OK

Ok now, just so you know about what happened yesterday. I have been having an uphill battle with my niece. She's an awesome young lady but chooses to act younger than she is yet expects respect in return. So yeah, yesterday she was really getting on my nerves and a couple times, made me feel inadequate as a mother. She would bring my daughter into me saying ' there's your mum there ok, she's right there go to her' in that tone which says, there's your irresponsible mother. now my neice is 11years old and i let myself get angry at a comment that came from a girl who has NO IDEA what its like to have children. So that was my fault that I got so angry but even more angry that no matter what I said to her, she would still treat my kids like they were hers and that she could treat them badly with no repercussions. There was one time during the day where I was walking to give her a hiding because she had tipped me over the edge but she took off before I got there. Now for all those who have a teenager in their homes or who have looked after them. Dont' take crap from them. I have quite literally had enough of teenagers. Yeah I used to be one, Yeah I drove my mum up the wall. But the whole process of getting growled for my attitude and everything else was good for me. It helped me to learn what I was doing was wrong. And it got me ready for when it came to me looking after teenagers. I'm usually all sweet until they start treating my kids like their pests. And then they start talking to me as if I'm the problem.

I had asked Tangi one time if I was too hard. He never thought I was. He just thought that because I did everything and I remember how it felt. That I'm more on the ball now in picking up where the action and attitude will lead. One thing that I've always wanted my kids to know, and anyone else that comes to stay with me. Is that trust is a huge thing for me. If I can trust you, you can pretty much do what you want. If I don't trust you, You're not going to get away with anything at all and I will make your life hell. Well thats what I said to one person in particular. But it's funny how, even someone who is smart enough to scheme about what they're going to do to get away with something, isn't smart enough to figure out the trust thing. They just don't get it. My niece is just like that.

One thing I'm dreading is my son and daughter hitting that stage. My daughter already has attitude but can usually do her sad eyes and cute grin to get out of anything. My son just gets in trouble then turns around and says ' I'm sorry mummy'. How can you stay angry at that. man.

Now, while I've been writing this blog, There's been a few things that have upset me a whole lot and I try my best not to say who it is. But then people, who it's not about are asking me if it's about them. So I just want you to know that even if I am talking about someone in particular or a particular situation, I still only want those who are involved to know who it was and not everyone else to know who it was. Because I was thinking that if and when they were to read this, they won't be too happy that I've put it in this blog. But at the same time, it's something thats been eating at me for such a long time and at such an intensity that I need to get it out somehow and this is the only way I know how at the moment without going overboard with it. This is my way of coping at the moment, it's my way of trying to deal with everything, of trying to put things into perspective. I would love to specify exactly who it is that I am talking about, but if I'm only writing it to prove a point when I've already gotten over it, then why mention their name anyways. you know what I'm saying i'm pretty sure.

I am dreading going to my family reunion and introducing my family. I am dreading this whole holiday. I am dreading this coming year. I am dreading going to my inlaws place. Now the inlaws. they are wonderful people and are really kind and thoughtful. But just lack in the 'need to back off' department. I'm not ready to go and spend the night at their place. Not because of anything that they've done, only because I'm not ready to go into the room that me and Tangi shared, I'm not ready to go thru his things. I'm not ready to have to deal with all of that yet. Yet, they have been pressuring me to spend a whole week with them and to stay in his room. His mum at one point pulled out his hair from his first haircut and was trying to give it to me to hold, but I just pulled back and was just looking at her like 'Are you mad or something' . I wasn't ready. I want my kids to go and spend some time with them, I want them to spend time wth the kids but I still need some time. I have told them this but it's still not registering. His mum has breast cancer, but the cancer has developed so much that it's spread massively, into her lungs so she has trouble breathing, it really close to her heart. She won't have long.

