Okay, I'm back on again

Lucky I didnt get rid of this thing. I found that yeah I may be happy and stuff, but this is sure a really good outlet for things that arent going so good. I've had a pretty good couple of weeks. My daughter is sick, so I'm dosing her up on Pamol and I'm getting an itchy throat which usually means that in a couple days, i'm going to be sick. My mum has been sick as for about 2 weeks now. She hasnt been eating too well, and has no energy at all. She has pretty much spent most of the time in her room sleeping or just lying in bed. So yeah, she's been sick as. And then my son just has the loudest voice I know of. He quite literally just annoys me to hell when he starts yelling. I tell him to whisper, and so he does, but then he goes back to yelling again. He's in the phase at the moment that anything that goes wrong, he belts out and yell/squeel thing. He's still adorable but his volume is really getting on my nerves. When he was born, you could hear him in the next ward.
I've been trying to budget. I can do up a budget, and its realistic and everything, but sticking to it. Dammit, it's the toughest thing out. Especially when things pop up like, WOF and registration for your car, dental work, clothes that are on special. It's just so damn hard. So I'm going to try to a different way to try to save money. I'm going to get rid of my gym membership. It's on trade me at the moment, if anyone wants to get it. hint hint!!!! And I'm wanting to get rid of my phone and internet. Mostly because it's my biggest expense at the moment. Which will save me heaps of money. I just love the convenience of having my own phone line and my own internet in our room without ticking anyone off inside with using theirs all the time. Or maybe I will just get rid of my internet and attack my wireless modem to my parents so then I can still use the internet out here in our place. hahaha. Either way, I have said that I will help pay for the power in exchange for the rent, which is a little cheaper I guess. But I need to save as much as I can, as fast as I can. I have only 5 months left to Tangi's unveiling and need the money to waterproof the headstone and then to engrave it. We've already got the stone, got the shape, got the papers to apply for the permit, and the picture. Just not too sure about everything else. So my next step is to go to a monument place and ask them what they do. I'm sure they will be more than happy to offer pointers for me. I still only want immediate family and the close close friends that I invite personally to be there at the unvieling. I'm feeling a little guilty not inviting everyone else but I feel that they got to say their goodbyes at the funeral. I want this time for me and the kids. For it to be special and intimate for us. I can kind of see in some ways, that Tangi's family would feel quite robbed by this, I mean, how would I feel if Tangi only invited his family and not mine at my funeral or unvieling. I would be disappointed at that. Money is an issue. I dont want to ask his family for help because they've made such a huge deal over who gets to handle the money from Api's funeral. That's been a ridiculous fiasco in itself. But anyways, I have 4 older brothers, all whom are married, and have children. Tangi only had 2 younger sister, one with children, the other still a teenager. It does seem that it would be about my family but its not.
When Tangi first got sick, he was in hospital and one of his relations rang up, someone who he didnt know of anyways, she said that she was living in Sydney for awhile and that she hadnt seen him since they were kids. And that she wanted to come and see him because he had no family around. It annoyed me that she would think that her presence would be a comfort, someone who is a stranger, only related by blood, not by closeness or anything else, would think that her being there would somehow make things ok for him. There was even one of Tangi's Uncles who rang asking to see him, when I said that we didnt want any visitors, turned around and said ' that I shouldnt be there either if there is no visitors allowed'. It was more like, these relatives, who had never bothered to come and see us before, but felt obligated to see him that they knew he was sick felt that they had more of a right than me to go and see him. What bull!!! It's been 6 months since he passed away and I miss him like crazy. I still cry at little things, I still wish this didnt happen to us. I still hope that when I wake up, he'll be next to me, watching me, waiting for me to wake up.
Tangi had the warmest eyes, they were so kind and gentle. And mocked the crap out of me too. hahaha. He knew me inside and out, he knew when I was happy, annoyed, frustrated, anxious just by looking at me. One time, I was angry at something he said, but I didnt let him see my face. And then he asked me, are you angry. I said ' No, why would you think that', he said 'because you're breathing like you're angry'. I couldnt even hear my breathing but he noticed. He knew what ticked me off, and he admitted that he would purposely rark me up just so he could have a laugh. Geez. hahaha. He was really funny. We would laugh at the stupidest things, and it was good because we both had a good sense of humour. I really miss my babe. I keep on looking at the kids growing up and wondering what he gets to witness. What does Tangi actually get to see the kids do. Does he see his kids fighting?? Does he see them learn to ride their bike for the first time?? Does he see them laugh like there's no tomorrow?? Does he get to see them drift off to sleep? The joys of being a parent and witnessing those awesome moments, what does he get to be a part of. It's 1.44am and writing this is keeping up so I better get to sleep. I think I'm going to need a nap in the afternoon.