Bored, frustrated and airy

Well now that we've finished our holiday, it's back to doing nothing all day. But I'm still trying to save to get my car fixed. The thing is, is that it does go. Nothings wrong with it, I just can't drive without any lights on the front of my car and to do that, I have to get the metal that holds the entire bumper onto the car. Just havent gotten around to it yet.

So like I said a blog or two ago, I went and saw 'Twilight'. I am becoming obsessed with it. I have already ordered the series and just want more of it. Man, this is what happened before me and Tangi got married, is that when a really good book came out, I couldnt think about anything else. Then the movie would come out and then I'd get even more obsessed with it. But then, the kids kind of distracted me from that because they're always so noisy.

Dad's finished the gate now, so it's good that the kids can run around and I'm not freaking out that my kids will run onto the road. so now, they run straight inside to my parents place and stay in there for ages. They're allowed to come and go as they please. And then I take them out to their new play swing set which has a swing, slide, tramp and a double swing. It's pretty kool. Uncle Zappa, Aunty Kara and mum and dad got it for the kids. Dupri and Pearl have to get used to it though.

I'm still waiting for the inlaws to say that they want to take the kids. they're still asking when I'm coming down. hmmmm.

I'm still missing Tangi. I still cry when I'm alone. But when there are people around me, I just put on a 'I'm ok' face. Because no matter how I feel at that moment, I won't deal with it until I'm alone and can think better. Me and Dad were talking about Tangi the other night, Dad keeps on saying that I was lucky to have him. I know that I was lucky to him, because I don't think that I wouldve found a man anywhere as near as perfect as he was. Our marriage went so smoothly because Tangi was willing to understand me, and if he didnt understand me, he would ask me how I was feeling. He always wanted to know what I was thinking. Even if the thing I was thinking was hurtful. But it worked, our communication was actually really good, that no one could to us without the other one knowing. We would literally stay up to all hours of the morning just talking about how we're feeling, our goals, our dreams etc. And this would be about 2 or 3 times a week we would do this.

The last night we spent together, he had come home from hospital the day before. I had asked for the hospital bed to be brought home because I couldnt exactly put the bed on a tilt by myself and it made things a bit easier. He really wanted to sleep with me in our bed. I really wanted him to too, but me being logical and thinking about everything else instead, I didnt want him to be uncomfortable because he was lying completely flat. So he slept in his bed, and I slept in ours. We both had a little sleep and Tangi woke up and was calling for me. So I woke up and asked him what he wanted, He just wanted a drink so I went and got him one. And then we spent the rest of the night talking about how good it felt with him being home. It felt like we were a family again, after so long of being apart, we felt like a couple. It felt really good just to have him in the room where I was comfortable and the kids were comfortable and me and tangi were able to just talk without anyone coming in and interrupting us. Tangi had no pain since he came into our home.

Now if you were to try to imagine the type of pain that Tangi was in every single day. His back was in pain 24/7. It had these sharp pains constantly going thru his back like as if they were extreme pins and needles. And he had needle pains in his hands and feet. Nothing that he could do would make it go away. Nothing the medications would do would make it go away. He was soo painful that for awhile, you could barely touch him because it was too painful for him. Just to change him and shower him was agonizing for him and the nurses, and for me watching and trying to help.

So he came home, and the pain left. He had never felt so comfortable for such a long time. Everything just felt right for him and me. His sleep was the most rested he felt in a long time. He just felt at peace with being home with his family. I had bought him some really kool clothes back in March from hallensteins. I only had the inclination to go and buy him clothes just that one time. Not because I didnt want to, but because I just felt there wasnt a need for them. So, he decided to wear the shorts and shirt I had bought him, he really liked it. I'm so bummed that I never took a photo of him in them. That was the first time in such a long time that he looked normal. With nothing coming out of him, with normal clothes on and not the hospital stuff on. I almost forgot that he was sick when I saw him all dressed. He really wanted to have a shave tho, and I really wanted him to have one. But we ended up spending most of the morning jsut talking to each other. We spent pretty much every moment since he got home together.

Now, I think near the beginning of all these blogs I had mentioned that we had stored Tangi's soldiers over in Sydney. Well, I decided to do nothing with them. Because I would be making it so much harder for myself if I was to bring a child into this world without their father. I already have a tough enough time as it if, let alone being pregnant and everything that goes with it. As well as early morning feeds and tired eyes etc. So, they've probably chuckd it out now, so there's nothing I can do about it anyway.

