Yahhh!!!!!
Ok since my whine in my last post I have now got a solution. I went to someone's place last night to have a look at signage. And they said that I could actually use it to put onto the stone as well so long as it's smooth enough for the signage to stick to it. So my dad was hard out trying to get the plaster as smooth as he possibly could all tonight since he got home. The headstone finish is looking pretty good the more my dad works on it. So tomorrow, I'm going to make sure that I get these stupid super papers certified and then post them off. And then get the permit paid for and handed in so the process can start on time. So hopefully that takes a bit of strain off of everything especially my insane moans. But yeah,my dad is sweet as with what I think and is just waiting for the plaster to dry so that we can see what it looks like.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Coming up a bit too fast
Now I'm starting to get people asking me what's happening with the unveiling so they can make their plans to come to it. I don't mind too much but I don't even know what's happening. It's not because i don't want it to happen, it's just that I've been finding it real hard to even do anything about it. It's like as if everything is just final. Like that's it. And I don't want that feeling but I can't shake it and it's just getting harder and harder every single day.
I haven't even done the permit to be able to install the headstone yet, I've got to wait for my dad to finish the headstone so that we can take it in to the engravers to get it done and then I have to wait for my brother to put a tamoko on the back of it. All the while, I have no money to get any of it done. And even tho I've had people ask me if I need anything, I can't bring myself to ask them for money especially with so much stuff happening at the moment. It just feels like it's getting a bit suffocating. I don't even have an ounce of courage to get these forms off to the superannuation companies that Tangi was with. Because once again, it's erasing him bit by bit. But it's like, I put on this brave face hoping that no one knows whats really going on and I must be doing a really great job because other than my dad, no one has come to say what they can do to help. It's still put back on me, which sounds lazy when i read back on it, but it's not that I'm lazy because i could get it all done in one day if i really wanted to. But it's just physically and emotionally hard for me to deal with any of it. And then on top of that, I've got my show which starts in a couple weeks so I've been trying to focus on being a convincing performer.
i had a talk with one of my mates the other day and i told him what i've been getting up to. It's not a lot of good stuff but I just told him that it numbs this feeling of feeling useless and worthless. It helps me to forget about whats happening and makes me happy for a little while. And he just listened. I told him about my need to help everyone el se around me and he jsut said, 'maybe you need to help yourself. stop focusing on how everyone else is coping with their things, focus on yourself and make yourself better first.' For me, I just told him that hey, i'm fine. i'm working through things alright. everyone else seems to think so. they don't think i'm grieving anymore and that i have some special superpower where i can push all of my feelings behind me. It's not true. But sometimes it feels like that when I'm trying to raise my two kids plus do my calling, plus do my show, plus try to organise my husbands unveiling, plus sort out my finances to try to help out my brother as much as i can, plus try to look at our own place to move into next year. It's not all that bad though. I am having fun. I can feel myself slipping tho.
I haven't even done the permit to be able to install the headstone yet, I've got to wait for my dad to finish the headstone so that we can take it in to the engravers to get it done and then I have to wait for my brother to put a tamoko on the back of it. All the while, I have no money to get any of it done. And even tho I've had people ask me if I need anything, I can't bring myself to ask them for money especially with so much stuff happening at the moment. It just feels like it's getting a bit suffocating. I don't even have an ounce of courage to get these forms off to the superannuation companies that Tangi was with. Because once again, it's erasing him bit by bit. But it's like, I put on this brave face hoping that no one knows whats really going on and I must be doing a really great job because other than my dad, no one has come to say what they can do to help. It's still put back on me, which sounds lazy when i read back on it, but it's not that I'm lazy because i could get it all done in one day if i really wanted to. But it's just physically and emotionally hard for me to deal with any of it. And then on top of that, I've got my show which starts in a couple weeks so I've been trying to focus on being a convincing performer.
i had a talk with one of my mates the other day and i told him what i've been getting up to. It's not a lot of good stuff but I just told him that it numbs this feeling of feeling useless and worthless. It helps me to forget about whats happening and makes me happy for a little while. And he just listened. I told him about my need to help everyone el se around me and he jsut said, 'maybe you need to help yourself. stop focusing on how everyone else is coping with their things, focus on yourself and make yourself better first.' For me, I just told him that hey, i'm fine. i'm working through things alright. everyone else seems to think so. they don't think i'm grieving anymore and that i have some special superpower where i can push all of my feelings behind me. It's not true. But sometimes it feels like that when I'm trying to raise my two kids plus do my calling, plus do my show, plus try to organise my husbands unveiling, plus sort out my finances to try to help out my brother as much as i can, plus try to look at our own place to move into next year. It's not all that bad though. I am having fun. I can feel myself slipping tho.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Stay away from all men
Now that's something to think about. hahaha
Well, I was told this by my mum. It just sounded funny coming from her. But hey, it is good advice.
