May Resolutions

Ok. I have made some resolutions that will hopefully help me achieve the bigger goals.

1. Given up eating icecream.
2. Giving up on fizzys tomorrow. haha. Yes I will only drink either juice or water.
3. Give up McDonalds, Burger King and KFC tomorrow onwards.

Hopefully that will help to manage my weight a bit easier. Now I've been told that I'm not fat. But I dont think theyre seeing properly. hahaha. Well, I used to weigh 65kgs and now I sway around 80 - 85kgs. Yeah thats a pretty huge gain. Especially when I dont look that good in my clothes anymore. I used to fit into size 12 -10 and now I'm squeezing into 14-16 sometimes 18. It's not exactly a big morale booster.

I'm really enjoying my calling as YW secretary. I feel really busy with my calling. Getting to know the YW a whole lot better. They're really good and have a lot to say. Just had another change in our vicinity and have a new leader. She's pretty awesome and a bit overwhelmed with the amount of responsibility for her. But she's gonna do an awesome job.

Oh, I am also going to be making more of an effort to get back into making salads again. They're yummy, I really like making marinated chicken salad. It's yummy and tasty so I would really love to keep having that for lunch to help get my body a bit healthier.

Temple week this week. So I've got my babysitters all lined up. So I have to try and get to the gym too.

My next goal to make up a timetable for my everyday things and to stick to it. Well, I have no problems making timetables. It's the sticking to it part that I really have a hard time with. I guess its not enough motivation to keep me wanting to stick to it or not. Oh and laziness too. So, if i want to keep my mind light and happy I need to stick to what I've planned. A little bit of spontanuiety isnt a bad thing but not all the time. hmmm.

well I'm going thru some more of Tangi's things. Went down to Tok on Friday for a couple hours and went through Tangi's room. His family want to get his stuff out of the house because he's not here anymore and there's not much use in keepiing it around. which i agree with, but now i have to sort through everything again. It was a lot easier to go through this stuff becuase I didnt know him then. It was things from his mission. Letters and journals etc. It's the stuff that we left over in Australia that I'm going to have a hard time going thru. Even the cards that we got from his funeral that are addressed to me and the kids, I can't look at them yet. It's too hard to look at them without balling furiously. So, I'm going to wait until I'm ready to do that. I've got all his clothes here that we were able to bring over. I can't bring myself to give them away yet. In some ways, I want our kids to be able to have something of his. So that they can feel a little bit closer to their dad. Tangi had a folder that had all the photos and details of the missionaries who served the same time as Tangi did in the Wellington mission. And I showed Dupri the entire page without pointing out that his dad was on there. And he was looking at it, and then he said ' Daddy' I asked him, where is daddy, and he pointed right at him. 'There is daddy, where mum'. He's a bit young to understand that they were mission photos but he knew exactly who his dad was. and I was really happy that they still remember. I kinda try to drone it into them. I never want them to ever forget their Dad.

Do things for yourself. Dont wait for someone else to make you feel good.

I know someone in my life who is extremely depressed and self esteem is soo low that she's thinking about doing things that would hurt a lot of people. Actually I know a few people like that hahaha. I'm sure we all have moments like these anyways, i sure have had my share of them. But this person in particular, i never really got along with her but the last few months we've been on a good page. She shared a few things with me about how she thinks she's useless and worthless and can never do anything right. And that she should just leave and never come back because she's no use here. I didnt know what to say. I was about to try to console her and stuff but started thinking about where that would get her. So I thought about how I tried to fix myself and my own troubles and knew that nobody else can make me feel wonderful. No one else can make me feel like I'm worth it. They definately do help of course but you should be able to do it for yourself. It's called selfcare. So unexpectantly, I just made a footbath for this person and then left her for 15 minutes to soak then came back in and exfoliated her feet. Once that was finished, told her to curl up and have a sleep. She felt really good after that. It wasnt much for me to do that for her. It only took half an hour and I was done and yet she felt good. And I wonder if the activities that you do make you happy. and if it doesnt, then why keep doing it. It doesnt make sense. Whether its out of habit, or laziness or just plain stupidity, is it enough to make you want to change yourself for the better. Regardless of your situation or your ethnicity or colour or hairstyle, hahaha, you should be able to make yourself happy.

On another note, I keep looking at my husbands photo and he looks sooooo handsome. My dad and I were talking and one of the biggest things that's stopping me from ever wanting to date anyone again is that I can't guarantee an eternity for them with me. So we started talking about the many widows that we knew who have remarried and what they've done. One widow I know of , remarried a non member - who has joined the church now and is now asking why they cant be sealed in the temple. Another widow remarried to a member guy who's a bit of a dork anyways, and is asking why they cant be sealed. another widow remarried someone who was divorced. Another widow who never remarried 15 years down the track. Such a hard decision. I'm still ok that if it came up that yeah i would remarry, but the process is a bit hard to decide. Whether its even worth it. I even had an idea that i could remarry and then just divorce them. Then I wouldnt have any obligation or remorse for not being able to be sealed to them. But yes i know, thats a stupid idea anyways.