Tangi told me that his mum had come to him in the hospital and told him that she didnt have long, but the Dr's couldnt say much else. He was crying when he told me that. My reaction wasnt the same, I said to him ' oh ok'. Tangi got angry at me because he expected the same reaction from me that he had when he heard about it. After he calmed down a bit, I told him that I'm sorry that I don't feel exactly the same way as you, but I am sad about it. Tangi had a totally different relationship to his mum that I did, so of course he was a whole lot closer and felt a greater loss than I did. At first I felt bad that I didnt feel as strongly, but Tangi said to me, that he understood why I don't feel exactly the same way as him. That my experiences were totally different to his. So yes, I am sad that this is happening to his family. I guess in most ways tho, I am pretty jealous too, like I've always been. Because when she does go, she gets to spend that time with him anyways, and yet, I'm still here and have to wait. why does that happen aye?? That you have to wait for that something great.

I was telling Tangi one time, that when the time is right, just have to wait a little bit longer and then the reward will be a whole lot greater. So, thats just one of those things. And here I am just babbling again. I'm not so tired today anyways. Which is good. I'm a lot happier because I got to talk about it to my sisinlaw last night. And my other sisinlaw this morning. So yeah, my mum wants to go carolling at tangi's grave tomorrow night, which should be ok cause Dupri knows Jingle bells. hahaha.

Feeling frustrated and angry

It's like since I woke up, I can't shake this feeling and emotion. And it's not helping anyone else because they're all avoiding me because I keep snapping at everyone. I'm angry because we will no longer have Tangi to share Christmas with again. We will never be able to open our gifts with him. We will never be able to do our little Christmas devotionals again. We will never be able to go christmas shopping with each other. We will never be able to have any more family photos.

Even tho I've got family around and I hang out with a couple people. I can never express how I'm really feeling, because one) they don't have the time or energy to hear it, two) they've got kids and husbands that need attention too, three) it just sounds like i'm complaining most of the time four) I will probably just go on and on and on. I have tried to talk to a couple people but it's just not the same. I can't talk as freely as I did with Tangi. I can't feel the same way as I did with Tangi.

I'm so frustrated today that everything that my kids and my nieces are doing are pissing me off. All I can hear is 'dupri, stop doing that! dupri, don't touch that, pearl get out of there, pearl stop touching that' It just feels like my kids can never really have fun with any of their cousins because they're the youngest. All they get are growlings from their older cousins and it really pisses me off that they don't just play with them. So I have to take my kids away just so they can have a break. Which leaves me with no break once again. I hate talking about anything because those who I say a little bit to, can't comprehend what and how I'm feeling because it's so much to deal with. Sometimes I try to say it out loud what I'm feeling and sometimes it just feels stupid doing that. But oh well. I don't know if Tangi can read my mind now or what. If he can, then primo. Cause at least he still knows what I'm going thru but its just hard that I can't get anyone else to understand it either. I'm crying constantly yet no one knows what to say, no one lets me tell them why I'm crying, even tho they think they know. I'm excited but dreading the reunion with my family because I'm going to feel even worse. Happy that I'm with my family but hurting so much because I couldnt bring Tangi to meet any of them. Because he couldnt share this with me and the kids. Because we couldnt go as a family like the rest are. I'm despising the fact that I'm in this little torn family and everyone gets to still play happy families and I'm left in the dark.

Now just so you know, if it does sound like I'm babbling and talking about crap, well it's probably because I can't think straight right now. I really need a holiday. I need to get away from everyone and just have my own space. Even away from my children. I've been wanting to get a massage for ages and so I was going to save for a holiday just to relax and try to get my head around a couple things.

My son has a christmas party at 6 tonight and hopefully that goes well. He'll be singing and stuff. so that'll be fun to watch.

I just wish that when people say that they're here for me, then to be there for me. I just can't handle much more. Maybe I need to go and talk to someone else about all this. Yeah, i think that's what I'll do.

