Moved house

I have now moved house and am now living in Enderly, Hamilton. It's a really awesome place and the neighbours aren't that bad. But now hopefully now I can get more of a break from my kids than before. i have asked to have more breaks because I am startin to get unhinged from barely any breaks and constantly hving my kids around. i love my kids to pieces and love them around. But tangi was my outlet and he worked really well. And my show has finished now and so now i'm trying to find something else to keep me busy. am now seeing a grief and loss counsellor. had a pretty rough couple of weeks and went a bit mental. so needed to get some help. so yeah, thats about it at the moment.

An immature 20 something

Ok, now I realise that some people just don't grow up and I also realise that some people can be nasty. But oh my gosh, I have had a pretty catty saturday night.

Now what's happened is that there is a girl who I perform with who really likes my dance partner. My dance partner is a pretty average looking guy but I wouldn't look at him twice in the street. And I was getting ready to go out on the town in the changing rooms at the theatre and she comes up to me and says 'Are you dressing up to impress 'this guy' ' And I turned around and said to her 'Why would I want to impress 'this guy' if i have other guys around the place.' And she said to me 'Oh, do you have guys? Who are these guys Harmony?' I looked at her and turned around and walked out.
Now that was pretty catty. Apparently tho not many people like her at all because she is catty. She says it in a nice way but when you go over it in your head, it's really nasty.

And also today, I helped Amber clean her gross flatmates lounge/kitchen out. It was so disgusting. The fridge/freezer had mould all through it and everything. I was dry retching because it was so disgusting. But Amber went and bought a vacuum cleaner from Forlongs and we bumped into her mum. She was about to walk straight past me ignoring me, but I went right up to her and said 'Hi' and gave her a kiss on the cheek. And then she walked off. It felt so awkward but I said to Amber, I need to be nice to her because eventually, she's going to have to accept that I'm Amber's friend. But then again, she doesnt' have to either. I'm just not going ot be rude to her.

Well, overall I'm having quite a bit of fun and can't wait for the end of the year. I'm trying to get my butt into gear to finish Tangi's headstone so that it can get erected. I feel that I had my time with my husband and it felt really fulfilling. I was able to just relax and unwind next to him. And now I feel that I can accept his entire extended family to be a part of the actual unveiling. So, will see what happens. But if it's not ready on time, then I won't rush it. Becuase I want it looking perfect before it goes up

MMM

Do you ever feel like your chest is crushing.

It's been feeling a little bit weird lately. My mood swings have been pretty massive. So when I'm having a really low day, which consists of constant snapping and just sitting there sulking and then the littlest thing that I usually would just brush off just sends me over the edge. I had that feeling yesterday. And to try to pull myself out of it, I took a caffiene pill to perk me up. And because I needed to get my head in a space ready to perform.

As for the musical, the shows have been going pretty good. I've recognised some people in the audience, if they're in the front then I can see them pretty clearly. But only once did it throw me completely off. Luckily my dance partner had a good hold of me and kept me up. Geez. But on the other hand I am having a blast. But the dramas and gossip going on backstage makes me feel like I'm back at high school. With the adults acting like teenagers. And it's only one or two of them. Whereas the actual immature people are 17. So yeah. It's definately an experience. But I have an inkling that I am loved. hahahaha.

Anyways, I better start getting ready because I have 2 shows to do today so it's going to be a very long day.

Need to get into the game faster

I have calculated that I have lost 15kgs so far since Christmas. And I still have another 15kgs to lose. Now I know that my fat stomach and bits here and there need a definate toning and should be as easy as just cutting it right off. But hey, along with the weightloss is the browning up as well that needs to be done. One summer, I did sun capsules so that when I did go to the beach, I was already brown and also so that my skin wouldn't sizzle. It would've been already used to the sun so I would get a little red but not lobster red. Which usually happens when you go to the beach for a whole day and forget to keep reappling the sun lotion. hahahaha.

Anyways, Opening night for the musical was awesome as. I had so much fun. We got a standing ovation and overheard guests praising the show and our performance. So it was really good.

I have just printed out 2 sets of photocopies of certificates and stuff to send to the the other 2 superannuation places to see if I can claim back on them. So hopefully it works. But now I need to follow up on the first one I sent stuff to to see if they recieved the documents because i havent' recieved any word yet. So hopefully i can get some cash soon and get this headstone finished.

I'm seriously contemplating making a joint unveiling. Mostly because I have had my private day with Tangi. And now I don't mind sharing the day. So, I think that it's going to make his side of the family very happy if i do include them both. And my bro Zappa and Kara will be able to be there for it as well. So yeah. The only dumb thing about the date is that it's exactly at the same time as the auditions for Miss Saigon. So, I'm hoping I can get a time that will be in the morning or mid morning sometime just to get it out of the way.

Life is ok but htings are a bit hard but trying to work through them as best as I can.

Having no internet sucks

Well now that I have officially disconnected my phone and internet, I feel like I'm cut off from the world. LOL!!!!!!

That's overexageration hard out. But oh well. I can be a drama queen if I really want to.

But this was just to check base to let you know that I am still alive and kicking. Ain't nothing happened yet that I can't handle. And I can handle a hell of a lot I've discovered. Just after having a HUGE VENT and then a whoooosaaaaahhhhh then I'm all good. hahahahha.

Unveiling Postponed

Ok, so now I've postponed the unveiling, some of the stress has kind of come off. But the financial side of things are still looking the same. Am just trying to suss out as many ways to save money but still being realistic. But hey, that's an every day struggle.

Pearl has started daycare and absolutely loves it. It's good but now I feel at a loss when they're both gone. And they're growing up way too fast now. But it's good.

Dupri needs a haircut, it's looking too ugly now. Just a big boff on the top of his head. But he's a good big brother to his little sister.. Looks after her really well.

Luckily I have disconnected my phone and internet especially now that my car is due for another WOF and rego which includes, 2 new tyres and a headlight plus fix the back brake light. I'm due for another car but that's a luxury for the rich and famous.

Well i better go now anyways.

Breakthrough

Yahhh!!!!!

Ok since my whine in my last post I have now got a solution. I went to someone's place last night to have a look at signage. And they said that I could actually use it to put onto the stone as well so long as it's smooth enough for the signage to stick to it. So my dad was hard out trying to get the plaster as smooth as he possibly could all tonight since he got home. The headstone finish is looking pretty good the more my dad works on it. So tomorrow, I'm going to make sure that I get these stupid super papers certified and then post them off. And then get the permit paid for and handed in so the process can start on time. So hopefully that takes a bit of strain off of everything especially my insane moans. But yeah,my dad is sweet as with what I think and is just waiting for the plaster to dry so that we can see what it looks like.

Coming up a bit too fast

Now I'm starting to get people asking me what's happening with the unveiling so they can make their plans to come to it. I don't mind too much but I don't even know what's happening. It's not because i don't want it to happen, it's just that I've been finding it real hard to even do anything about it. It's like as if everything is just final. Like that's it. And I don't want that feeling but I can't shake it and it's just getting harder and harder every single day.

I haven't even done the permit to be able to install the headstone yet, I've got to wait for my dad to finish the headstone so that we can take it in to the engravers to get it done and then I have to wait for my brother to put a tamoko on the back of it. All the while, I have no money to get any of it done. And even tho I've had people ask me if I need anything, I can't bring myself to ask them for money especially with so much stuff happening at the moment. It just feels like it's getting a bit suffocating. I don't even have an ounce of courage to get these forms off to the superannuation companies that Tangi was with. Because once again, it's erasing him bit by bit. But it's like, I put on this brave face hoping that no one knows whats really going on and I must be doing a really great job because other than my dad, no one has come to say what they can do to help. It's still put back on me, which sounds lazy when i read back on it, but it's not that I'm lazy because i could get it all done in one day if i really wanted to. But it's just physically and emotionally hard for me to deal with any of it. And then on top of that, I've got my show which starts in a couple weeks so I've been trying to focus on being a convincing performer.

i had a talk with one of my mates the other day and i told him what i've been getting up to. It's not a lot of good stuff but I just told him that it numbs this feeling of feeling useless and worthless. It helps me to forget about whats happening and makes me happy for a little while. And he just listened. I told him about my need to help everyone el se around me and he jsut said, 'maybe you need to help yourself. stop focusing on how everyone else is coping with their things, focus on yourself and make yourself better first.' For me, I just told him that hey, i'm fine. i'm working through things alright. everyone else seems to think so. they don't think i'm grieving anymore and that i have some special superpower where i can push all of my feelings behind me. It's not true. But sometimes it feels like that when I'm trying to raise my two kids plus do my calling, plus do my show, plus try to organise my husbands unveiling, plus sort out my finances to try to help out my brother as much as i can, plus try to look at our own place to move into next year. It's not all that bad though. I am having fun. I can feel myself slipping tho.

Stay away from all men

Now that's something to think about. hahaha

Well, I was told this by my mum. It just sounded funny coming from her. But hey, it is good advice.

Jumping on the band wagon

hahaha

So I thought, man all these kats have got massive backgrounds and I couldn't find them. So I thought, what the hell I'll just go get one where everyone else is. So I decided on a grungey butterfly theme. Pretty kool colours and textures I think. lol.

