Do things for yourself. Dont wait for someone else to make you feel good.

I know someone in my life who is extremely depressed and self esteem is soo low that she's thinking about doing things that would hurt a lot of people. Actually I know a few people like that hahaha. I'm sure we all have moments like these anyways, i sure have had my share of them. But this person in particular, i never really got along with her but the last few months we've been on a good page. She shared a few things with me about how she thinks she's useless and worthless and can never do anything right. And that she should just leave and never come back because she's no use here. I didnt know what to say. I was about to try to console her and stuff but started thinking about where that would get her. So I thought about how I tried to fix myself and my own troubles and knew that nobody else can make me feel wonderful. No one else can make me feel like I'm worth it. They definately do help of course but you should be able to do it for yourself. It's called selfcare. So unexpectantly, I just made a footbath for this person and then left her for 15 minutes to soak then came back in and exfoliated her feet. Once that was finished, told her to curl up and have a sleep. She felt really good after that. It wasnt much for me to do that for her. It only took half an hour and I was done and yet she felt good. And I wonder if the activities that you do make you happy. and if it doesnt, then why keep doing it. It doesnt make sense. Whether its out of habit, or laziness or just plain stupidity, is it enough to make you want to change yourself for the better. Regardless of your situation or your ethnicity or colour or hairstyle, hahaha, you should be able to make yourself happy.

On another note, I keep looking at my husbands photo and he looks sooooo handsome. My dad and I were talking and one of the biggest things that's stopping me from ever wanting to date anyone again is that I can't guarantee an eternity for them with me. So we started talking about the many widows that we knew who have remarried and what they've done. One widow I know of , remarried a non member - who has joined the church now and is now asking why they cant be sealed in the temple. Another widow remarried to a member guy who's a bit of a dork anyways, and is asking why they cant be sealed. another widow remarried someone who was divorced. Another widow who never remarried 15 years down the track. Such a hard decision. I'm still ok that if it came up that yeah i would remarry, but the process is a bit hard to decide. Whether its even worth it. I even had an idea that i could remarry and then just divorce them. Then I wouldnt have any obligation or remorse for not being able to be sealed to them. But yes i know, thats a stupid idea anyways.

And what's with this Swine flu going around. It feels like a normal flu but you wouldnt know it until it's too late. Do you think it would be considered suicide if you knowingly went and tried to fly to mexico so that you could catch that flu. ??

I loved Tangi so much. One day in the hospital, he asked me if I was ever happy with him. I said ' why would you ask me that!! Of course I was happy with you'. I was still trying to find myself when we were together but I was definately happy. I am happy enough right now to be able to keep waking up, showering and looking after my kids. But I still ache for him. Even though I know why he was taken, I still ask about it. Part of me wonders why I couldnt go with him. Why did I have to stay here. Tangi said that if it was me that was lying there in the bed instead of him, he would be wishing and praying that he could replace me.
ya know one thing that was pretty funny tho, when i was pregnant, before he could kiss me he had to go and brush his teeth and then rinse his mouth out because I couldnt stand the smell of his breath. And I could smell it from the front door. And then when he got sick and started chemo. I walked in one day after having thoroughly brushing my teeth and washing myself, he said to me 'no offence babe, but your breathe really stinks'. Man i tried all that day to not breath on him. funny how what goes around comes around. So i made sure i had gum and everything else to try to hide my supposedly bad breath from him hahahaa.

I really miss my babe. I still wonder how the kids will turn out without their father being around. I wanted them to pick up a lot of his traits but they're picking up more of mine. haha. Especially my stubborness. Geez!! But they still crack me up with their funny little quirks.

Having a couple nightmares

A few nights ago I couldnt get to sleep. So I ended up staying up till really late. And then all I could see was my husbands face right when he died. And seeing his mums face when she died. I couldnt get it out of my head and it was really frightening. Sometimes I feel like I'm immune when it comes to my feelings about how everything really is. Because I'm good at supressing everything so that no one else knows exactly whats going on. It's not a good coping mechanism but it helps me to think things through easier.
But yeah, I was having a couple nightmares and it freaked me out a bit. I ended up crying so hard that my daughter woke up next to me, and she saw me crying and was patting my arm saying ' its alrite mum'. She's only 1 and she was trying to reassure me and make me feel better.

I had one nightmare while I was at my inlaws place when Api was sick. It 2 nights before she passed away. And I saw her standing in front of me bleeding from her nose, eyes, mouth and ears gasping for breath. I was terrified that I woke up. I didnt know what to make of it.

I started thinking about career options and if I'd actually be good at being a nurse. I think I'm good when it's an emergency, I find that all my adrenalin just pushes me into action because I know what to do. But I dont think I want to deal with all the sickness. Yeah there are the patients that go and dont' come back to the hospital. But to see the regular patients and then getting the news that they passed away. Or even trying to resuscitate them but its no use. How can Doctors do that, live with that kind of thing. They get used to it, it just becomes the norm for them. They try not to get too close to the patient so that it doesnt affect them as badly. hmm