Temple lights with the family

Dupri was having a ball. He was so good that he was listening to everyone and still having heaps of fun. I rewarded him with a 'Good Boy Dupri' and a hug and kiss. Not that I give those to him anyways but I felt really proud of him tonight.

Jax and Dionte. It was kool that they came with us. Helped with the transport. hahaha. Thanks guys. This is a pretty kool photo of them.

Kara and Tiarns. It was kool being there with my family.

Me and Pearl just cheesing it out. hahaha. Obviously Pearl stole the show.

Pearl and Tiarns walked from the cars to the lights holding hands all the way. Kool.

I went for a walk around by myself just so I could see what the lights were like. But then all of a sudden I just felt like I wanted to burst out crying. I didnt have my husband there to share this experience with. He wasnt here to help hold the kids or to have a family photo in front of the lights or even to hold my hand up the the driveway. Sister Katene came up to me and gave me a hug and I just couldnt help but start balling my eyes out. I was really trying not to but it just overcame me. She gave me this flower from her garden which smelt really good. She said that she picks them every night just so she can smell it before she goes to sleep. I was really touched that even tho it wasn't the hugest gesture or anything, but it made me feel soo much better. Like as if it was Tangi giving me that flower. So now the kids are asleep and I'm staying up waiting for my sister to come in and hang out. She has to get her girls to sleep first which takes ages. hahaha. But yeah, time for hold outs from the kids. hehehe.

Morning at the pools

Pearl was loving the water. As you can see obviously that she'll end up being pretty good in the water. Put her in cold water tho, and she won't even touch it with her toe. haha. She was loving this swim. It was at Gallaghers pool over in Melville. They had all these toys out, it was pretty awesome. So yeah, we went about 10am and it was a pretty awesome time just for the kids.

Ryen doing her Models Inc pose already. hahaha.

Uncle Roman was helping Dupri to learn how to swim. Dupri hasnt really been in the water that much, its pretty tough going swimming with both of them by myself. But since there was a heap of us, it was good to just go and spend time with one of the kids. Pearl is pretty clingy to me, and yeah it's my fault i guess but no matter what I try to do, she always cries for me. So no real break from her yet. Dupri was doing really well. he thought he was big and was going into the deep end of the kiddie pool.

This was on the way to the pools. Pearl was getting herself ready for the chlorine. And Tiarns was just chilling out.

Dupri wanted to put the eyes on. Which in translation means Goggles. He was just staunching everyone out cause he had his eyes on. hahaha. Ryen was pretty good to let him wear them until we got to the pools. Roman and Jas had come and picked us all up to go. Lucky they had a van to fit us all in and still had to get another car. Man, I really need to get my car fixed.

Christmas Tree

This was the end result of the kids christmas tree. It's proudly sitting on top of the TV. The kids did this one all by themselves. We weren't going to have anything but Dad told Mum that the tree should be put just for the kids. Dupri and Pearl were so excited with all the new things that they could touch, that it was hard just to get them to focus on putting things on the tree. I say that's the Cook Island them. hahahaha.

They were trying to help Nanny Gayle with the big tree but ended up just wanting to rummage through the box full of decorations

Dupri helping Nanny sort through the decorations. the kids lasted for about half an hour before I had to take them out to the room to go to bed. They did pretty well. They helped Nanny decorate the big tree too. It looks pretty good with some tweaking from me and Nanny.

Right now

I am enjoying some chocolate almonds and sparkling grape juice, compliments of Ari. Thanks Ari. It went to a good cause. hahaha.