The time is 10am and my children are already asking for chocolate icecream. Man, what little junk eaters. hahaha. It's only cause they saw that there was some icecream in the freezer and I bought them some icecream cones so they think they can have it whenever they want. Just as kids do.

Don't you hate it when you've just cleaned up and then they come along and just make a huge mess and make it look like you didn't clean up in the first place. Geez. I can't wait till they're a little older so the place can stay clean for at least a whole day or two.

hmmm

Saying goodnight to my kiddies

Saying goodnight to my kiddies consists of a hug, then a kiss, then wiggling our noses together, then giving each other butterfly kisses then another kiss and another hug then a string of 'goodnight mummy, goodnight my darling, i love you mummy, i love you my darling.' and then again with Pearl but instead of calling her darling, i call her my beautiful. And she repeats it as peu-fu-fuill. She's so gorgeous and so is dupri.

Now Im into the hard out rehearsals now where we sit and watch the entire show go through now. But because there are 2 casts of children we adults have to do it twice as much. Which I don't mind so much because it is quite fun to be there with everyone and just mingle. But i just have to make sure that i take my music with me so that i've got something to occupy me whilst rehearsals are on.

Today in Relief Society, I only went to about 15 minutes of it but one thing that stuck in my mind is that there are some parents who think that their child can do no wrong. that they would never go wayward, that there is no way they would ever do those things at all. And that as parents we need to just be there for them, because an angry reaction to what's being done may be the make or break of what that child ends up doing. Now I'm 25 and I feel the pressures of trying to live my life accordingly and that if I choose to do something that I want to do, I will be looked at as a failure to my parents and family. It's not that I don't want to go to church or anything like that, i really enjoy it, but I also enjoy everything else too. So I'm coming up with a delima. What is it that I have to do to be able to enjoy both worlds. Is it possible to do? How long before many people find out and I'm back to where I was before, a gossip subject. How long before everything in my life crumbles for good.

I have a friend, we've had our really rough times and have found each other to be friends once again. She's going through a hell of a time with her family, she also was seriously sick and just having a lot of personal issues, and she's choosing to do things on her own for awhile. But she's got friends who are really worried for her and care about what happens to her. they even come over and see how she is. I had to tell her that she is soo lucky that she has friends who do actually care about her, and that I never had that. The only person who really made an effort to make sure I was ok was Tangi. And it was an ongoing effort from him too. So much so that I reciprocated that effort and we became really good friends.
But it's definately made me think that maybe I wasn't really liked at all. Or maybe I'm an obsessive person. Well actually no i don't think i am but just with the past experiences of my friend history, I've seemed to have quite shallow friends. I'm already used to thinking and feeling that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Tangi was bestest friend and husband to me.
so far since Tangi has died, I have only met 2 single people who don't mind if my kids come and hang out with us. No one else has done that at all. other than my family. I love hanging out with my family. they're pretty kool. But i guess, there's always something that's different about friends and family.

One thing I can't wait to do, is go on at least one dinner with my sisterinlaw. I've been hanging out for it for ages. hahahaha. and if you're reading this yeah u know who u are. But this time, it's going to a cheap dinner and stuff. hahahaha. No $80 later crap again.

I've been to the Dr anyway, and he said that I should go back on anti depression pills just to see if it'll work. I haven't taken any yet but I should.
Who knows what I'm supposed to be doing. It feels a little weird at the moment.
Anyways, I have to take my daughter back into the Dr's to get the last injection for her immunisations. They didn't have one particular vaccine and were waiting for it to be sent in. So she'll be annoyed at me for putting her through that again.

Waiting

Well I'm just waiting till it's time to go and pick up Dupri from daycare. He enjoys it a whole lot. I think he's ready to move onto something more structured now that has singing time and actual class time with the kids. He will be really good at it. And I got a phonecall last week saying that Pearl can start daycare once she turns 2. Which i'm stoked as for. She will be doing the same days and hours as Dupri which is a good start. It'll be good for her to interact with the other kids. And give her a break from only hanging out with her brother. But anyways, they're both doing really well.
Apparently Pearl is doing extremely well because she can say whole sentences together. But I think that's just because she's a girl and has quicker brain responses to boys. Whereas Dupri is picking up things a lot faster at the moment too. Actually they're both really clever.

OK, I still don't have much money for the unveiling. I'm just trying to keep things balanced and going I guess. I have been procrastinating getting everything done. Mostly because I really don't want it to happen. But I can't change the date anyway because I don't have any time and there's no special day coming up anytime soon anyways. And I wanted it on our wedding anniversary. This would've been our 4th year wedding anniversary. I really miss Tangi. He was such a wonderful man and I just really miss him. I being looked after by him. He was so kind and attentive and treated me really well.

I've started doing excercise classes/boxing/kickboxing classes with my sisinlaws sister. She's doing classes from out of her garage which is decked out with the weights, punching bags, kick bag, pads, etc. Today will be my 2nd class that I've gone to. But I'm enjoying it already anyways. I try to keep pushing myself because I want to be a size 12 by the time it's my brothers wedding. And pretty much the only that says I'm a size 16 is my fat stomach. Yeah ok, I have lost quite a bit of weight since Christmas but still, I need to lose even more for this fat thing to turn into a skinny toned and tanned thing. But there is something about losing weight that gives you more confidence and makes you feel better about yourself.

Well, even tho Tangi thought that I was beautiful even when I was fat, I didn't feel that good about myself. But he was really kool.

Rehearsals for Sound of Music is going pretty good. We're up to blocking now, which is the acting side of things. Just putting the musical together now. So there's lots of sitting around and watching and waiting all the time. Which I don't mind at all. So I just have to keep remembering to take my MP3 player to listen to sounds while I'm waiting. We can't really talk in between because the other actors are doing their parts. so something that doesn't require much noise is always a good thing i guess for waiting. But I'm enjoying it heaps anyways. Getting to know eveyrone pretty good. Can't wait for the show to start. But I don't know how much the tickets cost. I haven't even looked up on the website for it but will have to do that when I get back. It's now time for me to go and pick up Dupri from daycare. Or as he calls it 'skool'.

Cya

Slipping

What I feel right now is just numbness.

The closer to the unvieling it is, the more unsteady I feel, the more I think about him the more it's hurting. I don't know why it's getting harder. I guess in some ways I've learnt to bottle everything in or to only let as little out as I possibly can just to make me be able to handle things. I quite literally feel like i'm falling apart. I'm not feeling as decisive about my actions as I should be. All the stuff that I did before is looking more and more appealing. so much so that I've even started making plans to go away for awhile. What is there here for me.
I miss my husband so much that it hurts to know that this unveiling is going to be the final thing. I know that we're sealed but it still hurts knowing that I can't hug him. But I need to make some decisions or I feel I'm going to lose it.
I don't want to complete the headstone because it brings it that much closer. It makes me feel like crying everytime I see it, and it doesnt have any lettering or anyting other than the colour on it.
I'm hurting. And I don't know how to make it better.

I just want to curl up and just stay in my little hole and not come out. That's what I want.

Eating and excercise

Now that I've decided that starving myself hasn't worked that well with losing weight, I've decided to do it the proper way and the way that I know works. Mostly because I've done it before and it was awesome.

I've gone back onto my Healthpoint plan diet which is only 100grams of carbs per day and more protein, which helps to make you fell full. And last night went for a brisk walk, which is all I can manage at the moment, and it felt really good. I actually think that excercise is also a really good way for me to strenghten my lungs for singing as well. But it felt good excercising and now that I've got an excercise buddy, it's not too bad. It's a lot more enjoyable.

Rehearsals are really fun. The tutors are really pushing for us to get to know each other. And because I'm quite shy, it's a good morale booster when these people come up to me and ask how i'm doing. I get suprised when they call out my name, becuase I don't really remember many of their names. But it's definately interesting.

Well at the moment, I still can't get in contact with the Tarai family down in Tokoroa.

The headstone has been plastered and it looks really nice. It's actually turning out a lot better than I thought it would actually so it's a real big bonus. The guy who plastered it for me just returned it this morning. It's a dark red and it feels really warm which is the feel I'm going for. Something that is warm and cosy feeling, just how he was. And me too. haha. But I hate looking at everyone elses headstones at the cemetary because most of them feel cold and empty so I wanted something that feels warm and loving. And at the moment, that's what I'm achieving with the headstone. I've been trying to look for some fonts for the lettering.
In some ways I just want this over and done with, just so I don't have to deal with it anymore. But then I don't want it to happen just yet, because it kind of feels like this is the end of trying to hold onto my husband. It feels like this is going to the final farewell and I don't want to do that.

So for breakfast I had one egg on one wholegrain toast. For morning tea I will have half an apple, for lunch I'm having dijon mustard chicken salad, afternoon tea, the other half of the apple, dinner hamburgers. And yes, I make it all myself. It's quite easy to make small portions. But yes of course being a maori, you think that you need bigger portions to satisfy your hunger but you don't. Just make sure you keep eating all day, don't wait till your hunger because by then you are already starved. just the same as, if you don't have a drink till you're thirsty becuase you're already dehydrated. So, I'm making extra effort to make sure that I stay with this plan longer than last time.