Well, I was told this by my mum. It just sounded funny coming from her. But hey, it is good advice.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Jumping on the band wagon
hahaha
So I thought, man all these kats have got massive backgrounds and I couldn't find them. So I thought, what the hell I'll just go get one where everyone else is. So I decided on a grungey butterfly theme. Pretty kool colours and textures I think. lol.
The time is 10am and my children are already asking for chocolate icecream. Man, what little junk eaters. hahaha. It's only cause they saw that there was some icecream in the freezer and I bought them some icecream cones so they think they can have it whenever they want. Just as kids do.
Don't you hate it when you've just cleaned up and then they come along and just make a huge mess and make it look like you didn't clean up in the first place. Geez. I can't wait till they're a little older so the place can stay clean for at least a whole day or two.
hmmm
So I thought, man all these kats have got massive backgrounds and I couldn't find them. So I thought, what the hell I'll just go get one where everyone else is. So I decided on a grungey butterfly theme. Pretty kool colours and textures I think. lol.
The time is 10am and my children are already asking for chocolate icecream. Man, what little junk eaters. hahaha. It's only cause they saw that there was some icecream in the freezer and I bought them some icecream cones so they think they can have it whenever they want. Just as kids do.
Don't you hate it when you've just cleaned up and then they come along and just make a huge mess and make it look like you didn't clean up in the first place. Geez. I can't wait till they're a little older so the place can stay clean for at least a whole day or two.
hmmm
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Saying goodnight to my kiddies
Saying goodnight to my kiddies consists of a hug, then a kiss, then wiggling our noses together, then giving each other butterfly kisses then another kiss and another hug then a string of 'goodnight mummy, goodnight my darling, i love you mummy, i love you my darling.' and then again with Pearl but instead of calling her darling, i call her my beautiful. And she repeats it as peu-fu-fuill. She's so gorgeous and so is dupri.
Now Im into the hard out rehearsals now where we sit and watch the entire show go through now. But because there are 2 casts of children we adults have to do it twice as much. Which I don't mind so much because it is quite fun to be there with everyone and just mingle. But i just have to make sure that i take my music with me so that i've got something to occupy me whilst rehearsals are on.
Today in Relief Society, I only went to about 15 minutes of it but one thing that stuck in my mind is that there are some parents who think that their child can do no wrong. that they would never go wayward, that there is no way they would ever do those things at all. And that as parents we need to just be there for them, because an angry reaction to what's being done may be the make or break of what that child ends up doing. Now I'm 25 and I feel the pressures of trying to live my life accordingly and that if I choose to do something that I want to do, I will be looked at as a failure to my parents and family. It's not that I don't want to go to church or anything like that, i really enjoy it, but I also enjoy everything else too. So I'm coming up with a delima. What is it that I have to do to be able to enjoy both worlds. Is it possible to do? How long before many people find out and I'm back to where I was before, a gossip subject. How long before everything in my life crumbles for good.
I have a friend, we've had our really rough times and have found each other to be friends once again. She's going through a hell of a time with her family, she also was seriously sick and just having a lot of personal issues, and she's choosing to do things on her own for awhile. But she's got friends who are really worried for her and care about what happens to her. they even come over and see how she is. I had to tell her that she is soo lucky that she has friends who do actually care about her, and that I never had that. The only person who really made an effort to make sure I was ok was Tangi. And it was an ongoing effort from him too. So much so that I reciprocated that effort and we became really good friends.
But it's definately made me think that maybe I wasn't really liked at all. Or maybe I'm an obsessive person. Well actually no i don't think i am but just with the past experiences of my friend history, I've seemed to have quite shallow friends. I'm already used to thinking and feeling that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Tangi was bestest friend and husband to me.
so far since Tangi has died, I have only met 2 single people who don't mind if my kids come and hang out with us. No one else has done that at all. other than my family. I love hanging out with my family. they're pretty kool. But i guess, there's always something that's different about friends and family.
One thing I can't wait to do, is go on at least one dinner with my sisterinlaw. I've been hanging out for it for ages. hahahaha. and if you're reading this yeah u know who u are. But this time, it's going to a cheap dinner and stuff. hahahaha. No $80 later crap again.
I've been to the Dr anyway, and he said that I should go back on anti depression pills just to see if it'll work. I haven't taken any yet but I should.
Who knows what I'm supposed to be doing. It feels a little weird at the moment.
Anyways, I have to take my daughter back into the Dr's to get the last injection for her immunisations. They didn't have one particular vaccine and were waiting for it to be sent in. So she'll be annoyed at me for putting her through that again.
