Christmas Day

This was the morning of christmas Day. We had a wedding of Mr and Mrs Kenealy. My cousin Nikita and her partner Luke. It was really really really cold. She had decided last minute that she wanted to get married in her parents garden. It was a really good decision. The garden was beautiful and so were the couple. I still have to try and burn the dvd that I made for them and put all the photos on a cd and send that down too.This was Uncle giving away his daughter. And some of the bridal party. I have about 1200 photos from the weekend but not enough room to put on here. so only picking a couple. This was the cuzzies who were at the wedding. A couple of them didnt jump in.My brother were feeling at home and normal against the rest of the tall Poveys. hahaha. But yeah, they are really tall, where as the girls are short. hahaha. Well there are a couple girls who are tall but they were away, they couldnt make it for the reunion.

This is the Jury family. It was really kool just to see the cuzzies. This is my aunty Michelle and Uncle Neville. The Cuzzies, Aaron, Brendon and Jaydn and their partners and wife.

These are the inlaws who married into the Povey family. Well, who married the Povey sisters. From left to right, Uncle James, Uncle Neville, Uncle Steven and Dad.

After the beautiful wedding we all came back to the clubrooms and had a light lunch. There was lots of food, but it went really quick. That had to last us til 5pm for the christmas Dinner. When dinner was finished, it was so yum. There was food everywhere. We had lots and lots of food. We had nearly everyone there. Tried to get as much photos as possible so that I can put them on a DVD for everyone. On this day, we pretty much just laxed out and mingled with the family that we hadnt seen in years.

Finally Home

This was when we just turned up in Kaitangata. This is the town where my mums family lives. Just a small town in the wops. haha. It was a pretty kool town. This is us waiting at the Napier Airport. There was such a large group of us that they started freaking out. hahah.

Mum and hiran

Parris whanau. They couldnt make it so we took some pics and videos of them for the South Island lot to look at.

Still at the airport. Kara posing mad as. hahaha. That was her the entire time.

Well the first day when we arrived down in Kaitangata we had a powhiri waiting for us. Not a proper powhiri, but one that was unique to my mums family. It was really funny to watch. I got it on video. Then we got dinner prepared and our beds set up. Had dinner and then we all sat and introduced ourselves. And then we looked outside, it was still daylight. So we were all thinking 'ok, it must be 8pm' But no, it was 10pm. The kids were tired but still playing because it was still sunny. Even tho it was just a couple hours away, the difference in the sun coming out is different. Even in the mornings, it was still dark at 6am. So yeah, we ended up having pretty late nights and early mornings.

Sunday

Today we walked to church. Nothing like a good workout before going into sacrament. Man I was sweating hard out by the time we got there. After pushing 2 kids on the pram and another walking along side who thought it was a race. hahaha.

So yeah, having to walk instead of taking the car has saved me a bit of money. And also has made a pair of pants a little loose now. And I also got comments that I look a lot browner. The perks of getting a good suntan while walking around in the nearly unbearable heat of hamilton sun. lol.

I've been getting down a bit because my family from Aussie are here and they're not coming back up to hamilton after the reunion. So I kinda thought that the rest of the family would be over a bit more often just to hang out and stuff. But it's been a bit scarce of the hanging out part. Even I've been staying in my room a lot so I'm just as bad too. And they've barely come out the back to hang out with me too. It's been weird, like as if there's just this dampener on this Christmas. I can feel it. I'm feeling it because I don't have Tangi. I'm wondering if the rest of my family is feeling the same way. I'm not sure.

So I'm still deciding about the inlaws and whether I should stay down there. I think I am literally going to leave it till last minute, because since Tangi got diagnosed, I could only plan my life from day to day literally. There weren't any goals anymore but to get tangi better. So I'm still in that frame of mind. The only thing that I'm comprehending at the moment is that in a couple days, we're going to hastings and then down to south island. after that, I'm not bothering thinking about. It's just a bit hard to think about. So, I think I will just wait until we get back to see how I feel then about staying at my inlaws. Maybe I might feel a bit better, but we'll see.

When me and Tangi were living in sydney, we had a lot of fun. We actually had a few bills but when I said to Tangi ' We are always going to have bills, why can't we just have family day outs so we can make memories.' Now I know that this will not work out for everyone but it was one of the best decisions that we made. We made sure that we went out as a family and did stuff and took lots of photos to remember our fun times. My brother gave me this CD that had this program on it called 'From here to Maternity'. We had some friends who were one of the main couples on this program and they had asked us and a few other young families to do some snippets for the in between bits for the show. so we turned up and thats what on this CD, is the bits that they aired on the show of us. there's heaps with me in it and 2 parts with Tangi in it. So it was pretty kool to see what Tangi had said. He looked pretty good too. hehehe.

