Okay, it was pretty hard for me to go down there. But I went. They came back and picked me up to go down there.
We got there and I was really tired so decided to go to bed straight away. Got up the next day and ended up going into town to try and find some sunglasses, but to no avail. Tried to find some tshirts for Pearl but there werent any. So just went and bought some fruit. At least I didnt go back empty handed. It was quite boring, so had to do stuff to make it a bit more constructive. Like trying to come up with things to make it more exciting for the kids. In the end, the kids made their own fun. It was Tangi's Parents, and both his sisters. We had a meeting to talk about whats going to happen with the funeral arrangements and stuff. Who's doing what and stuff. I warned them that if it's anything like Tangi's funeral, then to expect everyone to try and walk all over them once she's gone. Hope it doesnt happen, but anything that has to do with me, they will come and have a go at me. Only because I'm married into the family and for them, it'll be their time to say whatever they want to say about me to my face. Api has asked that she wants me included in the organising of her funeral arrangements and everything else up to it and even after. She wants me to be included in all of it. She actually wants to be buried next to Tangi. But her husband said no, she will go here in Tokoroa. So she said ok. I told her that it doesnt matter where you get buried, becuase you don't linger around the cemetary. You're actually doing stuff to help prepare for the millenium. And that Tangi will be there to come and get her when the time comes. She will be able to see him still. So she felt a bit better with that and agreed with her husband that she'll stay in Tokoroa. One thing that will have to happen, is to get her to put it on video saying whats going to happen with certain things, so that if anybody contests it, then we can just play it to them and that will hopefully shut them up and just try to support the family.
I was thinking about what were all the good things that came out of the funeral of Tangi's. And it saddens me to say that I can't really recall much of it. I was sooo angry. I was angry at the reactions of people, I was angry at the attitude of people as well, I was angry at comments made by people. I was even angry at the fact that yeah at different times there were different people coming to see if I was ok, which was kool and really good and stuff. But I just felt that there wasnt someone there for me, the entire time, just one person to stay with me the entire time. There were a lot of times where I was alone, I had to go out and get my own food, I had to go and get my own clothes. Just reading this, it looks stupid that I'm complaining about this, but it really did matter. Especially when you don't want to leave your husbands side, you jsut want to stay there. But I guess I expected too much and that was my downfall, that I expected too much of anyone to do that for me. I did have everyone there for me which I really appreciate and everything. But I now know that what I really needed, was someone to be with me the entire time. To go and help me to get ready for the day, to make sure that I ate and that I got some rest. But yeah, thats enoug gripeing for one day I think.
So yeah, while down in Tokoroa, Api made it known to us that we are responsible for what happens to her and that she does want me included in everything. She's even asked for me to help dress her but that I will ultimately be the one to deal with the female religious side of things. So hopefully the extended family will understand and be supportive.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
This was the boys the morning we left. They wanted to do a rugby photo. Front row: Harper Second Row: Jaxon, Leyton, Aaron, Zappa. Back row: Uncle Alan, Dad, Roman, Uncle Donald
Pearl sliding down their new gym set thing.
Dupri can't get enough of their swing. It's always "Mummmmmm, sweeng please, mummmmmm'. hahahha.
The kids have finally gone for a few days, the inlaws came and got them. they still want me to go down. I'm warming up more at the idea. They said that they'll get Tangi's sister to come back and get me since my car isnt legal yet.
Pearl sliding down their new gym set thing.
Dupri can't get enough of their swing. It's always "Mummmmmm, sweeng please, mummmmmm'. hahahha.
The kids have finally gone for a few days, the inlaws came and got them. they still want me to go down. I'm warming up more at the idea. They said that they'll get Tangi's sister to come back and get me since my car isnt legal yet.
I'm actually enjoying the quiet so far. I've caught up on study. Actually posted off my first assignment which feels really awesome. Hopefully will get my results next week sometime. I'm still waiting for the book Twilight to get here. Will end up getting the other two books from the series next week sometime too. Man, I'm so hanging out for those books. I am literally watching the movie about 2-3 times a day. i'm pretty sure I won't get sick of it. But who knows, I think reading the books will make it that much more exciting. hahahaha. I can't wait till the good quality one comes out.
I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow morning, so that'll be kool. Havent been in awhile. But it'll be good to go and just sweat it out. I've still got to lose all my weight by the end of the year. I've been looking thru some dollar stores for some decoration ideas for Jax and Diontes wedding. Found some pretty kool stuff that'll go together but have to see if Dionte likes them first. So yeah, that's about my day so far. I've been having a bit of fun today, well it's nothing that exciting but I just feel a lot happier today. Had the odd cry inbetween stuff but overall, feeling ok.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
I am now officially obsessed with TWILIGHT
Now I know this may sound silly, but yeah I am obsessed with it. I am waiting for my books to arrive and I got a copy of Twilight off my brother. And I can't stop watching it. The last movie I did this to was 'Queen of the Damned'. Yeah that movie was pretty corny and stuff, I just like Vampires. But you know, if I was to see the main actor off Twilight in the street, I probably wouldn't look at him twice. So, It's only the movie that I'm fascinated in. hahaha. Man I really feel like a teenager all over again everytime I watch it. It's more of a star crossed love story than an action film, just about a romance that will never work. Because c'mon, a Vampire and a human, especially when the vampire just wants to kill you and drink your blood.
ok, i'm rambling. hahaha. and now I sound like a nerd. hahaha.
