Ok, today is a bit tiring. Managed to at least clean up the room and stuff. Cleaned out the kids old clothes. Getting ready to just give them to charity. If they still want them, then whatever. Most of the clothes are stained anyways, so yeah. Every little bit helps. Most of the clothes are wayyy too small, but I never could be bothered going thru them. Dad fixed the car today. He is sure a perfectionist. He was trying to get everything as perfect to fit as possible. Well, at least he's more innovative than I am. I wouldnt care if it was crooked or what, so long as it stays on. hahaha. But nah, it's pretty good having someone know something about cars. Last time I tried fixing my own car, I took off the entire front of my car, and put it back together. But there was a HUGE pile of bolts and nuts leftover. Well Luckily nothing came off or anything. hahaha.

Just getting the kids to go to sleep at nights is becoming a real hassle. It happens every single night. I'll be doing something, and I've told them to go to bed. And they just keep on getting up, like as if my threats arent solid enough. It's extremely frustrating. Because they are clearly very tired, yet they just really push and push to stay awake. Pearl is the worst one. She just won't listen, no matter how stern you say it, or if you clip her ears, or anything. She still won't stay in the bed like she's told. In some ways, I feel like I'm the dork in trying to be soo much of a control freak.

I'm still reading the twilight books. I'm already rereading them. hahaha. I just love the story. The last book is definately has more of the physical relationship but what fascinates me is her transition into becoming a vampire. She's very advanced and everyone is just shocked at her. That she can control her instincts and her emotions and reactions so well. But yeah, I absolutely love the story. I even daydream about it. obsessed yeah I know. but i'm not afraid to admit either. hehahhaha.

I've been trying really hard to keep my diet on protein shakes and fruit. And nothing else. So will weigh myself in about another 2 weeks to see if it's done anything. If it has, then I'll keep it up until I've lost my weight and then I can start toning up. Hopefully trying to get to the gym as soon as possible. It's more trying to find the time and the person who is willing enough to look after my kids while I go. Thats the frustrating part. And My daughter doesnt take easily to strangers without me there. so yeah, sometimes it gets quite frustrating in that sense. but ah well.

Finished the entire series in 4 days

I went and bought the last of the series of the 'Twilight' series yesterday. Probably started reading it at about 1030am and finished at 1.43am. Man, I am sooo tired now after 4 days straight of reading and reading. I just couldnt put them down. But it was awesome how everything ended up. I was jealous that they get to live forever but it was a pretty good story. There were even some bits of the story that made me cry because I was thinking about my Tangi. And then they crack quite a lot of jokes which just lightens the mood a lot. haha. But overall, I think it was a well write story.

Now I'm looking at my floor. I vaccummed and cleaned the room before we all went to bed. And it's already in the biggest mess. The kids have thrown the cereal all over the floor and their clothes are everywhere. Talk about waking up to WW3. All while you're sleeping.

Ended up getting the part on the car that I needed. And it was a lot cheaper than the first price that was quoted to me. And the had the part right there, and it was brand new too. So I'm pretty stoked about that. Now I just need to find a cheap headlight so that I don't have to put plastic over my headlight just to disguise that it's got plastic over it. Actually I did that to my first carut ause I couldnt afford a new headlight, so I put a plastic bag over it. At night, you couldnt tell anyways. haha. all the joys of being a poor student. hahaha. well, it was more, not a poor student because I never went to uni or wintech, but just poor in general. hahahha. Just like the rest of us. So I guess one of my other goals this year is to be more financially efficient. So that I can look after my family better. I even said to Tangi one time, that it shouldnt matter how much we get, we can always save something. But we never bothered trying because there was too much to spend on. hahaha. Ah well, I reckon that I have every right to be able to buy a house. Maybe not right now, but in a couple years. So that me and the kids are a bit more stable. Or well I don't know. But I would love to keep getting jobs that keeps relocating us for a few months at a time. that would be awesome. And we can all have the experience together. It would be pretty fun to get a job like that. Where they pay you to experience life. My dream job. And all you have to do in return is report on what you've experienced. Massive job. At least I would be happy, and the kids would be alright.

