Finally went down to Tokoroa

Okay, it was pretty hard for me to go down there. But I went. They came back and picked me up to go down there.

We got there and I was really tired so decided to go to bed straight away. Got up the next day and ended up going into town to try and find some sunglasses, but to no avail. Tried to find some tshirts for Pearl but there werent any. So just went and bought some fruit. At least I didnt go back empty handed. It was quite boring, so had to do stuff to make it a bit more constructive. Like trying to come up with things to make it more exciting for the kids. In the end, the kids made their own fun. It was Tangi's Parents, and both his sisters. We had a meeting to talk about whats going to happen with the funeral arrangements and stuff. Who's doing what and stuff. I warned them that if it's anything like Tangi's funeral, then to expect everyone to try and walk all over them once she's gone. Hope it doesnt happen, but anything that has to do with me, they will come and have a go at me. Only because I'm married into the family and for them, it'll be their time to say whatever they want to say about me to my face. Api has asked that she wants me included in the organising of her funeral arrangements and everything else up to it and even after. She wants me to be included in all of it. She actually wants to be buried next to Tangi. But her husband said no, she will go here in Tokoroa. So she said ok. I told her that it doesnt matter where you get buried, becuase you don't linger around the cemetary. You're actually doing stuff to help prepare for the millenium. And that Tangi will be there to come and get her when the time comes. She will be able to see him still. So she felt a bit better with that and agreed with her husband that she'll stay in Tokoroa. One thing that will have to happen, is to get her to put it on video saying whats going to happen with certain things, so that if anybody contests it, then we can just play it to them and that will hopefully shut them up and just try to support the family.

I was thinking about what were all the good things that came out of the funeral of Tangi's. And it saddens me to say that I can't really recall much of it. I was sooo angry. I was angry at the reactions of people, I was angry at the attitude of people as well, I was angry at comments made by people. I was even angry at the fact that yeah at different times there were different people coming to see if I was ok, which was kool and really good and stuff. But I just felt that there wasnt someone there for me, the entire time, just one person to stay with me the entire time. There were a lot of times where I was alone, I had to go out and get my own food, I had to go and get my own clothes. Just reading this, it looks stupid that I'm complaining about this, but it really did matter. Especially when you don't want to leave your husbands side, you jsut want to stay there. But I guess I expected too much and that was my downfall, that I expected too much of anyone to do that for me. I did have everyone there for me which I really appreciate and everything. But I now know that what I really needed, was someone to be with me the entire time. To go and help me to get ready for the day, to make sure that I ate and that I got some rest. But yeah, thats enoug gripeing for one day I think.

So yeah, while down in Tokoroa, Api made it known to us that we are responsible for what happens to her and that she does want me included in everything. She's even asked for me to help dress her but that I will ultimately be the one to deal with the female religious side of things. So hopefully the extended family will understand and be supportive.

This was the boys the morning we left. They wanted to do a rugby photo. Front row: Harper Second Row: Jaxon, Leyton, Aaron, Zappa. Back row: Uncle Alan, Dad, Roman, Uncle Donald Pearl sliding down their new gym set thing.

Dupri can't get enough of their swing. It's always "Mummmmmm, sweeng please, mummmmmm'. hahahha.

The kids have finally gone for a few days, the inlaws came and got them. they still want me to go down. I'm warming up more at the idea. They said that they'll get Tangi's sister to come back and get me since my car isnt legal yet.

I'm actually enjoying the quiet so far. I've caught up on study. Actually posted off my first assignment which feels really awesome. Hopefully will get my results next week sometime. I'm still waiting for the book Twilight to get here. Will end up getting the other two books from the series next week sometime too. Man, I'm so hanging out for those books. I am literally watching the movie about 2-3 times a day. i'm pretty sure I won't get sick of it. But who knows, I think reading the books will make it that much more exciting. hahahaha. I can't wait till the good quality one comes out.

I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow morning, so that'll be kool. Havent been in awhile. But it'll be good to go and just sweat it out. I've still got to lose all my weight by the end of the year. I've been looking thru some dollar stores for some decoration ideas for Jax and Diontes wedding. Found some pretty kool stuff that'll go together but have to see if Dionte likes them first. So yeah, that's about my day so far. I've been having a bit of fun today, well it's nothing that exciting but I just feel a lot happier today. Had the odd cry inbetween stuff but overall, feeling ok.

I am now officially obsessed with TWILIGHT

Now I know this may sound silly, but yeah I am obsessed with it. I am waiting for my books to arrive and I got a copy of Twilight off my brother. And I can't stop watching it. The last movie I did this to was 'Queen of the Damned'. Yeah that movie was pretty corny and stuff, I just like Vampires. But you know, if I was to see the main actor off Twilight in the street, I probably wouldn't look at him twice. So, It's only the movie that I'm fascinated in. hahaha. Man I really feel like a teenager all over again everytime I watch it. It's more of a star crossed love story than an action film, just about a romance that will never work. Because c'mon, a Vampire and a human, especially when the vampire just wants to kill you and drink your blood.

ok, i'm rambling. hahaha. and now I sound like a nerd. hahaha.

So I just had to put that in.

I spoke to my motherinlaw tonight. Got the kids to ring up and say hi to their grandparents and Dupri wouldnt stop talking about what he was doing. I knew that this was the reason but I didnt want to admit it, but the reason why they want me to go down to Tokoroa so badly is that she pretty much could go anytime now. She's been given the word by the Dr's, that there's nothing they can do for her anymore and she will go any day. I'm pretty torn between going to see them and not. I want to go to show some support and that I do care, which I do. I don't want to go because I don't want to go to another funeral, I don't want to see death again. I just can't help but wonder what Tangi's dad is feeling. He has just lost his only son, and is about to lose his wife too. They're in Auckland at the moment hanging out with their family, which is kool for them. And arent sure when they'll make the trip back to Tokoroa. I'm assuming that she'll be buried in Tokoroa. So yeah, I'm a bit torn about this whole thing.

