Just some stuff around

Well, Rehearsals for my musical is going really well. I'm a soprano II which gives me some pretty high notes. I had to explain to someone who knew me at school that yes I was an alto then and that's mostly because i didn't push myself. Whereas now, I am a whole lot more versatile and confident so I can hit the notes easily. So I'm enjoying it a lot. I actually figured out that I'm the only maori in the production. Everyone is white. But I don't really care anyway because about 120 people auditioned and i got a part. So I'm stoked as anyways.

the kids are just a headache. Well they're actually really good kids until they get grumpy. Dupri just has one volume and that's loud and keeps on going and going and going with his crying. Pearl is alright until she gets into her spastic modes where she just works herself up. But other than that, they're really good. Don't have many problems with them.

My mum has gotten off her meds and is now going cold turkey. So it's been a little bumpy with her. Just trying ot stay out of her way a lot more. I would love to move out of here and into our own place again but I can't afford it. Not at themoment anyways. I've been focusing on paying this loan that i got a few years ago. So I just want to get rid of it and then I won't feel like I owe anyone. But in order to keep up my payments for it, I need to stay at the back of my parents place and just take any crappy mood my mum dishes out. It's part and parcel of being here. So it ends up being an ok compromise.

on Sunday, had someone talk in church. He started off saying that we go thru life, probably loving life, nothings going wrong, everything is perfect and then we get a phonecall that just turns our lives upside down. And that we can try to empathise with that person but we should never say that we know how they feel because we don't. each of our circumstances and experiences are all unique and never the same. I can probably guarantee that there wouldn't be one person who went thru the exact same experiences as i did. Yes, there are similar situations but it's not the same. But i couldn't help balling my eyes in the middle of church because it was really hard for me. Even now things are still feeling lonely and just missing Tangi heaps.

His unveiling is in 2 months, and I'm just feeling a pull towards him. sometimes i feel really crazy because I've tried to do things totally different to how i did them so that I'm not falling back into depression. It's helped keeping busy and talking to various people. even though they don't understand fuly what i'm going thru andstill going thru, it still helps to talk to them. But it's definately going to take me a long time to feel completely ok.

I do wish that i could start all over again. It's selfish yes, but i do wish that i can just pack everything up and start brand new. But I don't think i'm strong enough to do that on my own. Or to do it with my children. But I know that realistically, having my family around is the best support that i can have.

One thing I was thinking about was my brother and the kinds of thiings that he went thru. Because I know that us as a family werent there for him how he needed us to be. But one hting my family know how to do is to back off when we know we're not wanted. We won't turn up at each others places just because we feel like it, i'm the exception of course, but it doesnt happen with the rest of us. My parents don't turn up unannounced, or even announced. It has to be a formal gathering for them to feel like they're welcome or something. i don't know. And i dont know about my other brother, but I've definately been making a huge effort to make sure that i visit both my brothers. But going back to thinking about my brother. Just the fact that he was literally alone when he going thru his hard time. It may've not been exactly the same as what happened to me but it still hurts regardless. For me, it's been my family that's gotten me thru the worst of it. I explained to one of my friends, that during everything I had no choice but to suck it up and get on with it. For my kids, because there was no one else to take on that responsibility. She had said that I've been so strong with everything especially the funeral and that. I told her that I could've just let myeslf get numb and unresponsive, but I knew better. I knew that if I didn't pick myself up, there was no one else who could do that for me. So thats how I've been facing things, that I have to just deal with it, it's the mature thing to do. So why mope about it. Well I do mope still but not as long as usual. I've still got a whole lot more to learn about life and how things work and that. So yeah.

Going back to the musical. I don't know if i've written it already but I'm in 'The Sound of Music'. Ok, I'm not actually a fan of the musical but it's better than nothing. And I'm a nun in the nun's chorus. It's not a lead but that doesnt bother me. I'm happy that I'm on stage and performing. that's all that matters to me. I've always loved performing. But I never got nervous until a minute before I walked onto the stage. And then the nerves turned into adrennaline and I pushed harder. So it was really kool.