OK

Ok now, just so you know about what happened yesterday. I have been having an uphill battle with my niece. She's an awesome young lady but chooses to act younger than she is yet expects respect in return. So yeah, yesterday she was really getting on my nerves and a couple times, made me feel inadequate as a mother. She would bring my daughter into me saying ' there's your mum there ok, she's right there go to her' in that tone which says, there's your irresponsible mother. now my neice is 11years old and i let myself get angry at a comment that came from a girl who has NO IDEA what its like to have children. So that was my fault that I got so angry but even more angry that no matter what I said to her, she would still treat my kids like they were hers and that she could treat them badly with no repercussions. There was one time during the day where I was walking to give her a hiding because she had tipped me over the edge but she took off before I got there. Now for all those who have a teenager in their homes or who have looked after them. Dont' take crap from them. I have quite literally had enough of teenagers. Yeah I used to be one, Yeah I drove my mum up the wall. But the whole process of getting growled for my attitude and everything else was good for me. It helped me to learn what I was doing was wrong. And it got me ready for when it came to me looking after teenagers. I'm usually all sweet until they start treating my kids like their pests. And then they start talking to me as if I'm the problem.

I had asked Tangi one time if I was too hard. He never thought I was. He just thought that because I did everything and I remember how it felt. That I'm more on the ball now in picking up where the action and attitude will lead. One thing that I've always wanted my kids to know, and anyone else that comes to stay with me. Is that trust is a huge thing for me. If I can trust you, you can pretty much do what you want. If I don't trust you, You're not going to get away with anything at all and I will make your life hell. Well thats what I said to one person in particular. But it's funny how, even someone who is smart enough to scheme about what they're going to do to get away with something, isn't smart enough to figure out the trust thing. They just don't get it. My niece is just like that.

One thing I'm dreading is my son and daughter hitting that stage. My daughter already has attitude but can usually do her sad eyes and cute grin to get out of anything. My son just gets in trouble then turns around and says ' I'm sorry mummy'. How can you stay angry at that. man.

Now, while I've been writing this blog, There's been a few things that have upset me a whole lot and I try my best not to say who it is. But then people, who it's not about are asking me if it's about them. So I just want you to know that even if I am talking about someone in particular or a particular situation, I still only want those who are involved to know who it was and not everyone else to know who it was. Because I was thinking that if and when they were to read this, they won't be too happy that I've put it in this blog. But at the same time, it's something thats been eating at me for such a long time and at such an intensity that I need to get it out somehow and this is the only way I know how at the moment without going overboard with it. This is my way of coping at the moment, it's my way of trying to deal with everything, of trying to put things into perspective. I would love to specify exactly who it is that I am talking about, but if I'm only writing it to prove a point when I've already gotten over it, then why mention their name anyways. you know what I'm saying i'm pretty sure.

I am dreading going to my family reunion and introducing my family. I am dreading this whole holiday. I am dreading this coming year. I am dreading going to my inlaws place. Now the inlaws. they are wonderful people and are really kind and thoughtful. But just lack in the 'need to back off' department. I'm not ready to go and spend the night at their place. Not because of anything that they've done, only because I'm not ready to go into the room that me and Tangi shared, I'm not ready to go thru his things. I'm not ready to have to deal with all of that yet. Yet, they have been pressuring me to spend a whole week with them and to stay in his room. His mum at one point pulled out his hair from his first haircut and was trying to give it to me to hold, but I just pulled back and was just looking at her like 'Are you mad or something' . I wasn't ready. I want my kids to go and spend some time with them, I want them to spend time wth the kids but I still need some time. I have told them this but it's still not registering. His mum has breast cancer, but the cancer has developed so much that it's spread massively, into her lungs so she has trouble breathing, it really close to her heart. She won't have long.

Tangi told me that his mum had come to him in the hospital and told him that she didnt have long, but the Dr's couldnt say much else. He was crying when he told me that. My reaction wasnt the same, I said to him ' oh ok'. Tangi got angry at me because he expected the same reaction from me that he had when he heard about it. After he calmed down a bit, I told him that I'm sorry that I don't feel exactly the same way as you, but I am sad about it. Tangi had a totally different relationship to his mum that I did, so of course he was a whole lot closer and felt a greater loss than I did. At first I felt bad that I didnt feel as strongly, but Tangi said to me, that he understood why I don't feel exactly the same way as him. That my experiences were totally different to his. So yes, I am sad that this is happening to his family. I guess in most ways tho, I am pretty jealous too, like I've always been. Because when she does go, she gets to spend that time with him anyways, and yet, I'm still here and have to wait. why does that happen aye?? That you have to wait for that something great.

I was telling Tangi one time, that when the time is right, just have to wait a little bit longer and then the reward will be a whole lot greater. So, thats just one of those things. And here I am just babbling again. I'm not so tired today anyways. Which is good. I'm a lot happier because I got to talk about it to my sisinlaw last night. And my other sisinlaw this morning. So yeah, my mum wants to go carolling at tangi's grave tomorrow night, which should be ok cause Dupri knows Jingle bells. hahaha.

Feeling frustrated and angry

It's like since I woke up, I can't shake this feeling and emotion. And it's not helping anyone else because they're all avoiding me because I keep snapping at everyone. I'm angry because we will no longer have Tangi to share Christmas with again. We will never be able to open our gifts with him. We will never be able to do our little Christmas devotionals again. We will never be able to go christmas shopping with each other. We will never be able to have any more family photos.