So I just had to put that in.
I spoke to my motherinlaw tonight. Got the kids to ring up and say hi to their grandparents and Dupri wouldnt stop talking about what he was doing. I knew that this was the reason but I didnt want to admit it, but the reason why they want me to go down to Tokoroa so badly is that she pretty much could go anytime now. She's been given the word by the Dr's, that there's nothing they can do for her anymore and she will go any day. I'm pretty torn between going to see them and not. I want to go to show some support and that I do care, which I do. I don't want to go because I don't want to go to another funeral, I don't want to see death again. I just can't help but wonder what Tangi's dad is feeling. He has just lost his only son, and is about to lose his wife too. They're in Auckland at the moment hanging out with their family, which is kool for them. And arent sure when they'll make the trip back to Tokoroa. I'm assuming that she'll be buried in Tokoroa. So yeah, I'm a bit torn about this whole thing.
In total, my family has experienced death so much within the last couple of years. I can't say exactly who lost who, but there has been so much of it. It's really unbelievable. The amount of sickness and death is pretty depressing and heartbreaking. But at the end of the day, It's all a part of life, and no matter how much we try to avoid it, It's still going to happen whether we like it or not.
ok, i'm rambling. hahaha. and now I sound like a nerd. hahaha.
So I just had to put that in.
I spoke to my motherinlaw tonight. Got the kids to ring up and say hi to their grandparents and Dupri wouldnt stop talking about what he was doing. I knew that this was the reason but I didnt want to admit it, but the reason why they want me to go down to Tokoroa so badly is that she pretty much could go anytime now. She's been given the word by the Dr's, that there's nothing they can do for her anymore and she will go any day. I'm pretty torn between going to see them and not. I want to go to show some support and that I do care, which I do. I don't want to go because I don't want to go to another funeral, I don't want to see death again. I just can't help but wonder what Tangi's dad is feeling. He has just lost his only son, and is about to lose his wife too. They're in Auckland at the moment hanging out with their family, which is kool for them. And arent sure when they'll make the trip back to Tokoroa. I'm assuming that she'll be buried in Tokoroa. So yeah, I'm a bit torn about this whole thing.
In total, my family has experienced death so much within the last couple of years. I can't say exactly who lost who, but there has been so much of it. It's really unbelievable. The amount of sickness and death is pretty depressing and heartbreaking. But at the end of the day, It's all a part of life, and no matter how much we try to avoid it, It's still going to happen whether we like it or not.
Advice Giver
I guess when you've been thru so much you have to have learned a few lessons along the way. A couple of the lessons that I learned, I had to learn the hard way. So, rather than keeping it all to myself, I might as well share them.
1. If you're engaged and wanting to go thru the temple to get married. Don't take longer than a month to get married.
2. If it is going to be longer than a month engagement, then have a plan for each other. Agree with each other to only stay out to a certain time. Never go into each others room. Always make sure that you have the Lord's house as your goal.
3. Love your husband/wife no matter what they do. Unless it's breaking one of the commandments like murder or adultery, then it should be easier to forgive.
4. If you can't forgive them, then at least talk it thru like adults and try to deal with it before making any hasty decisions.
5. Always make time for each other no matter how busy your schedule will become. And be willing to let them go when they need to.
6. Try to always have fun and laugh.
7. Be willing to listen, even when you don't like hearing what's being said.
8. Try putting yourself in their shoes
9. Make sure your husband/wife know that they come first
10. Always put some time away every day, even for an hour for yourself. With nobody but yourself. A movie, a walk, a long bath. Anything that will help you stay sane and remember who you are.
So there you have it, my ten notes of advice. hahaha. I could possibly become the next Dr Phil after all of this. haha. Anyways, I think that these are all pretty important anyways.
My dad was Bishop of the YSA ward, and we always used to talk about the most common things that the YSA would go in and talk to him about. Now, keep in mind that I don't know who any of these people are and have never found out who they were either. He never told me any names but only gave me generalised versions of what the majority were doing.
So, he said that basically 98% of YSA were going to see him about Chastity issues. Now, this does make sense. Because you're finally at that age where there are no parents around, more hot looking guys an girls around and you can pretty much do what you want. You can move out of home and do your own thing. You go to all the conferences and talks and stuff that talk about the law of chastity but nobody ever tells you any specifics. The most specific thing that I was told about was at what point should you stop. Looking back on my life, my advice would be to just not start it in the first place. Holding hands or even the first kiss leads to the 'all the way' part. Especially when thats what you're thinking.
You meet a guy, he's interested. You're interested and all of a sudden all you can think about is doing every nasty under the sun with that person. Lust takes over. Luckily for me and Tangi tho, was that we were in love before lust came into play. We had been friends for a really long time that we were already in love. So yeah, first it started with holding hands. Then it was the first kiss, and then before we knew it, we were in the room. And it was really hard to stop. It was excruciating to stop. We both knew that that was what we had to do, but it was really really hard. It even got to the point, that my flatmates asked Tangi to not stay around anymore because they felt responsible for our wellbeing. I was really ticked off when I found out about that, because it had quite literally been, up until a certain someone moved in, that what goes on in your room, stays in your room. So long and you don't disturb everyone else then sweet as. So thats what we had done. So yeah, i was pretty ticked off.