Now Im into the hard out rehearsals now where we sit and watch the entire show go through now. But because there are 2 casts of children we adults have to do it twice as much. Which I don't mind so much because it is quite fun to be there with everyone and just mingle. But i just have to make sure that i take my music with me so that i've got something to occupy me whilst rehearsals are on.
Today in Relief Society, I only went to about 15 minutes of it but one thing that stuck in my mind is that there are some parents who think that their child can do no wrong. that they would never go wayward, that there is no way they would ever do those things at all. And that as parents we need to just be there for them, because an angry reaction to what's being done may be the make or break of what that child ends up doing. Now I'm 25 and I feel the pressures of trying to live my life accordingly and that if I choose to do something that I want to do, I will be looked at as a failure to my parents and family. It's not that I don't want to go to church or anything like that, i really enjoy it, but I also enjoy everything else too. So I'm coming up with a delima. What is it that I have to do to be able to enjoy both worlds. Is it possible to do? How long before many people find out and I'm back to where I was before, a gossip subject. How long before everything in my life crumbles for good.
I have a friend, we've had our really rough times and have found each other to be friends once again. She's going through a hell of a time with her family, she also was seriously sick and just having a lot of personal issues, and she's choosing to do things on her own for awhile. But she's got friends who are really worried for her and care about what happens to her. they even come over and see how she is. I had to tell her that she is soo lucky that she has friends who do actually care about her, and that I never had that. The only person who really made an effort to make sure I was ok was Tangi. And it was an ongoing effort from him too. So much so that I reciprocated that effort and we became really good friends.
But it's definately made me think that maybe I wasn't really liked at all. Or maybe I'm an obsessive person. Well actually no i don't think i am but just with the past experiences of my friend history, I've seemed to have quite shallow friends. I'm already used to thinking and feeling that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Tangi was bestest friend and husband to me.
so far since Tangi has died, I have only met 2 single people who don't mind if my kids come and hang out with us. No one else has done that at all. other than my family. I love hanging out with my family. they're pretty kool. But i guess, there's always something that's different about friends and family.
One thing I can't wait to do, is go on at least one dinner with my sisterinlaw. I've been hanging out for it for ages. hahahaha. and if you're reading this yeah u know who u are. But this time, it's going to a cheap dinner and stuff. hahahaha. No $80 later crap again.
I've been to the Dr anyway, and he said that I should go back on anti depression pills just to see if it'll work. I haven't taken any yet but I should.
Who knows what I'm supposed to be doing. It feels a little weird at the moment.
Anyways, I have to take my daughter back into the Dr's to get the last injection for her immunisations. They didn't have one particular vaccine and were waiting for it to be sent in. So she'll be annoyed at me for putting her through that again.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Waiting
Well I'm just waiting till it's time to go and pick up Dupri from daycare. He enjoys it a whole lot. I think he's ready to move onto something more structured now that has singing time and actual class time with the kids. He will be really good at it. And I got a phonecall last week saying that Pearl can start daycare once she turns 2. Which i'm stoked as for. She will be doing the same days and hours as Dupri which is a good start. It'll be good for her to interact with the other kids. And give her a break from only hanging out with her brother. But anyways, they're both doing really well.
Apparently Pearl is doing extremely well because she can say whole sentences together. But I think that's just because she's a girl and has quicker brain responses to boys. Whereas Dupri is picking up things a lot faster at the moment too. Actually they're both really clever.
OK, I still don't have much money for the unveiling. I'm just trying to keep things balanced and going I guess. I have been procrastinating getting everything done. Mostly because I really don't want it to happen. But I can't change the date anyway because I don't have any time and there's no special day coming up anytime soon anyways. And I wanted it on our wedding anniversary. This would've been our 4th year wedding anniversary. I really miss Tangi. He was such a wonderful man and I just really miss him. I being looked after by him. He was so kind and attentive and treated me really well.
I've started doing excercise classes/boxing/kickboxing classes with my sisinlaws sister. She's doing classes from out of her garage which is decked out with the weights, punching bags, kick bag, pads, etc. Today will be my 2nd class that I've gone to. But I'm enjoying it already anyways. I try to keep pushing myself because I want to be a size 12 by the time it's my brothers wedding. And pretty much the only that says I'm a size 16 is my fat stomach. Yeah ok, I have lost quite a bit of weight since Christmas but still, I need to lose even more for this fat thing to turn into a skinny toned and tanned thing. But there is something about losing weight that gives you more confidence and makes you feel better about yourself.
Well, even tho Tangi thought that I was beautiful even when I was fat, I didn't feel that good about myself. But he was really kool.