Even tho I've got family around and I hang out with a couple people. I can never express how I'm really feeling, because one) they don't have the time or energy to hear it, two) they've got kids and husbands that need attention too, three) it just sounds like i'm complaining most of the time four) I will probably just go on and on and on. I have tried to talk to a couple people but it's just not the same. I can't talk as freely as I did with Tangi. I can't feel the same way as I did with Tangi.

I'm so frustrated today that everything that my kids and my nieces are doing are pissing me off. All I can hear is 'dupri, stop doing that! dupri, don't touch that, pearl get out of there, pearl stop touching that' It just feels like my kids can never really have fun with any of their cousins because they're the youngest. All they get are growlings from their older cousins and it really pisses me off that they don't just play with them. So I have to take my kids away just so they can have a break. Which leaves me with no break once again. I hate talking about anything because those who I say a little bit to, can't comprehend what and how I'm feeling because it's so much to deal with. Sometimes I try to say it out loud what I'm feeling and sometimes it just feels stupid doing that. But oh well. I don't know if Tangi can read my mind now or what. If he can, then primo. Cause at least he still knows what I'm going thru but its just hard that I can't get anyone else to understand it either. I'm crying constantly yet no one knows what to say, no one lets me tell them why I'm crying, even tho they think they know. I'm excited but dreading the reunion with my family because I'm going to feel even worse. Happy that I'm with my family but hurting so much because I couldnt bring Tangi to meet any of them. Because he couldnt share this with me and the kids. Because we couldnt go as a family like the rest are. I'm despising the fact that I'm in this little torn family and everyone gets to still play happy families and I'm left in the dark.

Now just so you know, if it does sound like I'm babbling and talking about crap, well it's probably because I can't think straight right now. I really need a holiday. I need to get away from everyone and just have my own space. Even away from my children. I've been wanting to get a massage for ages and so I was going to save for a holiday just to relax and try to get my head around a couple things.

My son has a christmas party at 6 tonight and hopefully that goes well. He'll be singing and stuff. so that'll be fun to watch.

I just wish that when people say that they're here for me, then to be there for me. I just can't handle much more. Maybe I need to go and talk to someone else about all this. Yeah, i think that's what I'll do.

Temple lights with the family

Dupri was having a ball. He was so good that he was listening to everyone and still having heaps of fun. I rewarded him with a 'Good Boy Dupri' and a hug and kiss. Not that I give those to him anyways but I felt really proud of him tonight.

Jax and Dionte. It was kool that they came with us. Helped with the transport. hahaha. Thanks guys. This is a pretty kool photo of them.

Kara and Tiarns. It was kool being there with my family.

Me and Pearl just cheesing it out. hahaha. Obviously Pearl stole the show.

Pearl and Tiarns walked from the cars to the lights holding hands all the way. Kool.

I went for a walk around by myself just so I could see what the lights were like. But then all of a sudden I just felt like I wanted to burst out crying. I didnt have my husband there to share this experience with. He wasnt here to help hold the kids or to have a family photo in front of the lights or even to hold my hand up the the driveway. Sister Katene came up to me and gave me a hug and I just couldnt help but start balling my eyes out. I was really trying not to but it just overcame me. She gave me this flower from her garden which smelt really good. She said that she picks them every night just so she can smell it before she goes to sleep. I was really touched that even tho it wasn't the hugest gesture or anything, but it made me feel soo much better. Like as if it was Tangi giving me that flower. So now the kids are asleep and I'm staying up waiting for my sister to come in and hang out. She has to get her girls to sleep first which takes ages. hahaha. But yeah, time for hold outs from the kids. hehehe.

Morning at the pools

Pearl was loving the water. As you can see obviously that she'll end up being pretty good in the water. Put her in cold water tho, and she won't even touch it with her toe. haha. She was loving this swim. It was at Gallaghers pool over in Melville. They had all these toys out, it was pretty awesome. So yeah, we went about 10am and it was a pretty awesome time just for the kids.

Ryen doing her Models Inc pose already. hahaha.

Uncle Roman was helping Dupri to learn how to swim. Dupri hasnt really been in the water that much, its pretty tough going swimming with both of them by myself. But since there was a heap of us, it was good to just go and spend time with one of the kids. Pearl is pretty clingy to me, and yeah it's my fault i guess but no matter what I try to do, she always cries for me. So no real break from her yet. Dupri was doing really well. he thought he was big and was going into the deep end of the kiddie pool.

This was on the way to the pools. Pearl was getting herself ready for the chlorine. And Tiarns was just chilling out.

Dupri wanted to put the eyes on. Which in translation means Goggles. He was just staunching everyone out cause he had his eyes on. hahaha. Ryen was pretty good to let him wear them until we got to the pools. Roman and Jas had come and picked us all up to go. Lucky they had a van to fit us all in and still had to get another car. Man, I really need to get my car fixed.