Now that I've decided that starving myself hasn't worked that well with losing weight, I've decided to do it the proper way and the way that I know works. Mostly because I've done it before and it was awesome.
I've gone back onto my Healthpoint plan diet which is only 100grams of carbs per day and more protein, which helps to make you fell full. And last night went for a brisk walk, which is all I can manage at the moment, and it felt really good. I actually think that excercise is also a really good way for me to strenghten my lungs for singing as well. But it felt good excercising and now that I've got an excercise buddy, it's not too bad. It's a lot more enjoyable.
Rehearsals are really fun. The tutors are really pushing for us to get to know each other. And because I'm quite shy, it's a good morale booster when these people come up to me and ask how i'm doing. I get suprised when they call out my name, becuase I don't really remember many of their names. But it's definately interesting.
Well at the moment, I still can't get in contact with the Tarai family down in Tokoroa.
The headstone has been plastered and it looks really nice. It's actually turning out a lot better than I thought it would actually so it's a real big bonus. The guy who plastered it for me just returned it this morning. It's a dark red and it feels really warm which is the feel I'm going for. Something that is warm and cosy feeling, just how he was. And me too. haha. But I hate looking at everyone elses headstones at the cemetary because most of them feel cold and empty so I wanted something that feels warm and loving. And at the moment, that's what I'm achieving with the headstone. I've been trying to look for some fonts for the lettering.
In some ways I just want this over and done with, just so I don't have to deal with it anymore. But then I don't want it to happen just yet, because it kind of feels like this is the end of trying to hold onto my husband. It feels like this is going to the final farewell and I don't want to do that.
So for breakfast I had one egg on one wholegrain toast. For morning tea I will have half an apple, for lunch I'm having dijon mustard chicken salad, afternoon tea, the other half of the apple, dinner hamburgers. And yes, I make it all myself. It's quite easy to make small portions. But yes of course being a maori, you think that you need bigger portions to satisfy your hunger but you don't. Just make sure you keep eating all day, don't wait till your hunger because by then you are already starved. just the same as, if you don't have a drink till you're thirsty becuase you're already dehydrated. So, I'm making extra effort to make sure that I stay with this plan longer than last time.
Last night I made baked basil chicken and salad for me and the kids. The chicken just had lemon juice, garlic, basil and pepper wrapped in foil then baked in oven for 20 minutes. the salad was just lettuce and cucumber. Nothing fancy. But it was really nice. and then topped it off with half a cup of rockmelon. The kids just wanted to eat the salad which suprised me more than anything. But I'm glad they enjoyed it, becuase I'm going to make them eat what I eat. hahaha
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Hyperventilating AGAIN!!!!!
Why is it that everytime I think about all the things that Tangi left me to deal with that I just want to curl up and end things.!!! Just when I feel really good about something, or enjoying life, a black mood just overcomes me and I can't breathe properly, I can't even keep a straight face without wanting to cry. But I can't stop thinking about him. I've been reading the Twilight books again and crying over the fact that Tangi was just as perfect as the main character. He was just as understanding, if not more, he was just as patient, he was just as compassionate, he loved me just as much as the Edward did with Bella and vice versa. So why is it that I was left behind to deal with crap. And what's worse, I can't help but feel really scared to even step foot in his hometown. I've felt really rotten about my inlaws. Only because I've been making a huge effort to try to keep in contact and I haven't heard a word from them. I don't know if they have made any effort to see if we're alright, but I've constantly felt like it's been a one way thing. I'm actually thinking about giving up on them and moving on instead of worrying about them.
I don't know what Tangi would've done. whether or not he would keep trying or not. There are somethings that really tick me off. Well with the amount of moaning I do, it must come across that a hell of a lot of things tick me off. Which is true I guess.
But to find that one person who knows everything about you, who knows what your favourite things are, who knows what you dislike the most, who knows how to press your buttons, who knows your darkest fears, who knows your crazy ambitions, who knows what kind of walk you have, who knows what colour your eyes are, who knows what mood you are in once they see you, who knows how to cheer you up, who knows when you need space, who knows what to say to you to get their way, who knows how much you love them. How can you keep on living life when that one person is taken from you. For whatver reason it was that they were taken, how can i live with the fact that the one person who knew me the best, i have to live without them from now on.
I cry watching the kids see their dad in our home videos and that's the only memory they have of him, being sick in the hospital. When we have been up to the hospital, they yell out for daddy thinking that they're going up to visit him. Even 9 months down the track, they still do it. And when I tell them that Daddy is no longer there, they yell out for their nanny api. I cry thinking of all the Daddy talks that could've happened but won't. I cry thinking about how I'm never going to feel his arms around again, I'm not going to hear him whispering to me, I'm not going to him laugh at my craziness, i'm not going to see him play with his kids and run them around trying to catch the seagulls. And what pisses me off more than anything, is people thinking that they know how i feel. that some people think that they have more of a right than i do.