Has anyone seen 'Twilight' at the movies. Now if you don't know already, I love to read. But I especially love to read about Vampires. I don't know what fascinates me about them, the fact that they are mysterious, have mind powers, super strength, beautiful, etc. My sisinlaw kara was telling me about this movie and apparently it's a series of books. So I have already ordered the books so that I can get straight onto reading them. Just so you know how much I read, I can read about 800 pages within 6 hours. And that's with toilet breaks and eating. So yeah, I love to read. It just gets your imagination going and whatever is described in the book, you can see it play out in your mind. I tried to tell Tangi about the experience of a good book, but he could never get it. He wasnt a reader. But he was glad that I was happy. Sometimes, I think that reading a book is so much better than watching a movie about it, because you get to see into the persons mind, not just try and imagine what they're thinking. You get to visualise that they see, not what the screen lets you see. So yeah the author is Stephenie Meyer. I got into the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice. They were some pretty good books. If you know the movies 'Queen of the Damned' and the other one with Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, they were firstly written by Anne Rice. Blade is also a favourite of mine. Anything that is written well and captures my imagination, I will read it. I hope at least one of my children will love reading and that they continue to do it throughout their life.
I broke my tooth the other day, it was already damaged when we were in Sydney, but I had it repaired while we were over there. And I was eating icecream the other day, and piece of it just broke off. I'm still thinking about whether I should try to get it repaired again or just pull it out. The Greening side don't have good teeth, so I have been blessed with bad teeth too. I have fillings in nearly every tooth, I have 2 teeth missing already and 2 teeth that need repairing. I think that I will have to seriuosly look into false teeth by the time I'm 30. shame!!!!! I keep trying to make sure my kids look after their teeth. So here's hoping they got Tangi's genes with their teeth. He had pretty good teeth, only thing was gaps in his teeth. They obviously got my looks hahahahha. Well I think they look a whole lot like Tangi.

I was kind of thinking how long it will take me to become Supermum. By the time both of my children get to school I need to have a career to support my children. To be able to pay for their schooling, to pay for their birthdays, for their wants and musthaves, for Dupri's mission and Pearl's wedding. All these things me and Tangi had talked about us doing. Making sure that we had the money to be able to do all of these. And to still have enough for us to buy a house and retire on. I will still be trying to make that happen as best as I can. At the moment, I'm not working, just focusing on my children and studies. Then next year will up the game a bit by adding something else into the equation. Not sure what tho yet. But we'll see how things go. It's 8 days till Christmas.

My sisinlaw Kara and Ryen and Tiarns arrived yesterday from Australia. I havent caught up much since they've come in but it feels really good to have them here. It's always good to have them around. My Brother Zappa gets in on Friday. But probably won't see him till Saturday when we wake up.

I always wonder, will I be single for the rest of my life. Maybe, I don't know. All I know at the moment, is I'm going to take my time. If it takes me 20 years, then it'll take me 20 years. One thing that worries me tho, is that if there was someone who was willing to take on a widow with two children, what happens if we have children. Who do those children go to, becuase there's no way that I'm going to be sealed to anyone else. If I do end up with someone, I'm going to make sure that I'm never going to leave Tangi. If another man makes a committment to me, it'll literally be till death do us part. And not for time and eternity. I told tangi that I want noone but him. so maybe being single for the rest of my life is going to be what I need to do. Who knows.....because I don't. I never knew that I would marry a wonderful one in a million man and then lose him to cancer. No one knew that would happen....but it did. I know he follows me wherever I go. I can feel him. Just a bit hard to talk to him when you can't hear what he's saying to you.

Comparison of Tangi

If you wanted to see the kind of person was, I mean the funny wacky side. Just get a DVD of hi5 and watch Nathan. He has the same mannerisms and energy that Tangi had. Tangi always had all the energy in the world. So yeah, Nathan off Hi5 is the perfect person that reminds of Tangi. hahah. Just go and have a look.

Christmas coming way too soon

I am getting excited because this year Dupri will be able to remember a little bit of what happened. but at the same time, it just feels empty and lonely.