In total, my family has experienced death so much within the last couple of years. I can't say exactly who lost who, but there has been so much of it. It's really unbelievable. The amount of sickness and death is pretty depressing and heartbreaking. But at the end of the day, It's all a part of life, and no matter how much we try to avoid it, It's still going to happen whether we like it or not.

Advice Giver

I guess when you've been thru so much you have to have learned a few lessons along the way. A couple of the lessons that I learned, I had to learn the hard way. So, rather than keeping it all to myself, I might as well share them.

1. If you're engaged and wanting to go thru the temple to get married. Don't take longer than a month to get married.

2. If it is going to be longer than a month engagement, then have a plan for each other. Agree with each other to only stay out to a certain time. Never go into each others room. Always make sure that you have the Lord's house as your goal.

3. Love your husband/wife no matter what they do. Unless it's breaking one of the commandments like murder or adultery, then it should be easier to forgive.

4. If you can't forgive them, then at least talk it thru like adults and try to deal with it before making any hasty decisions.

5. Always make time for each other no matter how busy your schedule will become. And be willing to let them go when they need to.

6. Try to always have fun and laugh.

7. Be willing to listen, even when you don't like hearing what's being said.

8. Try putting yourself in their shoes

9. Make sure your husband/wife know that they come first

10. Always put some time away every day, even for an hour for yourself. With nobody but yourself. A movie, a walk, a long bath. Anything that will help you stay sane and remember who you are.

So there you have it, my ten notes of advice. hahaha. I could possibly become the next Dr Phil after all of this. haha. Anyways, I think that these are all pretty important anyways.

My dad was Bishop of the YSA ward, and we always used to talk about the most common things that the YSA would go in and talk to him about. Now, keep in mind that I don't know who any of these people are and have never found out who they were either. He never told me any names but only gave me generalised versions of what the majority were doing.

So, he said that basically 98% of YSA were going to see him about Chastity issues. Now, this does make sense. Because you're finally at that age where there are no parents around, more hot looking guys an girls around and you can pretty much do what you want. You can move out of home and do your own thing. You go to all the conferences and talks and stuff that talk about the law of chastity but nobody ever tells you any specifics. The most specific thing that I was told about was at what point should you stop. Looking back on my life, my advice would be to just not start it in the first place. Holding hands or even the first kiss leads to the 'all the way' part. Especially when thats what you're thinking.

You meet a guy, he's interested. You're interested and all of a sudden all you can think about is doing every nasty under the sun with that person. Lust takes over. Luckily for me and Tangi tho, was that we were in love before lust came into play. We had been friends for a really long time that we were already in love. So yeah, first it started with holding hands. Then it was the first kiss, and then before we knew it, we were in the room. And it was really hard to stop. It was excruciating to stop. We both knew that that was what we had to do, but it was really really hard. It even got to the point, that my flatmates asked Tangi to not stay around anymore because they felt responsible for our wellbeing. I was really ticked off when I found out about that, because it had quite literally been, up until a certain someone moved in, that what goes on in your room, stays in your room. So long and you don't disturb everyone else then sweet as. So thats what we had done. So yeah, i was pretty ticked off.

At the same time, I knew that what we were doing was wrong, especially because we still had another 3 months to go before we got married.

Now the thing about the lead up to our wedding, it was really tough for both of us. We knew that we wanted to be together, we wanted to spend eternity with each other. But Satan was really doing a good job on us. We had nearly everything going against us. When we went to stay at Tangi's folks place, they encouraged us to sleep in the same room. So of course, we didnt say no. When we came home, we were getting the stares and the whispers and the gossiping. And that actually made us cling to each other even more. It wasnt until a couple weeks to the wedding that we both found out what someone who was close to us had done to us, especially Tangi. This person, had been going around and had judged us for what we did. I was pregnant, yes I was feeling concerned about our eternal wellbeing, but I was actually over the moon that I was having a baby. Because I knew that Tangi would be there for me, he wanted it too. This particular person had said stuff about Tangi and me, saying that Tangi had been on a mission and he had standards but now he doesnt. And a lot of other stuff.

When we both heard this, I wanted to march right over to that persons place and punch her in the face and literally wanted nothing to do with her again. Tangi stopped me from doing it, he just said that he was really angry and disappointed and had actually considered breaking up with me because he didnt want to be involved with someone as malicious as that. And even tho I was the one he was marrying, he still has to see this person every now and then. Tangi suprised me immensly when he bought flowers for this person on the morning of our wedding. He had said to me, that he's only human, he makes mistakes too. So really, who are we to judge anyone else. We all make mistakes, on purpose or not, it's still our choice and the mentality leading up to that mistake, nobody else knows but that person. Because at the end of the day, its the person who made the mistake who has to suffer the consequences.

Me and Tangi were put on probation for 6 months. I was ok with that, it just meant that we couldnt participate in anything really. Tangi really found it hard. He found it hard that we couldnt partake of the sacrament, we couldnt offer to do any prayers in church or any activities, we couldnt participate in any activities. We had to miss out because of our mistake. But we made it thru, we were sealed in the Sydney Temple for all time and eternity and our children are sealed to us as well. We wondered what our life wouldve ended up like if we had of had the strength to resist those lustful urges. If we wouldve moved to Sydney, if we still wouldve had Dupri and Pearl. Or if we wouldve got somebody else. If we wouldve had to endure even half the trials that we had to face to the lead up of our wedding. I just hope that you're most willing to be understanding than to judge. I still have a hard time of it now, but I always try my best. Because, I'm still a superwoman in the making, and that's all that matters