Last night I made baked basil chicken and salad for me and the kids. The chicken just had lemon juice, garlic, basil and pepper wrapped in foil then baked in oven for 20 minutes. the salad was just lettuce and cucumber. Nothing fancy. But it was really nice. and then topped it off with half a cup of rockmelon. The kids just wanted to eat the salad which suprised me more than anything. But I'm glad they enjoyed it, becuase I'm going to make them eat what I eat. hahaha

Hyperventilating AGAIN!!!!!

Why is it that everytime I think about all the things that Tangi left me to deal with that I just want to curl up and end things.!!! Just when I feel really good about something, or enjoying life, a black mood just overcomes me and I can't breathe properly, I can't even keep a straight face without wanting to cry. But I can't stop thinking about him. I've been reading the Twilight books again and crying over the fact that Tangi was just as perfect as the main character. He was just as understanding, if not more, he was just as patient, he was just as compassionate, he loved me just as much as the Edward did with Bella and vice versa. So why is it that I was left behind to deal with crap. And what's worse, I can't help but feel really scared to even step foot in his hometown. I've felt really rotten about my inlaws. Only because I've been making a huge effort to try to keep in contact and I haven't heard a word from them. I don't know if they have made any effort to see if we're alright, but I've constantly felt like it's been a one way thing. I'm actually thinking about giving up on them and moving on instead of worrying about them.
I don't know what Tangi would've done. whether or not he would keep trying or not. There are somethings that really tick me off. Well with the amount of moaning I do, it must come across that a hell of a lot of things tick me off. Which is true I guess.
But to find that one person who knows everything about you, who knows what your favourite things are, who knows what you dislike the most, who knows how to press your buttons, who knows your darkest fears, who knows your crazy ambitions, who knows what kind of walk you have, who knows what colour your eyes are, who knows what mood you are in once they see you, who knows how to cheer you up, who knows when you need space, who knows what to say to you to get their way, who knows how much you love them. How can you keep on living life when that one person is taken from you. For whatver reason it was that they were taken, how can i live with the fact that the one person who knew me the best, i have to live without them from now on.
I cry watching the kids see their dad in our home videos and that's the only memory they have of him, being sick in the hospital. When we have been up to the hospital, they yell out for daddy thinking that they're going up to visit him. Even 9 months down the track, they still do it. And when I tell them that Daddy is no longer there, they yell out for their nanny api. I cry thinking of all the Daddy talks that could've happened but won't. I cry thinking about how I'm never going to feel his arms around again, I'm not going to hear him whispering to me, I'm not going to him laugh at my craziness, i'm not going to see him play with his kids and run them around trying to catch the seagulls. And what pisses me off more than anything, is people thinking that they know how i feel. that some people think that they have more of a right than i do.

Nobody will ever know exactly how I feel and what I put up with everyday. It's crazy but I've put up with a lot of hurtful and crazy stuff. Maybe nothing physical but a lot of emotional stuff. whether if anyone else went through what I did and what i still am dealing with, I wonder how long they would last. How long would I last in someone elses shoes.
I tried to explain to one my mates, that what might seem like a big thing to me, may not be for me but that doesn't mean that it's not worth feeling something about. That you still have a right to feel hurt.

but today hasn't been that great of a day as you can probably see. But who cares right!!!

Actually thats wrong, there are a lot of people who care. I know that for a fact. But sometimes feeling lonelier than I should is maybe something that helps me to not supress my feelings. Who knows. I sure am trying to understand myself all the time.

Ranting and Raving yet again.....

Man, I moan a whole lot but this thing helps to me just vent and get it out. Otherwise I spend hours in my room talking to myself about how much I want to strangle someone or whatever it is that I'm upset about.

Right now, what I'm upset about is I'm predicting how the unvieling will play out. I'm predicting that if I continue to let these unvielings go ahead as a combined thing that when it comes to the hakari, that we will once again be outsiders, when I'm the person who allowed it all to happen. So I'm predicting that these dumb Tokoroa CI's are going to get up on the mic and start saying how much they loved my mother in law and my husband, not say anything about how they're thankful that i let them have the opportunity to be there and they will say it all in CI so me and my family can't understand any of it. I am predicting that this is going to be a total CI function and that's it.

Now, I had to figure out exactly what I was angry about. Was I angry at the Cook Island culture in general or the Tokoroa community. And i figured out that I am totally accepting of the Cook Island culture, I've got no qualms with it at all. I'm pissed at the Tokoroa community because I have not met any other CI's who are selfish like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who are such aggresive backstabbers like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who openly shun everyone else who isn't CI other than the Tokoroa community. Now, I have family who are half CI, and they don't act like that, I have another family who my brother is marrying and they're not like that. I also have friends who are CI who are from Hastings who weren't like that. So why is it, that Tokoroa being in their own little bubble get off saying that all this negativity is a part of their culture. That's how they do things, that's a part of who they are as a culture. bull crap!!! It's just an excuse for them to blame everything on their culture and not taking responsibility for what bullshizzers they really are.

It's nearly been a year since the funeral and I still see red everytime I think about how that community treated me and my family. And it wasn't just a couple of them, it was the entire community. One of the leaders of their community even came into my own home and disrespected me. Didn't even say hi to me for one, didn't acknowledge me as Tangi's wife, even though he was stepping into mine and Tangi's home and didn't even talk english so that i could understand what they were saying. And this was one of their community leaders, on behalf of the entire community. Yeah what a great way to represent an entire community. And what's worse is that the majority of the people who were there at the funeral, were there for me ie my family who ALL turned up, mine and Tangi's close friends and they weren't Cook Island. We were mostly maori, so it didn't make any sense to me that they had made themselves think that this funeral was all about them. That this was just a Cook Island function and no one else was allowed to be involved.
And for some strange reason I just have a feeling that this is what it's going to be like for theunveiling. I would rather not invite anyone other than the people who actually do care about us. At least it would make it a proper event where it's happy and I'm not nearly wanting to kill somebody. Even just before Tangi died, I told him that I had a really bad feeling that something was brewing with his funeral. And sure enough, had the threats coming in with taking Tangi's body away from me and also the dumb islanders talking island in front of me and my family saying really nasty stuff. and i only know this because some of the islanders there are actually friends of our family and they were really upset by it.

But anyways, I'm trying to focus on making this a memorable and happy farewell to my hubby, so just trying to breath normally without hyperventalating at the stress I'm putting myself under just thinking about it.

Which comes to my other thing, I've been trying to get in contact with the inlaws in Tokoroa to see if they've done anything with their mums headstone, because I don't know exactly what to organise if I don't know what they're doing. And because I need everything to finish early so that I can make it back to my rehearsal for the musical. But anyways, I'm still ringing everyday to see if I might actually get through or not. But I'm going down to Hastings next weekend, so I might stop in on my way down or back or something to see what they're doing.

Ok, thats my rant for the day. See how the rest of the day goes.

Just some stuff around

Well, Rehearsals for my musical is going really well. I'm a soprano II which gives me some pretty high notes. I had to explain to someone who knew me at school that yes I was an alto then and that's mostly because i didn't push myself. Whereas now, I am a whole lot more versatile and confident so I can hit the notes easily. So I'm enjoying it a lot. I actually figured out that I'm the only maori in the production. Everyone is white. But I don't really care anyway because about 120 people auditioned and i got a part. So I'm stoked as anyways.

the kids are just a headache. Well they're actually really good kids until they get grumpy. Dupri just has one volume and that's loud and keeps on going and going and going with his crying. Pearl is alright until she gets into her spastic modes where she just works herself up. But other than that, they're really good. Don't have many problems with them.

My mum has gotten off her meds and is now going cold turkey. So it's been a little bumpy with her. Just trying ot stay out of her way a lot more. I would love to move out of here and into our own place again but I can't afford it. Not at themoment anyways. I've been focusing on paying this loan that i got a few years ago. So I just want to get rid of it and then I won't feel like I owe anyone. But in order to keep up my payments for it, I need to stay at the back of my parents place and just take any crappy mood my mum dishes out. It's part and parcel of being here. So it ends up being an ok compromise.

on Sunday, had someone talk in church. He started off saying that we go thru life, probably loving life, nothings going wrong, everything is perfect and then we get a phonecall that just turns our lives upside down. And that we can try to empathise with that person but we should never say that we know how they feel because we don't. each of our circumstances and experiences are all unique and never the same. I can probably guarantee that there wouldn't be one person who went thru the exact same experiences as i did. Yes, there are similar situations but it's not the same. But i couldn't help balling my eyes in the middle of church because it was really hard for me. Even now things are still feeling lonely and just missing Tangi heaps.

His unveiling is in 2 months, and I'm just feeling a pull towards him. sometimes i feel really crazy because I've tried to do things totally different to how i did them so that I'm not falling back into depression. It's helped keeping busy and talking to various people. even though they don't understand fuly what i'm going thru andstill going thru, it still helps to talk to them. But it's definately going to take me a long time to feel completely ok.

I do wish that i could start all over again. It's selfish yes, but i do wish that i can just pack everything up and start brand new. But I don't think i'm strong enough to do that on my own. Or to do it with my children. But I know that realistically, having my family around is the best support that i can have.