Nobody will ever know exactly how I feel and what I put up with everyday. It's crazy but I've put up with a lot of hurtful and crazy stuff. Maybe nothing physical but a lot of emotional stuff. whether if anyone else went through what I did and what i still am dealing with, I wonder how long they would last. How long would I last in someone elses shoes.
I tried to explain to one my mates, that what might seem like a big thing to me, may not be for me but that doesn't mean that it's not worth feeling something about. That you still have a right to feel hurt.
but today hasn't been that great of a day as you can probably see. But who cares right!!!
Actually thats wrong, there are a lot of people who care. I know that for a fact. But sometimes feeling lonelier than I should is maybe something that helps me to not supress my feelings. Who knows. I sure am trying to understand myself all the time.
I don't know what Tangi would've done. whether or not he would keep trying or not. There are somethings that really tick me off. Well with the amount of moaning I do, it must come across that a hell of a lot of things tick me off. Which is true I guess.
But to find that one person who knows everything about you, who knows what your favourite things are, who knows what you dislike the most, who knows how to press your buttons, who knows your darkest fears, who knows your crazy ambitions, who knows what kind of walk you have, who knows what colour your eyes are, who knows what mood you are in once they see you, who knows how to cheer you up, who knows when you need space, who knows what to say to you to get their way, who knows how much you love them. How can you keep on living life when that one person is taken from you. For whatver reason it was that they were taken, how can i live with the fact that the one person who knew me the best, i have to live without them from now on.
I cry watching the kids see their dad in our home videos and that's the only memory they have of him, being sick in the hospital. When we have been up to the hospital, they yell out for daddy thinking that they're going up to visit him. Even 9 months down the track, they still do it. And when I tell them that Daddy is no longer there, they yell out for their nanny api. I cry thinking of all the Daddy talks that could've happened but won't. I cry thinking about how I'm never going to feel his arms around again, I'm not going to hear him whispering to me, I'm not going to him laugh at my craziness, i'm not going to see him play with his kids and run them around trying to catch the seagulls. And what pisses me off more than anything, is people thinking that they know how i feel. that some people think that they have more of a right than i do.
Nobody will ever know exactly how I feel and what I put up with everyday. It's crazy but I've put up with a lot of hurtful and crazy stuff. Maybe nothing physical but a lot of emotional stuff. whether if anyone else went through what I did and what i still am dealing with, I wonder how long they would last. How long would I last in someone elses shoes.
I tried to explain to one my mates, that what might seem like a big thing to me, may not be for me but that doesn't mean that it's not worth feeling something about. That you still have a right to feel hurt.
but today hasn't been that great of a day as you can probably see. But who cares right!!!
Actually thats wrong, there are a lot of people who care. I know that for a fact. But sometimes feeling lonelier than I should is maybe something that helps me to not supress my feelings. Who knows. I sure am trying to understand myself all the time.
Ranting and Raving yet again.....
Man, I moan a whole lot but this thing helps to me just vent and get it out. Otherwise I spend hours in my room talking to myself about how much I want to strangle someone or whatever it is that I'm upset about.
Right now, what I'm upset about is I'm predicting how the unvieling will play out. I'm predicting that if I continue to let these unvielings go ahead as a combined thing that when it comes to the hakari, that we will once again be outsiders, when I'm the person who allowed it all to happen. So I'm predicting that these dumb Tokoroa CI's are going to get up on the mic and start saying how much they loved my mother in law and my husband, not say anything about how they're thankful that i let them have the opportunity to be there and they will say it all in CI so me and my family can't understand any of it. I am predicting that this is going to be a total CI function and that's it.
Now, I had to figure out exactly what I was angry about. Was I angry at the Cook Island culture in general or the Tokoroa community. And i figured out that I am totally accepting of the Cook Island culture, I've got no qualms with it at all. I'm pissed at the Tokoroa community because I have not met any other CI's who are selfish like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who are such aggresive backstabbers like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who openly shun everyone else who isn't CI other than the Tokoroa community. Now, I have family who are half CI, and they don't act like that, I have another family who my brother is marrying and they're not like that. I also have friends who are CI who are from Hastings who weren't like that. So why is it, that Tokoroa being in their own little bubble get off saying that all this negativity is a part of their culture. That's how they do things, that's a part of who they are as a culture. bull crap!!! It's just an excuse for them to blame everything on their culture and not taking responsibility for what bullshizzers they really are.
It's nearly been a year since the funeral and I still see red everytime I think about how that community treated me and my family. And it wasn't just a couple of them, it was the entire community. One of the leaders of their community even came into my own home and disrespected me. Didn't even say hi to me for one, didn't acknowledge me as Tangi's wife, even though he was stepping into mine and Tangi's home and didn't even talk english so that i could understand what they were saying. And this was one of their community leaders, on behalf of the entire community. Yeah what a great way to represent an entire community. And what's worse is that the majority of the people who were there at the funeral, were there for me ie my family who ALL turned up, mine and Tangi's close friends and they weren't Cook Island. We were mostly maori, so it didn't make any sense to me that they had made themselves think that this funeral was all about them. That this was just a Cook Island function and no one else was allowed to be involved.