Sometimes being at home, makes me feel like I'm an adolescent with children. As if I got pregnant young and then my boyfriend left me. But I didnt. I still feel like I'm married, regardless of where my husband is. When we were down south island, I introduced my family as Me, Dupri and Pearl and Tangi was off doing something else better. Which is true. They all knew what had happened but I just didnt want to say it at all. I'm constantly feeling like there's something missing. I know exactly what it is. And thats for me to deal with. I don't have any goals written out yet, so am still getting there with those. Will have to think of them in between all my sleeps and stuff.

Happy New Year

Well I shouldnt really say Happy New Year because I'm not so sure if it will be a Happy one or not. It is the first year that we will spend without Tangi. I got invited to a YSA dance last night. I said maybe not because of my kids but in the end, my friends came and picked me up anyways and took me to the dance.

I was getting all excited to be able to dance and stuff but just not to get into the whole YSA scene. Because I'm not ready for all that. My friends tho, are on the prowl as YSA do, but me, it's a whole different scene now. I felt like one of the old ones. Didn't know some of the songs, didn't know heaps of the people and the ones I did know were either the ones who in my shoes a few years ago or were just starting high school when i left. So yeah, it was a big contrast of people there. I didnt enjoy my time as much as everyone else did. I did feel like a boring old fart tho. Because one of my friends was looking for a really good time, I did warn her tho that I might not be that much fun because my heads not in it. Oh well.

When I did look around, I saw a whole lot of people from school and stuff, that was pretty kool to catch up with a couple of them. Apparently there's a whole lot of YSA from around the place because its the YSA convention or something. So yeah, my friends want to come and get me for the Variety show and stuff just to drag me along. hahaha. They must want me to get into the scene fast or something. Not sure. But at this stage, I'm just wanting to chill and do whatever. I'm not looking at anyone, but if I do, I don't do anything about it.

Now when I was in YSA, I wasnt liked much by many of the girls. I always found it really easy to talk to the guys rather than the girls. I don't tolerate the kind of crap that girls talk about compared to what guys talk about. I love being able to just pick up where you left off and be sweet as friends rather than having to see each other every single day just to maintain a friendship. So yeah, I wasnt liked much by many of the girls. I even had some conflict with my friends because they werent invited to anything because they were friends with me. Now, everytime I saw the boys I would automatically go over ot them and start chatting, the girls didnt like it. I reckon it was jsut cause they were jealous and EXTREMELY territorial. hahahahaha. sounds like animals huh. ahahha.

But when I walked into that dance last night, I knew that a few people knew about my situation and I know that every time I walk into a room full of YSA, they are going to be talking about me just because of what I've gone thru. Now the difference with all this is that I've lived a whole lot more than majority of these YSA. For one, I now know how to control my hormones, hahaha. And that was pretty difficult being in YSA. Hence, why me and Tangi became pregnant before our wedding. My friends even have trouble saying sex, fornication etc. It was wierd because since I've been married and had children, it doesnt faze me anymore. But you know, after being prodded by Dr's, midwives, oncologists, surgeons, breast care specialists etc, I should be sweet as with nearly everything. But anyways, my pregnancies and births are for another blog.

the dance was ok, it was good just to get out. Earlier that day, I asked dad to watch the kids while I went to see a movie on my own. It felt really good to just go and chill out on my own. I went and saw 'Twilight' awesome movie I must say, but then I love the vampire movies, novels and everything. Well the ones with the good love stories and interesting plots. yes i know, i sound a bit like a nerd now. hahaha. Good one Tangi. So anywho, I loved the movie so much that I went and bought the books. I couldnt wait for Kara to send me hers so i just went and bought my own. So I'm waiting for them to be delivered to me. And then I will start reading hard out.

I suppose I need to write down some New Years Resolutions. will do that in the next blog.

My feelings on the holiday

Now that I've put up some photos of what we got up to down in Kaitangata it's only fair that I write about how I felt about the whole experience.

There were a few times where I wanted to burst out crying because Tangi wasnt here to share it with me. But the thing was, was that I could feel him the entire time there with me. So I introduced my family to Tangi and vice versa. Showed a couple of them the video of Tangi and showed some photos that I had on my laptop. They had never met him but they were touched and felt the loss that I felt. When I told them about the kind of man that he was, they were couldnt believe it. That Tangi was such an honourable, kindhearted and awesome husband and man. I felt so proud to be able to say that I married him and that I loved him.