One thing I was thinking about was my brother and the kinds of thiings that he went thru. Because I know that us as a family werent there for him how he needed us to be. But one hting my family know how to do is to back off when we know we're not wanted. We won't turn up at each others places just because we feel like it, i'm the exception of course, but it doesnt happen with the rest of us. My parents don't turn up unannounced, or even announced. It has to be a formal gathering for them to feel like they're welcome or something. i don't know. And i dont know about my other brother, but I've definately been making a huge effort to make sure that i visit both my brothers. But going back to thinking about my brother. Just the fact that he was literally alone when he going thru his hard time. It may've not been exactly the same as what happened to me but it still hurts regardless. For me, it's been my family that's gotten me thru the worst of it. I explained to one of my friends, that during everything I had no choice but to suck it up and get on with it. For my kids, because there was no one else to take on that responsibility. She had said that I've been so strong with everything especially the funeral and that. I told her that I could've just let myeslf get numb and unresponsive, but I knew better. I knew that if I didn't pick myself up, there was no one else who could do that for me. So thats how I've been facing things, that I have to just deal with it, it's the mature thing to do. So why mope about it. Well I do mope still but not as long as usual. I've still got a whole lot more to learn about life and how things work and that. So yeah.

Going back to the musical. I don't know if i've written it already but I'm in 'The Sound of Music'. Ok, I'm not actually a fan of the musical but it's better than nothing. And I'm a nun in the nun's chorus. It's not a lead but that doesnt bother me. I'm happy that I'm on stage and performing. that's all that matters to me. I've always loved performing. But I never got nervous until a minute before I walked onto the stage. And then the nerves turned into adrennaline and I pushed harder. So it was really kool.

Just some pics

Well since I haven't put any pics up lately here are some. The kids got into my $40 liquid eye liner. My son watched me put my makeup on last night and so he thought he would replicate what i was doing Thiis is what my hair looks like now. Its the new cut but it looks a bit wierd. i'm going to have to straighten it so that i can get a really good look at what it looks like.

The kids being crack up

My hair from the front position. Yes I look like a zombie or some ugly beast. hahaha.

The kids giving me their evil eyes. hahhaha.

Waiting and waiting

I cut my hair today, it was just a trim really but it's just past my shoulders now and I did it in layers. So it's pretty snazzy looking for my own cutting. And yes, it was all on my own. One side is slightly longer than the other side but thats sweet as. It'll make it easier to tidy up and do up and I might be bothered to even brush it a bit more often. Man, i swear, if i don't brush my hair at least twice a day, a few dreadlocks evolve. it's bionic my hair.

Now about that waiting part. Ok, i'm waiting for the YSA dance to start and also for my kids to go to sleep. Just so tat i can go. I'm tired and about to fall asleep but i actually want to go and socialise for a couple hours. But i'm waiting for the kids to go to sleep so that i can get ready and then jump in the car and take off. My mum is inside so she'll be able to keep an ear out for them if they wake up. But otherwise, the kids are pretty good sleepers.

Okay, now I have watched Michael Jackson's funeral several times as well as search out his 30th anniversary concert, all of his mini movies, moonwalker, thriller, ghost etc and i even watched his interviews with oprah and this other guy. And after all of that, I finally understood a bit better. I still don't think that it was appropriate to have other people's kids sleep in your room with you when you're an adult, but just listening to how he explained it. Was that he treated it like a normal sleepover with mates. Even though he was a grown adult, but he had become like a child. He even said in an interview that he didn't think he was god. he just tried to be godlike. to become like a little child, be innocent minded like a child. And that's what he adapted into his everyday life. So, I think I understand him just a little bit better, but I would've loved to have gotten to know him personally, he actually looked like a really fun guy to be around.

And yes I balled my eyes out when his daughter got up and said her piece. I think it would've made people realise that he was a father too.

So I'm still waiting. I can see that one child is nearly asleep and the other one is just lying htere quietly. I don't think he's near asleep yet but it doesn't matter. He's pretty good with putting himself to sleep. It's been really cold the last few nights. I've even let Pearl snuggle up to me just so that she can stay warm at night. Dupri actually have all our blankets on his bed just to keep his little body warm, and we have a 4 fin oil heater to heat this room. But it's still chily. Might have to pull out the other oil heater as well. I have them going all day and night and it's still really cold. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to wear tonight to the dance becuase i don't want to go and be freezing cold and not be able to move because i'm cold as. Anyways, I better get off and figure out my wardrobe, not that i care too much on how i look but it's more about the comfort and still being able to feel my toes at the end of the night. and hopefully my toes haven't fallen off from frostbite in the gloomy hamilton weather.

Being Busy - Theory Time

Now does being busy necessarily mean being happy. I know that for me being busy definately helps me to be happy with my situation than if I wasn't busy. Especially if I wasn't busy enough to take my mind off of annoying things. And does being happy mean that you are happy with the life you're living or that you love life in general.
I know of a lot of people who love life but aren't happy. Also, I know a few people who are really busy but aren't happy. So to be happy, what does one self have to do to achieve it.
Ok, here's an example.
I got married to the most amazing guy in the world and had an amazingly awesome marriage. But I wasn't entirely happy, not because of my husband but because I didn't feel like I had achieved much up to that point. I didn't have a career, I wasn't a homemaker, I wasn't crafty or anything, wasn't in any clubs and didn't have any achievements or goals. I felt like I was stuck in the same place.
At the moment, I am busy with my calling at church, going out a little bit more to socialise, writing a book, in a musical and I feel really happy. I feel like I'm actually achieving something great.
So if these two had been combined and happened at the exact same time, I think I would've been so euphoric. But it didn't happen at the same time did it.
I just got off the phone to a friend, who is in YSA who says that she's not happy with her life. She needs a change and being a YSA in Hamilton is too repetitive and boring. And that a couple other YSA are feeling the same too. So I wondered to myself. If I hadn't gotten married and had children, would I have been stuck in that vicious YSA cycle where you don't progress. where your life just goes around and around in circles and living from one paycheck to the other. With no goals but to socialise with each other. I think I would be really unhappy at the monotomus lifestyle.
I guess at the same time, I don't work so I've been treating my calling as a part time job. Now, because I'm the secretary in YW, I have made up templates for every single thing that is needed in YW. On Sunday, someone asked who the secretary for YW was, I turned to her and said that it was me. She just replied, Oh, I didn't realise. I thought you were a counsellor or the President. I just laughed and said 'Well, that's only cause I act like it. I boss everyone around.'. She laughed and so did one of the counsellor who was standing with me. But it hit me, that I had no idea how important my role in this calling was. And that the reason why I've made such a huge effort to do my best with it, it shows in my attitude toward the other leaders and the girls. I really enjoy my calling. I know what my calling is, and i'm doing exactly that. I don't overstep on anything, I take the minutes for all the meetings, i do the agenda for that meeting, i give out the assignments to everyone, do up the calendars, update all the records, take the rolls etc. But just typing everything up takes quite a bit of time. Even with my speed typing off 75wpm it still takes me at least a day to type everything up and emailed out to everyone, as well as printing them out to have a hardcopy of them. And then on top of that, I'm expected to help out with the activities as well if i'm needed. And with most of the combined activities, i am required to be there, either for transport or even just for support.
So my theory, at the end of all of this, is that, if you find something that you really enjoy, stick to it and you will be happy. espeically when you feel that life is going good for you. But to just enjoy it.

Mid Singles

Now I thought that this was worth a mention.

Did you know that as well as YSA which is 18 - 35, and SA which is 35 and over. There is now a group called the mid singles which is 30 -40 something. hahaha. And the activities compromise with sitting around with the karaoke machine at someones house. A couple people I know fit into the mid singles catergory because they feel too old for the 18 year olds and too young for the 70 year olds. hahahaha. As for me, I've been told to just stick with the YSA for now. Since I'm only 25.

I did get an invite to a SA activity and graciously declined because I knew I would be the youngest person there. And then I thought about it, where exactly do I fit in. There isn't a class for me. Most of the widows are in the SA programme and they're 70 and over. And if there are any single parents in YSA, they've never been sealed in the temple. I wonder if i should just go for some non members instead. Then there's less chance of getting messed up later. But then again, i should just stay single for the rest of my life and keep myself so busy that i don't need to fill the loneliness with anything else. haha.

One thing that came to my mind was that I've had a few comments that what I write is really funny. I think it's a serious topic or something but people seem to think that it's quite funny. Or bits of it anyways, so I thought that maybe I'm more like Jennifer Aniston, that there are just some things where I think I'm being serious but it comes across as something funny. hmmm. yeah maybe i'll pass on that or something.

So that were a couple things i thought i would mention. It's been a kool couple of days lately. I've had a couple good things happen which i will mention in later posts, only because I have to confirm these things first before i write them down. but it's worth noting that there's osmething good coming up on the horizon.

109 posts

I can't remember exactly when i started this blog but it was definately after Tangi passed away which would make it going on 9 months since he left. Which isn't that long ago. One minute I relive everything that we went through and the next minute, it feels like it was so long ago.

