Day 3

Last night I had a pretty good sleep. Was able to just put my head on the pillow and out i went. So that was pretty good. I passed on the gentle excercise session today and just relaxed in the room. I finished the book ' to kill a mockingbird'. It was pretty good. Went into the ballroom and had a 'clay' session. made a couple things but nothing that great. then we went out into the garden and had to write to ourselves in the future. I dated mine 17 september 2010. Just so that I could be more realistic as to how things would be in a years time. So that was a good excercise. Then lunch, had toasted sandwiches, which had veges and tofu in it. mmm. and then had a long break so had a little nap and read a little bit and then i went for another massage. Today's one felt really good, she had a different style to the lady on monday. so it felt really good. had a nice long hot shower afterwards to get the oils off my skin, cause my skin is already oily and adding more just makes me break out. Had dinner which was quite nice and started on a 1000 piece puzzle, which i'm thinking about just packing up because I wont be finished by friday. I rang Dupri and Pearl this evening because I miss them. And knowing me, when I get home it'll be 'go away' gosh. hahaha. Man, i miss those two gremlins. they really make my day. Every night when i put them to bed, pearl comes and gives me endless kisses and always ends it with a 'lav yooo'. hehehe translation means 'love you'. and dupri always chucks in a 'nose' which is nudge each others noses before he says love you and hops into bed. I really miss giving them cuddles. i make them cuddle me haha because i love it. they bring so much hapiness into my life, even when most days i just cant get out of my crabby mood. so yeah thats pretty much been my day today so far. not that much going on, just relax, relax, relax and oh, did i say relax. yeah. well.

2nd day at the monastery

Day 2

Last night I didnt sleep that well at all. First of all, I couldnt even get to sleep. It took a few attempts to even be able to keep my eyes closed because I was already exhausted but obviously my body didnt want to sleep. When I did finally get to sleep I kept waking up. So I had a pretty restless night last night. The bed was really comfortable tho. So this morning, had toast and homemade organic jam. Had an excercise workshop which was basically just a theory based excercise thing. It was good. Trying to find ways in how I can get more excercise at home to help me feel a whole lot better. And then straight after that had a nutrition workshop which was talking about what foods have what things in them. And what not to eat so much of and how to balance our nutrician. It was really informative. We had lunch, which was vegetarian burrito's. I had about 4 because i was starving by about then. I'm still trying to get used to this diet because I think my body is cleansing itself out with all this organic and healthy diet that they give. I then had reflexology on my feet and the therapist said that I have tense shoulders and neck area and my back is tender because of my posture. And she gave me some stuff that might help me to sleep. It's lavendar, rose and gold and they put it on a cloth and when i'm about to go to sleep to put it on my heart. They say that gold is what the sun is made out of and our body draws its strength from the sun so it makes sense to put that nearer to our hearts to help cleanse it. So, i'm going to try it out tonight. After that I had a little time to myself and then had a counselling session. It was really good to just talk about myself for a change and have someone actually listen to what i'm saying. she said that I am doing well with coping with whats happened in my life and that my way of thinking is extremely good. My head is in a good place and I've learnt a whole lot thru my experiences. And despite what others have done to me, i'm still trying to maintain my relationship with those people. so i thought that was pretty kool that she saw that from what i told her. Told her about my sleeping, which hasnt been that good for about a year, well since tangi was diagnosed. Actually i think a month or two before that but yeah, about a year. And she suggested to have a bath before, so the staff are getting a lavendar bath ready for me with candles and everything. awesome huh!!!! I'm reading the book ' To kill a mocking bird'. I've heard lots of people refer to this book in various things and thought, well since i'm here, i might as well read it since i won't hire it out at a library. And I must say that it is an interesting book. set in the 1930s in South Alabama when the blacks were slaves. its' interesting and not what i thought it would be like. so if you pick it up at all, then i suggest that you have a go at it. it's nothing like 'twilight' but hey, its still interesting. hahaha.