We stopped off at Tangi's folks place on the way thru to Hamilton, but they werent home. When we got back to Hamilton, Dad just turned off and went straight to see Tangi. I didnt have to ask or say anything. Because for me, I feel like a burden when I ask anyone if I can go and see him. But it was really special. Me and Dad spoke about what kind of headstone I was thinking of. I have a few ideas and I know that Tangi would like all of them. I just have to make a definate decision by Dupri's birthday at least. Just so that they have time to get it done.

Every time I felt like crying down south, I just looked around and knew that everyone else were going thru their own things too. I had a Aunty who is going thru breast cancer, and uncle who lost his best friend and sister, a few cousin having relationship problems etc. there is just so many things that everyone else is going thru that they have trouble dealing with. We did a fireside/Family Home Evening on the Sunday night. When we sang the last song, the family who were left were crying. They were touched by whatever we were singing. It was really kool.

This past year and a half have been the toughest I've had to experience so far. I've had to deal with the burden of looking after an adolescent while being pregnant, deal with my husband getting sick to the point that he couldnt move and then to lose him. To a normal person that would've been all too much. For me it was all too much. And then all the while in between all of that, having to deal with both sides of the families and their demands and pressures. And still trying to raise up 2 beautiful children who you want to grow up into respectful and well mannered adults. Do you really think that you would be able to endure what I've gone thru. I must be a really strong individual to still be standing today. There must be a reason to why I had to go thru this and no one else. Obviously I was able to handle this, I was able to deal with this. Otherwise I wouldve been given a different challenge to endure. Now tomorrow being a new year, a new start ( I Hope), hopefully me and the children can move onto better things. I'm still working towards going back to the temple. I had to battle with a lot of emotions and feelings towards other people and myself that I couldnt handle. One thing that I found during our marriage is that you take offense to things that inlaws say or do a lot easier than if it was your family that did it. It's easier to get offended and angry at the things that inlaws do and say because you never grew up with them. You don't know them. You're still learning to get to know them. There were things and still are things that tick me off about my inlaws, but there were definately a lot of stuff that would tick Tangi off about my family too. When he would get angry at them, I would just say to him ' Well thats just them, thats what they do." He would still be angry, and it was the same for me. He'd say to me that thats just them, thats what they do. Yet, if it was my family doing the exact same thing, I'm a lot more willing and quicker to forgive them.

As I was talking with my dad on the way home from hastings, we spoke about other people who have and are still going thru a similar situation as ours. I got really annoyed at the disrespect and selfishness of those who don't have a clue. One of my old skool teachers just lost her husband to the same cancer as my husband. I wanted to go see them to show my love but because I've been thru this, I knew that wasnt the best thing to do. Because all you want to do is just be together and not have to entertain everyone else who just want to feel better about themselves and say that yes, they visited. Can you ask yourself ' If this person wasn't sick, would you still be visiting them as frequently as do when they are sick. Would you care as much when things are going just fine. And what about when they're gone, do you help and support the family that is left behind, do you visit them, do you become friends with them, do you pick up their kids to mingle with your own. Because at the end of the day, you can't rely on anyone else but yourself because it's always everyone else, that lets you down. And even tho you may have family around, they're not always the best people to help you. i've found that people try to put their wishes and beliefs onto me as if I should listen to them. Like I have to feel how they feel, do what they do. I have never done anything that I didnt want to do. Everything that I've done has been my choice. And it will always be my choice and no one elses.

We travelled all the way to Gore to have church. That is one of the longest trips where we just couldnt stay awake. Even our drivers were having trouble staying awake. The branch had about 7 people there and then us. So we stopped off at the big fish in Gore and the Country Guitar of music. Our cousin Aaron Jury is on there cause he won the guitar last year or this year. Cant remember but yeah, he's on there.

This is Aaron, Blake and Leyton in the background flossing their teeth after eating the BBQ steak. hahaha. Still looking after their teeth.

Pearl doing her usual cheesy smile on demand. Everyone loved her down there, especially all the little girls. They wouldnt stop picking her up and trying to play with her. But who can blame her when she inherited her good looks from me and Tangi hhahaha.

The kids got to go Jetboating. So they caught a ride in the boat to the river, where the rest of us had to walk. What a sad one. hahaha. But they had heaps of fun. They even got to zoom around on the 4wheelers. This one belongs to Georgia, Amandas daughter. The kids were able to just go around one of the paddocks. So they had heaps of fun.

This was most of the little girl cousins.

This is the crazy Povey brothers and sisters. hahaha.

A nicer photo. From left to right is Mum, Aunty Selina, Aunty Jackie, Uncle Alan, Aunty Michelle, Uncle Donald, Uncle Brian and Aunty Rhonda.