The amount of time that passed since he was diagnosed is 19 months. So I guess I really count it from when he was diagnosed because that's when the nightmare started. I can still remember vividly how everything happened, how I felt, what his face looked like and our horror at the news. Well he was fine with the news but I wasn't. I remember one night when we were watching tv together, and i turned and asked him. 'Why is it, that you find it hard to fight this babe?' He just turned to me and replied 'It was easy at the beginning, until I started feeling the pain. The pain is what makes it nearly unbearable to deal with.'.
Now one thing that the nurses said was that guys were usually the big babies compared to the girls and Tangi didn't want to be put into that catergory but he was in so much pain. And to be in so much pain for such a long time.

Even when he didn't have cancer, he would have pins and needles in his back and had to sleep on the floor just to feel a bit more comfortable. There were days up at the hospital that when I brushed his skin, it really hurt him and he flinched his hand away immediately. I always wonder if going through labour and childbirth is anything compared to the pain that cancer patients feel. The difference between the two is that you know for a fact that the labour will stop whereas you don't know when the cancer pain will end, or if it ever will.

stuff on my mind

MICHAEL JACKSON.

Ok so i thought that i should at least give the guy some recognition on here. He is the best musician who was really versatile and energetic. I really loved listening to his music and watching his mini movies.

Okay the other thing that was on my mind was that it was my birthday a couple days ago. Actually, it was the day before Michael Jackson died. So I am now 25. And believe it or not, but my shoulders feel heavier with that one day difference from 24 to 25. It's weird. I actually feel older now. I invited a friend over and my family for dinner. It was really yum and it all went fast too. I made my usual awesomely yummy food and everyone else brought a plate and mum bought the KFC. It was really nice to have everyone there. And then we had the cake, and I didn't even get to suck a breath in before the candles were blown out. hahaha. But i didn't mind. The kids did a good job at it. And then mum gathered everyone up to go in the lounge and wanted everyone to say something nice about me. I was really flattered with the things that my brother, sisterinlaws (both of them), mum and dad and friend said. They were really awesome to hear that I actually made a difference in their lives. But when it came to my nieces and nephews, I was a little shocked when they didn't have anything to say at all. They just sat there quiet and didn't want to say anything. Now I figured that it must've been because they were either really shy or actually didn't have anything nice to say about me. I tried to not let it get to me much but i couldn't help thinking that I may actually be that horrible that my own neices and nephews don't have anything nice to say about me. I must be a really horrible aunty. So that actualy hurt my pride a bit. But mostly because I could say a heap of stuff about every single person in the room. Even the little babies. But it's not something I'm going to dwell on too much. But it's definately something that I'm not going to have again. I think I would rather not have that done with me than have my own family go blank.

On another note, now this annoyed me a lot. Back when I used to be a fresh new YSA, which was 6 years ago. I was thought of as a flirt by most of the girls in YSA. And mostly because I got along with the guys really well. I mingled with them pretty easily. I went out with one of my old guy mates to the movies the other day and he was saying how much i would flaunt it everywhere and that when we were at dances, all the guys were checking me out becuase of how i danced and the girls would be hating on me. I laughed at that because I knew that was true. But then I was chatting to another old mate and he said that the YSA still view me as that guy grabbing flirt. These kats are still in YSA of course. The ones who didn't like me much and obviously were really threatened by me. In some cases, it makes me not want to go back to YSA if I have to endure that all over again. But it's more of the fact that, I now am a mother, with 2 children, and married and yet i'm still labelled as a flirt. And I'm overweight yet I'm still classed as a threat. I would so laugh in their face if i was to get married again to another awesome as guy and they were still single. hahahahahahahaha. I would say to their face GOOD JOB!!!!!.

But I'm going to go now anyways, I've got movies to return and people to see before i go to bed. Ok.

Well thanks for reading!!!!

Some things I've achieved thus far

Now, I've only gotten laughs and a little bit of mockery since telling my family, but I saw an advert in the local paper for a musical 'The Sound of Music' to be exact. I looked at it and just thought, 'i have no idea what i would sing and i wouldnt even be good enough'. But i was still curious about it. so i spoke about it to my dad and he just burst out that i should go and do it, it would be a good opportunity and it would be good to expose my children to that world. so i picked up the phone and booked an audition time.
apparently i hadn't till last minute to get an audition and so i couldn't get any songs or scripts sent to me. which was fine by me since this was a spur of the moment thing. but she said that she would be able to fit me in the next morning at 9am. So i was sweet with that. she asked me what role i was auditioning for, and i just said to her, well i don't know, whatever is available really. so she said that i would need to audition for the nuns chorus. so i was fine with that too.

so i went to the audition, and i was the second person to audition with them. it was weird because the person before me was a little girl who had a huge voice. she was really good. it was my turn and i gave them the song 'listen' by beyonce to sing and only got through 4 lines because the pianist couldn't find the next page. so they asked me to do scales instead. which i was fine with as well, they were easy as. and then they sent me on my way.

last thursday i got a letter, i opened it dreading the result and it said 'CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE BEEN CAST IN THE PRODUCTION OF THE SOUND OF MUSIC' My gosh, i got the part. This was my first ever audition for anything and i actually got the part. i'm actually going to be on stage singing and performing. so i'm excited about that part of things.

Also i've decided that i will write about my experiences and put it into a book. it's nowhere near where it should be in regards to being anywhere close to a proper story but i figured that i would be able to put something together and see how things go from there. so that'll be good.

i've been thinking lots about tangi. he would've been so proud at what i've achieved so far. He was always supportive of what i wanted to do. And now i feel sometimes, that even though the rest of my family are supportive, i still feel alone.

there's a YSA conference on next month and i want to go to it, but none of my single YSA friends have contacted me about going. or contacted me for anything actually. And i've been doing the ringing and stuff. it's so frustrating actually. I don't want to go because i'm looking for someone, i want to go so that i can socialise with other people my age. the huge difference is that i'm a solo mother who has been married and is still technically married. my mother pointed out that i don't fit anywhere and she's right. i don't fit into the young married groups because my husband isn't here anymore, i don't fit into YSA because they're mostly single and never been sealed before so are looking for an eternal companion and i don't fit into SA because they'r emostly 35 and older. And i don't fit into YW either since I'm over 18. Any other widow is over 50 so it's just a matter of time before i have another breakdown or something. or it seems that way. I'm trying my hardest to just get myself together, which i have done mostly on my own, but during that time when i was at my lowest, i must've pushed away my friends so much that they don't really want to hang out anymore. so i'm back at square one. But then again, i have spoken with a couple of YSA guys who i used to hang out with and they say that i should come along and hang out, which i don't mind becuase we all used to be mates before i was married. but i just don't want to have to go all alone to meet people there who probably won't be there until the very end, and everyone else are so cold and stick to themselves. i feel like an inactive or something with the entire place not wanting to welcome me and stuff. i don't know if that sounds stupid or not but in some ways, i'm now kind of experiencing what they experience. i'm experiencing what my husband felt when he first moved to hamilton. no one wanted to say hi to him, to make him feel welcome. i was the only person who made him feel like hamilton was worth it. he actually hated hamilton people because they were cold and stuck to themselves. but hey, most of these cats know who i am anyway so its no big secret or anything of who i am and what i've been through but it's still the same scene. but anyway, thats enough of my moaning.

things are going pretty good for me and i should just learn to stop complaining when things are going quite good despite the circumstances. anyways, i'm going to make my kids dinner. my son calls dinner 'mum can i have some cooking.' hahha. all because i told him i was cooking so now kai is cooking. hahha.

Internet and phone's back on

I've been disconnected for about 1 1/2 months due to non payment. Yes it was my fault but that is because i had the choice to either pay my phone bill or fix my car. and i chose to fix my car instead. Hence why it's taken me a whole month and a half to get my phone back on. but i'm so stoked now that i can just jump on the internet in the safety of my own room.

My parents internet is way too slow for me to sit there without trying to break the screen for making me wait so long, or having to drive to my brothers place to park in their driveway and use my laptop in the car while i'm trying to keep the kids quiet. It's definately been a learning curve.

I took my mum to a monument place and got a quote for headstone that i wanted. My dad is still trying to make the headstone but it's not going to come out in the colour that i want it to be. So I wanted to get prices to see how much fundraising i'm going to have to do to get this done the way that i want it done. But the around about price that the headstone is going to come to be is about $4000. Probably a little bit less than that. But thats a hell of a lot of fundraising to do just to get it done. I just spoke to my sister in law and she said that her dad wanted to know if his name and his wife's name will be on the headstone as well. I said to her that i wasn't planning on it because my name won't even be on it. Mostly because i don't see the point in putting my name on it since i'm going to be buried with him and it'l be on it on a later date. so yeah. But the only people who have the utmost privilige of having their names on the stone is going to be our children, Dupri and Pearl. but it's going to be interesting if there are any demands on what is to be on it. But i've asked my sister in law to organise some fundraising stuff for down there. because i need their help with coming up with four grand. And since its their son, i'm letting them be able to be a part of it. So thats what i wanted to do.

I'm still trying to get my head around a few things, especially finances. I've got a lot to learn about saving and book keeping. Even though i can do it no problems, i have a problem with sticking to budgets. especially if there's any spare money lying around. but thats something that i'm definately working on anyway.