My first day at the Monastery

I got here at about 10am. I drove down the driveway and it actually has quite a sharp turn and it goes down to the house. The driveway is lined with beautiful huge trees and shrubs everywhere. I got to the house and was greeted by one of the awesome staff here. They are soo friendly and understanding. She showed me to my room. It's called the 'Kingfisher' Room becuase of the portrait of a kingfisher in it. I've got my own ensuite which is awesome. They had morning tea waiting for me and a footbath. Man, it smelt like lavendar and something else that just smelt soooo yum. so i had a 15 minute footbath and just relaxing in the sun on this comfy as seat in my room. And then after that, we got to have a talk about what to expect throughout the rest of the day and also for the rest of the week. And just to utilise this time here as time especially for me. So I'm already feeling blown away by what we'd done already. Lunch was served and it was 'lentil and bean soup'. It was quite yum, it was accompanied with wheat bread and gluten-free bread (for the other guest here, yes there is only two of us. awesome aye!!) with pesto which was yum. I think i ate most of the pesto. And then there was a salad for afterwards with vinigrette dressing. I went and had a nap after lunch becuase I was feeling a bit exhausted and weathered. Someone came in and woke me up becuase it was 4pm. So I got up and had a little chat with one of the staff, and she just made sure that I still wanted what I had asked for at my first assessment. I said yes, i still want to have a relaxing time and unwind and have me time. She told me that i was booked into a massage this afternoon. So the massage therapist did an assessment with me and then we went into the 'Rose room'. The massage was quite sore in some parts, but felt awesome when she was finished. She said that I had a lot of tension in my shoulders. Its apparently the most common place for women to hold their stress. It sounds right that!! And then dinner was ready. We had 3 courses, roast vegetables (capsicum, and other stuff), this wheat stuff with salmon and bean sprouts, carrots and beans. Pudding was Pear with Ricotta cheese and a bit of chocolate. It was yum, and yes, they cook vegan which i dont mind. i'm all for experiencing a different thing at the moment. So I had a shower and then came into the 'Ballroom' and had a meditation session which was for about 10 minutes and now i'm on here writing about it. The rest of the week is quite full on with the schedule that they gave us but I don't have to do every single thing if i don't want to. It still will be relaxing as ever and also beneficial to my wellbeing, so i dont mind doing it to help me come home as a better and more aware person. Even just having a 10 minute chat to the other lady that is here has been nice. She's an elderly woman and feeling the strain of being lonely. She's actually quite an independent woman but has experienced a lot of grief in her life and it's all catching up with her. It's the same with me. I just feel that my outlets havent been that beneficial but that i've been bottling most of it up because i have no choice but to move on for the sake of my children. and the pressures from other people for me to move on. Even tho i can see where they're coming from, it still doesnt seem right becuase they havent gone thru this yet. And it'll be interesting to see what happens when it is their turn. Because it is going to happen to every single one of us, losing the person you love most in the world. It's just that, my time has come a whole lot earlier than everyone else. Even my own family. Only my nanny can relate to me. Well, I can honestly say that yes, i am enjoying myself thus far. The building is really beautiful and the grounds are beautiful too. I'm going to take some photos tomorrow to take home and put on here. But won't put anything up until i get home on Friday. I'm not missing my kids yet, but mostly because i know that they're ok.

Just a quick one

I'm writing this before I have to get ready for my meeting for tonight. So it's only a 5 minute write up of how i'm feeling at the moment.

There have been a few times where I've felt like such a huge burden on my family. One, a financial burden on my parents because I havent been paying our board. I should be, but that actually quite literally puts a strain on my head. Because it's yet another bill to pay with everything else. I think that I'm in the same boat as everyone else tho because I'm not exactly the most richest person in the world.
2nd, I feel like I'm a burden on everyone else who I ask to babysit my kids. My parents are the usual babysitters, and even tho they say yes, most of the time, i know that they're tired because of their committments and their age. haha. ok i had to put the age thing in there. yeah, they're getting old and tired. And they do have a whole lot on their plate. I feel like it's too big of a thing to ask my brothers to babysit much because one brother has a different schedule to me and the other has an overdose of commitments, that fitting me into his schedule is a huge ask as well. Sometimes i just wished it was easier. But i guess thats never going to happen aye. I've been trying to be a bit more proactive whilst still giving the kids their routine. They're soo happy just to be kids and my moods are sometimes a bit much for them.

Today, we went to the laundromat do dry some clothing. And before we had even gotten out of the car, i was already growling them. Told them to stay in the car so i could get the washing out and into the dryer so that we could do some other stuff while we waited for it to dry. Got the kids out, and dupri just took off while pearl was lagging behind. All I could do, was yell at dupri to 'get back here'. To everyone else, i know i look like a mental case because i'm always yelling at my kids or telling them off. But, it's not like many people come to help out with the disciplinary side of things. Or maybe it's just me being stupid yet again. I do overthink things. I've also been trying to clean out some of our stuff. and i came across the letters and cards from when tangi was in hospital and when he passed away. I couldnt bear to even open them up to read them, it was too painful to even hold them. so i put them back where they were for another time when i think i'm ready to go thru them again. It hasnt been that long since he died, its only been 5 months and it's still hard. I miss him still. Being in Tokoroa brings too many things back that it hurts to be there. All the pictures of him, the letters and even his old clothes are still there. How can someone do this alone. Everyone else have gone back to their normal everyday lives, where they worry about themselves. there's absolutely nothing wrong with that at all, because thats' what theyre suppoesd to do. I want someoen to share my burden with me, but I want it to be Tangi. Nobody else. I've been watching the Aussie time of 'home and away'. Martha, Tony and Rachel launched the boat that jack and tony were doing up. And martha saw jack just sitting on the boat. That was a really sad thing for me to see. Because even tho i didnt see Tangi, i definately felt him when his mum was leaving this world. He was there, he touched me. I felt it. I miss him soo much and i just wish this wasnt so hard and painful. I loved him a whole lot.
Some ladies at the funeral of my motherinlaw were giving me a hard time about tangi being buried here in hamilton and not in tokoroa with his mother. I didnt give two stuffs about it coming from those who werent LDS. But there were 2 ladies who were LDS and giving me a hard time about it. I couldnt get why they were saying this to me, becuase I wouldve thought they know better. But they obviously didnt. Because they said to me ' Tangi was her son, that was her sunshine, its sad that she's not able to be buried with him because that was her son'. I tried to tell them that he belongs to me and I belong to him, because we are sealed, but they were still persistant. What do u say to people like that. Nothing. Because no matter what u do say, they will still try to barge their thoughts and beliefs on you no matter what you think or say. But i've got to go and get ready, get my children ready for bed etc. Ok.