At the same time, I knew that what we were doing was wrong, especially because we still had another 3 months to go before we got married.
Now the thing about the lead up to our wedding, it was really tough for both of us. We knew that we wanted to be together, we wanted to spend eternity with each other. But Satan was really doing a good job on us. We had nearly everything going against us. When we went to stay at Tangi's folks place, they encouraged us to sleep in the same room. So of course, we didnt say no. When we came home, we were getting the stares and the whispers and the gossiping. And that actually made us cling to each other even more. It wasnt until a couple weeks to the wedding that we both found out what someone who was close to us had done to us, especially Tangi. This person, had been going around and had judged us for what we did. I was pregnant, yes I was feeling concerned about our eternal wellbeing, but I was actually over the moon that I was having a baby. Because I knew that Tangi would be there for me, he wanted it too. This particular person had said stuff about Tangi and me, saying that Tangi had been on a mission and he had standards but now he doesnt. And a lot of other stuff.
When we both heard this, I wanted to march right over to that persons place and punch her in the face and literally wanted nothing to do with her again. Tangi stopped me from doing it, he just said that he was really angry and disappointed and had actually considered breaking up with me because he didnt want to be involved with someone as malicious as that. And even tho I was the one he was marrying, he still has to see this person every now and then. Tangi suprised me immensly when he bought flowers for this person on the morning of our wedding. He had said to me, that he's only human, he makes mistakes too. So really, who are we to judge anyone else. We all make mistakes, on purpose or not, it's still our choice and the mentality leading up to that mistake, nobody else knows but that person. Because at the end of the day, its the person who made the mistake who has to suffer the consequences.
Me and Tangi were put on probation for 6 months. I was ok with that, it just meant that we couldnt participate in anything really. Tangi really found it hard. He found it hard that we couldnt partake of the sacrament, we couldnt offer to do any prayers in church or any activities, we couldnt participate in any activities. We had to miss out because of our mistake. But we made it thru, we were sealed in the Sydney Temple for all time and eternity and our children are sealed to us as well. We wondered what our life wouldve ended up like if we had of had the strength to resist those lustful urges. If we wouldve moved to Sydney, if we still wouldve had Dupri and Pearl. Or if we wouldve got somebody else. If we wouldve had to endure even half the trials that we had to face to the lead up of our wedding. I just hope that you're most willing to be understanding than to judge. I still have a hard time of it now, but I always try my best. Because, I'm still a superwoman in the making, and that's all that matters
1. If you're engaged and wanting to go thru the temple to get married. Don't take longer than a month to get married.
2. If it is going to be longer than a month engagement, then have a plan for each other. Agree with each other to only stay out to a certain time. Never go into each others room. Always make sure that you have the Lord's house as your goal.
3. Love your husband/wife no matter what they do. Unless it's breaking one of the commandments like murder or adultery, then it should be easier to forgive.
4. If you can't forgive them, then at least talk it thru like adults and try to deal with it before making any hasty decisions.
5. Always make time for each other no matter how busy your schedule will become. And be willing to let them go when they need to.
6. Try to always have fun and laugh.
7. Be willing to listen, even when you don't like hearing what's being said.
8. Try putting yourself in their shoes
9. Make sure your husband/wife know that they come first
10. Always put some time away every day, even for an hour for yourself. With nobody but yourself. A movie, a walk, a long bath. Anything that will help you stay sane and remember who you are.
So there you have it, my ten notes of advice. hahaha. I could possibly become the next Dr Phil after all of this. haha. Anyways, I think that these are all pretty important anyways.
My dad was Bishop of the YSA ward, and we always used to talk about the most common things that the YSA would go in and talk to him about. Now, keep in mind that I don't know who any of these people are and have never found out who they were either. He never told me any names but only gave me generalised versions of what the majority were doing.
So, he said that basically 98% of YSA were going to see him about Chastity issues. Now, this does make sense. Because you're finally at that age where there are no parents around, more hot looking guys an girls around and you can pretty much do what you want. You can move out of home and do your own thing. You go to all the conferences and talks and stuff that talk about the law of chastity but nobody ever tells you any specifics. The most specific thing that I was told about was at what point should you stop. Looking back on my life, my advice would be to just not start it in the first place. Holding hands or even the first kiss leads to the 'all the way' part. Especially when thats what you're thinking.
You meet a guy, he's interested. You're interested and all of a sudden all you can think about is doing every nasty under the sun with that person. Lust takes over. Luckily for me and Tangi tho, was that we were in love before lust came into play. We had been friends for a really long time that we were already in love. So yeah, first it started with holding hands. Then it was the first kiss, and then before we knew it, we were in the room. And it was really hard to stop. It was excruciating to stop. We both knew that that was what we had to do, but it was really really hard. It even got to the point, that my flatmates asked Tangi to not stay around anymore because they felt responsible for our wellbeing. I was really ticked off when I found out about that, because it had quite literally been, up until a certain someone moved in, that what goes on in your room, stays in your room. So long and you don't disturb everyone else then sweet as. So thats what we had done. So yeah, i was pretty ticked off.