I feel like i've got more of a positive outlook on life. It's definately a lot easier to deal with. But i still miss my babe. But one thing that i did for fun was that i auditioned for THE SOUND OF MUSIC. Crazy huh. I've never done anything like that before, i havent from the producers yet if i got any part. i tried out to be a nun. But then again, the sound of music isn't my genre that i like. but at least i went and did it. so i'm happy that i stepped out of my comfort zone and tried it.

well thats me for now, i need to go and pick up my son and then start working on my calling as YW secretary and get all our typing and office work stuff sorted. So either way, i'm busy which is good. I know that I made the decision to stay in church and stuff, but that doesn't mean that i don't have urges to drop it all and go buckwild. So i'm glad that i've got my calling to keep me focused on what i want. I find that i get distracted very easily, regardless of if i'm doing the right thing or not. there are things that still appeal to me. my dad said that it goes away after a while, the appeal and the urge to do those things that we shouldn't but it does go away after a while, its whether or not we want to stick it out depends on our success of overcoming those temptations.

so yeah, have a nice day

mouth watering recipes

Ok, so protein shakes and bars arent the most appetizing. So i thought that if i could come up with 3 new recipes that were absolutely healthy in every way yet tasted so awesome that i would love ot eat it a lot. then that would be a success.

so i will start my journey for 3 mouth watering recipes.

if you have any suggestions, i will try it out and see what happens.

mmm

NEW MOON

Ok so since i'm a twilight fanatic. hahaha. yes i am coming out of the closet. well i never was in there but hey, the expression fits.

so i watched the "new moon' trailer which is the sequel to twilight. for those who don't follow the latest craze. And it's soooo awesome. Seeing Jacob turn into a werewolf is MADDD!@!!! hahahaa. i stay in my seat. i'm sooo excited. i cannot wait

i dont know how many times i can say that i love it. but hten again, i'm hooked on vampires, especially these vampires.

dream

I had a dream the other night. or maybe it was more of a nightmare than anything.

I had woken up and looked over at my son who was lying very still. I assumed he was asleep until i saw how pale he looked. I rushed out of bed and called out ot him. Dupri wake up. he just shook under my arms. i kept shaking him but he wouldnt wake up. the nightmare then cut to the funeral. But i was putting him on top of his dad. and then i could see that i was broken, torn, a mess. i couldn't deal with the loss of my husband and one of my children. i had to send pearl away because i couldnt even look after myself.

i woke up for real and pearl was already awake. i looked over ot dupri and he was pale and very still. i told pearl to go and wake him up. she went over to him 'pri wake up' she shook him. he didnt move. 'pri wake up' a little louder. and then his eyes fluttered. man was i happy. i was so relieved that the dream wasn't true. i didnt want it to be true. i couldnt stand it. i just got up and gave dupri a really big hug.

so yeah tha was my dream. not a very nice one for a parent.

its too cold here

Well now that it's fully into winter we have had our heaters on full bore. But at least the kids are warm. At least until Dupri wants to go to the toilet and then he refuses to get up and would rather pee the bed instead. Geez. but when it's nice and warm he'll happily get up and walk himself to the toilet.

I just printed off last years blog entries. It came to about 30 pages without the photos. Pretty impressive i must say.

Ah well my kids are tired and so am i. so need to put them ot bed.

Feeling a tiny bit drained but ok

I dont know what it is exactly that makes me feel like I'm doing too much yet not enough. I like to feel constantly busy but i dont seem to have much to do. Weird.!

Anyways, havent done much other than pay bills and more bills. I really want to start getting into fundraising. i've decided that saving for the money is going to be wayy too hard and that I would much rather use that money to be able to go on a holiday or even to fix my car or put a deposit down on a new car. But of course i can't afford a new car, or a holiday. I'm trying to pay off some outstanding debts and then I will have more money to play around with. Having another person to take half the bills did make it easier but harder at the same time. its like as if, when u have a partner or somethng, your bills getting tripled because of whatever debt that they had. And also because of the extra food, power etc. But in reality you do get more money overall. So why is it that you still arent able to save much. Damn life and its never ending bills.

I have had a recurring dream of being on Ellen as a guest for writing a book. I'm still working on that side of things. My dad has always told me that I'm a good short story writer. I'm just working on a couple projects at the moment but can't seem to keep my mind on one track. so im' writing all over hte place and seeing how that goes and then will go back and tidy it up. And I've already got a line of people ready and willing to read what i've written. I've even had an offer for someone to be my publicist. So i'm hoping that I have enough motivation to just finish this book and then see if any publishers are interested in it and see what kinds of pointers they have to offer to make the book better and exciting for people to read. So yeah, i'm a bit tired. so i better get off and try to have a little bit of a rest.

its my dads birthday today he's 59. Geez what a fossilised old hogey he is. And he still bikes too and from work. And cause it's Hastings Stake temple week this week, we've got a house full of people, and my bro fro Aussie is coming over for song fest to be a judge. so much going on yet it feels boring at the same time. how ironic.

Follow up on my diet

Ok, so I've slipped up a couple times but I am honestly losing mass. The weight is staying at the same for the last 2 weeks which is awesome, at least it isnt increasing. hahaha. But my belly is getting slowly smaller, well either that or i'm getting stronger stomach musceles to hold the flab in a little bit better. Either way, I can fit into these jeans that were a whole lot too tight at one stage. So hopefully its not the denim thats stretching either. I've had comments that my face is getting skinnier which is good. But still have a long way to go.
Pearl has finally been able to stay in nursery for the entire 2 hours for the last 2 weeks. Just waited until she was completely immersed in playing with the toys and then I would sneak out which was better than saying bye to her. Because otherwise she packs up a huge fuss and no one can calm her down. She's getting better at it tho, ot learn to go outside her comfort zone.
I had a dream the other night of me being interviewed by Ellen Degeneres over in America. And that I had written a book that blew up all over the world. And then she asked me ot get up and sing. And I was mega awesome and everyone was clapping and cheering. hahaha, still it was only a dream. For some reason, I've been having this feeling that something really huge is missing in my life. That even though I'm happy where I am, I don't feel whole.
And then I know that this will never happen, but I always wonder what it wouldve been like if I never had kids, I would be able to totally immerse myself in self pity and just work and work until I could go over to America and lose myself in everything over there. Oh well, I have been having pretty strong thoughts about seeing what its like over in America. Even for a couple months to a year and see if its a place that i would be happy, a different atmosphere and culture. I don't know. But in regards to having a job to be able to support us, its a little bit different. Or i could jsut have one of those arranged marriages for convenience to an american and then i can fly to and from america whenever i wanted and it wouldnt matter. hahaha. far out, what crazy stuff huh! I've been missing the adventure of life and also missing my hubby who shared that adventure with me. My kids are too young to enjoy it just yet and I don't really have anyone else who can come along for hte ride. It sometimes gets frustrating that all I want to do is curl up into a little ball and disappear. But I can't.
I love my calling, it keeps me busy and the ladies that i work with, they're pretty amazing. We've all had our trials and some of us are still going thru some, but they're so awesome to work with. they are really good for the girls. I've had to slow myself down a few times so that i'm doing my calling and not eveyrone elses. hahaha. but more so, i keep reminding myself that i'm only the secretary and nothing else. I havnt done much with my schoolwork., but tried to finish the second assignment. which is getting harder since i can't concentrate that well with the kids at home with me. So i'm still waiting for pearl to get a place in the daycare down the road so i can commit more time to schoolwork. And then i'll have less cleaning ot do throughout the day. oh the joys of motherhood.
Sometimes i wonder if I really felt like this with Tangi alive and healthy. And to be honest, yeah i did feel like i wasnt completely whole, like i needed to do something more with myself but just couldnt figure out exactly what it was. Tangi knew there was something a little off but i just want to experience more of life. My goals at the moment is trying ot finish my certificate in Travel Consultant. Then once i'm finished that I might look at going to school fulltime or partime and getting a partime/fulltime job. But i definatley want to be able to travel with my kids. So that they can say that they had an awesome childhood wth lots of fun and laughter. Its the memories that matter the most to me. Nothing else is really a priority but the memories.

Been up nearly all night

Pearl has been sick since about 9.30pm. She's been throwing up every half hour and we have gone thru 4 big blankets, 3 pillows, 3 changes of clothes, all the wet wipes, one shower and 3 sheets. So now, I've made her sleep on the floor because I dont' want to change our bed stuff again. So i put a blanket down and a pillow and then doubled the blanket over. So if she throws up again, out comes the other blanket. After the last spew up, took her inside and gave her a shower and she's all nice and clean. it's now 3.09am and i'm exhausted but dont want to go to sleep just yet in case she wakes me up with her spew sounds and stink spew smell. Geez. i am ticked anyways with the amoount of washing i'm going ot have to do tomorrow. My poor daughter. Ah well, she'll sleep in tomorrow thats for sure. had to put our oil heater on so that we're all warm with only one blanket on since she's dirtied all of the spare ones. lol.

