Breakthrough

Yahhh!!!!!

Ok since my whine in my last post I have now got a solution. I went to someone's place last night to have a look at signage. And they said that I could actually use it to put onto the stone as well so long as it's smooth enough for the signage to stick to it. So my dad was hard out trying to get the plaster as smooth as he possibly could all tonight since he got home. The headstone finish is looking pretty good the more my dad works on it. So tomorrow, I'm going to make sure that I get these stupid super papers certified and then post them off. And then get the permit paid for and handed in so the process can start on time. So hopefully that takes a bit of strain off of everything especially my insane moans. But yeah,my dad is sweet as with what I think and is just waiting for the plaster to dry so that we can see what it looks like.

Coming up a bit too fast

Now I'm starting to get people asking me what's happening with the unveiling so they can make their plans to come to it. I don't mind too much but I don't even know what's happening. It's not because i don't want it to happen, it's just that I've been finding it real hard to even do anything about it. It's like as if everything is just final. Like that's it. And I don't want that feeling but I can't shake it and it's just getting harder and harder every single day.

I haven't even done the permit to be able to install the headstone yet, I've got to wait for my dad to finish the headstone so that we can take it in to the engravers to get it done and then I have to wait for my brother to put a tamoko on the back of it. All the while, I have no money to get any of it done. And even tho I've had people ask me if I need anything, I can't bring myself to ask them for money especially with so much stuff happening at the moment. It just feels like it's getting a bit suffocating. I don't even have an ounce of courage to get these forms off to the superannuation companies that Tangi was with. Because once again, it's erasing him bit by bit. But it's like, I put on this brave face hoping that no one knows whats really going on and I must be doing a really great job because other than my dad, no one has come to say what they can do to help. It's still put back on me, which sounds lazy when i read back on it, but it's not that I'm lazy because i could get it all done in one day if i really wanted to. But it's just physically and emotionally hard for me to deal with any of it. And then on top of that, I've got my show which starts in a couple weeks so I've been trying to focus on being a convincing performer.

i had a talk with one of my mates the other day and i told him what i've been getting up to. It's not a lot of good stuff but I just told him that it numbs this feeling of feeling useless and worthless. It helps me to forget about whats happening and makes me happy for a little while. And he just listened. I told him about my need to help everyone el se around me and he jsut said, 'maybe you need to help yourself. stop focusing on how everyone else is coping with their things, focus on yourself and make yourself better first.' For me, I just told him that hey, i'm fine. i'm working through things alright. everyone else seems to think so. they don't think i'm grieving anymore and that i have some special superpower where i can push all of my feelings behind me. It's not true. But sometimes it feels like that when I'm trying to raise my two kids plus do my calling, plus do my show, plus try to organise my husbands unveiling, plus sort out my finances to try to help out my brother as much as i can, plus try to look at our own place to move into next year. It's not all that bad though. I am having fun. I can feel myself slipping tho.