not sure

I'm not too sure on what to say about what it felt like before I left here.

Someone asked me ' What did it feel like? and would I recognise the feeling again?? For me, I guess when I try to explain something or some way that I'm feeling. it kinda comes out and sounds stupid. But it feels a whole lot more than stupid. Ok I will try to explain the feeling that made me decide to take some 'ME' time.

Have you ever felt like you couldnt breathe, and then the room starts spinning and just doesnt stop. And then your vision just goes blurry from endless tears. Your chest is crushing from the heavy sobbing and your head is throbbing from the endless sleepless nights and constant worrying and contemplating. There is a never ending weight over your eyes and the front of your head. Nothing seems to shake it. I guess thats more or less what I was feeling. Some people could call it a 'mental breakdown', or a 'panic attack'. But I wouldnt know what to call it. It's not like this is unusual for me. I'm constantly feeling like this, but I guess enough was enough for me and I needed to try to get my mind out of it. It's a hell of a lot harder than you realise to convince your mind that it's ok to let it go.

I got a chance to talk to a few different people while on my holiday. Each of them have their own way of interpretating my situation. they're not all wrong, but they're not all right either. Because its their interpretation. I guess, if I were to have a mental breakdown, I would be literally not coping at all. I would be lifeless, not doing anything to help me or my kids, not speaking to anyone, pretty much not wanting to live. I would class that as a mental breakdown. A panic attack, usually only lasts in short bursts before it dies down and it's more of a physical response to stress than mental but it still relates to each other. I definately feel like my world is closing in on me, and I'm trying my best to keep it at bay, at least until I have finally fiigured out exactly what I want to do. I know for one thing, that I will pursue a career now. I don't really have much of a choice in the aspect of getting a job, but a career is different. I want to do something where I get to travel the worlds destinations and be able to promote the destinations. And I want to be able to do it once I'm qualified to do it.

I also thought about the whole marriage thing again, about if I will marry again. I decided that if the opportunity comes again, then yeah I will do it. Obviously explaining beforehand to the man who wants me, what I'm offering and thats only till death do us part. But I won't look around for it. Not anytime soon anyways. I must admit, that while I was in Hastings, I did want to meet up with someone. Only because I've been feeling quite lonely for awhile and thats the only reason. I had a few opportunities to do it but decided not to do anything. So I'm pretty proud of myself with that aspect of how things went. All I could think about was that, I have a lot more on the line at the moment than just the mere few moments with someone.

Do you ever wonder about if your loved ones are really watching over you. My sisinlaw and a friend were talking to me about a book. It's called 'The Message'. I've never read it but they were just telling me about it. the guy who wrote it isnt an author at all but just felt that he needed to write this book so he did. It's a real life experience where this guy goes into a coma for a few weeks and while he's in this coma, he experiences the other life and sees what its like there. And his grandfather takes him to see his family, his grandfather walks up to this guys dad, who was int he middle of a meeting or something. Whispered in his ear that he will be late for his plane if he doesnt finish up now. And the dad just had a face like he remembered something and finished up the meeting saying that he has a plane to catch. One of the messages that came out of this book was that our family who have passed on, havent forgotten about us. They still are around us, and the Holy Ghost, is quite literally our family helping us out. Giving us that guidance that we need. Being that little conscience in our head or that thing that just pops into our minds. whats it called , an epiphany. hahaha. I actually thought that was quite interesting. Especially when my friend who rang me last wednesday, while i was at the cemetary, about ot leave and coaxing me to go over to her place for dinner and to hang out. I could honestly feel Tangi there whispering for me to just accept the invitation and go. I felt him there with me while she was asking me over the phone. I was really trying to hard to come up with excuses not to go, but just felt warm and safe with going over to this friends place. The whole time, just how she was asking ' was like as if it was Tangi's voice coming thru asking me to go. It was definately a spiritual experience for me. I've never felt Tangi so close to me since he passed away.

There's never been a day that I don't think about my husband. Even while he was sick, all I could think about was how he was, if we would get thru it, if he will survive, what will we do when he comes home, how will the kids be, will we have more children. There were just too many things to think about. I always thought about everything. and then when I got to the hospital, a million more questions came into my head. What do the dr's think is going on, how fast will this chemo treatment cure him, will it cure him, wil the cancer come back, why couldnt this have happened to someoen else. I really miss my husband.

One thing I was thinking about, is that I've been a few places with my children. And I've felt the stares and heard the whispers. Even with family around, I still feel it. Sometimes I just think that, man, they're lucky that I'm even here. That I'm not balled up in my room crying everyday and refusing to get up. That I'm at least trying to get out there, to continue with my life and try to carry on. Even if it is by myself, I'm sweet as with trying my best to make my kids happy. I've had to learn the hard way to accept peoples help. Especially when it comes to my kids. I actually despise letting anyone have my kids because it makes me feel like i'm a bad mother, for not able to take care of them all by myself. That i should be stronger but arent.

I loved my babe, he was my best friend. I always felt safe with him, I could always depend on him to make me feel better, to let me know that everything will be ok. He was my rock in my life. He would always tell me that he loved me everyday, he would always walkin and kiss me everyday. My cousin was telling that when we went ot pick her up in hastings a couple days before our wedding. That she was dry wretching at us, hahahaha. She couldnt stand that Tangi would run around to open my door for me, and that we were always holding hands, and that he would always look at me like he loved me. I just cracked up and said, 'hey, thats the guy he was, he wasnt shy to show me and anyone else how he felt about me' 'He was my Edward cullen' hehehe. The perfect gentlemen!!!!!

Eating Lambtails

These pics of my family eating and cooking the lambtails. I didnt eat any only because, the last time I had one was literally years and years ago. It's been awhile and the last one that I ate, was disgusting. So havent had any since. But I was more than happy to help cook them. which i only attempted once. The boys were pretty good at doing it. This was all at the back of my grandparents place. right next to the river. The kids were having fun running in and out of the river water. hahaha.

Bits of my holiday so far

I put this on a timer and took a pic of me in an orchard. This was where I stayed for the first 2 days of my holiday. It was pretty good timing actually. I was in the cemetary visiting Tangi before I left and I got a phonecall from a friend. she was saying that she was thinking about me all day and asked if I wanted to go have dinner that night. I was trying to tell her that I was about to go and have my holiday. But she was persistent and I kind of figured that Tangi must want me to go over so I agreed to it. When I turned up, she was giving someone a massage. I didnt know that she was a masseuse. And so she said that it was my turn next. It felt like a resort. Only because she was making me breakfast, lunch and dinner, and I was having a really good relaxing time. These are a couple pics of the place where I stayed. It was pretty beautiful and peaceful. Had a good sleep and felt safe I knew Tangi was there with me.

This was where I got my massage. Awesome spot huh!!

This was one of the little gardens around the place. It's just so beautiful.