I still feel like I need a break. I don't know what it is, but I still feel really tired. Like something is just hanging over my eyes. It's always there. The only time that it goes away, is like never. Everything does feel quite heavy. Maybe its all of my worries thats weighing me down. who knows. I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to be feeling right now in regards to losing Tangi. It's weird because I still feel him around, but I still feel depressed that I can't hold him, that he can't answer me the way I want him too. Sometimes, I can feel his frustration. sounds a bit weird i know, but yeah.

When I was reading those twilight books, it always got me thinking about Tangi and how he was like. He was always trying to be understanding, he loved me endlessly, we literally will be spending eternity together. And in some ways, I felt like I was bella. Like I was going through all the same stuff, obviously without the vampire side of things. Just the emotions and fighting to keep going all the time. Always having the fear that you're going to lose him. Well, I've already lost him. But just wishing that we couldve had that forever aspect of always physically being together. It's always hard to think that I still have to live without Tangi now. It breaks me every time I think about it. I never dreamed that I would be able to live without him. Just the same as I don't think I can ever see myself without my children. And having to deal with losing Tangi is somedays, just a bit hard to deal with.

I love my husband and my children so much.

Now something pretty gross. I caught nits from somewhere. I have a fair suspicion of where I got them from. I checked the kids hair, Pearl has them too. I checked Dupri's hair but not too sure. It racked me off when i scratched my head and one fell out. GROSSSSS!@!!!!!!
So I'm ticked off because I'm always so careful, but what ticks me off the most, is when the kids who have it, the parents don't tell you that they've got them as if they're embarressed about it. Man, I would be more embarrased if somebody else caught them because of me or the kids. thats more shame than actually having them. Far out. So now, we have to have a family nit removal time. Yuck.

Ah well, all part of life aye. And I don't even know why nits exsist anyways. What role do they have to play other than being extremely annoying. their only natural enemy is us. hahahaha.

Waiting for the final book of the series

Okay now, I spent the last 2 days just reading. I read 3 novels in the space of 2 days. I was actually reading until I was exhausted at night. Pathetic right!!! Anyways, I just got right into it, I felt like I was the main character Bella and I was experiencing everything with her. I just love reading and the places that it takes you.

I was looking at a couple jobs and things to see if I'd be interested in them. There was one that caught my eye, it means going overseas for 6 months but everything is paid for and I pretty much do sightseeing and report back on what you can do there. And at the end of it, I get a pretty massive paycheck. So, I've been thinking about the pro's and cons. The biggest con is my children. I wouldnt be able to have them with me 100% of the time because of the some of the things this job entails but I'm sure I work through that with no worries. It sounds like such an awesome opportunity and I don't want to miss it. It would be perfect, the whole getaway thing and I will be able to have my alone time whenever I want and just enjoy everything that place has to offer and then at the end of the six months. Can come back to the life here. so I'm pretty excited about it. If it falls through, then oh well. I'm sure that there are plenty more opportunities out there. Even if I do have to drag my kids around with me so that they can enjoy it with me.

I'm waiting for the book shops to open for tomorrow so that I can rush in and get the last installment of the 'twilight' series. In my opinion, the series is an awesome read. It captivates your imagination and you quite literally feel like you're experiencing it. You can feel the emotions and the frustrations of the characters. I cant wait to get my hands on the last book.

So, now that I've got that out of my system. hahahaha.

Dupri has been pretty good wth his words lately, actually extremely good in my terms. And Pearl has been pretty good at trying to talk too. But Pearl is a real drama queen. She is very good at it. Yet I know that she never got that from me. hehe. So obviously, the kids are doing ok.

Now I was thinking, that if I lost 20kgs within the next 3 months, that I would obviously look absolutely stunning, but will feel a whole lot better. Not that I don't have any self-esteem, becuase even tho I'm flabby everywhere, I still walk around as if I'm the hottest in the room. hahahaha. well not really, but i'm hoping you know what i mean. It's been waaayyyyyy too hot, especially carryiing around all this extra weight. It's too hot, spending most of the time, panting and sweating. I've made it habit that when I'm on the phone, to try and pace up and down the driveway so that I'm at least working out while I'm doing something otherwise nonproductive. So now that I'm finished my books, I might be able to go do something with the kids.