At the same time, I knew that what we were doing was wrong, especially because we still had another 3 months to go before we got married.
Now the thing about the lead up to our wedding, it was really tough for both of us. We knew that we wanted to be together, we wanted to spend eternity with each other. But Satan was really doing a good job on us. We had nearly everything going against us. When we went to stay at Tangi's folks place, they encouraged us to sleep in the same room. So of course, we didnt say no. When we came home, we were getting the stares and the whispers and the gossiping. And that actually made us cling to each other even more. It wasnt until a couple weeks to the wedding that we both found out what someone who was close to us had done to us, especially Tangi. This person, had been going around and had judged us for what we did. I was pregnant, yes I was feeling concerned about our eternal wellbeing, but I was actually over the moon that I was having a baby. Because I knew that Tangi would be there for me, he wanted it too. This particular person had said stuff about Tangi and me, saying that Tangi had been on a mission and he had standards but now he doesnt. And a lot of other stuff.
When we both heard this, I wanted to march right over to that persons place and punch her in the face and literally wanted nothing to do with her again. Tangi stopped me from doing it, he just said that he was really angry and disappointed and had actually considered breaking up with me because he didnt want to be involved with someone as malicious as that. And even tho I was the one he was marrying, he still has to see this person every now and then. Tangi suprised me immensly when he bought flowers for this person on the morning of our wedding. He had said to me, that he's only human, he makes mistakes too. So really, who are we to judge anyone else. We all make mistakes, on purpose or not, it's still our choice and the mentality leading up to that mistake, nobody else knows but that person. Because at the end of the day, its the person who made the mistake who has to suffer the consequences.
Me and Tangi were put on probation for 6 months. I was ok with that, it just meant that we couldnt participate in anything really. Tangi really found it hard. He found it hard that we couldnt partake of the sacrament, we couldnt offer to do any prayers in church or any activities, we couldnt participate in any activities. We had to miss out because of our mistake. But we made it thru, we were sealed in the Sydney Temple for all time and eternity and our children are sealed to us as well. We wondered what our life wouldve ended up like if we had of had the strength to resist those lustful urges. If we wouldve moved to Sydney, if we still wouldve had Dupri and Pearl. Or if we wouldve got somebody else. If we wouldve had to endure even half the trials that we had to face to the lead up of our wedding. I just hope that you're most willing to be understanding than to judge. I still have a hard time of it now, but I always try my best. Because, I'm still a superwoman in the making, and that's all that matters
Friday, January 2, 2009
Bored, frustrated and airy
Well now that we've finished our holiday, it's back to doing nothing all day. But I'm still trying to save to get my car fixed. The thing is, is that it does go. Nothings wrong with it, I just can't drive without any lights on the front of my car and to do that, I have to get the metal that holds the entire bumper onto the car. Just havent gotten around to it yet.
So like I said a blog or two ago, I went and saw 'Twilight'. I am becoming obsessed with it. I have already ordered the series and just want more of it. Man, this is what happened before me and Tangi got married, is that when a really good book came out, I couldnt think about anything else. Then the movie would come out and then I'd get even more obsessed with it. But then, the kids kind of distracted me from that because they're always so noisy.
Dad's finished the gate now, so it's good that the kids can run around and I'm not freaking out that my kids will run onto the road. so now, they run straight inside to my parents place and stay in there for ages. They're allowed to come and go as they please. And then I take them out to their new play swing set which has a swing, slide, tramp and a double swing. It's pretty kool. Uncle Zappa, Aunty Kara and mum and dad got it for the kids. Dupri and Pearl have to get used to it though.
I'm still waiting for the inlaws to say that they want to take the kids. they're still asking when I'm coming down. hmmmm.
I'm still missing Tangi. I still cry when I'm alone. But when there are people around me, I just put on a 'I'm ok' face. Because no matter how I feel at that moment, I won't deal with it until I'm alone and can think better. Me and Dad were talking about Tangi the other night, Dad keeps on saying that I was lucky to have him. I know that I was lucky to him, because I don't think that I wouldve found a man anywhere as near as perfect as he was. Our marriage went so smoothly because Tangi was willing to understand me, and if he didnt understand me, he would ask me how I was feeling. He always wanted to know what I was thinking. Even if the thing I was thinking was hurtful. But it worked, our communication was actually really good, that no one could to us without the other one knowing. We would literally stay up to all hours of the morning just talking about how we're feeling, our goals, our dreams etc. And this would be about 2 or 3 times a week we would do this.
The last night we spent together, he had come home from hospital the day before. I had asked for the hospital bed to be brought home because I couldnt exactly put the bed on a tilt by myself and it made things a bit easier. He really wanted to sleep with me in our bed. I really wanted him to too, but me being logical and thinking about everything else instead, I didnt want him to be uncomfortable because he was lying completely flat. So he slept in his bed, and I slept in ours. We both had a little sleep and Tangi woke up and was calling for me. So I woke up and asked him what he wanted, He just wanted a drink so I went and got him one. And then we spent the rest of the night talking about how good it felt with him being home. It felt like we were a family again, after so long of being apart, we felt like a couple. It felt really good just to have him in the room where I was comfortable and the kids were comfortable and me and tangi were able to just talk without anyone coming in and interrupting us. Tangi had no pain since he came into our home.