Rehearsals for Sound of Music is going pretty good. We're up to blocking now, which is the acting side of things. Just putting the musical together now. So there's lots of sitting around and watching and waiting all the time. Which I don't mind at all. So I just have to keep remembering to take my MP3 player to listen to sounds while I'm waiting. We can't really talk in between because the other actors are doing their parts. so something that doesn't require much noise is always a good thing i guess for waiting. But I'm enjoying it heaps anyways. Getting to know eveyrone pretty good. Can't wait for the show to start. But I don't know how much the tickets cost. I haven't even looked up on the website for it but will have to do that when I get back. It's now time for me to go and pick up Dupri from daycare. Or as he calls it 'skool'.
Cya
Apparently Pearl is doing extremely well because she can say whole sentences together. But I think that's just because she's a girl and has quicker brain responses to boys. Whereas Dupri is picking up things a lot faster at the moment too. Actually they're both really clever.
OK, I still don't have much money for the unveiling. I'm just trying to keep things balanced and going I guess. I have been procrastinating getting everything done. Mostly because I really don't want it to happen. But I can't change the date anyway because I don't have any time and there's no special day coming up anytime soon anyways. And I wanted it on our wedding anniversary. This would've been our 4th year wedding anniversary. I really miss Tangi. He was such a wonderful man and I just really miss him. I being looked after by him. He was so kind and attentive and treated me really well.
I've started doing excercise classes/boxing/kickboxing classes with my sisinlaws sister. She's doing classes from out of her garage which is decked out with the weights, punching bags, kick bag, pads, etc. Today will be my 2nd class that I've gone to. But I'm enjoying it already anyways. I try to keep pushing myself because I want to be a size 12 by the time it's my brothers wedding. And pretty much the only that says I'm a size 16 is my fat stomach. Yeah ok, I have lost quite a bit of weight since Christmas but still, I need to lose even more for this fat thing to turn into a skinny toned and tanned thing. But there is something about losing weight that gives you more confidence and makes you feel better about yourself.
Well, even tho Tangi thought that I was beautiful even when I was fat, I didn't feel that good about myself. But he was really kool.
Rehearsals for Sound of Music is going pretty good. We're up to blocking now, which is the acting side of things. Just putting the musical together now. So there's lots of sitting around and watching and waiting all the time. Which I don't mind at all. So I just have to keep remembering to take my MP3 player to listen to sounds while I'm waiting. We can't really talk in between because the other actors are doing their parts. so something that doesn't require much noise is always a good thing i guess for waiting. But I'm enjoying it heaps anyways. Getting to know eveyrone pretty good. Can't wait for the show to start. But I don't know how much the tickets cost. I haven't even looked up on the website for it but will have to do that when I get back. It's now time for me to go and pick up Dupri from daycare. Or as he calls it 'skool'.
Cya
Monday, August 10, 2009
Slipping
What I feel right now is just numbness.
The closer to the unvieling it is, the more unsteady I feel, the more I think about him the more it's hurting. I don't know why it's getting harder. I guess in some ways I've learnt to bottle everything in or to only let as little out as I possibly can just to make me be able to handle things. I quite literally feel like i'm falling apart. I'm not feeling as decisive about my actions as I should be. All the stuff that I did before is looking more and more appealing. so much so that I've even started making plans to go away for awhile. What is there here for me.
I miss my husband so much that it hurts to know that this unveiling is going to be the final thing. I know that we're sealed but it still hurts knowing that I can't hug him. But I need to make some decisions or I feel I'm going to lose it.
I don't want to complete the headstone because it brings it that much closer. It makes me feel like crying everytime I see it, and it doesnt have any lettering or anyting other than the colour on it.
I'm hurting. And I don't know how to make it better.
I just want to curl up and just stay in my little hole and not come out. That's what I want.
The closer to the unvieling it is, the more unsteady I feel, the more I think about him the more it's hurting. I don't know why it's getting harder. I guess in some ways I've learnt to bottle everything in or to only let as little out as I possibly can just to make me be able to handle things. I quite literally feel like i'm falling apart. I'm not feeling as decisive about my actions as I should be. All the stuff that I did before is looking more and more appealing. so much so that I've even started making plans to go away for awhile. What is there here for me.
I miss my husband so much that it hurts to know that this unveiling is going to be the final thing. I know that we're sealed but it still hurts knowing that I can't hug him. But I need to make some decisions or I feel I'm going to lose it.
I don't want to complete the headstone because it brings it that much closer. It makes me feel like crying everytime I see it, and it doesnt have any lettering or anyting other than the colour on it.
I'm hurting. And I don't know how to make it better.
I just want to curl up and just stay in my little hole and not come out. That's what I want.
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