Do you think that a mother should feel hopeless??

Well thats how I feel sometimes. Even though there is all this praise and things to help motivate you, I can't help but feel hopeless most days. My kids are being kids and I still can't keep my kool. Now, I have had a couple talks about where I'm at and that with professionals and they don't think that I'm depressed. Just that I'm having a bad time. Because my head is actually in a good head space. I can think clearly and I'm not thinking anything suicidal. I was like that when Tangi was sick because I thought that if I left, then it'd make it easier on everyone else becaues I always felt like such a burden. Even now I feel like a burden but it's not in the same way. It's kinda like, those who don't know me that well and think I'm a dork are the ones who don't really care too much obviously, but those who actually do really care about what happens to me, are being really supportive. I would never hold my life over anybody because that would be the most selfish thing to do.
There was something that was said when I was down in Tokoroa. It wasnt anything that was degrading or anything but someone mentioned that there were a few people hating on me. And I do have some qualities in me that would invoke a little hating but from what she said, it sounded like it was a bit more than that. And I didnt let it bother me much, but i have been thinking about it a little bit, like what have I done to make a few people think that I'm unbearable to be with. There's one person for certain that I don't get along with that well and thats my little sisterinlaw Temaru. We kinda got along at first until she came to live with us in sydney, and then I actually saw who she really was. But she's showing that side of herself a lot more openly. She does have a few good reasons to act that way but not enough for me to feel sorry for her. She made her choices at how she wants to treat those close to her and I've pretty much made the decision that I would rather not have much to do with her. I don't have any time for her other than the necessary. I tried a little bit during the funeral but I still found myself getting ticked off at her attitude and laziness. But she does have a big heart but not a very smart brain. But Other than most of Tokoroa who Api vented onto, then I guess there would be a lot of people who would not like me that much. Man, it's like as if they've all gotten onto the wrong side of me to have to make that judgement that they dont like me. But I guess thats what immature people do when they make a judgement based on what other people say and not their own experiences. But oh well. That's what I have to live with, is the consequence of what my attitude has done. It's my own doing.
Today I was feeling lonely quite a bit. And everytime I feel lonely I start to ring people up to see if they're busy and if they want to hang out. I've found that usually people are too busy to just hang out. So, thats my own fault to not having any close close girlfriends. I've been over to my brothers place a couple times and hung out with Jax and Dionte and man, it's been exactly what I needed just to get me thru the rest of the day. I guess I miss those days of when I was single and able to just turn up at someones place and chilll out without feeling like my kids were being a nuisance or that I have to get a babysitter just to be able to hang out. But I'm blabbing a bit tho.
I've had a lot of mixed feelings about moving on and trying to just get out there again. I want to because I miss the socialising and the chilling out with mates and stuff, but then I dont because I've got my two kids. I just feel that unless I've got something actually on, I have to take them with me. I should be more thankful that I do have a lot of people that I can ask to look after my kids for me. I just never saw myself ever that I would have to ask my family to take care of my children at times. Mostly because I never thought I would ever be a solo mother. I never dreamed that this would happen to me. Because I knew that whoever I chose, I would never divorce them, or if things got bad, i would try my best to make it work. so I never thought that this would happen to me. But it did in one way or another. I still miss Tangi a lot. I still love him. I can't take my wedding ring off because I'm not even near ready. He's my eternal companion. I am going to be with him when I die and no one else. Which reminds me. I have to make a will which states that no matter who I end up with, I am to be buried with Tangi. I know that it will hurt whoever I'm with but I will make sure that they know this before we get together. Which makes it that much harder to even want to be with someone else. Because how can I say to them that yeah, I want to be with them but not give them all of me. Becuase I dont want to give much to them. I gave it all to Tangi. He has everything of me. Why would I bother giving it to someone else.