Last year, Tangi was in hospital and not allowed out. So we had a little family thing at home, but the entire time i just wanted to go up to Tangi and spend the day with him. When we finally were able to go up, the kids were restless and everyone was tired. i hated doing that to Tangi, being tired and frustrated by the time i went up to see him. i was always happy to see him, and I always tried my best to make sure he could see that, but things just get you down so fast. It even just takes one little comment. The kids managed to open their pressies with their dad. he loved to be able to be a part of it, regardless of where he was. I ended up going up later that day to spend the rest of the day with Tangi. When the kids went back to NZ, I pretty much stayed up in the hospital the entire time with Tangi. Would only come home for a shower and then go back up to be with him. There wasnt much to do at all but it was still really good just to sleep with him, eat with him, talk with him.
Sometimes I wonder at how I will be when it comes to my kids, whether or not I will be too overprotective of them or not. I know it's just a natural thing, but will I be able to let them go..........
With the things that I've experienced over the past few years, I hope that I will be able to let them go and give them the space that they need to be able to find themselves. To make the mistakes that they need to to be able to learn the lessons that will help them through life. Will I be able to laugh again, and not just when I'm with my family and friends, but really laugh. Last time i laughed was when me and Tangi were watching Funniest home Videos. And Tangi just sat there and watched me laughing, because he couldnt remember the last time he saw me laugh so hard. It nearly made me cry to think that this whole time has been really hard and depressing. There are heaps of things that i will never tell anyone, because it's too private. i always have this fear that whenever i tell someone something, it's told to the next person, then the next person and then I'm a conversation not a person.
I've had a lot of comments come to me about people asking about how I am and stuff. I get annnoyed because these people that are asking, will never come up to me and actually have a conversation with me. They will never genuinely want to know thiings about me to get to know me. It makes me think that they're just plastic and offer fake promises.
I had one experience where someone had said to me, that if i needed anything then don't hesitate to ask. So, I needed someething, went to this person, and they just looked at me blankly and made an excuse as to why they couldnt help me. i just brushed it off as nothing, but when i thought about it later. it was like 'hang on', this person said that they would help me, so why arent they. So it clicked, this was one of the many many people who say the famous line ' IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, JUST CALL!!" The ones who say that don't leave me a number to call, don't come and visit me, don't make any effort to see if everything is ok. i must admit, I have done that a couple times, I like to think that I'm a good friend and that I try to give support to my friends whenever I can. But there are those times that you do say that, but never have any intentions of following thru.
I've been making an effort as of late to make sure that I follow thru with all my promises that I make. If i don't promise anything, it usually means that I just won't do it, or it will be a last minute thing, if i don't have anything else on.
Well now it feels like I'm babbling so I should stop for now, or until I can't sleep again. Ah well, I guess thats part of the whole process of going thru something so traumatic. My husband told me that I was described as a very strong woman, compared to the woman of old. I intend to prove him right.

bleh

I feel like I'm writing the same things over and over on here, but I still feel the same way, just because this is a blog doesnt mean that I feel differently every single day and that I have to find something different to write. I'm going to write whatever I'm feeling that day because that is what this blog is for.

One of the things that I keep thinking about is why did this have to happen to my family. Why couldnt this happen to someone else. I know thats selfish, but we are both young. Tangi was only 27, we just started our family. I'm 24 and already a widow with two children under the age of 3. I would always tell Tangi ' Why couldnt we have been given us something else, why did it have to be this.'
I was trying to think of so many reasons to why Tangi was better use in heaven than here on earth. I thought about all the things that he did. He was a convert to the church, he served a mission and we got sealed in the temple. We were doing our best with everything. One thing his extended family said when Tangi first got diagnosed was that he was being cursed for how we treated his sister. What bull!!!! Seriously!!!!! There's a reason to why we didnt want much of a cultural influence in our wedding etc. Because there's so much crap that's being told as if it's truth. Even on the maori culture side of things, yeah it's traditional and so you respect that, but to try and get other people to believe it. Me and Tangi always put our religion as our main culture. Not the cook island culture and not the maori culture. We did want to have a little bit of those in our lives so our children knew where they came from but not to have it influence their decisions. Only the gospel should be influencing their decisions and thats it.
Now if you're wondering about the sister thing, well I will touch base on a little bit of what happened.
We had asked for Tangi's lil sister to come and live with us because she wasnt doing well at home. Her parents agreed with us that there was more opportunities for her and that we were able to give her those opportunities. Well her being as stubborn as she is, decided that she thought she knew better and didnt want to listen and did nothing with the opportunities that were there. So after about 6 months with her not listening, I had given birth to our daughter, Dupri was getting into the terrible two stage and it was just too much to deal with all at once. She was getting even worse with her behaviour and attitude towards us so we sent her away. Twice actually. So thats the gyst of what happened. Hopefully she has learnt from what happened over there in Sydney but wished that it didnt happen in the first place.
So I'm 24 and I've already experienced a hell of lot that other people don't experience until they're mid 40's or something.