I felt so busy today and yesterday. Dropped dupri at daycare this morning, went straight to the chapel and practised on a couple songs for young womens for about 2 hours. then went home and did more washing. cleaned and scrubbed our room while waiting for the washing to be done. made some lunch and then went picked up dupri from daycare and then put the kids to sleep. i sat down for a little bit and ended up being woken up at 2.30pm by my bro who was there to pick up the kids. so they left and then i did the ironing of most of the clothes that i needed then showered and shot off up to the temple and did 2 sessions. I'm am actually feeling quite exhausted and tired but I'm just trying ot be a good mother to my sick little girl. so thats why 'm still awake. anyways, have felt pretty busy the last few days. last night after the temple, i was feeling a little hungry so went and got some chinese. i had the first bite and i felt sick. but kept eating because i didnt want to waste my money. yeah it was pretty gross. the food was yum but just the greasy taste and feeling was a bit gross. so tonite i got subway instead. and it went down a whole lot better. so i thought that if i can't make it at home then subway will by the alternative to the other fast foods. i have been sticking to not drinking fizzy. i have been drinking juice and water instead. And i havent had any icecream or BK, McDees or KFC. So i think i'm doing pretty well. I havent lost much weight but someone commented to me today that i have lost a little bit of weight. when i told them that i still weigh the same, she asked if i'm getting smaller anyways. and i must admit that yeah i am starting to fit a little better into some of my new skirts and stuff. so thats a good thing. and i'm looking a whole lot better in the more fitting stuff instead of looking so bloated and pregnant. hahaha. and no i'm not pregnant. geez@!!!
Anyways, I think its safe to go to sleep now.. My daughter hasnt woken up yet.
Oh, before i forget. One of my social workers, i have 2 that visit me at a time. and one of them asked me if i'm dating yet. andd then he started naming a few guys who were RM's. My gosh, I just didnt want to know. People think that it's so easy to start dating again. its taking a lot for me to even go to YSA activities. Most of it is that I do feel guilty like i'm cheating on Tangi somehow. Even tho he's not here, I still feel married to him and i really feel that i'm not at that stage yet where i feel comfortable to date again. I'm just doing things in my own time.

May Resolutions

Ok. I have made some resolutions that will hopefully help me achieve the bigger goals.

1. Given up eating icecream.
2. Giving up on fizzys tomorrow. haha. Yes I will only drink either juice or water.
3. Give up McDonalds, Burger King and KFC tomorrow onwards.

Hopefully that will help to manage my weight a bit easier. Now I've been told that I'm not fat. But I dont think theyre seeing properly. hahaha. Well, I used to weigh 65kgs and now I sway around 80 - 85kgs. Yeah thats a pretty huge gain. Especially when I dont look that good in my clothes anymore. I used to fit into size 12 -10 and now I'm squeezing into 14-16 sometimes 18. It's not exactly a big morale booster.

I'm really enjoying my calling as YW secretary. I feel really busy with my calling. Getting to know the YW a whole lot better. They're really good and have a lot to say. Just had another change in our vicinity and have a new leader. She's pretty awesome and a bit overwhelmed with the amount of responsibility for her. But she's gonna do an awesome job.

Oh, I am also going to be making more of an effort to get back into making salads again. They're yummy, I really like making marinated chicken salad. It's yummy and tasty so I would really love to keep having that for lunch to help get my body a bit healthier.

Temple week this week. So I've got my babysitters all lined up. So I have to try and get to the gym too.

My next goal to make up a timetable for my everyday things and to stick to it. Well, I have no problems making timetables. It's the sticking to it part that I really have a hard time with. I guess its not enough motivation to keep me wanting to stick to it or not. Oh and laziness too. So, if i want to keep my mind light and happy I need to stick to what I've planned. A little bit of spontanuiety isnt a bad thing but not all the time. hmmm.

well I'm going thru some more of Tangi's things. Went down to Tok on Friday for a couple hours and went through Tangi's room. His family want to get his stuff out of the house because he's not here anymore and there's not much use in keepiing it around. which i agree with, but now i have to sort through everything again. It was a lot easier to go through this stuff becuase I didnt know him then. It was things from his mission. Letters and journals etc. It's the stuff that we left over in Australia that I'm going to have a hard time going thru. Even the cards that we got from his funeral that are addressed to me and the kids, I can't look at them yet. It's too hard to look at them without balling furiously. So, I'm going to wait until I'm ready to do that. I've got all his clothes here that we were able to bring over. I can't bring myself to give them away yet. In some ways, I want our kids to be able to have something of his. So that they can feel a little bit closer to their dad. Tangi had a folder that had all the photos and details of the missionaries who served the same time as Tangi did in the Wellington mission. And I showed Dupri the entire page without pointing out that his dad was on there. And he was looking at it, and then he said ' Daddy' I asked him, where is daddy, and he pointed right at him. 'There is daddy, where mum'. He's a bit young to understand that they were mission photos but he knew exactly who his dad was. and I was really happy that they still remember. I kinda try to drone it into them. I never want them to ever forget their Dad.

Do things for yourself. Dont wait for someone else to make you feel good.

I know someone in my life who is extremely depressed and self esteem is soo low that she's thinking about doing things that would hurt a lot of people. Actually I know a few people like that hahaha. I'm sure we all have moments like these anyways, i sure have had my share of them. But this person in particular, i never really got along with her but the last few months we've been on a good page. She shared a few things with me about how she thinks she's useless and worthless and can never do anything right. And that she should just leave and never come back because she's no use here. I didnt know what to say. I was about to try to console her and stuff but started thinking about where that would get her. So I thought about how I tried to fix myself and my own troubles and knew that nobody else can make me feel wonderful. No one else can make me feel like I'm worth it. They definately do help of course but you should be able to do it for yourself. It's called selfcare. So unexpectantly, I just made a footbath for this person and then left her for 15 minutes to soak then came back in and exfoliated her feet. Once that was finished, told her to curl up and have a sleep. She felt really good after that. It wasnt much for me to do that for her. It only took half an hour and I was done and yet she felt good. And I wonder if the activities that you do make you happy. and if it doesnt, then why keep doing it. It doesnt make sense. Whether its out of habit, or laziness or just plain stupidity, is it enough to make you want to change yourself for the better. Regardless of your situation or your ethnicity or colour or hairstyle, hahaha, you should be able to make yourself happy.

On another note, I keep looking at my husbands photo and he looks sooooo handsome. My dad and I were talking and one of the biggest things that's stopping me from ever wanting to date anyone again is that I can't guarantee an eternity for them with me. So we started talking about the many widows that we knew who have remarried and what they've done. One widow I know of , remarried a non member - who has joined the church now and is now asking why they cant be sealed in the temple. Another widow remarried to a member guy who's a bit of a dork anyways, and is asking why they cant be sealed. another widow remarried someone who was divorced. Another widow who never remarried 15 years down the track. Such a hard decision. I'm still ok that if it came up that yeah i would remarry, but the process is a bit hard to decide. Whether its even worth it. I even had an idea that i could remarry and then just divorce them. Then I wouldnt have any obligation or remorse for not being able to be sealed to them. But yes i know, thats a stupid idea anyways.

And what's with this Swine flu going around. It feels like a normal flu but you wouldnt know it until it's too late. Do you think it would be considered suicide if you knowingly went and tried to fly to mexico so that you could catch that flu. ??

I loved Tangi so much. One day in the hospital, he asked me if I was ever happy with him. I said ' why would you ask me that!! Of course I was happy with you'. I was still trying to find myself when we were together but I was definately happy. I am happy enough right now to be able to keep waking up, showering and looking after my kids. But I still ache for him. Even though I know why he was taken, I still ask about it. Part of me wonders why I couldnt go with him. Why did I have to stay here. Tangi said that if it was me that was lying there in the bed instead of him, he would be wishing and praying that he could replace me.
ya know one thing that was pretty funny tho, when i was pregnant, before he could kiss me he had to go and brush his teeth and then rinse his mouth out because I couldnt stand the smell of his breath. And I could smell it from the front door. And then when he got sick and started chemo. I walked in one day after having thoroughly brushing my teeth and washing myself, he said to me 'no offence babe, but your breathe really stinks'. Man i tried all that day to not breath on him. funny how what goes around comes around. So i made sure i had gum and everything else to try to hide my supposedly bad breath from him hahahaa.

I really miss my babe. I still wonder how the kids will turn out without their father being around. I wanted them to pick up a lot of his traits but they're picking up more of mine. haha. Especially my stubborness. Geez!! But they still crack me up with their funny little quirks.

Having a couple nightmares

A few nights ago I couldnt get to sleep. So I ended up staying up till really late. And then all I could see was my husbands face right when he died. And seeing his mums face when she died. I couldnt get it out of my head and it was really frightening. Sometimes I feel like I'm immune when it comes to my feelings about how everything really is. Because I'm good at supressing everything so that no one else knows exactly whats going on. It's not a good coping mechanism but it helps me to think things through easier.
But yeah, I was having a couple nightmares and it freaked me out a bit. I ended up crying so hard that my daughter woke up next to me, and she saw me crying and was patting my arm saying ' its alrite mum'. She's only 1 and she was trying to reassure me and make me feel better.