Now if you were to try to imagine the type of pain that Tangi was in every single day. His back was in pain 24/7. It had these sharp pains constantly going thru his back like as if they were extreme pins and needles. And he had needle pains in his hands and feet. Nothing that he could do would make it go away. Nothing the medications would do would make it go away. He was soo painful that for awhile, you could barely touch him because it was too painful for him. Just to change him and shower him was agonizing for him and the nurses, and for me watching and trying to help.
So he came home, and the pain left. He had never felt so comfortable for such a long time. Everything just felt right for him and me. His sleep was the most rested he felt in a long time. He just felt at peace with being home with his family. I had bought him some really kool clothes back in March from hallensteins. I only had the inclination to go and buy him clothes just that one time. Not because I didnt want to, but because I just felt there wasnt a need for them. So, he decided to wear the shorts and shirt I had bought him, he really liked it. I'm so bummed that I never took a photo of him in them. That was the first time in such a long time that he looked normal. With nothing coming out of him, with normal clothes on and not the hospital stuff on. I almost forgot that he was sick when I saw him all dressed. He really wanted to have a shave tho, and I really wanted him to have one. But we ended up spending most of the morning jsut talking to each other. We spent pretty much every moment since he got home together.
Now, I think near the beginning of all these blogs I had mentioned that we had stored Tangi's soldiers over in Sydney. Well, I decided to do nothing with them. Because I would be making it so much harder for myself if I was to bring a child into this world without their father. I already have a tough enough time as it if, let alone being pregnant and everything that goes with it. As well as early morning feeds and tired eyes etc. So, they've probably chuckd it out now, so there's nothing I can do about it anyway.
Sometimes being at home, makes me feel like I'm an adolescent with children. As if I got pregnant young and then my boyfriend left me. But I didnt. I still feel like I'm married, regardless of where my husband is. When we were down south island, I introduced my family as Me, Dupri and Pearl and Tangi was off doing something else better. Which is true. They all knew what had happened but I just didnt want to say it at all. I'm constantly feeling like there's something missing. I know exactly what it is. And thats for me to deal with. I don't have any goals written out yet, so am still getting there with those. Will have to think of them in between all my sleeps and stuff.
So like I said a blog or two ago, I went and saw 'Twilight'. I am becoming obsessed with it. I have already ordered the series and just want more of it. Man, this is what happened before me and Tangi got married, is that when a really good book came out, I couldnt think about anything else. Then the movie would come out and then I'd get even more obsessed with it. But then, the kids kind of distracted me from that because they're always so noisy.
Dad's finished the gate now, so it's good that the kids can run around and I'm not freaking out that my kids will run onto the road. so now, they run straight inside to my parents place and stay in there for ages. They're allowed to come and go as they please. And then I take them out to their new play swing set which has a swing, slide, tramp and a double swing. It's pretty kool. Uncle Zappa, Aunty Kara and mum and dad got it for the kids. Dupri and Pearl have to get used to it though.
I'm still waiting for the inlaws to say that they want to take the kids. they're still asking when I'm coming down. hmmmm.
I'm still missing Tangi. I still cry when I'm alone. But when there are people around me, I just put on a 'I'm ok' face. Because no matter how I feel at that moment, I won't deal with it until I'm alone and can think better. Me and Dad were talking about Tangi the other night, Dad keeps on saying that I was lucky to have him. I know that I was lucky to him, because I don't think that I wouldve found a man anywhere as near as perfect as he was. Our marriage went so smoothly because Tangi was willing to understand me, and if he didnt understand me, he would ask me how I was feeling. He always wanted to know what I was thinking. Even if the thing I was thinking was hurtful. But it worked, our communication was actually really good, that no one could to us without the other one knowing. We would literally stay up to all hours of the morning just talking about how we're feeling, our goals, our dreams etc. And this would be about 2 or 3 times a week we would do this.
The last night we spent together, he had come home from hospital the day before. I had asked for the hospital bed to be brought home because I couldnt exactly put the bed on a tilt by myself and it made things a bit easier. He really wanted to sleep with me in our bed. I really wanted him to too, but me being logical and thinking about everything else instead, I didnt want him to be uncomfortable because he was lying completely flat. So he slept in his bed, and I slept in ours. We both had a little sleep and Tangi woke up and was calling for me. So I woke up and asked him what he wanted, He just wanted a drink so I went and got him one. And then we spent the rest of the night talking about how good it felt with him being home. It felt like we were a family again, after so long of being apart, we felt like a couple. It felt really good just to have him in the room where I was comfortable and the kids were comfortable and me and tangi were able to just talk without anyone coming in and interrupting us. Tangi had no pain since he came into our home.
Now if you were to try to imagine the type of pain that Tangi was in every single day. His back was in pain 24/7. It had these sharp pains constantly going thru his back like as if they were extreme pins and needles. And he had needle pains in his hands and feet. Nothing that he could do would make it go away. Nothing the medications would do would make it go away. He was soo painful that for awhile, you could barely touch him because it was too painful for him. Just to change him and shower him was agonizing for him and the nurses, and for me watching and trying to help.