And what's with this Swine flu going around. It feels like a normal flu but you wouldnt know it until it's too late. Do you think it would be considered suicide if you knowingly went and tried to fly to mexico so that you could catch that flu. ??

I loved Tangi so much. One day in the hospital, he asked me if I was ever happy with him. I said ' why would you ask me that!! Of course I was happy with you'. I was still trying to find myself when we were together but I was definately happy. I am happy enough right now to be able to keep waking up, showering and looking after my kids. But I still ache for him. Even though I know why he was taken, I still ask about it. Part of me wonders why I couldnt go with him. Why did I have to stay here. Tangi said that if it was me that was lying there in the bed instead of him, he would be wishing and praying that he could replace me.
ya know one thing that was pretty funny tho, when i was pregnant, before he could kiss me he had to go and brush his teeth and then rinse his mouth out because I couldnt stand the smell of his breath. And I could smell it from the front door. And then when he got sick and started chemo. I walked in one day after having thoroughly brushing my teeth and washing myself, he said to me 'no offence babe, but your breathe really stinks'. Man i tried all that day to not breath on him. funny how what goes around comes around. So i made sure i had gum and everything else to try to hide my supposedly bad breath from him hahahaa.

I really miss my babe. I still wonder how the kids will turn out without their father being around. I wanted them to pick up a lot of his traits but they're picking up more of mine. haha. Especially my stubborness. Geez!! But they still crack me up with their funny little quirks.

Having a couple nightmares

A few nights ago I couldnt get to sleep. So I ended up staying up till really late. And then all I could see was my husbands face right when he died. And seeing his mums face when she died. I couldnt get it out of my head and it was really frightening. Sometimes I feel like I'm immune when it comes to my feelings about how everything really is. Because I'm good at supressing everything so that no one else knows exactly whats going on. It's not a good coping mechanism but it helps me to think things through easier.
But yeah, I was having a couple nightmares and it freaked me out a bit. I ended up crying so hard that my daughter woke up next to me, and she saw me crying and was patting my arm saying ' its alrite mum'. She's only 1 and she was trying to reassure me and make me feel better.

I had one nightmare while I was at my inlaws place when Api was sick. It 2 nights before she passed away. And I saw her standing in front of me bleeding from her nose, eyes, mouth and ears gasping for breath. I was terrified that I woke up. I didnt know what to make of it.

I started thinking about career options and if I'd actually be good at being a nurse. I think I'm good when it's an emergency, I find that all my adrenalin just pushes me into action because I know what to do. But I dont think I want to deal with all the sickness. Yeah there are the patients that go and dont' come back to the hospital. But to see the regular patients and then getting the news that they passed away. Or even trying to resuscitate them but its no use. How can Doctors do that, live with that kind of thing. They get used to it, it just becomes the norm for them. They try not to get too close to the patient so that it doesnt affect them as badly. hmm

Wateva

My kids doing their 'YES'!!!!!!!

Ok I was being a dork while i was taking these pics. hahaha. But hey, I thought I would grace my blog with my pics. ahhaha. Lookin good I guess. hahaha. Well, I was hoping that I look skinnier to the last pics I put up on here of my fat face. But hey, Have to get picked for NZ Top Model somehow. hahaha. I am contemplating whether or not I should go to this dance tonight. It's for the YSA but all the people that I still keep in contact with arent texting me back or anything to see if their going to this dance too. I've been wanting to get new friends because it's frustrating when I want to do something, they're too busy. So I need a few more mates who have different things on I guess. hahaha. And this is the single mates too. Geez. Anyways, I thought that I might just pop my head in and see who's there anyway and go from there. My kids will be in bed asleep by the time I start getting ready anyway. Well, here goes nothing.

woohoo

Tomorrow is the official day of the DVD for Twilight. So I'm going to get my reserved copy from the Warehouse and then go over to my mates place to watch it with her. And probably eat some hard out munchies. Yummmm!!!!