I had one nightmare while I was at my inlaws place when Api was sick. It 2 nights before she passed away. And I saw her standing in front of me bleeding from her nose, eyes, mouth and ears gasping for breath. I was terrified that I woke up. I didnt know what to make of it.

I started thinking about career options and if I'd actually be good at being a nurse. I think I'm good when it's an emergency, I find that all my adrenalin just pushes me into action because I know what to do. But I dont think I want to deal with all the sickness. Yeah there are the patients that go and dont' come back to the hospital. But to see the regular patients and then getting the news that they passed away. Or even trying to resuscitate them but its no use. How can Doctors do that, live with that kind of thing. They get used to it, it just becomes the norm for them. They try not to get too close to the patient so that it doesnt affect them as badly. hmm

Wateva

My kids doing their 'YES'!!!!!!!

Ok I was being a dork while i was taking these pics. hahaha. But hey, I thought I would grace my blog with my pics. ahhaha. Lookin good I guess. hahaha. Well, I was hoping that I look skinnier to the last pics I put up on here of my fat face. But hey, Have to get picked for NZ Top Model somehow. hahaha. I am contemplating whether or not I should go to this dance tonight. It's for the YSA but all the people that I still keep in contact with arent texting me back or anything to see if their going to this dance too. I've been wanting to get new friends because it's frustrating when I want to do something, they're too busy. So I need a few more mates who have different things on I guess. hahaha. And this is the single mates too. Geez. Anyways, I thought that I might just pop my head in and see who's there anyway and go from there. My kids will be in bed asleep by the time I start getting ready anyway. Well, here goes nothing.

woohoo

Tomorrow is the official day of the DVD for Twilight. So I'm going to get my reserved copy from the Warehouse and then go over to my mates place to watch it with her. And probably eat some hard out munchies. Yummmm!!!!

Okay, I'm back on again

Lucky I didnt get rid of this thing. I found that yeah I may be happy and stuff, but this is sure a really good outlet for things that arent going so good. I've had a pretty good couple of weeks. My daughter is sick, so I'm dosing her up on Pamol and I'm getting an itchy throat which usually means that in a couple days, i'm going to be sick. My mum has been sick as for about 2 weeks now. She hasnt been eating too well, and has no energy at all. She has pretty much spent most of the time in her room sleeping or just lying in bed. So yeah, she's been sick as. And then my son just has the loudest voice I know of. He quite literally just annoys me to hell when he starts yelling. I tell him to whisper, and so he does, but then he goes back to yelling again. He's in the phase at the moment that anything that goes wrong, he belts out and yell/squeel thing. He's still adorable but his volume is really getting on my nerves. When he was born, you could hear him in the next ward.
I've been trying to budget. I can do up a budget, and its realistic and everything, but sticking to it. Dammit, it's the toughest thing out. Especially when things pop up like, WOF and registration for your car, dental work, clothes that are on special. It's just so damn hard. So I'm going to try to a different way to try to save money. I'm going to get rid of my gym membership. It's on trade me at the moment, if anyone wants to get it. hint hint!!!! And I'm wanting to get rid of my phone and internet. Mostly because it's my biggest expense at the moment. Which will save me heaps of money. I just love the convenience of having my own phone line and my own internet in our room without ticking anyone off inside with using theirs all the time. Or maybe I will just get rid of my internet and attack my wireless modem to my parents so then I can still use the internet out here in our place. hahaha. Either way, I have said that I will help pay for the power in exchange for the rent, which is a little cheaper I guess. But I need to save as much as I can, as fast as I can. I have only 5 months left to Tangi's unveiling and need the money to waterproof the headstone and then to engrave it. We've already got the stone, got the shape, got the papers to apply for the permit, and the picture. Just not too sure about everything else. So my next step is to go to a monument place and ask them what they do. I'm sure they will be more than happy to offer pointers for me. I still only want immediate family and the close close friends that I invite personally to be there at the unvieling. I'm feeling a little guilty not inviting everyone else but I feel that they got to say their goodbyes at the funeral. I want this time for me and the kids. For it to be special and intimate for us. I can kind of see in some ways, that Tangi's family would feel quite robbed by this, I mean, how would I feel if Tangi only invited his family and not mine at my funeral or unvieling. I would be disappointed at that. Money is an issue. I dont want to ask his family for help because they've made such a huge deal over who gets to handle the money from Api's funeral. That's been a ridiculous fiasco in itself. But anyways, I have 4 older brothers, all whom are married, and have children. Tangi only had 2 younger sister, one with children, the other still a teenager. It does seem that it would be about my family but its not.
When Tangi first got sick, he was in hospital and one of his relations rang up, someone who he didnt know of anyways, she said that she was living in Sydney for awhile and that she hadnt seen him since they were kids. And that she wanted to come and see him because he had no family around. It annoyed me that she would think that her presence would be a comfort, someone who is a stranger, only related by blood, not by closeness or anything else, would think that her being there would somehow make things ok for him. There was even one of Tangi's Uncles who rang asking to see him, when I said that we didnt want any visitors, turned around and said ' that I shouldnt be there either if there is no visitors allowed'. It was more like, these relatives, who had never bothered to come and see us before, but felt obligated to see him that they knew he was sick felt that they had more of a right than me to go and see him. What bull!!! It's been 6 months since he passed away and I miss him like crazy. I still cry at little things, I still wish this didnt happen to us. I still hope that when I wake up, he'll be next to me, watching me, waiting for me to wake up.
Tangi had the warmest eyes, they were so kind and gentle. And mocked the crap out of me too. hahaha. He knew me inside and out, he knew when I was happy, annoyed, frustrated, anxious just by looking at me. One time, I was angry at something he said, but I didnt let him see my face. And then he asked me, are you angry. I said ' No, why would you think that', he said 'because you're breathing like you're angry'. I couldnt even hear my breathing but he noticed. He knew what ticked me off, and he admitted that he would purposely rark me up just so he could have a laugh. Geez. hahaha. He was really funny. We would laugh at the stupidest things, and it was good because we both had a good sense of humour. I really miss my babe. I keep on looking at the kids growing up and wondering what he gets to witness. What does Tangi actually get to see the kids do. Does he see his kids fighting?? Does he see them learn to ride their bike for the first time?? Does he see them laugh like there's no tomorrow?? Does he get to see them drift off to sleep? The joys of being a parent and witnessing those awesome moments, what does he get to be a part of. It's 1.44am and writing this is keeping up so I better get to sleep. I think I'm going to need a nap in the afternoon.

The Beginning of a new life

I feel that I am beginning to start a new life with my children. I'm feeling a little nervous but ecstatic that I'm allowed to have this chance to move on with my children. They make me laugh, smile, angry, mope, tired, crazy and yet I can't live without them. I'm feeling lonely but am loving my life. I always wished that Tangi was still here to share this with me. That we could be able to spend our life together. I can't take his wedding rings off yet, it feels too good on my fingers hehe. Anyways, I've got to go now because I'm dropping my kids off at my Brothers place and then off to the temple.

I am feeling a whole lot better and am thinking about ending this blog. It's more because I feel like I've come thru everything that I was feeling and going thru. I feel like I don't have this heavy weight pressed down on me anymore. I actually feel like I am moving on with all the issues that I have written about. The issues that had me for the last few years. I'm not over my husband but I do know that I have a life to get on with. I'm not going keep putting things on hold because I'm feeling sad. Getting out there for me has been the best thing, because it's helped to stop be so selfish and worry about whats really important. I've got the same ideas and perspectives but have just added onto what I already thought and felt. I don't resent those that I had a bit of conflict with, I don't feel that I have to please everyone, I don't feel that I have to be so angry all the time. I actually feel really happy with what I have achieved. I feel like I can do whatever I want. I had accomplished a really important goal just recently and it was something that I have been working on for quite a while. And I achieved it. It was exhilirating to know that I have come so far and I wanted to celebrate with my family and friends. But came to the conclusion that this was my happy news and I will share it with my children. Yes, I am trying to make some new friends so that I can get back out into the socialising circle. Will be a little bit difficult but hey, I think it's going to be worth it and worthwhile. I know that what I'm going to experience in the next 15-20 years are going to be a brand new chapter on my life. I just feel so wonderful.

My grown up kids

Here are my two grown up kiddies. I tied Pearls hair up but she keeps pulling the hairtie out. She'll get used to it. She's 20months. So I guess that makes her 1 year and 7 months old. Dupri with his short haircut and smooth looks. hahaha. I am going to have trouble with him, he'll be bringing home all the girls.

The kids doing their head to the side, cutie look. haha. Well, it's actually Pearl's move but Dupri thought it'd be kool to do it for the camera too.

This is is nice photo of them. And what's even cooler, is that both me and Tangi are in the background. See, our family photo.

This is a really nice brother sister photo. I love it!!!! He looks really protective of his sister, which he is by the way. And Pearl knowing her big brother is there for her. What little cuties!!

Not much has been happening lately. Just the same ol. Still feeling tired but also feeling lighter and happier than I've been in a long time. Feels good to smile again for real. Not to have to fake smile so that no one knows whats going on inside. It's actually a genuine smile. But yeah, right now, my eyes are getting heavy, my kids are sleeping. So maybe I should follow suit. Get a power nap in.