So he came home, and the pain left. He had never felt so comfortable for such a long time. Everything just felt right for him and me. His sleep was the most rested he felt in a long time. He just felt at peace with being home with his family. I had bought him some really kool clothes back in March from hallensteins. I only had the inclination to go and buy him clothes just that one time. Not because I didnt want to, but because I just felt there wasnt a need for them. So, he decided to wear the shorts and shirt I had bought him, he really liked it. I'm so bummed that I never took a photo of him in them. That was the first time in such a long time that he looked normal. With nothing coming out of him, with normal clothes on and not the hospital stuff on. I almost forgot that he was sick when I saw him all dressed. He really wanted to have a shave tho, and I really wanted him to have one. But we ended up spending most of the morning jsut talking to each other. We spent pretty much every moment since he got home together.
Now, I think near the beginning of all these blogs I had mentioned that we had stored Tangi's soldiers over in Sydney. Well, I decided to do nothing with them. Because I would be making it so much harder for myself if I was to bring a child into this world without their father. I already have a tough enough time as it if, let alone being pregnant and everything that goes with it. As well as early morning feeds and tired eyes etc. So, they've probably chuckd it out now, so there's nothing I can do about it anyway.
Sometimes being at home, makes me feel like I'm an adolescent with children. As if I got pregnant young and then my boyfriend left me. But I didnt. I still feel like I'm married, regardless of where my husband is. When we were down south island, I introduced my family as Me, Dupri and Pearl and Tangi was off doing something else better. Which is true. They all knew what had happened but I just didnt want to say it at all. I'm constantly feeling like there's something missing. I know exactly what it is. And thats for me to deal with. I don't have any goals written out yet, so am still getting there with those. Will have to think of them in between all my sleeps and stuff.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy New Year
Well I shouldnt really say Happy New Year because I'm not so sure if it will be a Happy one or not. It is the first year that we will spend without Tangi. I got invited to a YSA dance last night. I said maybe not because of my kids but in the end, my friends came and picked me up anyways and took me to the dance.
I was getting all excited to be able to dance and stuff but just not to get into the whole YSA scene. Because I'm not ready for all that. My friends tho, are on the prowl as YSA do, but me, it's a whole different scene now. I felt like one of the old ones. Didn't know some of the songs, didn't know heaps of the people and the ones I did know were either the ones who in my shoes a few years ago or were just starting high school when i left. So yeah, it was a big contrast of people there. I didnt enjoy my time as much as everyone else did. I did feel like a boring old fart tho. Because one of my friends was looking for a really good time, I did warn her tho that I might not be that much fun because my heads not in it. Oh well.
When I did look around, I saw a whole lot of people from school and stuff, that was pretty kool to catch up with a couple of them. Apparently there's a whole lot of YSA from around the place because its the YSA convention or something. So yeah, my friends want to come and get me for the Variety show and stuff just to drag me along. hahaha. They must want me to get into the scene fast or something. Not sure. But at this stage, I'm just wanting to chill and do whatever. I'm not looking at anyone, but if I do, I don't do anything about it.
Now when I was in YSA, I wasnt liked much by many of the girls. I always found it really easy to talk to the guys rather than the girls. I don't tolerate the kind of crap that girls talk about compared to what guys talk about. I love being able to just pick up where you left off and be sweet as friends rather than having to see each other every single day just to maintain a friendship. So yeah, I wasnt liked much by many of the girls. I even had some conflict with my friends because they werent invited to anything because they were friends with me. Now, everytime I saw the boys I would automatically go over ot them and start chatting, the girls didnt like it. I reckon it was jsut cause they were jealous and EXTREMELY territorial. hahahahaha. sounds like animals huh. ahahha.
But when I walked into that dance last night, I knew that a few people knew about my situation and I know that every time I walk into a room full of YSA, they are going to be talking about me just because of what I've gone thru. Now the difference with all this is that I've lived a whole lot more than majority of these YSA. For one, I now know how to control my hormones, hahaha. And that was pretty difficult being in YSA. Hence, why me and Tangi became pregnant before our wedding. My friends even have trouble saying sex, fornication etc. It was wierd because since I've been married and had children, it doesnt faze me anymore. But you know, after being prodded by Dr's, midwives, oncologists, surgeons, breast care specialists etc, I should be sweet as with nearly everything. But anyways, my pregnancies and births are for another blog.
the dance was ok, it was good just to get out. Earlier that day, I asked dad to watch the kids while I went to see a movie on my own. It felt really good to just go and chill out on my own. I went and saw 'Twilight' awesome movie I must say, but then I love the vampire movies, novels and everything. Well the ones with the good love stories and interesting plots. yes i know, i sound a bit like a nerd now. hahaha. Good one Tangi. So anywho, I loved the movie so much that I went and bought the books. I couldnt wait for Kara to send me hers so i just went and bought my own. So I'm waiting for them to be delivered to me. And then I will start reading hard out.
I suppose I need to write down some New Years Resolutions. will do that in the next blog.
I was getting all excited to be able to dance and stuff but just not to get into the whole YSA scene. Because I'm not ready for all that. My friends tho, are on the prowl as YSA do, but me, it's a whole different scene now. I felt like one of the old ones. Didn't know some of the songs, didn't know heaps of the people and the ones I did know were either the ones who in my shoes a few years ago or were just starting high school when i left. So yeah, it was a big contrast of people there. I didnt enjoy my time as much as everyone else did. I did feel like a boring old fart tho. Because one of my friends was looking for a really good time, I did warn her tho that I might not be that much fun because my heads not in it. Oh well.