But yeah, thats just how i've been feeling today. Is why couldnt this have happened to someone else.

Gardens

I just wanted to put these pics up of us at the gardens. hahaha. We went to the gardens straight after going to the Cemetary. It was pretty kool, havent been there since 2005. So a little bit has changed and all the flowers are blooming so it was good to see the changes.

Sunday 14th Dec

This is where Tangi lies. Today was the first time since I crashed my car that I've been able to come and see Tangi. Jax and Dionte thought it would be nice to bring me. It was really awesome to be able to have that gift. At least until I can get out here on my own with my car fixed.

This is the tree that's behind him. It's going to grow into such a beautiful tree.

I had to clean it up a bit. He had additional flowers. I had to remove a couple stuff, there was a bag of sand and dirt that was just plonked there. It was pretty ugly and couldnt get why it was there. So put some of the the sand and stuff into the vases and then removed the rest. It looks a whole lot prettier. I'm really grateful for my Brother and Sis-in-law, they just come over just to say hi, they help me out quite a lot. They were mainly the reason why I stayed sane during the funeral. Dionte and Jax talked me into keeping my head and trying to make that I was ok. Out of all my brothers, I'm closest with Jaxon. Mostly because we were pretty much brought up together. Our big brothers had gone off to boarding school and it was just me and Jax. He would always take me out with him, let me hang out with him and his friends. When I was old enough, I would try to make sure that I looked out for him. Not that I don't love all my brothers, cause I've got a lot. But he's always been my closest brother. I'm really glad that he chose to be with an awesome girl who I get along with and we click just like that. Dionte gets me a lot too. So yeah, today it was a real special gift that they gave me, and I really appreciate them for it. Thanks guys!!!!!

Saturday 13th Dec

Jaxon and Dionte came and picked us up. They took us to the Glenview Christmas in the Park. Kajsa was performing. Didnt get any good photos of her, she was pulling too many faces. hahaha. They had a couple pretty good stalls. And by a couple, I mean 3. hahahaha. Ah well, the kids were having with the Toy Library stuff. Pearl had started off sliding down backwards and just cracking up laughing when she hit the ground at the bottom of the slide. hahaha.

Both Pearl and Dupri took off at one stage and found them here in the jumpy castle. As you can see they were having massive loads of fun.

This is us walking to the park. It was a kool night.

FRIDAY 12TH DEC

We had a Christmas party for Family Start on Friday just gone. They're a service that I've been with since coming back to New Zealand in February with Tangi. They help single mothers who have children under the age of 3. And because Tangi was in hospital, I was pretty much a single mother. So this was our end of year function. There was a puppeteer show, they had some other kool puppets but it started raining so had to pack up and run inside.

Dupri went straight onto the jumpy castles. I had a hard time just trying to calm him down enough to get his shoes off. hahaha

Pearl even had a pretty good go too. She was enjoying it soo much that she was trying to follow Dupri up the slide. But because of the other big kids using it, had to take her off. Dumb kids!!!

So it was a pretty good, extremely hot but wet day.