Boxing day cont

This was the kids catching a ride on the back of the ute. the road was gravel so once we hit the gravel, they were getting all dusted out. hahaha. This was how much we caught. The kids were good at sorting them out. But they had just kept on chucking everything they caught into the bucket. Even the little ones. so yeah, it was heaps of fun. something we wouldnt normally do. Dupri kept on occupyiing himself. He found a bumblebee bike.

Pearl spent most of the time with her Papa. She refused to leave his side most of the time. Papa was just stoked that he got to look after her the entire weekend.
These were the winners of 'who caught the biggest yabby' First was kara, Second was aunty Rhonda, third was Uncle Brian. they had to hold their Yabbies. Gross.!!!!!!

Boxing Day

We went Yabbying, or Lobstering. It was heaps of fun but they were soooo gross, I was never going to touch one. They had eight legs and theyre nippers were very scaley. and they were brown cause we were catching them in fresh water. This was just in the my cuzzies Nikitas back yard really. They manage a farm and this was one of the things that they do. this was one of the big mamas. It had eggs all over it so we had to chuck her back.

Pearl slept all the way thru.

Zyah was having a ball running around catching stuff.

Dupri got his line done, but I took it and was catching the yabbies cause he was too scared.

Christmas Day continued

This was our Christmas table. All the kids were already sitting at the table. We had enough seats for about 80 people.. This is me and my cuz Jadyn. When we were all younger, I was pretty much the only girl in my little age group of cousins. So now that we're all older, it was easier to get to know everyone cause we were all at the same level. This is such a cool day.

Dupri just loved being outside and running around. He was loving every bit of it. Even when it was freezing cold, he still loved being outside.

Pearl was helping with the setting up of the Christmas Table. She was having heaps of fun running around and just being noisey

Now, this photo. Apparently its a tradition with the boys that somebody gets wedged hard out every year, and this year it was Aaron's turn, but when they pulled up his undies, they ripped so they pulled it up to his shoulders. In the pic from left to right is, Bailey, Aaron, Brendon, Rex, Matthew.

Christmas Day

This was the morning of christmas Day. We had a wedding of Mr and Mrs Kenealy. My cousin Nikita and her partner Luke. It was really really really cold. She had decided last minute that she wanted to get married in her parents garden. It was a really good decision. The garden was beautiful and so were the couple. I still have to try and burn the dvd that I made for them and put all the photos on a cd and send that down too.This was Uncle giving away his daughter. And some of the bridal party. I have about 1200 photos from the weekend but not enough room to put on here. so only picking a couple. This was the cuzzies who were at the wedding. A couple of them didnt jump in.My brother were feeling at home and normal against the rest of the tall Poveys. hahaha. But yeah, they are really tall, where as the girls are short. hahaha. Well there are a couple girls who are tall but they were away, they couldnt make it for the reunion.

This is the Jury family. It was really kool just to see the cuzzies. This is my aunty Michelle and Uncle Neville. The Cuzzies, Aaron, Brendon and Jaydn and their partners and wife.

These are the inlaws who married into the Povey family. Well, who married the Povey sisters. From left to right, Uncle James, Uncle Neville, Uncle Steven and Dad.

After the beautiful wedding we all came back to the clubrooms and had a light lunch. There was lots of food, but it went really quick. That had to last us til 5pm for the christmas Dinner. When dinner was finished, it was so yum. There was food everywhere. We had lots and lots of food. We had nearly everyone there. Tried to get as much photos as possible so that I can put them on a DVD for everyone. On this day, we pretty much just laxed out and mingled with the family that we hadnt seen in years.

Finally Home

This was when we just turned up in Kaitangata. This is the town where my mums family lives. Just a small town in the wops. haha. It was a pretty kool town. This is us waiting at the Napier Airport. There was such a large group of us that they started freaking out. hahah.

Mum and hiran

Parris whanau. They couldnt make it so we took some pics and videos of them for the South Island lot to look at.

Still at the airport. Kara posing mad as. hahaha. That was her the entire time.

Well the first day when we arrived down in Kaitangata we had a powhiri waiting for us. Not a proper powhiri, but one that was unique to my mums family. It was really funny to watch. I got it on video. Then we got dinner prepared and our beds set up. Had dinner and then we all sat and introduced ourselves. And then we looked outside, it was still daylight. So we were all thinking 'ok, it must be 8pm' But no, it was 10pm. The kids were tired but still playing because it was still sunny. Even tho it was just a couple hours away, the difference in the sun coming out is different. Even in the mornings, it was still dark at 6am. So yeah, we ended up having pretty late nights and early mornings.