When I did look around, I saw a whole lot of people from school and stuff, that was pretty kool to catch up with a couple of them. Apparently there's a whole lot of YSA from around the place because its the YSA convention or something. So yeah, my friends want to come and get me for the Variety show and stuff just to drag me along. hahaha. They must want me to get into the scene fast or something. Not sure. But at this stage, I'm just wanting to chill and do whatever. I'm not looking at anyone, but if I do, I don't do anything about it.
Now when I was in YSA, I wasnt liked much by many of the girls. I always found it really easy to talk to the guys rather than the girls. I don't tolerate the kind of crap that girls talk about compared to what guys talk about. I love being able to just pick up where you left off and be sweet as friends rather than having to see each other every single day just to maintain a friendship. So yeah, I wasnt liked much by many of the girls. I even had some conflict with my friends because they werent invited to anything because they were friends with me. Now, everytime I saw the boys I would automatically go over ot them and start chatting, the girls didnt like it. I reckon it was jsut cause they were jealous and EXTREMELY territorial. hahahahaha. sounds like animals huh. ahahha.
But when I walked into that dance last night, I knew that a few people knew about my situation and I know that every time I walk into a room full of YSA, they are going to be talking about me just because of what I've gone thru. Now the difference with all this is that I've lived a whole lot more than majority of these YSA. For one, I now know how to control my hormones, hahaha. And that was pretty difficult being in YSA. Hence, why me and Tangi became pregnant before our wedding. My friends even have trouble saying sex, fornication etc. It was wierd because since I've been married and had children, it doesnt faze me anymore. But you know, after being prodded by Dr's, midwives, oncologists, surgeons, breast care specialists etc, I should be sweet as with nearly everything. But anyways, my pregnancies and births are for another blog.
the dance was ok, it was good just to get out. Earlier that day, I asked dad to watch the kids while I went to see a movie on my own. It felt really good to just go and chill out on my own. I went and saw 'Twilight' awesome movie I must say, but then I love the vampire movies, novels and everything. Well the ones with the good love stories and interesting plots. yes i know, i sound a bit like a nerd now. hahaha. Good one Tangi. So anywho, I loved the movie so much that I went and bought the books. I couldnt wait for Kara to send me hers so i just went and bought my own. So I'm waiting for them to be delivered to me. And then I will start reading hard out.
I suppose I need to write down some New Years Resolutions. will do that in the next blog.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
My feelings on the holiday
Now that I've put up some photos of what we got up to down in Kaitangata it's only fair that I write about how I felt about the whole experience.
There were a few times where I wanted to burst out crying because Tangi wasnt here to share it with me. But the thing was, was that I could feel him the entire time there with me. So I introduced my family to Tangi and vice versa. Showed a couple of them the video of Tangi and showed some photos that I had on my laptop. They had never met him but they were touched and felt the loss that I felt. When I told them about the kind of man that he was, they were couldnt believe it. That Tangi was such an honourable, kindhearted and awesome husband and man. I felt so proud to be able to say that I married him and that I loved him.
We stopped off at Tangi's folks place on the way thru to Hamilton, but they werent home. When we got back to Hamilton, Dad just turned off and went straight to see Tangi. I didnt have to ask or say anything. Because for me, I feel like a burden when I ask anyone if I can go and see him. But it was really special. Me and Dad spoke about what kind of headstone I was thinking of. I have a few ideas and I know that Tangi would like all of them. I just have to make a definate decision by Dupri's birthday at least. Just so that they have time to get it done.
Every time I felt like crying down south, I just looked around and knew that everyone else were going thru their own things too. I had a Aunty who is going thru breast cancer, and uncle who lost his best friend and sister, a few cousin having relationship problems etc. there is just so many things that everyone else is going thru that they have trouble dealing with. We did a fireside/Family Home Evening on the Sunday night. When we sang the last song, the family who were left were crying. They were touched by whatever we were singing. It was really kool.
This past year and a half have been the toughest I've had to experience so far. I've had to deal with the burden of looking after an adolescent while being pregnant, deal with my husband getting sick to the point that he couldnt move and then to lose him. To a normal person that would've been all too much. For me it was all too much. And then all the while in between all of that, having to deal with both sides of the families and their demands and pressures. And still trying to raise up 2 beautiful children who you want to grow up into respectful and well mannered adults. Do you really think that you would be able to endure what I've gone thru. I must be a really strong individual to still be standing today. There must be a reason to why I had to go thru this and no one else. Obviously I was able to handle this, I was able to deal with this. Otherwise I wouldve been given a different challenge to endure. Now tomorrow being a new year, a new start ( I Hope), hopefully me and the children can move onto better things. I'm still working towards going back to the temple. I had to battle with a lot of emotions and feelings towards other people and myself that I couldnt handle. One thing that I found during our marriage is that you take offense to things that inlaws say or do a lot easier than if it was your family that did it. It's easier to get offended and angry at the things that inlaws do and say because you never grew up with them. You don't know them. You're still learning to get to know them. There were things and still are things that tick me off about my inlaws, but there were definately a lot of stuff that would tick Tangi off about my family too. When he would get angry at them, I would just say to him ' Well thats just them, thats what they do." He would still be angry, and it was the same for me. He'd say to me that thats just them, thats what they do. Yet, if it was my family doing the exact same thing, I'm a lot more willing and quicker to forgive them.