Got a birthday invite, so I'm excited to go. Not too excited to go and man both my kids at once. But hey, I'm always up for another challenge. It's always nice to have some alone time but I know that it's all about making sure that the kids have fun first. Since, they're the ones who are going to look back and recall what they've done when they were growing up. I'm quite grumpy a lot. My patience gets very thin pretty easily lately. Well, it's been like that for the past year and a half. So, I'm still trying to be the more patient and loving mother, but seriously, somedays its just way too hard to be patient. All I want to do is just send them away for 2 weeks and enjoy my alone time. But its weird tho, because I can barely stay away from them for too long. I never wanted them to go away for that long ever, because I depended on them. I depended on them needing me and loving me that it helped take my mind off the pain of what I was dealing with with Tangi. Even now, I hesitate to let them stay somewhere because I don't know if I can sleep without them. I tried it on New years eve night. I went out to the YSA dance and Dad had them in the lounge inside the house. Igot home and they were fast asleep and I was about to pick them up to take them out into the room with me but dad persuaded me to just leave them. So I did, and ended up staying up for awhile, but I didnt die from it. I was still well and truly alive the next morning. So, doing it in little steps has been good. I thought I was going to get a break from them when their other grandparents came to get them, but that was squashed when they came and got me. But oh well. It's just something that a single mother has to deal with aye. No real time away from them because Pearl gets hysterical if she doesnt know the person and you can't calm her down for ages. Dupri is actually really good, he just hates the whole parting process, so that takes him a while 2 seconds to get over if you have something kool and exciting for him to do. But anyways, I think I'm going to reread one of the books tonight to handle me till tomorrow morning when we go look for the 'Breaking Dawn' book. hehe.

Yes ok, I am obsessed with 'Twilight'.

the books have finally arrived

Okay, all three of the twilight books arrived today and I have already finished the first book ' twilight'. Crazy huh. ah well, it's actually quite a bit different to the movie but you know, there is no way that they would be able to get all the details into a movie, like how she felt when she saw him or when he is near her. You can't ever get a clear enough picture on a movie like when you read it in a book. because in a book, you can actually see and hear what the person is thinking. Not so, in a movie. and heaps of it was cut out too. i still love the movie, but i also love the book.

Dupri was supposed to start daycare on monday, (yesterday) but i've been too lazy and he doesnt wake up till 8am anyways, so I havent bothered taking him. Probably will just wait till end of the month and take him, or maybe get him started next monday.

It's been pretty lonely without my sisinlaws being home for me to ring them and just talk. Dionte and jax went ot a wedding for what seemed like forever, and my other sisinlaw kara was in wellington for what seemed like forever too. hahahahaa. So, now they're home, I feel better. hahaha. Today, I pretty much was engrossed with reading the twilight book, couldnt even look at the kids, let alone put the book down. I really should stop and give them the whole day tomorrow with mummy actually taking notice of them. They do have a brand new gym thing that i keep kicking them out of the house to use. but usually, they just want to play on it if I'm out there with them, or they go and make a mess outside with all the plastic bottles in those green bins. kids will be kids aye. well i'm just waiting till they're a little bit older to fully be a bit more independent. And then knowing me, I'll wish they never moved on so fast.

Well, as far as my schooling is going. I have already posted my first assignment, just waiting for my results. Going thru the second lesson and have gotten about half way, and i'm already confused. Trying to get the differrent codes and the relevance of certain things is quite tricky when I have to figure it all out for myself just by reading. It is easier when there is someone telling you, or standing there teaching you, because they're right there to put it into a different context just os you understand it, whereas correspondence, its all up to your own interpretation. So, yeah, it does have its challenges so far, like finding the time to do it. I find it easier to study when the kids arent home. I can get a whole lot more done and can concentrate a whole lot better. As you do, with no distractions. lol.

