Slipping

What I feel right now is just numbness.

The closer to the unvieling it is, the more unsteady I feel, the more I think about him the more it's hurting. I don't know why it's getting harder. I guess in some ways I've learnt to bottle everything in or to only let as little out as I possibly can just to make me be able to handle things. I quite literally feel like i'm falling apart. I'm not feeling as decisive about my actions as I should be. All the stuff that I did before is looking more and more appealing. so much so that I've even started making plans to go away for awhile. What is there here for me.
I miss my husband so much that it hurts to know that this unveiling is going to be the final thing. I know that we're sealed but it still hurts knowing that I can't hug him. But I need to make some decisions or I feel I'm going to lose it.
I don't want to complete the headstone because it brings it that much closer. It makes me feel like crying everytime I see it, and it doesnt have any lettering or anyting other than the colour on it.
I'm hurting. And I don't know how to make it better.

I just want to curl up and just stay in my little hole and not come out. That's what I want.