This is my worn out looking mum. She's not actually frowning, she's overjoyed. hahaha. Pearl having fun with her papa. They were watching the kids movie 'Happy Feet'.

Dupri with his new haircut. He looks like such a little boy now. He's sooo gorgeous.

Pearl lazing out in the lounge

This is my favourite of my two children. They're just soo gorgeous and beautiful. And dupri looks like a real little boy now, not that he didnt before, but his haircut goes with his personality. And Pearl is a pretty little girl. hehehe. Man, me and Tangi make such beautiful children.

Something special and nice happened while we, the family who were there were waiting for Api to pass on. It was at about 4pm or something. And I was sitting on one of the chairs. The seat next to me was empty. I felt this nice warm feeling, straight away I knew that Tangi was there. It felt like he had hugged me. But I knew he was there. I didnt say anything to anyone about it until afterwards. I told Myra that I knew he was here.
It wasnt until the Family Service that I found out that Tangi Snr had asked Api if she could see my husband, and she had nodded Yes. Man, thats just amazing.

Its been awhile

Okay, its been a while since I've been regularly writing in here. And a lot has happened since I then too. Well, I think the last entry was about my motherinlaw. I was in Tokoroa when I wrote that.

Honestly, what a headache!!!!

Everything was going really well, Me and Myra (sisinlaw) were looking after Api, making sure she was as comfortable as she could be. I pretty much put myself in charge of her meds and health stuff, while Myra did the more personal things with her mum, like bathing etc. Api was deteriorating very quickly. It got to a point where Api said that things were starting to look a bit strange. I knew from all my research and experience that thats one of the symptoms of the active phase of dying. So I asked Api if she would like a priesthood blessing. I knew that this would most likely be her final blessing. She agreed, so I rang her bishop to come and administer this to her. In the blessing, he mentioned that she would experience great amounts of pain by the cancer, but its nothing that she can't handle. And that all of us who are here to look after her, will be guided so that we can help her the way she needs to be helped. So me and Myra decided that we'd ring and tell the people who we thought really needed to know and go from there. We only rang Aunty Vero (api's sister) and Uncle Teariki (api's brother). This was on Thursday 26th Feb. We got a call from Aunty Vero and they told us that they were coming down straight away. So they got in at about 3am. I woke up at 4.30am to Api screaming out in pain. She was in a whole lot of pain, all in her chest. That was where the cancer was. Me and Myra jumped straight into action and got her pain meds ready. She yelled at us to give them to her, so we jumped and gave the meds to her straight away. I didnt like seeing her like that. But for me, I knew that this was part of the process for her. She started to get a lot weaker, by the time Saturday came, she was too weak to even keep her eyes open for very long. So we put her on her bed, and let her rest. She had been asleep for about 2 hours and me and Myra were just trying to sort the house out. When I got back, they said that her breathing had changed. I knew from there that she was on her way out, but couldnt tell them how long she had. It was now literally a waiting game. Tried to make sure that Api was comfortable. She was too weak. We couldnt touch her because she was in too much pain. At 6.20pm Sat 28th Feb 09, Tereapii took her last breath and died.

For everyone else in the room, this was the first time they had ever seen anyone die. For me, it was my 2nd time. I had already set into motion getting the funeral director notified, the Dr we couldnt get a hold of. so the next thing was to call the ambulance to get them to pronounce her. They said that they couldnt but the police had to do a routine check. One of the police officers who came to the house was actually one of Myra's close friends, she is one of Myras sons godmother. So she hurried the process and did the check. Apparently it's routine for anyone who died at home. So me and Myra both spoke to the police about Api's history and that there were a lot of witnesses that there was no foul play. She died because of her cancer. So that was done and then a whole lot of people started showing up at the house. And most of them were the leaders from the PIC church. (Pacific Island Church). They were actually quite demanding about whats happening, where is she going etc. The family told them whats going to happen, yet they still talked about what kind of services they were going to do. They were talking over one another and were rushing to come to a conclusion. The undertaker rang me back and said that he's willing to take her that night,get her ready and we can dress her, and then bring her back to the house tonight. That was something that everyone agreed on.

I guess what annoyed me most of all, was that no one stopped to ask if she had already made her plans. They just jumped to the conclusion that they had the authority to just take over and do everything to how they see fit. It was very contentious and degrading. Knowing that Tangi and Myra couldnt really sit there and just grieve, they couldnt even get a moment in there to just grieve before the circus started on them. Even the Aunty's (Api's sisters) were getting irritated.

I'm actually getting quite tired writing all this so will probably write the rest when i wake up. ok. oh and the pictures in here, were taken the Thursday 19th Feb when Api was waiting to be discharged from hospital.