I really miss tangi. I was talking to my dad about what happens to any kids that i may have in the future. that if they're automatically sealed to me, are they sealed to tangi too. He just said, that I need to make my decision now, whether or not I'm even going to go down that road of someone else to spend my life with. And if I would be sealed to them instead.
I'm not quite ready to think that far yet, but I do know, that I don't want anyone else but Tangi. I know that I am willing to spend the rest of my life alone if thats what it takes to avoid having to feel the guilt of bringing another child into this world. And I don't actually want to have another family to worry about either. It gets a bit much thinking about all the many families that I have. hahaha. And I have a lot. gosh, its a headache just to think about it.

I'm still crying at little things, like remembering a date, or something that happened in the hospital. I'm even crying in certain parts of movies, or songs. hmmmm. I'm definately not finding this easy at all. But there's no other way around it but to try to deal with my feelings of grief. and regardless of how I feel, I still can't change the fact that he's gone.

thoughts

I'm pretty tired and it seems that I just cry at the oddest times sometimes, and in front of people. Not that it's a bad thing. But I actually thought that I had conquered that part of the process. But today, one of my mates asked me 'How are you doing? Are you ok?' And I could feel the tears welling up and my throat was starting to hurt. Man, I wonder how long it will take. It has only been 3 months, going on 4 months now. And it still hurts as bad as it first happened. It hurts as when it felt when we first found out about when Tangi was sick. Because it did feel like in a way that he had died, but he hadnt. but that was the thoughts that were running thru our minds, are you're going to die. whats going to happen to us. how am i going to be able to support this family now. It's been pretty tough.

This year, I have 2 weddings, so far, that I'm attending. One as a guest, and the other as family. Not too sure about the year after tho. But at the moment, I'm just focusing on this year. I'm just focusing on this week. And will see how it goes. So tomorrow, Dupri starts daycare. And it's also my motherinlaws birthday tomorrow too. Not sure what to do, other than be down there with her, but at the moment, it's a bit of an outstretch. so a phonecall will have to do at the moment. Or a letter or something from the kids. Not sure yet. Tuesday, dupri goes to daycare, he's there till 1230pm. And then again on Friday. And sometime in between then, I'm to recieve my Twilight series books which I have been hopelessly hanging out for. I'm not too sure whats driving me into wanting these books and watching the movie over and over again. But somethings happening. hahaha. I think it may be that obsession. ah well.

Ok, i think i may have a couple new years goals. I don't like saying resolutions because that means that i'm changing something. Whereas I'm not changing much, just either improving or making goals. Ok

1. Attend temple every week.
2. Safely lose 25 kilos by December.
3. Fix the car
4. Finish my Travel Consultant Course with flying colours.
5. Put Dupri into a full week of daycare by September, 20 hours a week.
6. Get Dupri fully toilet trained this year
7. Start Pearls toilet training
8. Make less bills
9. Win Lotto
10. Be happy

So, I think thats enough, there's a whole lot more goals that I want to achieve this year. But I guess those are the main ones. I would really love to achieve number 9. I think everyone would love a piece of that one. hahaha.

Me, dupri and dad went out to the cemetary today to measure up the average size of the headstones. Just to get a proper gauge into how big a headstone will actually be. And what kind of design I'm looking at. I've got something in mind, but actually want it to be unique. So, still deciding. I want it to be something special just from me and the kids.

I do have a question tho, if anyone has seen a headstone of someone who is married, that has the names of the parents on there as well. I just want some feedback. Anything that suggests that will be appreciated. Thanks

I know that the names of the parents are on headstones of those who are single and young, but I personally havent seen any that are married. But yeah, any feedback please leave a comment on this post.

So yeah, i think thats it for today.

Some pics from Tokoroa

This is one of Tangi's sister, Myra. And the new addition to the Tarai family is Myana. The second Granddaughter in the family. This is crazy Isaiah. Tangi named Isaiah, so he's always been pretty special to Tangi.

Dupri in his togs that Nani bought him

Pearl in her togs that Nani bought her. She didnt end up going to the pools because she got sick that day. And it only lastest that day too.

The kids chilling out on the balcony.

The kids had heaps of fun because they got to play with their other 3 cousins. It's a pretty small family but they were happy.