And for some strange reason I just have a feeling that this is what it's going to be like for theunveiling. I would rather not invite anyone other than the people who actually do care about us. At least it would make it a proper event where it's happy and I'm not nearly wanting to kill somebody. Even just before Tangi died, I told him that I had a really bad feeling that something was brewing with his funeral. And sure enough, had the threats coming in with taking Tangi's body away from me and also the dumb islanders talking island in front of me and my family saying really nasty stuff. and i only know this because some of the islanders there are actually friends of our family and they were really upset by it.
But anyways, I'm trying to focus on making this a memorable and happy farewell to my hubby, so just trying to breath normally without hyperventalating at the stress I'm putting myself under just thinking about it.
Which comes to my other thing, I've been trying to get in contact with the inlaws in Tokoroa to see if they've done anything with their mums headstone, because I don't know exactly what to organise if I don't know what they're doing. And because I need everything to finish early so that I can make it back to my rehearsal for the musical. But anyways, I'm still ringing everyday to see if I might actually get through or not. But I'm going down to Hastings next weekend, so I might stop in on my way down or back or something to see what they're doing.
Ok, thats my rant for the day. See how the rest of the day goes.
Right now, what I'm upset about is I'm predicting how the unvieling will play out. I'm predicting that if I continue to let these unvielings go ahead as a combined thing that when it comes to the hakari, that we will once again be outsiders, when I'm the person who allowed it all to happen. So I'm predicting that these dumb Tokoroa CI's are going to get up on the mic and start saying how much they loved my mother in law and my husband, not say anything about how they're thankful that i let them have the opportunity to be there and they will say it all in CI so me and my family can't understand any of it. I am predicting that this is going to be a total CI function and that's it.
Now, I had to figure out exactly what I was angry about. Was I angry at the Cook Island culture in general or the Tokoroa community. And i figured out that I am totally accepting of the Cook Island culture, I've got no qualms with it at all. I'm pissed at the Tokoroa community because I have not met any other CI's who are selfish like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who are such aggresive backstabbers like the Tokoroa community is, I haven't met any other CI's who openly shun everyone else who isn't CI other than the Tokoroa community. Now, I have family who are half CI, and they don't act like that, I have another family who my brother is marrying and they're not like that. I also have friends who are CI who are from Hastings who weren't like that. So why is it, that Tokoroa being in their own little bubble get off saying that all this negativity is a part of their culture. That's how they do things, that's a part of who they are as a culture. bull crap!!! It's just an excuse for them to blame everything on their culture and not taking responsibility for what bullshizzers they really are.
It's nearly been a year since the funeral and I still see red everytime I think about how that community treated me and my family. And it wasn't just a couple of them, it was the entire community. One of the leaders of their community even came into my own home and disrespected me. Didn't even say hi to me for one, didn't acknowledge me as Tangi's wife, even though he was stepping into mine and Tangi's home and didn't even talk english so that i could understand what they were saying. And this was one of their community leaders, on behalf of the entire community. Yeah what a great way to represent an entire community. And what's worse is that the majority of the people who were there at the funeral, were there for me ie my family who ALL turned up, mine and Tangi's close friends and they weren't Cook Island. We were mostly maori, so it didn't make any sense to me that they had made themselves think that this funeral was all about them. That this was just a Cook Island function and no one else was allowed to be involved.
And for some strange reason I just have a feeling that this is what it's going to be like for theunveiling. I would rather not invite anyone other than the people who actually do care about us. At least it would make it a proper event where it's happy and I'm not nearly wanting to kill somebody. Even just before Tangi died, I told him that I had a really bad feeling that something was brewing with his funeral. And sure enough, had the threats coming in with taking Tangi's body away from me and also the dumb islanders talking island in front of me and my family saying really nasty stuff. and i only know this because some of the islanders there are actually friends of our family and they were really upset by it.
But anyways, I'm trying to focus on making this a memorable and happy farewell to my hubby, so just trying to breath normally without hyperventalating at the stress I'm putting myself under just thinking about it.
Which comes to my other thing, I've been trying to get in contact with the inlaws in Tokoroa to see if they've done anything with their mums headstone, because I don't know exactly what to organise if I don't know what they're doing. And because I need everything to finish early so that I can make it back to my rehearsal for the musical. But anyways, I'm still ringing everyday to see if I might actually get through or not. But I'm going down to Hastings next weekend, so I might stop in on my way down or back or something to see what they're doing.
Ok, thats my rant for the day. See how the rest of the day goes.
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