As I was talking with my dad on the way home from hastings, we spoke about other people who have and are still going thru a similar situation as ours. I got really annoyed at the disrespect and selfishness of those who don't have a clue. One of my old skool teachers just lost her husband to the same cancer as my husband. I wanted to go see them to show my love but because I've been thru this, I knew that wasnt the best thing to do. Because all you want to do is just be together and not have to entertain everyone else who just want to feel better about themselves and say that yes, they visited. Can you ask yourself ' If this person wasn't sick, would you still be visiting them as frequently as do when they are sick. Would you care as much when things are going just fine. And what about when they're gone, do you help and support the family that is left behind, do you visit them, do you become friends with them, do you pick up their kids to mingle with your own. Because at the end of the day, you can't rely on anyone else but yourself because it's always everyone else, that lets you down. And even tho you may have family around, they're not always the best people to help you. i've found that people try to put their wishes and beliefs onto me as if I should listen to them. Like I have to feel how they feel, do what they do. I have never done anything that I didnt want to do. Everything that I've done has been my choice. And it will always be my choice and no one elses.
There were a few times where I wanted to burst out crying because Tangi wasnt here to share it with me. But the thing was, was that I could feel him the entire time there with me. So I introduced my family to Tangi and vice versa. Showed a couple of them the video of Tangi and showed some photos that I had on my laptop. They had never met him but they were touched and felt the loss that I felt. When I told them about the kind of man that he was, they were couldnt believe it. That Tangi was such an honourable, kindhearted and awesome husband and man. I felt so proud to be able to say that I married him and that I loved him.
We stopped off at Tangi's folks place on the way thru to Hamilton, but they werent home. When we got back to Hamilton, Dad just turned off and went straight to see Tangi. I didnt have to ask or say anything. Because for me, I feel like a burden when I ask anyone if I can go and see him. But it was really special. Me and Dad spoke about what kind of headstone I was thinking of. I have a few ideas and I know that Tangi would like all of them. I just have to make a definate decision by Dupri's birthday at least. Just so that they have time to get it done.
Every time I felt like crying down south, I just looked around and knew that everyone else were going thru their own things too. I had a Aunty who is going thru breast cancer, and uncle who lost his best friend and sister, a few cousin having relationship problems etc. there is just so many things that everyone else is going thru that they have trouble dealing with. We did a fireside/Family Home Evening on the Sunday night. When we sang the last song, the family who were left were crying. They were touched by whatever we were singing. It was really kool.
This past year and a half have been the toughest I've had to experience so far. I've had to deal with the burden of looking after an adolescent while being pregnant, deal with my husband getting sick to the point that he couldnt move and then to lose him. To a normal person that would've been all too much. For me it was all too much. And then all the while in between all of that, having to deal with both sides of the families and their demands and pressures. And still trying to raise up 2 beautiful children who you want to grow up into respectful and well mannered adults. Do you really think that you would be able to endure what I've gone thru. I must be a really strong individual to still be standing today. There must be a reason to why I had to go thru this and no one else. Obviously I was able to handle this, I was able to deal with this. Otherwise I wouldve been given a different challenge to endure. Now tomorrow being a new year, a new start ( I Hope), hopefully me and the children can move onto better things. I'm still working towards going back to the temple. I had to battle with a lot of emotions and feelings towards other people and myself that I couldnt handle. One thing that I found during our marriage is that you take offense to things that inlaws say or do a lot easier than if it was your family that did it. It's easier to get offended and angry at the things that inlaws do and say because you never grew up with them. You don't know them. You're still learning to get to know them. There were things and still are things that tick me off about my inlaws, but there were definately a lot of stuff that would tick Tangi off about my family too. When he would get angry at them, I would just say to him ' Well thats just them, thats what they do." He would still be angry, and it was the same for me. He'd say to me that thats just them, thats what they do. Yet, if it was my family doing the exact same thing, I'm a lot more willing and quicker to forgive them.
As I was talking with my dad on the way home from hastings, we spoke about other people who have and are still going thru a similar situation as ours. I got really annoyed at the disrespect and selfishness of those who don't have a clue. One of my old skool teachers just lost her husband to the same cancer as my husband. I wanted to go see them to show my love but because I've been thru this, I knew that wasnt the best thing to do. Because all you want to do is just be together and not have to entertain everyone else who just want to feel better about themselves and say that yes, they visited. Can you ask yourself ' If this person wasn't sick, would you still be visiting them as frequently as do when they are sick. Would you care as much when things are going just fine. And what about when they're gone, do you help and support the family that is left behind, do you visit them, do you become friends with them, do you pick up their kids to mingle with your own. Because at the end of the day, you can't rely on anyone else but yourself because it's always everyone else, that lets you down. And even tho you may have family around, they're not always the best people to help you. i've found that people try to put their wishes and beliefs onto me as if I should listen to them. Like I have to feel how they feel, do what they do. I have never done anything that I didnt want to do. Everything that I've done has been my choice. And it will always be my choice and no one elses.
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