Okay, I'm back on again

Lucky I didnt get rid of this thing. I found that yeah I may be happy and stuff, but this is sure a really good outlet for things that arent going so good. I've had a pretty good couple of weeks. My daughter is sick, so I'm dosing her up on Pamol and I'm getting an itchy throat which usually means that in a couple days, i'm going to be sick. My mum has been sick as for about 2 weeks now. She hasnt been eating too well, and has no energy at all. She has pretty much spent most of the time in her room sleeping or just lying in bed. So yeah, she's been sick as. And then my son just has the loudest voice I know of. He quite literally just annoys me to hell when he starts yelling. I tell him to whisper, and so he does, but then he goes back to yelling again. He's in the phase at the moment that anything that goes wrong, he belts out and yell/squeel thing. He's still adorable but his volume is really getting on my nerves. When he was born, you could hear him in the next ward.
I've been trying to budget. I can do up a budget, and its realistic and everything, but sticking to it. Dammit, it's the toughest thing out. Especially when things pop up like, WOF and registration for your car, dental work, clothes that are on special. It's just so damn hard. So I'm going to try to a different way to try to save money. I'm going to get rid of my gym membership. It's on trade me at the moment, if anyone wants to get it. hint hint!!!! And I'm wanting to get rid of my phone and internet. Mostly because it's my biggest expense at the moment. Which will save me heaps of money. I just love the convenience of having my own phone line and my own internet in our room without ticking anyone off inside with using theirs all the time. Or maybe I will just get rid of my internet and attack my wireless modem to my parents so then I can still use the internet out here in our place. hahaha. Either way, I have said that I will help pay for the power in exchange for the rent, which is a little cheaper I guess. But I need to save as much as I can, as fast as I can. I have only 5 months left to Tangi's unveiling and need the money to waterproof the headstone and then to engrave it. We've already got the stone, got the shape, got the papers to apply for the permit, and the picture. Just not too sure about everything else. So my next step is to go to a monument place and ask them what they do. I'm sure they will be more than happy to offer pointers for me. I still only want immediate family and the close close friends that I invite personally to be there at the unvieling. I'm feeling a little guilty not inviting everyone else but I feel that they got to say their goodbyes at the funeral. I want this time for me and the kids. For it to be special and intimate for us. I can kind of see in some ways, that Tangi's family would feel quite robbed by this, I mean, how would I feel if Tangi only invited his family and not mine at my funeral or unvieling. I would be disappointed at that. Money is an issue. I dont want to ask his family for help because they've made such a huge deal over who gets to handle the money from Api's funeral. That's been a ridiculous fiasco in itself. But anyways, I have 4 older brothers, all whom are married, and have children. Tangi only had 2 younger sister, one with children, the other still a teenager. It does seem that it would be about my family but its not.
When Tangi first got sick, he was in hospital and one of his relations rang up, someone who he didnt know of anyways, she said that she was living in Sydney for awhile and that she hadnt seen him since they were kids. And that she wanted to come and see him because he had no family around. It annoyed me that she would think that her presence would be a comfort, someone who is a stranger, only related by blood, not by closeness or anything else, would think that her being there would somehow make things ok for him. There was even one of Tangi's Uncles who rang asking to see him, when I said that we didnt want any visitors, turned around and said ' that I shouldnt be there either if there is no visitors allowed'. It was more like, these relatives, who had never bothered to come and see us before, but felt obligated to see him that they knew he was sick felt that they had more of a right than me to go and see him. What bull!!! It's been 6 months since he passed away and I miss him like crazy. I still cry at little things, I still wish this didnt happen to us. I still hope that when I wake up, he'll be next to me, watching me, waiting for me to wake up.
Tangi had the warmest eyes, they were so kind and gentle. And mocked the crap out of me too. hahaha. He knew me inside and out, he knew when I was happy, annoyed, frustrated, anxious just by looking at me. One time, I was angry at something he said, but I didnt let him see my face. And then he asked me, are you angry. I said ' No, why would you think that', he said 'because you're breathing like you're angry'. I couldnt even hear my breathing but he noticed. He knew what ticked me off, and he admitted that he would purposely rark me up just so he could have a laugh. Geez. hahaha. He was really funny. We would laugh at the stupidest things, and it was good because we both had a good sense of humour. I really miss my babe. I keep on looking at the kids growing up and wondering what he gets to witness. What does Tangi actually get to see the kids do. Does he see his kids fighting?? Does he see them learn to ride their bike for the first time?? Does he see them laugh like there's no tomorrow?? Does he get to see them drift off to sleep? The joys of being a parent and witnessing those awesome moments, what does he get to be a part of. It's 1.44am and writing this is keeping up so I better get to sleep. I think I'm going to need a nap in the afternoon.

The Beginning of a new life

I feel that I am beginning to start a new life with my children. I'm feeling a little nervous but ecstatic that I'm allowed to have this chance to move on with my children. They make me laugh, smile, angry, mope, tired, crazy and yet I can't live without them. I'm feeling lonely but am loving my life. I always wished that Tangi was still here to share this with me. That we could be able to spend our life together. I can't take his wedding rings off yet, it feels too good on my fingers hehe. Anyways, I've got to go now because I'm dropping my kids off at my Brothers place and then off to the temple.