he made me feel special and that I thought he was an amazing guy. I was saying that stuff to him for about 4 hours. And then................ Tangi spoke up and said, 'Um I want to tell you something but I dont know how you'll take it?' So I was like 'ok then, go ahead' And Tangi said ' I think I like you'. Man was I relieved or what, I thought he was going to say he didnt like me and wanted to go or something. So I said 'Yeah I already know, I was waiting for you realise it' then it was silent for a moment so I broke it by saying ' So what do you want to do about it then, do we just stay friends or do we become a couple' And Tangi asked what I wanted to do and so i said that I wanted to become more than friends. He said ' Yeah so do I' After that I couldnt really think straight cause I was soooo happy. And then we OFFICIALLY became a couple. During this entire time, we had never touched each other, we didnt hug or anything, the only thing we did was the 'hi' kiss and thats it. So when he went to leave he asked me if we could hug. For me, I was like, isnt this a bit too soon. And he was like, No, cause we're a couple now so why not. So we had a huge hug and it felt great. The feeling I got was I was safe, I was loved, I was needed, I was precious. And that feeling never left me, even right up to the day Tangi died. Even now, I know he still feels that way about me. We had organised to go watch the Balloons at 5am the next morning. So he came and picked me up and went to the balloons. It was really wonderful to be able to go to them with someone, and that someone was now my boyfriend. hehehe. My Boyfriend. Now that was something that I wasnt used to saying. He started calling me 'Babe' straight away, yet again something I wasnt used to. It took me about 2 days to start calling him 'Babe' back and not feel weird saying it. So it would just roll off my tongue without thinking. We were watching the Balloons and he put his arms around me. Another thing I was not used to. But that quickly subsided. I was really blown away at how touchy feely Tangi was. I was thinking that the occasional hug and that would be what we would be doing. But man, it escalated a lot sooner than that. I would go and pick him up everyday after work and we would go have dinner. This one night, I had chicken and salad and drinks. So we went to the Rose Gardens to have dinner under the stars. I told him it was surprise. we got out of the car and I set up the diinner on the hill overlooking the lake at the gardens. It was a clear night, beautiful stars and a bit of clouds, the grass was wet and the air was FREEZING. Man, I couldnt stop shivering at all so Tangi tried to make me warmer by hugging me but it wasnt working. He put his hand on my face, and i thought, 'ok this is it, he's going to kiss me' but he just stayed there, hand on my face and looking into my eyes. I was still waitiing for the next step to happen, but no he continued to stay where he was. So i suggested we pack up the picnic and head back to the car. We went to the car and I remembered that I had this really nice song that we could listen to. Turned it on and it was the Luther Vandross and Beyonce version of 'The Closer I get to You'. He took my hand and took me to the side of the car, and asked me to dance. I was buzzing hard out because we were dancing in a carpark. Wow!!!! Dancing in the carpark under the stars Wow!!!! It was really romantic and then the next song came on by Brian McKnight 'Love of my Life' and we kept dancing. Then the song by Kc and Jojo ' This very moment'. My gosh, was that the shiz or what. hahaha. We kept on having awesome dates like that. I told him one day that we had pretty been dating the entire time, just not officially. And he was a bit confused. So I explained that a date isnt something that confined to an exclusive couple, a date is any couple who is on their own having fun. So we were actually dating for at least a year. So when we decided to take things further, it just felt right. We already knew about each other, didnt have to go thru the motions of all those questions that you find out on the actual first date. We were friends first and thats how every relationship should start I reckon. yeah, there's that risk of not being able to go back as friends if it doesnt work out but hey, it's worth the risk isnt it. Tangi rang up his Mum to tell her the news. She knew who I was because her and Tangi's sister Temaru had come over to the house one time. His mum came inside and asked for some lemons, so I helped her pick some off the lemon tree. I came back inside and Tangi came in and was like, 'My mum thinks I should I date you' And was i was like ' ok, so what did you say' and he said ' oh I told no I can't because i'm already dating someone'. Man, in my head I was thinking ' Yeah, why dont you date me, whats wrong with me' hahaha. Me being selfish. But ah well. A week and a half after we decided to make our friendship a relationship, we decided that we should get married. and not that it was rushed or anything, but it felt right. We thought that we better fast about it first before we did anything or say anything to anyone. So we started our fast at night. Tangi was wasnt working that day anyways, so he decided to go to the temple to get his answer there. While I went to work. I was working at a call center for a power company ' Genesis Energy' It was really stressful dealing with people's power problems. That day tho, I didn't run out of patience, I literally felt like I was floating on air. Later on thruout the day, we met up. I decided that I'd tell him that my answer was a Yes. He wanted to wait until after his fast finished before he said anything. So I was nervous as and was waiting for the next day to hurry up and come. He came over to my house to pick me up from work and yeah, his answer came back as a Yes. We were then OFFICIALLY ENGAGED. I literally couldnt see myself with anybody else. I really loved Tangi, even before I realised that I did, I loved him. And he loved me, he loved me soo much that everyone else knew that he did, he showed it very openly and lovingly. So that was our journey to how we got together. There's another whole story about the lead up to the wedding which is quite a lengthly read too. But that's another day.